Fear of financial hell keeping me in unhappy marriage. Please help

[Sneezywheezy5]

I want to separate from my husband. As soon as possible.
We have a complex situation in that my dad gave us the money to buy our property but he isn't on the deeds. My husband and I are on the deeds and we have a declaration of trust me 80% share, husband 20% share although I'm told this probably isn't worth the paper it's written on. The plan we had said at the time was on a separation my dad would pay him the 20% value of the property (about 80k at the moment) which would allow me to keep the house. Husband agreed to this but don't know if he would now. Also it'd gone up alot in value and I don't think my dad would want to do that, neither do I blame him.
Husband is a high earner, just under 100k a year. I'm a housewife with no money of my own but I use his credit card to pay for our food, my petrol , phone etc which he pays the bill for and obviously he pays all the bills. We have no mortgage or rent to pay.

I have low earning potential, at least at first. If/when I start work i will be able to earn on average £1500 a month full time . For me to stay in this house that would only cover the bills . I would have zero left over for food, phones, petrol, anything for the kids, prescriptions etc . Zero.
I would have to downsize the house to somewhere smaller in the hope the bills are less and a smaller house and garden for me to maintain. How would I manage financially?

If husband was able to force a sale of the house & split it 50/50 I would not have enough to purchase another home, I also wouldn't be able to get a mortgage . Because I haven't had an income for years there's nothing on my credit report , and I'm not eligible to apply for credit cards and things like that so I'd probably fail the credit checks to rent also.

What do people I'm my situation do? We've got 2 kids age 9 and and 12.

Go and see an expert to find out what a divorce would look like.

Of course she should ? Who's going to pay for her to live ?

OMG She sould NOT get a job until SHE HAS SEEN A LAWYER.

Obviously then, later, shewill have to get some sort of job. Now, no.

She is married with 2 young DCs in her own home with a husband that earns 100K.

Lawyer.

@greyhairnomore

She should get a job after the divorce. If she gets a job now the only person who will benefit will be her soon to be ex husband.

The children aren't that little- they're 9 and 12. She's living in a house worth 400k and there's no mortgage to pay off when it's sold. The problem here seems to be that the OP doesn't want to downsize or reduce her life style in any way yet at the same time, she wants to divorce her husband.

I think this is the best advice. You need to seek legal counsel before you get a job. Of course you will have to find employment but you may be in a better position if you divorce first.

There is absolutely zero guarantee at all she’ll get to keep the house

And divorce will consider earning potential not current earnings

You could try to trade some of his share of the house against his pension which will be high if he earns close to £100k.

See the lawyer. Once you know your options, you can plan accordingly. Right now, you are panicking without having information.

Absolutely seek legal advice, but as others have correctly pointed out, Mesher orders are rare nowadays and if it goes to court, a clean break arrangement is more likely.

And as a pp pointed out, the OP will have a claim on a share of her husband's pension, just as he has a claim on the house.

This is absolutely not a disastrous situation, @Sneezywheezy5, because the house sale will leave you with a great chunk of money, plus whatever else you get out of the marriage plus CM if the kids are with you most of the time. That's a hell of a lot better than many women end up with. Most people at your stage of life have a stonking great mortgage or stonking great rent. However, it seems like this financial buffer you've had of a gifted house and a high earning husband has perhaps left you being quite passive? Like you don't feel you have much agency over your life? If you posted several months ago about the same situation and you still feel trapped then it feels like the biggest problem here is not the actual facts of the situation but rather your fear of change, of selling up, getting back into the workplace and moving forward.

That's not meant harshly whatsoever. You say you and your husband are both unhappy, it's not good for the kids and the thing stopping you from improving the situation seems to be your fear of making changes

I'm interested in what's prompting the need for the divorce.

Getting a job now is a bad idea. I knew someone who was had been a SAHM whose husband fought dirty and his solicitor actually argued that she didn't require xyz money because she had the potential to get a job with a hypothetical earning amount.

She was advised by her solicitor not to get a job until after the settlement.

I don't know world posters are living in but It's also very hard to get a job paying take home £1500 with no work history. Even the supermarket jobs are diminishing and in high competition and decent training courses can cost £££ which makes it harder. The world is geared to men with and without children not women with primary care of children.

£1500 per month would be about the take home pay for a minimum wage job wouldn't it? Unless someone was opting to pay loads into a pension

The division of equity from your home will be determined by reference to your respective housing needs. Clearly you are the primary carer and need to house the children. You have low earning potential and may need to retrain. Therefore it will be appropriate for you to have more than 50% money from the house because you have minimal mortgage-raising capacity. In contrast your husband can raise a mortgage of between £300k-£400k on a £100k salary. How much is the house worth?

You're also entitled to child maintenance and may get spousal maintenance for a limited period to allow you to retrain/get a job. You need to see a divorce lawyer to get advice on this as it's all very dependent on your specific circumstances and not something strangers on the internet can advise you on. If you need a recommendation, PM me as I know a very good one.

If it's financially viable for you to remain in the house with the kids, this would be better for them.

£1500 a month take home is not much more than minimum wage. There are lots of jobs out there, even ones that require no experience.

The court will expect an adult to work and op will have no chance to try to buy out her ex if she has no job. It’s also unlikely her dh does actually earn 100k as she said he earned 60k a few months ago.

And why does op think it fair she gets the house, her ex can fund 300-400k mortgage ( which btw would cost Circa 2500 + per month, plus CMS, oh and plus spousal maintenance

all leaving him zero to you know actually live on! That won’t happen even more so when op is perfectly capable of getting a job

That’s not at all true.

no way that in four months your husband has been convicted of anything. Courts are not working that fast. Your posts aren’t credible at all. Stop giving nonsense advice- op may be genuine.

No, her children would benefit from having a parent who is financially responsible.

Adulthood and raising children costs money. Being an adult who can’t pay their bills or contribute to housing or food or any expenses related to living for themselves or their children is not being a good parent or a responsible adult.

If the house is fully paid are you sure all the bills add up-to £1500 a month?

@Stillfat2023 the OP implies it's a big property with her comments about maintaining the house and garden. Even so, 1500 seems a lot, even with hefty council tax and utilities...

It still seems the real issue here is the OPs fear of change. It won't be financial hell to walk away from an unhappy marriage with a minimum of £200,000 from the house sale (and that's if split equally... she may be entitled to a larger share) plus she'll have a claim on the dh's pension (probably not inconsiderable as he's on 100k) plus child maintenance plus the fact she could pick up a job tomorrow- there are tons of vacancies for unskilled workers.

Her position is a far cry from most women's. Most women aren't sitting at instead of working with one kid in secondary school and the other heading that way, and most divorcing women certainly don't walk away with assets like the OP. I agree with @Freefall212 that being a responsible parent is about standing on your own two feet. It feels like although the OP seems 'lucky' to have been given a house by her dad and then supported by a high earning man, it's actually done the opposite of protect her because it's made her feel powerless to do things for herself

Sitting at home

You don't have to split each asset down the middle so you could (depending on circumstances) look at you keeping the house as he has an income that he could use to rehouse himself. In exchange he gets a bigger share (or all depending on value) of pensions etc. Then you could walk away with a clean break and start building for your future, with help from UC if needed. But most of all I'd seek professional legal advice as the first step as well meaning people may completely mess things up for you otherwise.

If husband was able to force a sale of the house & split it 50/50 I would not have enough to purchase another home

It doesn't work like this OP, someone wont come in with a hatchet and chop everything in half regardless of the outcome.

It's a needs case, unless you've got complicated and numerous assets. This means that the needs of the parties will be considered in any outcome with the childrens needs foremost.

Stop getting in your own way and making presumptions, get all the financial information together regarding income and outgoings, all assets and debts, and make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what you might be able to expect. Then you can make a decision. People on Mumsnet will give you a hashed together version of what happened to them/their friend/their aunt as factual advice and it's more or less useless as none of them are in the same position as you.