Husband wants a divorce, I'm a sahm, what are the steps I need to take?

[Shockedandworried6]

Finally my husband has said he wants us to separate. This has been a long time coming & it was just a matter of time who said it first. I want to separate aswell.
He's only just said it, so we are right at the beginning of the journey. I don't know at this point if it will be amicable or not .I would like it to be.
We have 2 kids age 9 and 12. We live in an owned outright home ,with a declaration of trust 80% I own, 20% he owns. I think this is legally binding but I don't fully know .
If it was , my dad would pay him the 20% cash to enable me to stay in the property. I presume this would be OK?
I have absolutely no idea where to start. I have been a sahm for 8 years. Husband is a middle earner.we don't claim any benefits.
In the short term if I was here alone , I presume I could claim universal credit? I of course would get a job but need time to settle everyone and get into a routine etc of knowing contact dates etc for what days I could work.

Can the whole thing be settled out of court if amicable or do such things have to go through court? Such as financial split and custody of the children. If we agree on a plan is it OK for us to just do that and have a simple no fault divorce?

I would assume step 1 would be to see a solicitor with your deed of trust and step 2 is to start looking for a job.

One of my ex’s stayed married till the kids turned 18, but were legally separated. He moved out though and got a mortgage in another place, so the kids and ex could stay in the family home.
I think the next step for you is getting a job to support yourself and your family. See if he will sign the family home over to you.

At the moment we are at the not talking to each other stage so I have no idea of anything at the moment. All I know I'd neither of us want to be apart from our kids.

Well you need to grow up and start talking. Or get solicitors to do it.

And you can't divorce a decent parent without losing some time with your kids.

You need a job. Having time to settle everyone and agree contact is a luxury. The basic starting point for those age children will be 1 week with mum and then 1 week with dad. So find yourself a job & appropriate childcare.

There is, I presume, no reason why you can’t work FT with the ages of your children. A court would expect this too.
Also, the ownership of the house may well be something you need to explore further. I’m assuming it’s owned as tennants in common, but that has little impact on who gets what in a divorce. All assets should be shared equally, so he would be entitled to 50% of your share, and you 50% of his.
You need proper legal advice asap.

Was the declaration of trust signed before or after you were married?

You need to see a solicitor asap regarding the property and any other financial matters. Your husband will also need to take independent legal advice.

You don't need to go to court (and, in fact, it's advisable not to, if you can avoid it). Mediation can be helpful if you find it hard to negotiate with your husband. You will save a lot of money, though, if you can work this out between yourselves.

Btw, there's no such thing as "custody" if you're in the UK (though you might not be). If you are, it's a Child Arrangements Order. Though you might also be able to agree this between yourselves without any need for a formal Order. Bear in mind that your older child is coming up to the age when they would be able to decide whom they see and when. I know you say that neither of you wants to be apart from your children, but I'm afraid that is one of the many horrible side-effects of divorce.

I can't advise on benefits, but given the ages of your children and given the fact that your husband is not a high earner, being a SAHM isn't sustainable. There will simply not be enough money in the pot to go round, as your husband will also have to be housed in accordance with his needs. If you end up keeping the family home, he would have to be compensated in some other way (which is why you both need to get proper legal advice).

If he is happy with the financial settlement you have proposed, this can be done through a consent order so you would not need to go to court in person. Much simpler that you have no mortgage, but if you have any savings this will impact on a UC claim

How’s it going to be amicable if you’re not talking to each other? Hammering out finances and child contact is going to require talking to each other or through lawyers, the former will cost you much less.

I'm suprised you haven't returned to work earlier given your dc ages. You will be expected to get a full time job to support the dc

The basic starting point for those age children will be 1 week with mum and then 1 week with dad

This would only be true if both parents have previously spent the equal amounts of time looking after the children. OP has been a SAHM and her husband has been working, so this is not necessarily the case here. It may also be that it's in the children's best interests to have one 'main' residence, rather than chopping and changing week by week (which can be the worst of all worlds for children). The 12 year old may say they're not doing it, even if that's what the parents want. There are too many variables to make blanket statements like this.

I would also add that the consent order could detail any spousal and/or maintenance, but in reality it is difficult to enforce. A good starting point would be the government child maintenance calculator to see how much maintenance might be paid by him to you if you were the parent the children live with most of the time. It is discounted by 1/7 for each night per week the children stay with him. If you looked at that and child benefit, you would have an idea of what additional income you would need from working, although if your income is low UC might well top it up.

Your children are getting to an age where their wishes would be taken into account with regards to parental split.

You need to work out what you'll be entitled to in child maintenance once he leaves the home.

Your universal credit amount will be lower because you own rather than rent.

You should be looking for a job now really, your children are old enough for you to be working, eldest coming home alone if needs be and youngest in after school club.

If you want to do this amicably, you need to start discussions.

For what it's worth, we did all of ours completely amicably, no solicitor involved at all and we were both happy with the final settlement. It doesn't have to involve a battle but it does take discussion and honesty to do it without a solicitor.

Get yourself a job. You will be expected to become financially independent of him in the shortest time.

Start talking with eachother if you don't want to waste money. Solicitors will be more than happy to write to eachother over mundane things, all the while spending your money which is more helpful to you both after the event.

You will have to give up time with your children if you are sharing the parenting. It's a case of getting used to it, abd then you will quickly find other stuff to do witgyour time off.

ALWAYS put your children's needs first. Never play games over contact etc, this is incredibly damaging for the child.

Good luck! It can be done with minimal upset if you are determined.

You need legal advice, especially regarding the trust.

But don't forget about pensions. Can potentially be more valuable than the house.

What about other investments?

Have a look at Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies

I think there’s often an assumption that people are in England. Divorce laws are different in other parts of the UK - and the world. So take legal advice from a qualified solicitor.

We aren't speaking because it's only happened this morning (on valentines day of all days!) So as you can appreciate I feel very upset and shocked right now . But also that its the right decision.

Obviously I have to go to work, I haven't because husband didn't want me to as he didn't want to look after the kids whilst climbing the career ladder.

We don't have savings worth arguing about, and his pension is small at the moment. We just have the house, joint bank account for bills. His back account for his wage and our 2 children and a dog.
Oldest is at high school so yes his childcare is no problem. Youngest can be sorted .

You definitely don't have to go to court and it's better I'd you can donit between you or possibly with mediation.

But I would get a solicitor to give you some basic advice re what to consider etc. If the 2 of you then agree to something that works for both of you, great. If not, you might need a solicitor to handle it.

Either way, a solicitor to start and a sense from you re what you would like in ideal world and what is the minimum you accept if not, is the first step.

I would go to a solicitor, and citizen’s advice. You can get 30mins free at a solicitor and you can go to more than one. I wouldn’t advise getting divorced without a solicitor, though you don’t both necessarily need one (my exH didn’t get one as we agreed on most things and the money was fairly straightforward). Once exH has moved out you can apply for benefits, and get child benefit if you weren’t already. My ex carried on paying the rent in our house for a few months until we had the finances sorted. You should look at the maintenance calculator to work out a baseline of what he needs to pay. If you’ve been a SAHM you may also be entitled to spousal maintenance (I was, but we agreed on a lump sum instead to enable me to buy a house for me and DC).

It is daunting but you can get through it, one thing at a time! But step one is definitely to see a solicitor.

Solicitor regarding the house, it’s the only asset apart from his pension. Do not muck about here, see one asap. Plus depending on where you live get the best one in your local area as they can’t represent both of you. If your Dad will pay the 20% to buy him out your very lucky. Get three valuations on your house obviously the 20% will be far bigger than a few years ago. Do you receive child benefits because if not you won’t even have your basic NI contributions covered for all those years.

The declaration of trust shows intent so will carry a lot of weight should you have to go down the legal route. I would suggest when the time comes to talk it through you remain civil. If its something you both want then at least you both are starting from the same position.

If he has a small pension, don't go after it, especially if you are getting the house, or 80% of it. Compromise on things. Try and work together to ensure you both have the ability to 'start again' whilst ensuring you have a place to house your children when you each have them.

Communication is key but so is compromise. Don't give in to everything but don't try and take everything either.

Whatever settlement you agree must account for the fact that you have sacrificed career progression, earning potential and pension provision for his benefit.

What proof do you have that he prevented you from working?

You definitely need competent legal advice.

How much does your husband earn OP? You say he's a middle earner, but perceptions vary a lot...

Best of luck with everything.