Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is DH being coercive and abusive?

88 replies

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 05:56

It’s early and I have been up most of the night thinking about the way DH behaves. I would value a MN perspective on this.

Things have not been good between DH and I for well over a year. We have been together for several decades. Our sex life has been pretty minimal recently mainly because he is being so moody and nasty I find it a complete turn off. We have been trying to talk about how we make things better as we as we both feel we have lost our emotional connection.

My problem is that I am feeling more and more as though I am in an abusive relationship. When we argue, DH will constantly turn things back on me, picking up things I did over 20 years ago and throwing them back at me. These are trivial things, the normal irritations of life. For example, he is upset because I once laughed at a line in a TV show from over a year ago which he thought I shouldn’t have done and it upset him because at some other time I said something which indicated I didn’t find jokes like that funny, and so I am not consistent. To be honest I can’t remember the line, or why I laughed.

He says I am to blame for his low mood as he can’t be himself. He wants to be aggressive, which I don’t like. He has recently raised how he feels rejected because I won’t do a specific sex act with him. It isn’t anything unusual, it just isn’t for me, I have done it with him and told him that I didn’t enjoy it. He feels rejected by it and said a while ago that because I won’t do it, then I am putting barriers up to emotional connection. This feels desperately unfair, and I can’t get it out of my head. It feels like coercion, in that if I want emotional connection then I must do what he wants in bed. Am I overreacting on this?

The lack of sleep is probably making my thinking erratic, but I feel as though a line has been crossed.

OP posts:
ginoclocksomewhere · 02/06/2023 06:06

Yes he is. He's 'rejected' that you won't perform a sex act AND he 'wants to be aggressive'? Honestly? He sounds like a predator.

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 06:15

He's changed over the last few years. We had a really good time together up until recently. It's time to leave isn't it?

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 06:23

Yes. You have the right to say no to anything sexually. In a healthy relationship you'd talk about it and he'd accept your decision. He wouldn't pressure you into it or blackmail you.

What do you mean, he wants to be aggressive? In bed? Out of bed? That's not good at all.

And the arguing - bringing something up from years ago is a poor tactic, designed to confuse you and shut you down.

I wonder what has brought on this change of behaviour? Do you think he's met someone?

Billybagpuss · 02/06/2023 06:26

He wants to be aggressive who the fuck wants to be aggressive and why would anyone put up with it. Run.

Reugny · 02/06/2023 06:27

He sounds emotionally immature. If someone doesn't consent to a sexual act then making them do it is abuse.

Work out the safest way to leave him e.g. if a couples counsellor like Relate will help make him see you should both move on separately. The reason I'm saying that is as he has a habit of blaming you for his own feelings then divorcing him will be a nightmare.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/06/2023 06:28

I would say bringing things up from the past comes across like he wants an argument. He is entitled to express his feelings regarding your sex life. It doesn’t mean you have to comply or feel pressured to do it.
I wouldn’t say this is enough to class your relationship as abusive. I’ve done the freedom programme twice too.
Is he depressed? Would you both consider counselling to see if you can salvage your relationship?

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 06:29

piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 06:23

Yes. You have the right to say no to anything sexually. In a healthy relationship you'd talk about it and he'd accept your decision. He wouldn't pressure you into it or blackmail you.

What do you mean, he wants to be aggressive? In bed? Out of bed? That's not good at all.

And the arguing - bringing something up from years ago is a poor tactic, designed to confuse you and shut you down.

I wonder what has brought on this change of behaviour? Do you think he's met someone?

He doesn't want to be aggressive in bed (at least he hasn't said that yet). He wants to be able to be aggressive to others if we are out and they annoy him. For example if someone bumps into him. He does do this on occasion and it's so intimidating and totally unnecessary for level of irritation that's happened.

The change of behaviour is odd. I don't know if he's met someone. Sometimes the things he says sound like he's been listening to Andrew state or similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 06:31

@Billybagpuss - that's what I was thinking at 2am.

OP posts:
wp65 · 02/06/2023 06:34

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/06/2023 06:28

I would say bringing things up from the past comes across like he wants an argument. He is entitled to express his feelings regarding your sex life. It doesn’t mean you have to comply or feel pressured to do it.
I wouldn’t say this is enough to class your relationship as abusive. I’ve done the freedom programme twice too.
Is he depressed? Would you both consider counselling to see if you can salvage your relationship?

But he clearly is pressuring her to do it. He says if she won't do it, she is preventing their emotional connection.

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 06:34

@Reugny and @Thequeenofwishfulthinking - I have suggested couple's counselling, but he doesn't want to do it. I will have a look at the Freedom Programme, I haven't see that before. I think he is depressed, and I have gently tried to suggest he sees a doctor, but he won't go. He says there is nothing wrong.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 06:40

I'd have sole counselling, not joint. Joint is not recommended in an abusive relationship. With your h acting this way, I'm not sure what you'd get out of it. Better to have counselling so YOU can work out what you want to do.

Agree with a pp that blaming you for his moods is bad.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/06/2023 06:42

Just a thought about the aggressive behaviour in general. He’s not a gym fanatic is he? A lot of men are on steroids these days which cause aggression. That’s not a factor is it?

ChumleyMcGnee · 02/06/2023 06:43

Arguments/disagreements should be about the issue you disagree on, any name calling or bringing in another issue ie arguments from years ago is abusive. Along with stonewalling and eye rolling contempt.

The sex act you won't perform, him bringing it up all the time is coercive control, make me happy by doing something you hate. I cannot imagine a more horrid situation than trying to force your partner to do something they have tried and stated they hate.

The sudden aggression at the world and going out looking for a situation to get aggressive about would make me worry he has an underlying medical issue. My uncle was diagnosed with early onset dementia in his late 40s. His behaviour also changed quite suddenly.

Or he is treating you appallingly because he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy for ending the marriage as his head has been turned by someone else. Whatever the reason it doesn't sound like either of you are happy. So why stay? Start to work out how to leave.

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 06:45

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/06/2023 06:42

Just a thought about the aggressive behaviour in general. He’s not a gym fanatic is he? A lot of men are on steroids these days which cause aggression. That’s not a factor is it?

He's very into his fitness but I don't think there is steroid use. He's not gaining muscle just leaning out. He's also told me he thinks they are dangerous. The aggression comes from somewhere else I think. He seems angry at the world.

OP posts:
Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/06/2023 06:47

I know from personal experience it doesn’t always cause big muscle gain. The signs are usually mood swings, aggressive behaviour in general and acne on the back of the neck and the upper back. I’m not trying to force this issue but it’s interesting that he’s mentioned them to you OP.

Hallmark1234 · 02/06/2023 06:51

There's clearly some kind of anger and resentment going on with him atm. It may not be to do with you solely, but he's clearly treating you with contempt and a lack of respect.

You need to work out if the real him is worth fighting for, or not and make plans to either leave or help him work through his anger.

He may of course be trying to get you to be the one to call a halt, so he can feel vindicated!

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:04

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/06/2023 06:47

I know from personal experience it doesn’t always cause big muscle gain. The signs are usually mood swings, aggressive behaviour in general and acne on the back of the neck and the upper back. I’m not trying to force this issue but it’s interesting that he’s mentioned them to you OP.

That's interesting. I had always assumed it was the body building scene that used them. I'll see what I can find out.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:08

Hallmark1234 · 02/06/2023 06:51

There's clearly some kind of anger and resentment going on with him atm. It may not be to do with you solely, but he's clearly treating you with contempt and a lack of respect.

You need to work out if the real him is worth fighting for, or not and make plans to either leave or help him work through his anger.

He may of course be trying to get you to be the one to call a halt, so he can feel vindicated!

It does feel like he's trying to drive me out. When he talks to me badly and I call him out on it he says he feels like he can't speak his mind and that makes him bottle things up. Which in turn makes him feel low and moody.

I have come to the conclusion that the man I married is gone, for reasons I don't understand. I love him very deeply but I can't live like this.

OP posts:
muddlingthrou · 02/06/2023 07:10

Hallmark1234 · 02/06/2023 06:51

There's clearly some kind of anger and resentment going on with him atm. It may not be to do with you solely, but he's clearly treating you with contempt and a lack of respect.

You need to work out if the real him is worth fighting for, or not and make plans to either leave or help him work through his anger.

He may of course be trying to get you to be the one to call a halt, so he can feel vindicated!

I don't think it's OP's job to work out who the 'real him' is though. He sounds deeply unhappy and he's lashing out. I would get as far away as possible, personally. He's dragging you down with him.

noideabutstilltrying · 02/06/2023 07:14

This seems like you could be talking about my husband!

He changed very quickly into someone I felt I didn't know. We'd been together 25 years and had 2 children

He blamed me for an awful lot and for his low mood.

It turns out that he just felt overlooked and beaten down by family life. He felt that his life should have more excitement

I also found out that he'd met a younger woman.

Your husband is being abusive to you. The things you have mentioned aren't great and I'll bet that there is more.

Get some counselling so that you have your thoughts straight so that you know how your feeling about his actions rather than him telling you how you should feel and what you should accept

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:15

@muddlingthrou - he is deeply unhappy, I can see that. He says it is me, and can list dozens of things I do or don't do or have or haven't done. I know I'm not perfect, and I've always apologised when I have made mistakes. I've tried to be a good partner to him. Having said that I don't think it is all about me and my flaws.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 02/06/2023 07:18

You have the right to leave a relationship at any time, you don't need a reason. You're under no obligation to stay because he thinks you're in the wrong or making a mountain out of a molehill, or to try to 'save' him. It's enough that the relationship is no longer working for you and making you happy.

Though fwiw from your examples I think he sounds abusive, especially if they are part of a pattern of behaviour.

I just mention the above in case he tries to gaslight you by claiming the abuse/coercion is all in your head. Remember that you don't need to be 'right' - it's enough that you want to leave.

unsync · 02/06/2023 07:19

It's not you, it's him. He's responsible for his own emotions. Don't let him do this to you.

wildfirewonder · 02/06/2023 07:19

This relationship sounds hostile and toxic to me.

Sorry you have this to deal with, but trust yourself now you have felt a line has been crossed.

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:19

@noideabutstilltrying - I'm sorry to hear about your husband. The more I think the more I wonder if he has met someone or would like to.

My DH has also talked about his life lacking excitement. I'm not sure what he want though. We have jobs and a house and that means most things will be mundane. The way to get through the day to day is to see the lighter side of things, not get aggressive because someone accidentally bumped into you in Tesco.

He used to be so funny and kind. I haven't seen that man for a long time now.

OP posts: