Is DH being coercive and abusive?

[FightingOnwards]

It’s early and I have been up most of the night thinking about the way DH behaves. I would value a MN perspective on this.

Things have not been good between DH and I for well over a year. We have been together for several decades. Our sex life has been pretty minimal recently mainly because he is being so moody and nasty I find it a complete turn off. We have been trying to talk about how we make things better as we as we both feel we have lost our emotional connection.

My problem is that I am feeling more and more as though I am in an abusive relationship. When we argue, DH will constantly turn things back on me, picking up things I did over 20 years ago and throwing them back at me. These are trivial things, the normal irritations of life. For example, he is upset because I once laughed at a line in a TV show from over a year ago which he thought I shouldn’t have done and it upset him because at some other time I said something which indicated I didn’t find jokes like that funny, and so I am not consistent. To be honest I can’t remember the line, or why I laughed.

He says I am to blame for his low mood as he can’t be himself. He wants to be aggressive, which I don’t like. He has recently raised how he feels rejected because I won’t do a specific sex act with him. It isn’t anything unusual, it just isn’t for me, I have done it with him and told him that I didn’t enjoy it. He feels rejected by it and said a while ago that because I won’t do it, then I am putting barriers up to emotional connection. This feels desperately unfair, and I can’t get it out of my head. It feels like coercion, in that if I want emotional connection then I must do what he wants in bed. Am I overreacting on this?

The lack of sleep is probably making my thinking erratic, but I feel as though a line has been crossed.

Thank you for the kind words. The posts have really helped me see that, regardless what you call it, DH's behaviour is not good.

These discussions about sex and his anger and so on have been going on for over a year. I think it is time to put a stop to things. Now I just need to be brave enough.

FightingOnwards

@BetterFuture1985 and @stayathomer - you both make really good points. I think what made me wonder about coercion was his statement that we can't be fully emotionally connected unless I do what he wants in bed. Perhaps it isn't a textbook definition of abuse or coercion, but is isn't very nice, so perhaps it doesn't matter either way.
Well that’s true- maybe it’s just semantics- it doesn’t really matter, if there’s a problem there’s a problem and if you’re not happy that needs to be figured out x

Sounds a little similar to my H who left me 10 weeks ago after a lifetime of childhood/parental/MH issues have caused him to seem to revel in being an angry man, can’t argue without personal insults and more recently bringing up issues from years ago. Admittedly I started to retaliate with personal insults after 3 years of him constantly calling me names, although he insists that my insults are much worse than his and are unforgivable (including him screaming in my face that I’m a controlling c*nt, that I’m fat and making fatty gestures at me). No advice sorry, but just wanted to comment as wondering why men act in this way

That sounds awful, I'm so sorry. I don't understand why my DH can't see how hurtful he's being and why he thinks doing what he does will make things better.

I heard something recently referencing people of a certain generation being agog at what sex is like these days. Once upon a time men talked about getting a feel of a boob as something exciting and naughty. Nowadays they see ( porn) and hear about women giving oral and anal sex as part of everyday sex. It blows their mind to think they are missing out on this experience and so some of them become more demanding.
I am in my early sixties and there was never any talk about either oral or anal in my youth. I feel sorry for girls today, with the pressures on them to perform like a porn star.

@Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername - that's interesting. DH has said that most other women will do what he's asking for, not sure how he knows that. I'm sure some will, some won't, but it doesn't matter what other women will or won't do, the only thing that matters is that I don't want to. Telling me we can't have a full emotional connection because of that one act is very unkind at best.

I agree with you completely. How can someone who wants to rekindle the intimacy with you not understand that won’t happen if they pressure you into something.

I just feel there are so many of this older me who feel they are missing out because they were born before the advent of easily accessible and extreme pornography. I also don’t believe the everyone else does it argument either.

I disagree with a pp, repeatedly demanding a sex act that he knows you dislike because he says ‘it’s the only way’ to connect emotionally, telling you that you are abnormal because other women do it and punishing you by being frankly awful is in my mind coercion.

It doesn’t actually matter what label his behaviour falls under though. The truth of the matter is that you are unhappy, he is unhappy and the relationship has run its course. It is time to move on and live a life of that isn’t a battlefield.

You deserve to be happy and not waste all of your emotional energy and mental effort in trying to fix him. Be kind to yourself and call it a day. Be aware that it won’t be easy and you will second guess yourself and mourn for the man he once was and the relationship and future you thought you were going to have. It will pass and you’ll be happy again.

I do wonder how much porn has to do with this. I'm not aware that he watches it, but who knows. I'm no prude, and what he's asking for isn't particularly unusual, but it isn't something I enjoy, that should be enough surely?

Like you say, it probably doesn't matter what you call it, it's making me unhappy.

I'm scared to death as I know how hard leaving will be. I do have very good friends though, and for that I'm thankful. Not to mention the fabulous Mumsnetters with their wise words.

It sounds like you know what you need to do.

To encourage you..my marriage was much like this. Not to start with, slowly, over time. Every conversation ended with him saying what I was doing wrong. I didn’t put him first, I spent time supporting my friends. Every time I went out or wanted to do something new, he’d say it was fine but then something would come up and suddenly there would be a fight or some drama just before I left. He was miserable. He refused to get help for that - refused to try different antidepressants even though they impacted on his sex drive and caused insomnia, refused to get counselling, refused to get a medical review for his health issues. It was always implied I was dragging him down. In the end I decided enough was enough, I set him free.
18 months later I am so much happier. He jumped straight in to a new relationship. Guess what? He’s still miserable 🤷🏻‍♀️ I won’t lie and say it’s been easy. It’s been tough, financially. I felt very dependent on him and it was tough to go it alone. But I am! I own my own home now, I’ve done more DIY than I did in my entire marriage! I’ve also met a lovely fella. Not rushing in but really happy with him. Yes it was tough but I don’t regret it.

@FightingOnwards i could have written that all myself. My husband was exactly the same.
Caused a huge argument and demanded a divorce and said i never think about him because, wait for it.... i didn't clean the bit between the shower door handle!!!

Needless to say his ridiculous attitude for 20 yrs which also became aggressive towards our children, was enough for me to tell him enough was enough a few months ago.

We had the same issues regards our sexlife and emotional connection that he blamed solely on me.

You are not being treated correctly and one day you'll know when its enough, it took me a long time to find the courage, he made me feel like i couldn't live without him.....and now i see clearly that he's wrong.
He was my financial security, i have a tiny business that wouldn't cover the bills. But nothing is worth staying in an abusive relationship for

You can do anything, don't let anything hold you back, life isn't long enough.

How are you doing OP?