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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is DH being coercive and abusive?

88 replies

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 05:56

It’s early and I have been up most of the night thinking about the way DH behaves. I would value a MN perspective on this.

Things have not been good between DH and I for well over a year. We have been together for several decades. Our sex life has been pretty minimal recently mainly because he is being so moody and nasty I find it a complete turn off. We have been trying to talk about how we make things better as we as we both feel we have lost our emotional connection.

My problem is that I am feeling more and more as though I am in an abusive relationship. When we argue, DH will constantly turn things back on me, picking up things I did over 20 years ago and throwing them back at me. These are trivial things, the normal irritations of life. For example, he is upset because I once laughed at a line in a TV show from over a year ago which he thought I shouldn’t have done and it upset him because at some other time I said something which indicated I didn’t find jokes like that funny, and so I am not consistent. To be honest I can’t remember the line, or why I laughed.

He says I am to blame for his low mood as he can’t be himself. He wants to be aggressive, which I don’t like. He has recently raised how he feels rejected because I won’t do a specific sex act with him. It isn’t anything unusual, it just isn’t for me, I have done it with him and told him that I didn’t enjoy it. He feels rejected by it and said a while ago that because I won’t do it, then I am putting barriers up to emotional connection. This feels desperately unfair, and I can’t get it out of my head. It feels like coercion, in that if I want emotional connection then I must do what he wants in bed. Am I overreacting on this?

The lack of sleep is probably making my thinking erratic, but I feel as though a line has been crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:23

Goldbar · 02/06/2023 07:18

You have the right to leave a relationship at any time, you don't need a reason. You're under no obligation to stay because he thinks you're in the wrong or making a mountain out of a molehill, or to try to 'save' him. It's enough that the relationship is no longer working for you and making you happy.

Though fwiw from your examples I think he sounds abusive, especially if they are part of a pattern of behaviour.

I just mention the above in case he tries to gaslight you by claiming the abuse/coercion is all in your head. Remember that you don't need to be 'right' - it's enough that you want to leave.

Thanks @Goldbar - You are right, I don't need a reason other than I am unhappy. It's easy to forget that. I know if one of my friends had said this about their partner I would be helping them think through how to leave.

The cycle of bringing things up, the issue around sex, and then extreme kindness because he's worried about me happens around every 4 - 6 weeks. I had started keeping a diary a couple of years ago when I felt things weren't going well, and looking back at it I can see how it has escalated.

I find the accusation that it is me that makes him this way very difficult. I don't want to have hurt the person I love, but equally I don't think what he is saying is fair.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 07:24

He sounds like my baby's father before he walked out and blamed me.

You can leave any time you want and don't need to justify your reasons to anyone. It's a short life we have, there is no reason to spend it unhappily!

But if you do feel it's worth saving or trying to get back to where you were , relationship counselling would be needed. Especially to move on from the blaming and grudge holding.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 02/06/2023 07:24

So for him to be happy you have to allow him to be aggressive and speak to you badly, and perform a sex act you don't like? Definitely time to call it a day OP. You deserve better than this.

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:25

@unsync and @wildfirewonder - You are both right and I need to trust myself to look after myself. I find it hard to understand how it got to this. I am a grown woman with a job and I would never take this kind of thing at work. I guess it is different with a personal relationship.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 07:26

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:25

@unsync and @wildfirewonder - You are both right and I need to trust myself to look after myself. I find it hard to understand how it got to this. I am a grown woman with a job and I would never take this kind of thing at work. I guess it is different with a personal relationship.

It's so different with an intimate relationship as the change is so slow and also I think it's because we feel disloyal talking about them to other people that we don't get other perspectives (that's why MN is great)

piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 07:32

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:15

@muddlingthrou - he is deeply unhappy, I can see that. He says it is me, and can list dozens of things I do or don't do or have or haven't done. I know I'm not perfect, and I've always apologised when I have made mistakes. I've tried to be a good partner to him. Having said that I don't think it is all about me and my flaws.

He should not be blaming you for his emotions. They are his to own.

If he is really that unhappy with you, he'd be trying to sort things or making plans to leave, not just being angry at you all the time. Surely?

C1N1C · 02/06/2023 07:39

I'm not sure this is abusive, rather stress and frustration.

The sex thing... You don't want it and shouldn't be pressured. He wants it and is naturally disappointed. Both are natural and absolutely fine. He shouldn't be harping on about it of course, but will hopefully adjust in time.

As for bringing things up from the past, many people do it... virtually every relationship I've been in it has happened. It's not nice, or fair, but the way we should see it is that these things clearly matter to the other person, so need to be addressed.

Write a list, sit each other down, work these out.

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:56

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 02/06/2023 07:24

So for him to be happy you have to allow him to be aggressive and speak to you badly, and perform a sex act you don't like? Definitely time to call it a day OP. You deserve better than this.

When you put it like that it seems so obvious...

OP posts:
jollyhollyday · 02/06/2023 07:57

This sounds so much like my DH I was reading with my jaw open
He says life lacks excitement, sex life needs more excitement, we have lost emotional connection, he sleeps early evening after work and then goes to see his friend every evening or he comes down - always has done as I tend to go to bed early. He's a night owl because he hates work so much he tries to squeeze every drop of the day out
But results in me Alone in evening - two DC but connection can't happen if he is sleeping
He has always been a bit angry but last few years he's so angry at the world and everyone else in it,nothing is right on TV Or politics, traffic or neighbours etc. It's wearing.
I have a deep feeling he is grass is greener - like everyone else is having much better lives and inventive sex regularly and it's just us that isn't.
I feel things he has tried to put on me have been unfair
I think he is unhappy himself and needs to work on that
But if I'm being honest it's hard to think this every day and I feel lost some day

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:57

@Unexpectedlysinglemum - I do feel horribly disloyal about discussing these things, even in an anonymous forum like this. He is intensely private and would be horrified if he could read this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:59

piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 07:32

He should not be blaming you for his emotions. They are his to own.

If he is really that unhappy with you, he'd be trying to sort things or making plans to leave, not just being angry at you all the time. Surely?

Show quote history

In his head he thinks he is trying to sort things out by talking about our problems. The issue with that is that is version of talking about our problems means blaming me and not finding solutions or compromise.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 08:07

C1N1C · 02/06/2023 07:39

I'm not sure this is abusive, rather stress and frustration.

The sex thing... You don't want it and shouldn't be pressured. He wants it and is naturally disappointed. Both are natural and absolutely fine. He shouldn't be harping on about it of course, but will hopefully adjust in time.

As for bringing things up from the past, many people do it... virtually every relationship I've been in it has happened. It's not nice, or fair, but the way we should see it is that these things clearly matter to the other person, so need to be addressed.

Write a list, sit each other down, work these out.

Thanks for your perspective. He's definitely stressed and frustrated. Bringing up things from the past is OK, bit he says there is nothing I can do to make amends, and so I am left being told I am an awful person and there is nothing I can do about it. It is especially hard when he brings up something from 20 years ago which I don't even remember. He won't listen to my concerns at all. If I raise something he responds with 'well you did this..."

Perhaps it doesn't matter whether it is abusive or not. It isn't very nice and I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 08:12

@jollyhollyday - It sounds like our DHs have same problem. Is it a mid life crisis? It has left me feeling like I can do no right, I can't talk about anything in case I set him off on a rant. In terms of sex I have made it clear this one act he wants is not on the cards, and that I would be really happy to try other things that we could both enjoy, but he just can't get away from the one act.

I hope you can work things out with your DH, and if you manage to find a solution, please let me know how you did it as I am at a loss now.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 08:25

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:57

@Unexpectedlysinglemum - I do feel horribly disloyal about discussing these things, even in an anonymous forum like this. He is intensely private and would be horrified if he could read this thread.

Well, of course he would, especially as he's not coming a across very well...

piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 08:26

In his head he thinks he is trying to sort things out by talking about our problems. The issue with that is that is version of talking about our problems means blaming me and not finding solutions or compromise.

Is this how he has always approached disagreements, or is this new? If it's new, then he knows how he's acting is wrong. He's choosing to act this way.

jollyhollyday · 02/06/2023 08:37

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 08:12

@jollyhollyday - It sounds like our DHs have same problem. Is it a mid life crisis? It has left me feeling like I can do no right, I can't talk about anything in case I set him off on a rant. In terms of sex I have made it clear this one act he wants is not on the cards, and that I would be really happy to try other things that we could both enjoy, but he just can't get away from the one act.

I hope you can work things out with your DH, and if you manage to find a solution, please let me know how you did it as I am at a loss now.

I have thought it's a mid life crisis and actually said this to him but he completely denies it. Textbook just got a tiny sports car "for fun" 😔
I think he sees mid life and what's coming and is panicking
He hates his age and getting old
But I can't deal with the anger and hate towards everything and everyone
I feel not enough
Sex life - similar he wants to do things I'm not comfortable with and he says they are perfectly normal etc
If I couldn't read MN and posts like this and he wonderful women who reply then I would lose my mind

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/06/2023 08:47

He wants to be able to be aggressive to others if we are out and they annoy him. For example if someone bumps into him. He does do this on occasion and it's so intimidating and totally unnecessary for level of irritation that's happened

Hi OP, this is the bit that really concerns me. Either he's going to get aggressive out there and try it on with the wrong person and find himself in trouble/hospital. Or he's going to let that aggression come out at home and direct it at you.

3girls1boy1puppy · 02/06/2023 08:56

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:15

@muddlingthrou - he is deeply unhappy, I can see that. He says it is me, and can list dozens of things I do or don't do or have or haven't done. I know I'm not perfect, and I've always apologised when I have made mistakes. I've tried to be a good partner to him. Having said that I don't think it is all about me and my flaws.

Do not allow him to make you think you are to blame for his unhappiness. He is the master of his own destiny. If his life is making him unhappy then only he can change that. Another persons actions can make you unhappy, but if you choose to stay with them, then you are actively choosing to be unhappy. It is not your fault.

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 09:02

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/06/2023 08:47

He wants to be able to be aggressive to others if we are out and they annoy him. For example if someone bumps into him. He does do this on occasion and it's so intimidating and totally unnecessary for level of irritation that's happened

Hi OP, this is the bit that really concerns me. Either he's going to get aggressive out there and try it on with the wrong person and find himself in trouble/hospital. Or he's going to let that aggression come out at home and direct it at you.

That worried me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 09:03

@3girls1boy1puppy - those are wise words. You are absolutely right.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 09:04

@jollyhollyday - my DH has been looking at fast cars too... I've said if he wants one then get what makes him happy. It is classic midlife crisis stuff isn't it?

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 02/06/2023 09:07

Whatever the cause, it sounds as though you are both unhappy and your relationship has run its course. Can you afford to separate (accepting the inevitable changes in lifestyle).

Original poster
FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 09:08

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 02/06/2023 09:07

Whatever the cause, it sounds as though you are both unhappy and your relationship has run its course. Can you afford to separate (accepting the inevitable changes in lifestyle).

Fortunately we can afford to separate so that's not an issue. The emotional pain is quite another thing altogether Sad

OP posts:
unsync · 02/06/2023 09:09

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:25

@unsync and @wildfirewonder - You are both right and I need to trust myself to look after myself. I find it hard to understand how it got to this. I am a grown woman with a job and I would never take this kind of thing at work. I guess it is different with a personal relationship.

The trouble is they use your feelings against you to make you feel bad / belittled and it wears you down and you lose confidence and self esteem. You start to believe it is you when it really isn't. The longer you stay, the worse it gets. I did nearly 25 years. Life is much better now. I am happy. You can be too. 💐

Reugny · 02/06/2023 09:11

FightingOnwards · 02/06/2023 07:04

That's interesting. I had always assumed it was the body building scene that used them. I'll see what I can find out.

Show quote history

Is he taking any supplements or powders?

They are unregulated so some contain steroids.