Child Maintenance

[Another2022]

But if background - left my wife in Oct 2021. She’s still in the family home (owned outright, no mortgage). We haven’t even started talking about a financial arrangement but should be starting in our second mediation session next week.

I’ve paid maintenance via her bills to a value equal to the CMS calculator since I bought a house in April last year. I was paying more before that as I couldn’t have the kids that much living with my parents.

since getting my place I’ve had the kids 6/14 days (4 under 13 years old). I’d like to have them 7/14 but ex won’t allow it.

My problem is my parents helped my out a bit with money but that money is now running out. After bills I’ve got around £450 (depending on my on call hours and call-outs) which is just about enough to live on keeping around £50/m to save up for big bills like insurance.

My ex won’t let me know anything about her finances so have no idea what money she has after bills. If she insists on maintenance rather than letting me looking after the kids half the time, what can I do? If she wants to keep getting £420/month I’m pretty screwed and it would probably result in me having to sell the house I bought that me and the kids have made a home.

If, after bills we’re left with similar amounts and she won’t let me take more care of the kids (it’s essentially two Sunday nights a month 6pm - school the next morning) would it be reasonable if me to ask not to give her the £420? I’ll still continue to pay for some stuff like her internet, phones and a few subscriptions).

In a bit of a tight spot but don’t want to be a doc about it!

Why are you letting her insist on anything related to CMS. Why not go to Court and seek 50/50 custody. You do not need her permission to do that. However, if you work on call , how practical a solution is 50/50? Your children should not have to suffer in such an arrangement.

What is best for the kids?

I don’t want to do court as it’s expensive and haven’t got the money. It’s also very stressful.

On call isn’t really a problem since it’s rare I get called and as long as I have my laptop with me and a phone I can sort it from anywhere. It’s only 1 week in 6 and doesn’t stop us doing anything.

Whats best for the kids, I think, is that things are stable and we stay in this house. It’s perfect for schools and their friends and it’s a few minutes walk from their mum’s (which sounds a bit close but in actual fact they’re far enough apart so that we’re not in each others lives). Kids have nice rooms and are settled. Really don’t want to give it up.

I think they’d be happy to go bed here every other Sunday or continue to go to their mums so wouldn’t be a big deal.

Have you over stretched on the mortgage and now want her to go without.
450 a month is a percentage of your wage so she will also be paying a percentage (prob larger) for their needs.
You prob need to look at the housing better. You shoukd have sorted family home etc first.

You should have got a financial order first. You can litigate in person

Might’ve overstretched but it’s the best place possible for the kids now they’ve got two homes.

No, I don’t want her to go without, I really don’t want to even sell the old family home until our youngest is 18 (or she buys me out or they’ve all left home etc) as it’s a lovely place and it’s where the kids have been most of their lives.

I doubt she’ll be paying much more for their needs for two extra evenings a month putting them to bed and giving them breakfast. Why do you think she’d have significant extra costs?

I don't know how CMS calculations work but not sure why you're paying so much when you have the kids 6/14? You're not far off 50/50 so your contribution to the days she has them shouldn't be huge? Is £420 what CMS says you should be paying? Because I'm finding it hard to believe that your share of the extra day a fortnight is that much? Have you redone the calculations based on the amount of time you have the DC now vs when you first split?

And of course, the marital home is a joint asset so at some point you're going to have to agree how that will be split - and if you're going to get some of the equity, you can use that to help reduce your current mortgage.

Can you clarify your current setup? You say you have the children 6/14 days, so fairly close to 50/50 but also talk about 2 Sundays a month overnight. Do you mean you'd like two extra Sundays to bring it to 50/50?
Even if residency stays at 6/14 that doesn't mean your current child maintenance figure has to stay the same if it's too much or not accurate, taking residency and your salary into account.

Usually the extra costs come from all the extras that someone has to pay for. So did you buy the school uniforms for the days they are with you, their other clothes, their bus fares and school lunches those days, their sporting activities, their friends birthday presents, their haircuts etc.

If the kids are happy with 50:50 (I never inflicted that on my own kids, have you ever tried moving all your stuff every 3 days??) then why not go for it as part of mediation - everything changes during divorce and both sides have to make accommodations. Just don't be that dick who thinks all they need to do is provide the evening meal! It really is 50:50 - gp appointments, time off work to cover sickness, out of school activities etc

You need some of the equity from the marital home to decrease the size of your mortgage which in turn, will free up some cash for maintenance and living expenses.
Therefore get going with the divorce to get a clean break. As part of that your wife will need to submit a form e which discloses finances and then you can see what mortgage she can support and that's your equity to reduce your mortgage

Yes, the two Sunday nights would bring it up to 7/14.

It’s expensive as it’s 4 kids and cms is banded so even if I only had the 4/14 then it would be the same due.

And yes, when they’re with me I pay for everything. TBF ex usually gets the branded school uniform but she tells me and I send her half the money. I also do (and pay for) out of school activities and clothes/shoes for them here, pocket money and yeh just everything they do with me. They get free school meals cos she’s on benefits (no idea how much) but so packed lunches when they want one. And yeh, I cover sickness and take them to dentists when it’s on my days or ex is at work as my work is more flexible than hers.

In our first mediation session, and since I got this house, I asked for 50/50. She said she wants to reduce time here!

Kids seem happy enough with the living arrangements, most of the time the changeover is after school so less noticeable. It’s not one week here and one week there. It’s settled into a routine now.

Really don’t want to sell the old family home. Happy for her to live in it without rent/mortgage with my capital left in it. doubt it would do her any favours as she’d need a mortgage on top of the capital to get anything half as good round here so I’m happy to take that burden on for both of us.

If her income is so low that the kids get free school meals, but you earn enough to pay that much maintenance on an almost 50:50 split, there must be a real discrepancy in income!

I agree with pp. In mediation and beyond if necessary, this will all be resolved and goes far beyond the 2 additional nights per month. Get the finances sorted - are you going for 50:50 on assets, are you pension sharing or giving her more £ or house assuming your income discrepancy is also represented in the house.

The decision around shared care is not for her to make alone. If you want 50:50, kids want it, you feel it is in their best interests, then don't just roll over - fight for it if necessary. Court is not necessarily stressful or expensive.

If you're happy for her to live in the house rent free, then that should be taken into account in mediation and should be in the contract.

eg, you'll pay no maintenance but she can live rent free in the house. basic maintenance is on her but major maintenance/repairs split 50/50. She has to sell, or pay you out your share at the point at which the youngest leaves school.

I think unless there's far more to this than you're saying, any mediator would encourage her to go for that as it's a lot less difficult than her having to free up the capital for the house now and pay you out simply so she can continue to get £420/month from you for the 2 days a month she has the kids more than you.

Although, re-reading this, was she a SAHM and you a high earner? In which case, that will probably impact things and you might need to concede that the house is hers completely or at a much higher split the 50/50.

Is she a SAHM?

How old is the youngest child?. I would have thought that when the final financial settlement is made she would be expected to go back to work at some point, especially if you have the children set days each fortnight.

4/14 versus 6/14 makes a huge difference to the amount you have to pay.
CMS maxs out at 3 children anyway.
Have you actually used the governments CMS calculator?

how is she paying more if he wants 50/50?

She doesnt have rent/mortgage to pay ?

I would go to court and represent myself.

If you want to make someone do something they won't then court is your only option really isn't it? I mean, how else can you make her do it?

This. Because unless you're on an absolutely MASSIVE salary and/or are sitting on huge assets that she can't access, I can't understand why you seem to be paying so much considering you have the DC almost half the time.

50/50 is not ‘inflicting’! My DD lived 50/50 with us from being 6. When she was going to secondary school we asked her if she’d prefer to live at 1 house during the week and the other at the weekend during term time. She said no, she liked spending alternate weeks with us and wanted to carry on. She only stopped doing this when she went to Uni.
The only things she needed to move between houses was her school uniform and clothes. Id pick her up on Friday after school, pop over with her to her dads and her bags would be ready. No hassle at all.

She was a SAHM. Im on £41k so not mega high.

just done the online calculator again and it asks if it’s 2-3 nights per week, over 3 or 50/50. As it’s an average of 3 nights a week I’m in the 2-3 nights band. Even though I effectively have them 50/50 since it’s just a few ours on the Sunday night.

That’s another reason not to go to court - me and the kids spend loads of time together and have a good relationship so, although it would be nice, missing out those extra few hours isn’t the be all and end all.

She is now back at work - she does 9-3 five days a week at a school though I think it’s minimum wage so prob not a big earner. Might even be restricting her income to maximise benefits, not sure.

If she is living mortgage free in you shared property. It could be likely that th the percentage of your equity that she is using by not paying you for that use might come close to or exceed the CMS in which case you.probably don't need to be paying bills/CMS. It may be an actual wash until such time as you finalize things in Court.

A cleaner resolution might be to have her pay monthly rent to you for her use of your equity it the shared home, and you in turn pay it back to her as part or all of your CMS obligation. People tend to have a better understanding of situations when they have to make a cash outlay.

It's a side point, but I did birds nest parenting. That's where the parents move in and out every 3 days or every week. It's a huge hassle to have to have stuff ready to move, things in two places, etc. I know - because I actually did it for years. You can pretend it isn't but you don't seem to be speaking from personal experience - have you moved house every 3 days for years?

If ops kids are happy with 50:50 or want something else, as you say week/weekend split for instance, I think their views should be listened to. If they didn't want 50:50 but it saved the dad money, I wouldn't say that's a good enough reason to force them.