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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child Maintenance

81 replies

Another2022 · 18/04/2023 11:32

But if background - left my wife in Oct 2021. She’s still in the family home (owned outright, no mortgage). We haven’t even started talking about a financial arrangement but should be starting in our second mediation session next week.

I’ve paid maintenance via her bills to a value equal to the CMS calculator since I bought a house in April last year. I was paying more before that as I couldn’t have the kids that much living with my parents.

since getting my place I’ve had the kids 6/14 days (4 under 13 years old). I’d like to have them 7/14 but ex won’t allow it.

My problem is my parents helped my out a bit with money but that money is now running out. After bills I’ve got around £450 (depending on my on call hours and call-outs) which is just about enough to live on keeping around £50/m to save up for big bills like insurance.

My ex won’t let me know anything about her finances so have no idea what money she has after bills. If she insists on maintenance rather than letting me looking after the kids half the time, what can I do? If she wants to keep getting £420/month I’m pretty screwed and it would probably result in me having to sell the house I bought that me and the kids have made a home.

If, after bills we’re left with similar amounts and she won’t let me take more care of the kids (it’s essentially two Sunday nights a month 6pm - school the next morning) would it be reasonable if me to ask not to give her the £420? I’ll still continue to pay for some stuff like her internet, phones and a few subscriptions).

In a bit of a tight spot but don’t want to be a doc about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 18/04/2023 13:51

@ArcticSkewer I've tried standing up to her in every way apart from court believe me. But she won’t budge and it’s just shitty for the kids if we keep arguing about it.

Its taken a year and a half just to get to mediation!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 18/04/2023 13:54

That's because it's not in her interest to do anything. She is currently making full sole use of your joint asset..
It may well be that she's seen a solicitor who has told her to sit tight.
It's illegal (I think) for her not to fill in form E if your solicitor requests it.

ArcticSkewer · 18/04/2023 13:57

Yup.

Why would she push for anything that will leave her less well off?

At least you are now in mediation. Just remember it's not a process where she says and you just agree!

What do you actually want from the financial split btw? 50:50, 60:40?

Original poster
Another2022 · 18/04/2023 13:58

Yeh, very true.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice and opinion. I’ll see how mediation goes next week once she disclosed her financial position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 18/04/2023 13:59

I’d like 50:50 but know she won’t go for that. Prob 60/40.

OP posts:
QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 18/04/2023 13:59

@Another2022 the CSA calculator is minus pension contributions- have you filled it in correctly?

spring78 · 18/04/2023 14:40

Another2022 · 18/04/2023 13:23

How did you get that @spring78 ? I put in £41k yearly then filled it in for the 4 kids and got a different, higher amount.

Those are the details I put in with 3 nights for each child

Ponderingwindow · 18/04/2023 14:52

It’s not supposed to be 6pm Sunday to school the next morning. You are supposed to take 6pm Sunday to 6pm Monday. So you would be responsible for buying school uniform for that Monday, paying for lunches, paying any school fees that come up on that day, paying for after school club if needed, and covering any school closures and sick days. In other words, you will have actual expenses from your additional parenting time.

BetterFuture1985 · 18/04/2023 15:59

@Another2022 The root cause of your financial problems are the lack of a financial settlement. Your ex-wife has a mortgage capacity but is living in a mortgage free home whilst you are stretched with a mortgage on a new place in a period of rising interest rates. You need a financial settlement that will include your ex-wife maximising her earnings, in turn maximising her mortgage capacity, buying your share out of the FMH (or paying you as much as possible with a charge on the rest of your share when children turn 18) and thus allowing you to reduce your own mortgage and therefore your housing costs.

It might be enough to point this out to her to get her to shut up about child maintenance of course.

Fluffyhoglets · 18/04/2023 18:17

Another2022 · 18/04/2023 13:39

It’s not between 4-6 nights a week, it averages at 3. Wasn’t meant to judgemental, lots of people do it and she might be caught in a benefits trap.

Just looked again and if 6 out of 14 nights equals 156 nights then its the next banding you need - not 3 nights a week. Add up the number of nights a year you do as if its 3 x 52 = 156.

peeweechigs · 18/04/2023 18:39

Does she work on a school as a TA? Regardless of her job role, if she works 9-3 five days a week she earns too much for free school meals so something isn't right with your calculations. What county are you in?

Original poster
Another2022 · 11/05/2023 10:33

Well this is still going. To the pp that said she doesn’t want anything to change, think you’re on the money there.

I sent her an email about three weeks ago detailing my standing expenses every month and asked her to reply with the same in preparation for mediation today where we would start to discuss money.
I thought that it would be good to get this out in the open beforehand so we could think about it and use the mediation time better. She agreed to send an email back…but none came. This morning she text to say she was rearranging the mediation. Very frustrating. Makes me wonder why she’s being so cagey about it. I really just want to get it all sorted now!

Ive also realised I need an extra £200/month to not have to worry about this so I’m getting a shelf stacker job for the weekends I don’t have kids. Needs must and all that…

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 11/05/2023 10:35

Why are you more concerned about saving money, than your children?

Redlarge · 11/05/2023 13:49

Another2022 · 11/05/2023 10:33

Well this is still going. To the pp that said she doesn’t want anything to change, think you’re on the money there.

I sent her an email about three weeks ago detailing my standing expenses every month and asked her to reply with the same in preparation for mediation today where we would start to discuss money.
I thought that it would be good to get this out in the open beforehand so we could think about it and use the mediation time better. She agreed to send an email back…but none came. This morning she text to say she was rearranging the mediation. Very frustrating. Makes me wonder why she’s being so cagey about it. I really just want to get it all sorted now!

Ive also realised I need an extra £200/month to not have to worry about this so I’m getting a shelf stacker job for the weekends I don’t have kids. Needs must and all that…

Maybe she had to do something with the kids/school/work/medical.

millymollymoomoo · 11/05/2023 15:16

Why assume ops ex does all child related things?? Op has his children 6/14

his ex is basically refusing to engage, refusing to stand on her own feet financially yet somehow it’s the op at fault and who doesn’t care about the children …..

bizarre

op you need to push to get this to fdr if she won’t engage in this after all this time.

ArcticSkewer · 11/05/2023 15:41

I think this may well end up in court. At least you can show you tried to engage. You can represent yourself.

Look again at the child maintenance calculator now you are doing 6/14. Make sure you enter the correct salary - so it's your salary after pension not before. And for the correct number of days going forward. (is that more than 3 but less than 50:50, or 2-3?)

Otherwise I can't think what else you can do. Push for 50:50 if it's in your children's best interests (rather than financial) as a priority

Quitelikeit · 11/05/2023 15:51

Op

You really need to wake up and sharpish!!!

This woman is taking you to the cleaners.

Stop paying maintenance

Your wife is bringing in an absolute fortune in benefits by working part time and claiming for four children

If you look on the turn t us website there is a calculator

I bet she is taking in at least 2.5k a month from her salary, child benefit and universal credit alone then she has your child maintenance

Original poster
Another2022 · 11/05/2023 15:55

It may end up in court, however she hasn’t even said what she wants to do about finances so can’t even be sure it needs to! But yeh, really just want to get divorced now and that’s one way to force it (I’d rather not go down this route as doing this amicably would be better for our co-parenting relationship in the future). I just can’t think why she would want to hold things up either and is so secretive about her income/outgoings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Another2022 · 11/05/2023 15:56

@Quitelikeit that would explain her inaction!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 11/05/2023 16:02

Of course

stop paying for extras too. She has more than enough money to cover extras

You don’t seem the type to be able to stand up to her. I imagine she’ll offer you a small compromise and you will take it?!

Please please stand up for yourself!!!!

you lived with this woman so you know what she is capable of I bet she wants that home for keeps and has no intention of ever giving you any equity from it!

Original poster
Another2022 · 11/05/2023 16:09

@Quitelikeit yes you’re right, during our time together I was pushed around mentally and emotionally and especially financially. But, 18 months out and she can’t anymore. She still tries and then rages when I don’t do what she wants.
Maybe I’ve been a bit too relaxed but me and the kids are happy, there’s just about enough to go round and I’ve got a good life.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 11/05/2023 16:21

I admire your attitude op and if you were any more laid back you’d be on the floor 🤣

You at least know she is taking advantage of you and in my opinion she is relying on your kind nature to allow her to continue living as she pleases

Even though she knows your outgoings and how pushed for money you are she has not budged - if one good thing has come out of this at least you are free from her!

Try not to give into her other demands etc you don’t have to and she shouldn’t be controlling you any more

Original poster
Another2022 · 12/05/2023 08:19

And the prize goes to @Quitelikeit - she wants the whole house. She told me last night, to which I questioned the point of mediation! She then asked me if I thought that was reasonable??

How on earth she can see that as being reasonable I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Reugny · 12/05/2023 08:29

Ponderingwindow · 18/04/2023 14:52

It’s not supposed to be 6pm Sunday to school the next morning. You are supposed to take 6pm Sunday to 6pm Monday. So you would be responsible for buying school uniform for that Monday, paying for lunches, paying any school fees that come up on that day, paying for after school club if needed, and covering any school closures and sick days. In other words, you will have actual expenses from your additional parenting time.

That's not true.

It depends on what the parents agree.

Reugny · 12/05/2023 08:32

Another2022 · 12/05/2023 08:19

And the prize goes to @Quitelikeit - she wants the whole house. She told me last night, to which I questioned the point of mediation! She then asked me if I thought that was reasonable??

How on earth she can see that as being reasonable I’m not sure.

You will have to go to Court but see if your mediation gets anywhere first. Ideally as she pushes you about you should have gone for shuttle mediation.

Talk to your parents and see if they can lend/give you money for a direct access barrister. Some barristers also do financial mediation.