They're making it hard for me to leave

[SettleDoon]

Hi all,

I want to keep this brief without drip feeding.

I am (or was, I am not sure yet) a Christian. I have been married for 13 years but with my DH for 16. I was 15 when we began our relationship. We also have a 15 year old DS.

Early last year, I started a weight loss journey and have lost a significant amount of weight. My confidence has grown significantly and I feel empowered and motivated to do things with my life. I have spent the past 15 years (since I was 17) as a SAHM with severe depression and no friends. DH and I have always had a rocky relationship but I have followed him as he has achieved his dreams and I believe I have supported him well.

We joined an evangelical church in 2017 as new Christian converts.

I have never felt truly loved or supported by DH and have always felt last in any decisions he's made. I am not sure I've ever truly felt loved by anyone (romantically).

Sadly, this led to a poor decision towards the end of last year. I developed a relationship with someone else in my church. We are both married. We kissed on two occasions and was in an emotional affair otherwise. I believe I did this to escape my marriage. If you attend church, you will know that they make it very difficult for you to just walk away.

This affair lasted two months and then was discovered by the church and we were confronted. It has been very messy since then.

I told DH that I wanted out of the marriage, apologised a lot for my behaviour and explained that I was desperate to leave before this, explained why, and told him that I was behaving recklessly as an exit strategy.

DH said he forgave me and wanted to work on the marriage. The church told me I am under no circumstances able to leave the marriage and if I did, I would be subject to church discipline. This means excommunication and humiliation in front of the church.

DH moved out last week due to getting drunk and becoming aggressive. He started smashing up the home, swearing and telling me he hopes I die, told me he hates me, called me a whore and even called our son (to his face) an "f-ing idiot."

My son was incredibly distressed and was trying to defend me by standing between myself and his Dad. Poor kid. In the end, I contacted the police and they removed him from the home.

I notified the church that I was leaving. I told my husband that I seek to divorce him.

I have started the process of getting finances in order. Thankfully, the home is rented and in my name only.

My son doesn't want us to get back together. He said the living environment has been toxic and I am so much happier and healthier when his Dad isn't here. I agree.

The problem is, I am now being bombarded with messages from DH and the church leaders. They tell me I cannot walk away, that if I leave my marriage, I am leaving God and will no longer be a Christian. They're constantly asking for meetings and to work together to get this all sorted. I don't want to. DH is telling me he is frightened for my soul and to return to him. They're making me fearful and doubt my decision, but only because of the constant scare tactics! I know I want to leave the marriage and remain out of the church now.

Sorry, this wasn't brief at all. Please help. I understand I have done wrong and deserve criticism, but I am desperate to leave my marriage and feel almost trapped.

Thanks

Wow this is difficult for you.

I follow no faith so I cannot fully understand your situation other than the pressure put on you. Separation and divorce between two people is hard enough without other people having their influence. Are you able to talk with anyone outside of the church so as to give you a different perspective. Regardless of other the faith, I am a believer in being true to yourself. Humanity....

Good luck and believe in yourself and getting away from the situation is not great for anyone but you need to be happy and have fulfillment, as does your son.

You (anyone) can end a relationship for any reason. The EA wasn't your finest move but it happened and gave you the insight to end your unhappy marriage.

The 'church' have absolutely no power to make you stay in the marriage or the congregation. I'm curious if the OM is being treated as badly?

Carry on with your plans, which might include finding a job. If organised religion is important to you seek out a gentler more supportive church.

Block church members on your phone and emails. Good luck you can do this

Block all the means of communication. If necessary, take legal advice about the church...maybe a restraining order?

This is not what Jesus would have wanted! Ut sounds like a cult!

Believe in youself and your decision making.

Lots of love to you, you have been through hell.

If you can put yourself in your pre-2016 head you may be able to see that what the church and your h are spouting is essentially shit. Your spuld is not doomed, in fact, it's free!

Stand your ground, advocate for your son and seek legal advice.

There may be such a thing as a cease and desist your solicitor can issue the church.

They are not Christian, they are simply bullies. You know what Christianity values are and the values and behaviours of the church do not align.

Everyone has a story and yours has not been written yet, just think, in a years time you could be living your best life and your h will be a distant nightmare.

Well done for recognising him for what he is, you have made the hardest move and believe in yourself. You know in your heart there is no such thing as hell.

Obviously spuld is soul!?

Block any communication from the church, they have no power over you and if you want to be a Christian you can do so on your own or within a more progressive church.

Their behaviour is disgusting, and there is nothing christian about them.
It is in the interests of that church and of your husband that you stay with him, that you remain subservient. They clearly do not care about you at all, and are being hypocritical liars when they say they are concerned about your soul. I don't know when I've ever heard such utter bollocks!
You are absolutely right to end the marriage and leave the church. Can I suggest that you block all their numbers, including H, and tell them if you hear from them again you'll be reporting them for harassament.
If H wants to contact you he can do it through solicitors. If he wants to contact his son, he needs to sort that out with your son, you do not need to be involved in contact arrangements for a 15 year old.
From a religious point of view, leaving your marriage does not mean that you are no longer a christian, many churches do accept divorce. But quite honestly, I would not want to be part of any organisation which expected women to stay with abusive men, or which employed such nasty bully-boy tactics.
Stay strong, you've made the first difficult few steps, it will get easier. You know you are right.

Ignore the church. Get a divorce lawyer.

They don’t get to decide if you are Christian or not. You need to block all communication with them and report them for harassment

What country are you in?

I have friends who are deep in the church (one of my friends husbands is a vicar priest reverend - forget which) and what I've learnt is that some of the variants of christian Church can be really inappropriate in their treatment of people.

I went along to an evangelical church for a little while when I was escaping abuse and had a baby, and they all gave me the cold shoulder on the estate after I stopped going (I was freaked out by their behaviour during the services, it wasn't for me).

No real christian person or christian church will treat you this way. It's literally unchristian.

Get a cease and desist, stay away from the church, and focus on extracting yourself from this situation. I would also suggest popping into a C of E/W service for the time being, if you need to feel close to God. Works for me sometimes.

You're not alone and God isn't abandoning you for this.

For goodness sakes forget the church and put your child/ren first

This is insane, I work at a church (church of England) and there’s no way the vicar at our church or anyone else would subject you to that abuse, they would want to help and support you. They don’t sound like Christians at all, just bullies and who are they to judge you anyway? No one has to stay in a marriage they are very uphappy with. Don’t let them talk you into going back.

Just block the church members and make it clear to DH that you will not have your faith be used to coerce you into staying in an unhappy relationship.

Look up high-demand relationships and cult-like manipulatation so you're aware of the tactics. You will not win if you try to argue with their theology, you can only leave and cut off communication with the church.

Good luck OP.

This is NOT a normal way for a church to behave. Block your ex. Block the church leaders and threaten to contact the police about their harassment of you.

They are being the very opposite of Christian 🙄🙄

Your marriage is none of their business.

Leave the church and find a more normal one.

How dare the Church behave like that. I'd report them to the police for harassment. You're a victim, your partner was abusive and they are coercing you.

Save your soul and your poor son and get away from all them.

I'm a Christian too and about to leave my husband. God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. End of.
Block the church members so they can't contact you. Find a new church. What kind is it?

Thank you all so much! Your responses have made me cry because I was almost expecting you all to say the same thing the church and DH are saying.

I live very close to the church, so will see many of them around. I need to start thinking about moving closer to my parents / friends.

This past year, I have grown so much as a person. Because I knew I needed to leave, I got a job in January! I have also started taking care of myself and putting myself first for a change. DS will always ultimately come first though.

DH is refusing to accept that the marriage is over. He keeps saying, "once emotions have settled, you will make the right decision because you are a christian and christians can't leave a marriage."
He also refuses to give me his house keys and won't move all of his things out. He's convinced I will return, despite very clearly telling him (multiple times) that I won't.

The church community view me as the enemy because of the affair, but if only they knew how he treated us before this! For example, DH is currently training to be a Pastor / Vicar. Last year, I had a major operation. When I was two weeks post op, I got covid! I was still very weak from the op, then covid made things even worse. I couldn't even stand for longer than a few seconds without help. Despite this, he left myself and my son for the weekend after I begged him not to leave. He had a preaching engagement a few hours away.

On another occasion, my son went away for 5 days with a friend. I asked DH if he wanted to visit another city for the day, just to enjoy some very rare quality time. He reluctantly agreed then complained all the way round telling me, "this is not how I wanted to spend my days off." Ouch!

He was away for 3 days in the week, then filled every single evening up with other things the evenings he was home. We literally never saw him. Ministry came first.

I just couldn't do it anymore.

I agree with PPs. The church is a cult. You have every right to separate and divorce your husband without any interference from anyone else.

Consider contacting a charity that advises cult victims. I had a quick google and there seems to be several. For example:

cultinformation.org.uk/

Good luck! You are in a very difficult situation. If there is a friend you can confide in, consider that. You could also speak to your GP for advice. They would know about any local services that could help you.

This is an evangelical church. Their way, or any organised church’s way of defining how you should live your life is just that particular flavour
id be very cautious of any church that tries to prevent seperations in example like yours where there is some fairly toxic behaviours going on , on both sides I might add.

but there are some basic premises of Christianity to remeber when they start saying shit like you aren’t a Christian

1. any number of verses in the bible show Jesus to be pretty tolerate of all people no matter what there sins. It’s kind of what Christianity is about.
2. jesus also did a lot of chats about us all being sinners or not being able to stick to rules. He did day essentially that trying to follow 10 commandments was pretty likely doomed and you should instead try to follow his golden rule of “ love one another asi have loved you”
3. jesus didn’t much have time for people pointing out sins of others ( stones and planks in eyes
4. hesaid a lot of stuff about free will - that were responsible for our relationship with god and only we are responsible for choices we make and their consequences

I could go on…but have you actually read the New Testament from cover to cover ( ok leave out the trippy revelations) to understand for yourself hat Christianity is actually about

be extremely wary of any church laying down laws of what you can or can’t do or telling you what to do. A good church will help you explore all your options, but lovingly accept you and your decisions whatever they are.

almost always controlling churches are about money and or power. And very little to do with Christianity

I would say I’m over 60, tried lots of types of churches in my years, and have come to conclusions some years ago that any church is flawed in some way or other and is more about religion than Christ. I practice the faith I have in the way I want which, as an introvert, is mostly on my own.

Do not believe the shit that you need to go to church at all to be a Christian, remember Christ preached pretty much wherever and whenever he got an urge and to whoever would listen- it was always free choice.

Think about your version of God. Mine is kind, forgiving, they want the best for me and my family. Is your similar?

Think also of the beliefs and values that brought you to Christianity in the first place. I suspect they will be things like love, charity, forgiveness, kindness, generosity. They won’t be guilt, dependence, obedience.

God loves you. And will continue to love you as you make the right choices for you and your child. Leave your husband. Get a lawyer. Block communication from this church. You can find another - kinder - one if and when you are ready to.

I hope things get better for you soon 🙏

This is not what genuine Christianity is about, not the sort I know, anyway. Try a different church (I suggest either Anglican or Methodist) and you will find people full of love, compassion and forgiveness.

No kind person would want you to stay in an abusive relationship or remain in a church where you are both bullied and shunned.

Leave both, and start a new life.

What do you think your STBXH and the church will do when you continue to say no OP? Your husband has already turned violent and had to be removed from your shared home by the Police. Do you think you’re at risk of people physically prevented from leaving/ physically forced to participate in whatever stupid shaming ritual the church has invented for women who dare to leave their husbands? Legally and morally they are all just so far out of order that I think some advice from an organization like Women’s Aid would be a good idea. You might need to leave quietly. Your son is old enough to chose to come with you without it causing any issues with the family court.

I am not religious, so I cannot really give any advice applicable to your situation.

Although not religious, I would say I am spiritual, and I have my own beliefs.

However, I think if there is such a thing as 'God,' there can only be one, yet there are so many different faiths, all with their own interpretation of who and what god is. They can't all be right.

Furthermore, I disagree with using 'God' to threaten people to conform to someone else's ideology of right or wrong. Religion should be something that brings your comfort, not make you live in fear.

Finally, if there is a God, I am sure he would want you and your child to be happy.

When you’ve found a new safe home, you can look into sane churches who don’t expect their congregation to put up with domestic abuse. Or not. You can practice christianity without a church. Or you can live your life without religion. All three options are vastly superior to staying connected to church that’s decided you need to be published and humiliated.

So much for Christian values from the church!! Outrageous behaviour from them