They're making it hard for me to leave

[SettleDoon]

Hi all,

I want to keep this brief without drip feeding.

I am (or was, I am not sure yet) a Christian. I have been married for 13 years but with my DH for 16. I was 15 when we began our relationship. We also have a 15 year old DS.

Early last year, I started a weight loss journey and have lost a significant amount of weight. My confidence has grown significantly and I feel empowered and motivated to do things with my life. I have spent the past 15 years (since I was 17) as a SAHM with severe depression and no friends. DH and I have always had a rocky relationship but I have followed him as he has achieved his dreams and I believe I have supported him well.

We joined an evangelical church in 2017 as new Christian converts.

I have never felt truly loved or supported by DH and have always felt last in any decisions he's made. I am not sure I've ever truly felt loved by anyone (romantically).

Sadly, this led to a poor decision towards the end of last year. I developed a relationship with someone else in my church. We are both married. We kissed on two occasions and was in an emotional affair otherwise. I believe I did this to escape my marriage. If you attend church, you will know that they make it very difficult for you to just walk away.

This affair lasted two months and then was discovered by the church and we were confronted. It has been very messy since then.

I told DH that I wanted out of the marriage, apologised a lot for my behaviour and explained that I was desperate to leave before this, explained why, and told him that I was behaving recklessly as an exit strategy.

DH said he forgave me and wanted to work on the marriage. The church told me I am under no circumstances able to leave the marriage and if I did, I would be subject to church discipline. This means excommunication and humiliation in front of the church.

DH moved out last week due to getting drunk and becoming aggressive. He started smashing up the home, swearing and telling me he hopes I die, told me he hates me, called me a whore and even called our son (to his face) an "f-ing idiot."

My son was incredibly distressed and was trying to defend me by standing between myself and his Dad. Poor kid. In the end, I contacted the police and they removed him from the home.

I notified the church that I was leaving. I told my husband that I seek to divorce him.

I have started the process of getting finances in order. Thankfully, the home is rented and in my name only.

My son doesn't want us to get back together. He said the living environment has been toxic and I am so much happier and healthier when his Dad isn't here. I agree.

The problem is, I am now being bombarded with messages from DH and the church leaders. They tell me I cannot walk away, that if I leave my marriage, I am leaving God and will no longer be a Christian. They're constantly asking for meetings and to work together to get this all sorted. I don't want to. DH is telling me he is frightened for my soul and to return to him. They're making me fearful and doubt my decision, but only because of the constant scare tactics! I know I want to leave the marriage and remain out of the church now.

Sorry, this wasn't brief at all. Please help. I understand I have done wrong and deserve criticism, but I am desperate to leave my marriage and feel almost trapped.

Thanks

@SettleDoon my heart breaks for you and admires you for your strength so far. Many women struggle to find the strength to leave one abusive partner, but you have so many people abusing and manipulating you.

I'm not a religious person, I'm not a Christian, but from what little I know, God preaches love. Your husband has not treated you with love, the church in trying to force you to stay with him is not treating you with love. Being told you need to let your husband use your body against your will is rape not love. Your God will love you for making the decision to love your children and remove them from this toxicity.

Run, do not meet with any of them. They will only abuse you further. Go to be near your family and, should you still have faith, find a better church ❤.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and the church is treating you this way, it not Godly or biblical. God loves you and will never abandon you. There is an excellent Christian domestic abuse charity that provides great support called Restored www.restored-uk.org/ They are worth looking into.

If your husband refuses to return the keys and the tenancy is in your name then you just change the locks. Keep the barrels and when you move out just put them back in.
As for the "church" , just stop communicating with them. These people do not own you and can't discipline you in any way. Why do you care If they stop speaking to you? These people aren't god and certainly aren't acting on a Christian like manner.

Leave the church. Leave your husband. Even the catholic church wouldn't behave like that. You are being abused by both. Find the strength to live the life you deserve.

If they keep contacting you let them know you will report them to the police, then do it. Print out all the emails as evidence. Now you have left the church they have no reason to contact you.

Congratulations @SettleDoon on your weight loss - what a great achievement! And congratulations again in recognising that your marriage is over and again in dealing with abusive way your "church" and "pastor" are treating you.

Thank goodness your home is rented and in your name - and I agree with the poster who said change the barrels of the locks to your current home if your husband won't return his keys. In fact I'd change them anyway because, who knows, he may just make copies of the ones he has.

I am sure you and your son will be much happier living elsewhere and without your husband. Thank goodness for your new job.

Do you have access to joint bank accounts? If so I strongly recommend moving half of the funds into a new bank account in your name only, to which he has no access as it's possible your husband may well drain those accounts as a way of controlling you financially.

Don't forget to ensure you have copies/evidence of all his assets/finances/pension as you'll need that information for the divorce financial settlement during talks with your solicitor. And also to set up a mail redirection as soon as you have an address for your mail to go to.

I have great faith you will do very well in the future, as will your son, as he'll have you in his corner. 🌹

I truly can't thank you all enough. The support I have received has helped to strengthen me tremendously!

I have my keys back. He went through a moment on Saturday where he was emailing and begging me to give the marriage another try and told me I would lose my soul if I don't. I told him the marriage is over and asked him for my keys. He told me he won't accept it because I am 'his' and I shouldn't be making big decisions right now because emotions are too high. I reiterated again, that the marriage is over and asked for the keys. He told me he won't lose hope and agreed to give my son his keys the next day. Thankfully, he did.

I won't be responding to the Pastor. I have decided to ignore his email and have nothing more to do with them.

Just to confirm, my age is 32. 🙂

Thank you all again.

@SettleDoon

Well done you, its a very brave thing to do to stand up to them. There are going to be tough moments to come but you will build a new, happier life

Well done. You are being amazingly strong. Be proud of yourself.

Well done. You have been very brave in taking your situation forward. Continue to use positive influence and support. It's going to be hard, separation is with that just alone.

Good luck for the future.

OP, I'm a leader in a church and this doesn't sound normal at all. It sounds very cult-like. If a couple had an EA in our church we'd obviously want to talk it through and encourage them to end it but absolutely no one should ever coerce or suggest you go back to an unhappy and abusive marriage. To say you'd no longer be a Christian, is completely nuts!

I would be very, very wary of these people. It sounds as though you need to break ties with this group and find a new supportive church home

@SettleDoon I've been following your thread and you've done so well to break free of these people! They aren't healthy, they don't respect your boundaries or your integrity, they are deeply controlling and it must have been so hard.

Now is your time for recovery - learn to love yourself, find a church where you feel welcome and valued for who you are, not as a 'wifey' to someone else. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you with someone who is right for you and a faith community that supports you (I'm a complete atheist, but you deserve to have this in your life because that is where your heart is).

@SettleDoon

Wonderful, go YOU! You've taken a huge step forward. Now just keep moving.

His using the phrase "You are mine" could be a bit concerning. Just keep your eyes open and don't be afraid to involve the police if he becomes 'stalker-ish' or intrusive.

OP, i went through similar judgement and gaslighting from the evangelical church upon deciding to divorce my abusive husband (after years of trying to fix it), and it opened my eyes to so much of the toxicity of church culture - stuff that is particularly pedalled in evangelicalism around marriage and purity culture and an inability to look at divorce as anything else other than a "sin". I grew up in this environment and the whole thing has sent me on a journey of deconstructing my faith and all the things I previously took for granted as what I HAD to believe. Suffice to say I walked away from the evangelical church and I've never felt more free!

My encouragement to you is this: The Jesus/God i know is proud of you And applauds you for leaving your marriage. We were never called to accept any kind of behaviour when we married these men. Well done for your courage and strength in choosing to divorce.

Divorce is there as an option for a REASON.

Your "soul" or faith is nobody's business to comment on, it is between you and God, and certainly your marital status or leaving a marriage has no baring on that either!!

I am happy to talk more if you want to - i am 33, two kids and my divorce is over and final now. The freedom is immense.

@SettleDoon
I'm glad you have stood up for yourself and your son. It's really tough, but keep on going. One step at a time.

I know you have your keys back from your Ex, but PLEASE also change the locks for anything he had keys to. He could easily have made copies in the time you were begging for them back. No one needs the horror of their Ex waltzing into their safe space. With his words of "You are mine", he is highly dangerous.

Good luck for you future!

@SettleDoon Well done, you have done the right thing.

I'd leave religion be for a while, you can talk to God whenever and wherever you like, and when in time you are ready, find a church of a different denomination.

Controlling cults/ churches like that attract coercive controlling men who want to use the Bible as a weapon. Head up, look forward to a new life with your DS. There is no way you want your DS to grow up believing women are owned.

Just a quick update.

I am still going strong. I have blocked and deleted almost all church folks from all social media.

STBXH has started playing weird games. He has joined Tinder and purposefully put his phone in my DS's line of sight so that he could see what he was doing. I think he hoped my DS would report this back to me, which he did. I had to explain to DS that he doesn't have to report his Dad's activities to me. I simply don't want to know because we are no longer together and what either of us do in our private time, is out business. Is it strange that I don't about him dating? I feel like, the sooner he dates, the sooner he might leave me alone.

What's interesting though, is that he messaged me on Saturday saying he wants the marriage to work and doesn't want me to be church disciplined. Still, I don't care about that nonsense anymore. However, if the church knew that STBXH was on dating apps, he would be church disciplined too.

He kept telling DS yesterday that he has "game" with women, which is concerning. DS came home very grumpy and it's clear to me that this behaviour from his Dad is something he's struggling with. He said he doesn't understand why his DF is speaking like this to him. I am really not sure what is best to do in scenarios like this. Perhaps nothing, other than comfort DS.

All you can do is point out that you are now separated and that his dad is allowed to date if he wants to, but that you will always be there to listen to him if he is unhappy.