They're making it hard for me to leave

[SettleDoon]

Hi all,

I want to keep this brief without drip feeding.

I am (or was, I am not sure yet) a Christian. I have been married for 13 years but with my DH for 16. I was 15 when we began our relationship. We also have a 15 year old DS.

Early last year, I started a weight loss journey and have lost a significant amount of weight. My confidence has grown significantly and I feel empowered and motivated to do things with my life. I have spent the past 15 years (since I was 17) as a SAHM with severe depression and no friends. DH and I have always had a rocky relationship but I have followed him as he has achieved his dreams and I believe I have supported him well.

We joined an evangelical church in 2017 as new Christian converts.

I have never felt truly loved or supported by DH and have always felt last in any decisions he's made. I am not sure I've ever truly felt loved by anyone (romantically).

Sadly, this led to a poor decision towards the end of last year. I developed a relationship with someone else in my church. We are both married. We kissed on two occasions and was in an emotional affair otherwise. I believe I did this to escape my marriage. If you attend church, you will know that they make it very difficult for you to just walk away.

This affair lasted two months and then was discovered by the church and we were confronted. It has been very messy since then.

I told DH that I wanted out of the marriage, apologised a lot for my behaviour and explained that I was desperate to leave before this, explained why, and told him that I was behaving recklessly as an exit strategy.

DH said he forgave me and wanted to work on the marriage. The church told me I am under no circumstances able to leave the marriage and if I did, I would be subject to church discipline. This means excommunication and humiliation in front of the church.

DH moved out last week due to getting drunk and becoming aggressive. He started smashing up the home, swearing and telling me he hopes I die, told me he hates me, called me a whore and even called our son (to his face) an "f-ing idiot."

My son was incredibly distressed and was trying to defend me by standing between myself and his Dad. Poor kid. In the end, I contacted the police and they removed him from the home.

I notified the church that I was leaving. I told my husband that I seek to divorce him.

I have started the process of getting finances in order. Thankfully, the home is rented and in my name only.

My son doesn't want us to get back together. He said the living environment has been toxic and I am so much happier and healthier when his Dad isn't here. I agree.

The problem is, I am now being bombarded with messages from DH and the church leaders. They tell me I cannot walk away, that if I leave my marriage, I am leaving God and will no longer be a Christian. They're constantly asking for meetings and to work together to get this all sorted. I don't want to. DH is telling me he is frightened for my soul and to return to him. They're making me fearful and doubt my decision, but only because of the constant scare tactics! I know I want to leave the marriage and remain out of the church now.

Sorry, this wasn't brief at all. Please help. I understand I have done wrong and deserve criticism, but I am desperate to leave my marriage and feel almost trapped.

Thanks

Oh bless you. You are being so brave and strong - standing up to an abusive husband and an abusive “Church” who sound more like a dangerous cult to me. Continue standing up for yourself and your son. Change the locks on your front door. Send one email to the Church telling them that you want no further contact from them and if they make contact with you again then it will be considered harassment and you will be going to the police. Go speak to a lawyer about how to divorce your husband and where you stand in regards to your home and finances. Lastly - if you have a faith in God then you can absolutely practice that privately without a Church, or go visit other Churches to find a much kinder one. Hopefully you will also meet some lovely new people who can be a new support network for you.

Your church seems stuck in the 1800s. Tell them not to contact you again and if they do, it will be considered harassment and a police matter. And mean it. What wankers.

Tell your landlords that your husband has been removed for domestic violence reasons and is refusing to return his keys. As them to change all the locks. Also enquire about being moved, better to start the process now in case it takes a while.

Contact the church leaders, in writing by email or letter, and tell them you have left and want no further contact. Let them know that any further contact will be reported to the police. The laws about harassment are there to protect you.

Discuss the way forward with your divorce with your solicitor and start everything moving. Your son sounds wonderful and I think that it will reassure him so much to see you making progress with the divorce.

Good luck OP. Your future is looking bright!

Yes! Agree with this. They should be shut down.

Have you read Mere Christianity by CS Lewis? It’s one of my favourite books and talks about how being a Christian has nothing to do with how you label yourself and everything to do with how you act. An atheist can be closer to God than a pastor who seeks to manipulate his flock with threats of excommunication as a means of controlling behaviour. Your husband and church are not what CS Lewis would describe as Christians. Please find a new church and change the locks. Good luck on your new, freer life.

@SettleDoon

You're a Christian. So am I. I'm also divorced (and remarried).

Churches are man-made institutions and the 'rules' are set by man. Churches are not infallible and as you know different churches have different 'rules'. Who's to say which is right and which is wrong?

As a Christian, you know that your relationship with God, and with Jesus Christ, is personal and that you can seek guidance directly through prayer. You don't have to rely on what a Pastor, your husband, or anyone else tells you because He will tell you. The church I grew up in thought that divorce was a sin, too, but I knew that divorcing my exH was the right thing to do and that God didn't condemn me for it.

No one should remain in a miserable marriage. God doesn't want that, he wants us to live happy and fulfilled lives. You need to block communications from that church, get your ducks in a row and get out.

You are all wonderful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such lovely, kind responses.

Some of the biggest red flags for me was the weekly meetings from my Pastor who claimed to be working with us to restore my marriage. A marriage I had consistently expressed I wanted to leave. This wasn't even an option in his mind and a severe sin that would not be forgiven because I would be actively pursuing disobedience and not turning from my sin.

There were two things I was pushed and pushed on. The first thing was my appearance. Since my weight loss, I have been told I am very attractive now (uh, thanks I guess) by others. This was apparently causing men to stumble and what caused the married man to stumble. My Pastor said it was because of the clothes I wore and because I was too self-obsessed with myself on social media. I only posted pictures of my weight loss journey (i've lost over 11 stone and feel so proud of that). However, they said I should be using my account to glorify God - not self.
I was told my dresses should go past my knee, despite always wearing dark tights with every dress. My dresses would always be just above my knee. This hurt, particularly because I am finally enjoying wearing some clothes that I choose. I no longer have to wear clothing only from plus size shops (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Secondly, I was question on why I wasn't giving DH sex. I was told I should not be withholding my body from him and the biggest way for our marriage to be restored is if we were having sex. Every week, he would come in and ask, "how is that going, are you having sex?"
This made me deeply uncomfortable, which I explained to him. He said it was a commandment from Paul in the Bible. I couldn't have sex with my husband because I wanted to run away from him, desperately.

They almost believe in women submitting to their husbands, but that's a whole other story! He pushed that a lot too.

I am beginning to realise I was in a very unhealthy institution and it helps to continue in the fight to break free from DH and the church completely.

You are all helping me in this too, thank you again!

* They also believe in women submitting to their husbands.

First priority is making a good life for yourself and ds. Well done you for realising that the marriage wasn’t the way to do that

once you have done that (it won’t be easy and there’ll be times when you wonder whether it’s worth it, but you have the strength to do this x) consider how you want your faith to develop. There are many different flavours of Christianity which may be better aligned to you beliefs, or consider alternative faiths. I prefer Zen Buddhism which is more spiritual less dictatorial but that’s my view only. Spend some
time looking at alternatives to see which works for you.

you have made massive strides forward. If you’ve been in the relationship since 15 you have ‘grown up’ in this environment. It’s incredibly hard to break that conditioning so take time to appreciate what you’ve accomplished. You will do well xx

You need to leave this church. Are you going to?

Divorce him, stay free and if religion is important to you, join another church. Don't be bullied by them.

Imo its scare tactics. Look at how many people divorce in the world. Are they saying that every one of them has a condeemed soul (myself included)?
Understandably when someone is saying these things to you it's going to cause high anxiety but if you can, look at it from a broader perspective. If your are staying in an unhappy relationship aren't you practically condemning yourself (and your son from what he's voiced) anyway.

Be free. They need you, but you don't need them. Churches like these prey on people and saddle them with guilt until it's all they know.

There's a whole world waiting for you.

Yes, I have. I emailed the Pastor yesterday and told him I am leaving.

He responded by pleading with me to meet with him in person to talk about it.

Right. So you've left. Don't go to any meeting

Don’t meet with the Pastor.
This church is a misogynistic cult that demand women behave in such a way to meet the needs of the men. ( dressing conservatively, having unwanted sex).
Jesus was not one to judge and had many different people in his social circle.
Block the husband and the church and live your best life.

You are in charge of you're own well being.

Do not do anything that makes you or your son unhappy.. Do not go to a meeting with them. For what? You owe them nothing.

Clean break. No, I will not meet you. End of. Block.

Hand in your 2 month notice on the flat and move closer to family and friends.

Before you do anything ask if it brings you joy or will help your situation. If not, don't do it. You've done so much already, you can keep going!

Hi there. I’m a Christian whose divorce became final last month. I attend a free church. When I’ve told anyone from church about my divorce, I’ve had nothing but support. I’ve said at times I feel like I’ve failed..I took my vows very seriously and never imagined I’d get divorced. But! I married someone who wasn’t what he claimed to be. He was emotionally abusive, controlling. The man I fell in love with doesn’t exist!
I think anyone thinks very carefully about ending a marriage. It’s especially difficult when you’re a Christian..but it sounds like you are in a very literal church (cult?!) who take the Bible word for woes and would rather see you stay in an abusive relationship (cos that’s what it is!) than ‘break the ruies’). Honestly, find a nice, supportive church locally. Stop talking to people from that church. Get yourself out and long term, look to move nearer your family. Leaving my XH was the best thing I could have done for myself and our daughter. You can do this. You don’t need his permission or the church’s! Good luck.

That’s great OP.
YOU NEVER HAVE TO SET FOOT IN THAT CHURCH EVER AGAIN. Treat them like a misogynistic tinder date and BLOCK them on all avenues of communication.
They have no legal or moral authority to punish you for your life decisions and they don’t have your best interests at heart so you shouldn’t give them any more chances to try to influence you. They can’t punish and humiliate you unless you agree to keep interacting with them. So don’t.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t a good Christian, it means you are dumping this church. You can find a sane church who will treat you respectfully once you’re away from your STBXH and safe and relaxed.
Or not. And that would be fine too.

I know you are using the terms church and pastor and vicar but are you talking about Jehovah's witnesses?q

There are Christian church communities that will not pressure you to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Even if they don’t all encourage divorce itself, a good pastor and a good church will not want a wife to stay somewhere she is unhappy or a child to be in a house that is toxic. Get yourself out of this situation. You can find a better community.

I say this as a strident atheist. There is a better church out there for you.

i am curious, how old is your husband?

I am a Christian and have been involved in Evangelical churches for most of my life. This one does not sound good. It sounds like very heavy and inappropriate eldership. It sounds like it is lacking in safeguarding. No male leader should be asking you ANY questions about your sex life.
They cannot force you to meet or to attend further meetings so cannot publicly humiliate you. Just refuse to see them again and continue with legal advice re divorce.
If the church has a heirarchy outside of the specific church you attend, I would contact them with the details of the abuse you have suffered over the years,as someone training for the ministry should not be getting drunk and abusive towards their wife.
What denomination is this?

"No need to meet, Pastor. I have gone over your head and spoken directly to God and he's given me the OK".

OK, that's snarky, don't do that. Seriously, I'd advise that you simply do NOT respond to Pastor at all. It will only result in circular conversations with you reiterating your decision whilst he tries to guilt and browbeat you into changing your mind. It's a no win situation. In fact, block him and do not answer the door if he comes calling. Actually, block every member of the congregation unless they agree with you. Liberate yourself.

If you are even remotely tempted to speak to him, don't. Remember that this pastor is condoning your husband's abuse of you and wants it to continue. That is despicable.

God did not put women on this earth to be abused by men.

As many have said you are not being protected by an organisation that you should be able to trust and this is not happening. You are being manipulated and manoeuvred to consider whether you are wrong, you DEFINITELY are not.

Whether religious or not, nobody should inflict their beliefs so heavily that you are feeling compelled to secure sanctuary with a partner you no longer feel good with. As for the pleasing of your husbands "needs" this attitude is truly revolting. No man or woman should feel compelled to engage if they do not feel comfortable.