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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

They're making it hard for me to leave

94 replies

SettleDoon · 12/03/2023 09:28

Hi all,

I want to keep this brief without drip feeding.

I am (or was, I am not sure yet) a Christian. I have been married for 13 years but with my DH for 16. I was 15 when we began our relationship. We also have a 15 year old DS.

Early last year, I started a weight loss journey and have lost a significant amount of weight. My confidence has grown significantly and I feel empowered and motivated to do things with my life. I have spent the past 15 years (since I was 17) as a SAHM with severe depression and no friends. DH and I have always had a rocky relationship but I have followed him as he has achieved his dreams and I believe I have supported him well.

We joined an evangelical church in 2017 as new Christian converts.

I have never felt truly loved or supported by DH and have always felt last in any decisions he's made. I am not sure I've ever truly felt loved by anyone (romantically).

Sadly, this led to a poor decision towards the end of last year. I developed a relationship with someone else in my church. We are both married. We kissed on two occasions and was in an emotional affair otherwise. I believe I did this to escape my marriage. If you attend church, you will know that they make it very difficult for you to just walk away.

This affair lasted two months and then was discovered by the church and we were confronted. It has been very messy since then.

I told DH that I wanted out of the marriage, apologised a lot for my behaviour and explained that I was desperate to leave before this, explained why, and told him that I was behaving recklessly as an exit strategy.

DH said he forgave me and wanted to work on the marriage. The church told me I am under no circumstances able to leave the marriage and if I did, I would be subject to church discipline. This means excommunication and humiliation in front of the church.

DH moved out last week due to getting drunk and becoming aggressive. He started smashing up the home, swearing and telling me he hopes I die, told me he hates me, called me a whore and even called our son (to his face) an "f-ing idiot."

My son was incredibly distressed and was trying to defend me by standing between myself and his Dad. Poor kid. In the end, I contacted the police and they removed him from the home.

I notified the church that I was leaving. I told my husband that I seek to divorce him.

I have started the process of getting finances in order. Thankfully, the home is rented and in my name only.

My son doesn't want us to get back together. He said the living environment has been toxic and I am so much happier and healthier when his Dad isn't here. I agree.

The problem is, I am now being bombarded with messages from DH and the church leaders. They tell me I cannot walk away, that if I leave my marriage, I am leaving God and will no longer be a Christian. They're constantly asking for meetings and to work together to get this all sorted. I don't want to. DH is telling me he is frightened for my soul and to return to him. They're making me fearful and doubt my decision, but only because of the constant scare tactics! I know I want to leave the marriage and remain out of the church now.

Sorry, this wasn't brief at all. Please help. I understand I have done wrong and deserve criticism, but I am desperate to leave my marriage and feel almost trapped.

Thanks

OP posts:
Letstaketotheskies · 12/03/2023 10:25

Punished not published I mean

Letsrunabath · 12/03/2023 10:43

This is not the way of God. These people are a cult and are unchristian. Do not entertain them at all. Find another church C of E or Methodist are very liberal these days and will welcome you with open arms. I listened to a podcast not long ago about a man leaving a church like the one you are involved in, I’ll try and find it. Your eyes will be opened.

HotSauceCommittee · 12/03/2023 12:21

These are just people on the ground, trying to keep you in your miserable place.
God forgives you.
Just go to a different church, if you feel you need support and religion in your life. C of E?
All the religions are just different pathways to God, if you believe in God.
These people do not have your best interests at heart.

NoSquirrels · 12/03/2023 12:38

God loves you. You don’t need to remain married to an abusive man or attend an abusive ‘church’. If anyone tells you God’s love is contingent on these things, they are lying to you for their own purposes.

You’re doing the right thing.

Pack your husband’s stuff up and get it out of your house. Change the locks (you can still do this in rented accommodation, you just need to either give a new set to the landlord or retain the original lock & key and refit it at the end of the tenancy.

Take care of yourself. Flowers

gold22 · 12/03/2023 13:13

Church or cult? It says everything that they're more concerned about the end of a bad marriage than keeping people safe from an abusive arsehole

Toffeeappler · 12/03/2023 13:24

Evangelical churches like this one are toxic environments that depend on shame and control to stay intact. They won’t let you leave easily I’m afraid, so you’ll have to get tough:

Block everyone from the church from your phone and email
Consult a solicitor urgently
Start divorce proceedings
If you work, maximise your earnings if you haven’t already.
Plan to move nearer your family if you can.

ThisIsWednesday · 12/03/2023 13:30

The church told me I am under no circumstances able to leave the marriage and if I did, I would be subject to church discipline. This means excommunication and humiliation in front of the church.

Who cares what a random bunch of people you never need to see again think? Walk away with your finger in the air pointing behind you.

Then walk straight into another church. Any. Pick any church you come across. They're all basically the same, but maybe steer clear of those for born again Christians who can on occasion be a bit overzealous, much in the way of ex-smokers being complete dicks suddenly.

Londontoderby · 12/03/2023 13:34

Tell the church to piss off!
Who do they think they are telling you that you must stay unhappy and trapped by another human! God would want you to be free, not trapped by an abusive man.

Im a bit annoyed you apologised to him, why did you do that? He has some cheek ‘forgiving you’! He should be on his knees apologising profusely to you instead the scumbag!

dittbtdity · 12/03/2023 13:34

You could Ignore what people at the church say, they sound very controlling and as toxic as your husband. Do what's best for you and your son, then find another church.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:35

God loves you. And will continue to love you as you make the right choices for you and your child

I do not claim to have any Christian faith, yet this sums it up for me. If you see your God as a loving father then he will want his children to do what is best for them, even if that causes him pain.

This 'church' sounds like a cult, and cults try to make it very hard for you to walk away.

ThisIsWednesday · 12/03/2023 13:36

Wouldn't it be nice if Christians acted in a way that CHRIST would actually approve of. By all accounts he was a decent example of what a proper good bloke with good morals is. I mean, I'm not actually a believer and really dislike organises religion because it's men-centred, control bullshit but I don't think I'd have a problem if they all acted like they had actually read the Gospels/New Testament. It might be make believe but there would be no harm in it. Like the Easter bunny or tooth fairy.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:37

This means excommunication and humiliation in front of the church.

How delightfully medieval they sound. Doesn't sound like they'd be any loss, either, if they have to keep you in by fear of what'll happen if you leave.

Shouldbedoing · 12/03/2023 13:45

If you're in local authority housing you might be able to get a transfer for you and your son because of the DV.
If he's not on the tenancy he can be removed.

Ted27 · 12/03/2023 13:58

@SettleDoon

my childhood experience was similar to this.
When my mum was in her late 30s she learnt to drive, went to college and got herself her first decent job. She grew in confidence and realised she didnt have to settle for my very unpleasant father.
However she had joined a church when I was about 8.
This was in the 1970s and early 80s, its difficult to believe how hard it was for women to get mortgages and other financial services and be independent then.
For most of my childhood and all of my teens, my mother was engaged in a battle with the church as well as my father.
I’m glad that in the end she had the courage to leave.

She did go on to marry again and has been married to my stepdad for 35 years.
Your husband does not own you, the church certainly does not own you, or your faith for that matter.
My mum has gone on to find a church that accepts her. Surely the whole point of Christianity is that God will forgive you your sins?
I’m not at all suggesting that you have ‘sinned’. Like everyone you have flaws but you sound like a remarkable woman to me. Your son wants out, you want out.
What does excommunication mean anyway in practical terms ? That you can’t enter the church building? So what - there are other churches. They can’t humiliate you if you arent there. They are just people, nothing special - I wonder who God would judge more harshly.

You are a strong woman. If I do my maths right you are only 30? Don’t allow these people to ruin the rest of your life.
The church is not your faith, if that remains important to you there are other ways to follow it, indeed other churches.

I wish you the courage and strengh to take the next steps.

piedbeauty · 12/03/2023 14:18

Change the locks. Pile all your ex's stuff in the garage and tell him a time he can come round for it. You are in charge here!

piedbeauty · 12/03/2023 14:19

He is no Christian. Christians don't behave like he is. And of course Christians can leave a marriage! Stop giving him any head space.

You might find counselling helpful.

Sweetladyjane · 12/03/2023 14:30

That’s not how a true Christian would behave. I go to an evangelical church and it was my pastor who encouraged me to leave my marriage and get divorced and the church who put me back together again.

You absolutely can be a Christian and get divorced. I’d find another church.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/03/2023 14:34

Find another church, that's not a church that's a cult.

Backstreets · 12/03/2023 14:38

Bloody weird church. This man has not made you happy, you found that ability within yourself 👏 you sound like you know what to do - move closer to your network and the people who love you, leave these creeps behind, and maybe try to meet a man who will love and respect you when you’re ready ❤️ good luck!

crumpet · 12/03/2023 14:45

As many posters have said, there are many flavours of Christian churches. If you would like to be part of a Church, find one that is more suited to you, and ignore the people from your old church who are trying to coerce you back

BelindaBears · 12/03/2023 14:48

This isn’t Christianity. Any organisation that would subject you to humiliation and “discipline” is a cult.

Wnikat · 12/03/2023 14:48

you're 32. You've got so much life ahead of you. Stick to your guns and one day this will all seem like a bad dream. You and your son will be so much happier out of this toxic marriage and church.

C1N1C · 12/03/2023 14:52

Faith is in your heart, not in a building.

Any religion (or in this case, group of people) that choose abuse over happiness, is not the one to be with.

There are other churches, and even if not, you know in your heart and soul what is right".

BadSkiingMum · 12/03/2023 14:59

Horrific and abusive organisation.

All of the above is good advice.

I would also go one step further and consider making a safeguarding report, potentially under the Prevent strategy. Or on the basis of preventing violence against women and girls. Or child safeguarding, as they are pressuring you to remain with a violent partner. Or on the basis that it is a cult.

Shocking.

Ted27 · 12/03/2023 15:15

@SettleDoon

I think @BadSkiingMum has a very good point.
My mum's experience wasn't as bad as yours, but also back then there were no mobile phones or social media to hound you with.