If you had 2 years to secretly plan an amicable separation...

[sandy27]

Im in no huge hurry but I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with DH.

He is a good man and we have been a good parenting team for 13 year (2 DCs) but I know when they start to need us less then I will want my own life. We have very little in common and completely different hobbies and interests. It's on my mind all the time but otherwise my life is pretty good (good job, good friends, enjoy my activities when I can squeeze them in) and I know I'm generally lucky.

I dream of having an independent life and love time on my own or time with just the kids (basically I prefer any time without him).

I'm hoping I can hang in there until both kids are at secondary school.

My priorities in order are

• minimise hurt and disruption to kids
• minimise hurt to DH. He doesn't deserve it. I think he's unsuspecting, he basically had his version of a perfect life. I'd love to help him find a happy future without me.
• find a way for me to afford and keep the house.

We both earn about the same.

Can anyone give me good advice to help me with my exit plan??

Grass always seems greener 🙄 why don't you put some effort into improving your marriage instead of secretly planning to blow it apart, impacting everyone but particularly your children, the product of your union and those promises you made to love and cherish from this day forward etc.

I read somewhere the statistics that those (men and women) in a marriage are generally happier over all than those who are single.

If you are hell bent on destroying it, do it now and spare the poor man 2 wasted years with a callous and calculated wife plotting away whilst he's oblivious.

Imagine if you were a bloke posting this on here.

Great post, I agree most people don't decide this big decision on a whim.

I was going go post about how unfair you were being to you dh, but I can see that a lot of people have beat me to it.

Another option is to talk to your dh about the relationship? He sounds like a good man, can you not put the effort in to rebuild the relationship for two years, if it's still not what you want then you leave. You could try marriage counselling, talking to him, finding things you both like etc. but you have ti want this, your starting point shouldn't be 'I'll leave in 2 years, it should be 'the relationship will be in a great place in 2 years'

Just putting in a comment - I have been surprised at how needy teenagers are. Don’t expect that things will be easier once they are at secondary school.

It's pretty horrible thing to do I've just been through this last year in June after the divorce laws changed

Gave up my dreams for my wife worked my bum off paid for everything had 1 daughter sent her to private school on her request. We had a rocky discussion last Christmas but things we're going well looked like we were communicating . Then bam blindsided me in the summer with 'I want a divorce and don't want to talk about it.'

We worked together sell the house I paid extra for the school fees out of the equity . Have a small business that pays me pennies after working offshore my whole life funding her. Injured my back so no more. I got a rented property near my daughter's school during summer leave got her setup. My ex went on a so weekend , had a promotion subsequently hooked up with a work colleague and bought a house at Xmas.

All her family support are around her and I have no fam in this country . So look after my daughter a week about otherwise I'm alone.

Ex just had word of inheritance coming to her and large wills.

Was difficult to see my wife turn into this cold strange person over night especially as so much had been planned we still had a healthy sex life and I was doing more with my daughter but she'd already decided.

Her rebuttel was standard ,I'm not in love with you anymore and would be happier steering my own ship.

Anyways I still acted honourably to her gave her everything she asked and started this lonely existence.

She had valued everything in the house , my business , the accounts , planned the dates for over 18 months but told no one sought no council and by her own admission said I was a good man and provider but didn't love me.

And that was that. 20 years together. She just started menopause at 49

Nevertheless she totally had a right to change her mind and that would've been all the justification she needed for divorce. I was becoming a grumpy man as my visions were stuffed but I was imprisoned by my duty to my marriage.

She was so cold and brutal to me and my daughter at the time really made me wonder why a discussion soft exit and a plan with a kind good husband wasn't considered .

She has subsequently apologised to me and while I know it's for the best as I was way more invested in the marriage that her it still hurts that you have to redefine this person for a co-parent relationship.

I'm 45 lucky I'm tall and relatively eligible and have been popular in the dating scene but after 20 years just have no fire for it.

So no if you man is conscientious good and kind work on your problems. If you cannot resolve them be kind to him and your kids work in a soft exit but if you must leave.

D

So assuming you oldest is 13 in two years will be 15 so doing GCSE’s so then won’t be a good time.

have you considered counselling for yourself at first ?