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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

If you had 2 years to secretly plan an amicable separation...

106 replies

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:22

Im in no huge hurry but I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with DH.

He is a good man and we have been a good parenting team for 13 year (2 DCs) but I know when they start to need us less then I will want my own life. We have very little in common and completely different hobbies and interests. It's on my mind all the time but otherwise my life is pretty good (good job, good friends, enjoy my activities when I can squeeze them in) and I know I'm generally lucky.

I dream of having an independent life and love time on my own or time with just the kids (basically I prefer any time without him).

I'm hoping I can hang in there until both kids are at secondary school.

My priorities in order are

  • minimise hurt and disruption to kids
  • minimise hurt to DH. He doesn't deserve it. I think he's unsuspecting, he basically had his version of a perfect life. I'd love to help him find a happy future without me.
  • find a way for me to afford and keep the house.

We both earn about the same.

Can anyone give me good advice to help me with my exit plan??

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 02/03/2023 15:25

I think planning a separation in secret for 2 years is a pretty good way of ensuring anger, bitterness and hurt.

Imagine if someone you loved was planning this on you.

Holiwoes · 02/03/2023 15:27

This seems incredibly cruel. If you want to leave, do it.

Don't string him along another 2 years when he thinks you have a happy marriage :(

Poor bloke.

Original poster
sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:28

Whataretheodds · 02/03/2023 15:25

I think planning a separation in secret for 2 years is a pretty good way of ensuring anger, bitterness and hurt.

Imagine if someone you loved was planning this on you.

Why hurt him unnecessarily? If I mess it up it could be more hurtful than if I do it thoughtfully.

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 02/03/2023 15:28

If you are certain your marriage is over, you're at best robbing your husband of two years where he could be moving on, or at worst, trying to find ways of financially advancing yourself at his expense.

Either way, this is a pretty cold hard way of life you're choosing.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 15:29

Terrible way to treat him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2023 15:31

'Thoughtful' doesn't take two years.

I'm all in favour of ducks in a row when there's abuse. But a good man, no. Just tell him. Plan together as your first act as good coparents.

gogohmm · 02/03/2023 15:31

My advice is to talk now to him about how you aren't feeling happy. Don't say I'm leaving you but plant the seed that you don't feel it's happily ever after. Then don't wait too long, do you have a spare room (we slept in separate rooms for a few months)? I also think you need to deprioritise keeping the house, it's simpler to assume you are going to have to sell, it's not fair asking him to wait for his equity, he needs to be able to get a clean break, also assume it's going to be 50/50 with no ongoing child maintenance. Do you still feel the same way? Do you earn decent money?

Original poster
sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:32

Wow, I (naively) didn't expect such an immediate backlash.

My main concerns are to try to avoid hurt all round.

But I see where everyone is coming from. I feel sick at the thought of him reading this. I really don't want to hurt him, so I must love him, right?

OP posts:
gogohmm · 02/03/2023 15:33

My exh said he'd been thinking about leaving me for 10 years, that robbed me of 10 years of life and potentially the ability to have more children. I'm happy now but I got very lucky Grin

TrevorOptions · 02/03/2023 15:33

You sound like you are talking about a pet. Spilt now or think about putting all that 'amicable spilt' effort into your marriage and work on that instead.

Emmamoo89 · 02/03/2023 15:34

So cruel. He deserves better

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 15:34

If you're such a good team and he's a good man why not talk to him about what's missing in your life together.

indecisivewoman81 · 02/03/2023 15:35

I wouldn't wait until the kids are in secondary school if this is your plan.

Motnight · 02/03/2023 15:36

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:32

Wow, I (naively) didn't expect such an immediate backlash.

My main concerns are to try to avoid hurt all round.

But I see where everyone is coming from. I feel sick at the thought of him reading this. I really don't want to hurt him, so I must love him, right?

I think that people are being harsh, Op. But you can't avoid hurting people sometimes. Your h deserves to know how you feel, so that he is involved in the decision making process too.

Good luck

temporarylights · 02/03/2023 15:39

He's unsuspecting? So you've never even given him that chance to talk?

BertieBotts · 02/03/2023 15:41

Talk, if he's reasonable.

You can't avoid hurting him. But essentially living a lie for 2 years will be much more hurtful than just being honest.

Yes, do think about what to say/how to word it, but don't think for 2 years. Tell him as soon as is reasonable. That's the kindest and most respectful thing to do.

PortiasBiscuit · 02/03/2023 15:42

This is so cold-blooded.
Of course you have to tell him, why do you think life is going to be so much more splendid without him anyway? Also do you really think it will get easier if your kids are at secondary school? They will be just old enough to understand the hurt you are causing their father.

Coffeellama · 02/03/2023 15:45

So wrong to waste his life because it suits you, if you don’t want him let him go and live his life, with more chance to find someone new. Don’t secretly plan it for years pretending to be happy and then destroy him and make him move out as well. Why doesn’t he get 2 years to save and plan?

greenspaces4peace · 02/03/2023 15:46

I can’t get over your comment about
no hobbies or interests in common….who wants the same hobbies and interests??
if you did the same same 24/7 what would you talk about?

Rummikub · 02/03/2023 15:47

I’m divorced. I felt blind sided even though we were arguing.

It cannot be amicable how you are approaching it. You are giving yourself a head start and leaving your marriage emotionally. He will then be blindsided in two years time and have to play catch up! Not a chance will it be amicable.

You could talk to him now. What is missing? Is it rectifiable? If you think not then he needs to know now.

SweetSakura · 02/03/2023 15:49

This would be really deceitful. If you are already at that place why not suggest counselling so you can work your way towards an amicable separation together?

Billydaffodil · 02/03/2023 15:51

I guess I would firstly be wondering if you are 100% sure this is the right decision....
It sounds like he's a good man, maybe you are totally sure and that's fair enough. Maybe just think about how you'd feel if he told you he was in love with someone else. Would it feel like freedom or not?

I'm only saying this because my LTP and I split up for 3 years and I regretted it, though it was necessary at the time. After loads of work we got back together and it's the best relationship of my life now. Just to say things can change, maybe. (But only you know how you feel.)

BobbinThreadbare123 · 02/03/2023 15:53

This is as cold as ice. My XH did this to me; quietly plotted away, got himself all sorted and emotionally he had moved on etc. We weren't arguing or anything. Plodding along quite normally tbh. I was blindsided when he reached his desired endpoint; it certainly wasn't mine, and it was a very ugly way to end a marriage.

Dontpokethebadger · 02/03/2023 15:55

"D"H has recently told me he's not been happy for some years. It's made all the birthday cards, valentines, anniversary gifts and (very rare) date nights seem like a lie. I am angry and feel utterly betrayed. And he's not certain he wants to walk away, we're seeing a counsellor. Even if he decides he wants to stay I'm not sure if I can ever trust him again.

If you know there's no going back don't make the next two years a lie.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2023 15:57

You're taking away his right to know and choose. For all you know he's miserable too but loyal.