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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

If you had 2 years to secretly plan an amicable separation...

106 replies

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:22

Im in no huge hurry but I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with DH.

He is a good man and we have been a good parenting team for 13 year (2 DCs) but I know when they start to need us less then I will want my own life. We have very little in common and completely different hobbies and interests. It's on my mind all the time but otherwise my life is pretty good (good job, good friends, enjoy my activities when I can squeeze them in) and I know I'm generally lucky.

I dream of having an independent life and love time on my own or time with just the kids (basically I prefer any time without him).

I'm hoping I can hang in there until both kids are at secondary school.

My priorities in order are

  • minimise hurt and disruption to kids
  • minimise hurt to DH. He doesn't deserve it. I think he's unsuspecting, he basically had his version of a perfect life. I'd love to help him find a happy future without me.
  • find a way for me to afford and keep the house.

We both earn about the same.

Can anyone give me good advice to help me with my exit plan??

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 02/03/2023 18:35

Why do you need to wait until your children are in secondary? Why do you see that as the acceptable time
splitting imo is harder the older children get

SweetSakura · 02/03/2023 18:42

I agree I think separation will be easier on the children now rather than when then are teenagers.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 19:03

I think a lot of women end up in a situation where they can't afford a lawyer, can afford to buy out, so I think a year to save to put yourself in an equal position financially is not that duplicitous,

If they're both earning a similar amount then there shouldn't be a disparity, all the 2 years does is give her the advantage in an attempt to come out on top. I know that a secret fund is advised so you can split but it would still need to be declared and only shows she's been plotting in the background to leave.

trulyunruly01 · 02/03/2023 19:19

I think the key to making it amicable is both parties being able to say 'well, we tried', and I don't think you will both be able to say that if you follow your plan.
So I think you need to begin a dialogue by simply saying that you're not happy, is he happy and if he says he doesn't know, then ask him to think about it for a few days because you will want to talk about it.
DC will be at one critical stage or another for the next decade - leaving primary, starting secondary, choosing GCSEs, being typical teenagers, taking GCSEs, studying for A levels, choosing and then attending uni. Theres no good time.

Mumof3confused · 02/03/2023 19:23

I don’t think you deserve the negative comments. Nobody just wakes up one day and decides they want to get a divorce. Of course it takes YEARS to come to this conclusion. Been there, done that.

What I wish I had known: a LOT of men (and I’m sure women too) turn very nasty once finances aren’t negotiated. I could never have guessed who my ex would turn into. I wish I had been more prepared.

I would advise you to have some personal counselling. Figure out what you want, what makes you unhappy. You must have been happy at some point. What changed? Have you come to realise things about him that you didn’t at the start? Would couples counselling help?

Get an initial fixed-price session with a solicitor. You will want to know where you stand. Take with you details of all pensions, savings, investments, salaries etc.

Research what you can get with the likely equity from your house. Might you need to move to a cheaper area? Research schools in those areas. Consider catchment areas and when kids are due to move.

I will get berated for this but I’d say take out some cash each week and stash it away somewhere he can’t find it. You might need it if your ex turns nasty and tries to strangle you financially.

Don’t expect it to me amicable. I did, and I had NO idea what I was letting myself in for. I think you are right to be prepared but I do think it’s worth having that couples counselling to help both of you get closure, even if you already think you know what you want to do.

33goingon64 · 02/03/2023 19:34

It's only amicable if he decides to be amicable too. He might well react very badly indeed then your vision of a nice, easy separation and divorce goes out the window and you find yourself in an awful situation. Remember that divorcing won't get rid of him from your life. You have 2 DC and you'll still be seeing each other and dealing with all DC related things for the rest of your lives. Think of all the things he might do or say that will make your life harder than it is now. Whilst I have on occasion fantasised about a life without DH, I very quickly realise that I'm actually much better off with him despite the flaws in our relationship. Divorce is messy and horrible.

peanutbutterkid · 02/03/2023 20:29

It took me > 10 years to work up the courage to have "The Talk."
In mean time, there was a lot of planning.
At moment, last 8 weeks, we seem to be in midst of an amicable split.
The only thing that helped it be so amicable probably is because I waited so long. There isn't anything to dispute about the future of the marriage, and we are both long past the point where we could have felt very sad about it.
Last night I apologised for being a coward & he laughed saying it was his own sheer laziness that didn't make him be the one to end the marriage.

So... both as bad as each other, perhaps.

One day I just wasn't afraid of the possible consequences...is why I finally made the move. and it was STILL very scary to initiate "the Talk." Honestly, if I'm a total failure as a human being that I planned leaving for years but didn't tell him, that fact just goes on the enormous pile of all my other failings. I don't have the energy to beat myself up about them, if I started then I would never find a reason to stop.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 20:38

I will get berated for this but I’d say take out some cash each week and stash it away somewhere he can’t find it.

If your spending time stashing away money then there's no way would I say you should have an amicable break unless of course you're willing to admit to the stash during the break. The idea that hiding money to gain an advantage (by either party) is normal in a good relationship is just wrong.

Clytemnestra21 · 02/03/2023 21:12

Agree with posters that deceiving him and pretending for 2years likely ensures longer lasting hurt for him. It would be really disrespectful. Don't you think if he knew how you felt he'd want the opportunity to plans and make decisions too? Even if it's messier, be authentic with him or risk breaking him and making him hate you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2023 21:15

I think your reaction means that something else is going on.

What I think, and please talk to a counsellor, is that you aren't happy but not sad enough. In order to stand the relationship, you've set some arbitrary date in the future you will separate on. That keeps you sane, the planning too. But actually, you aren't sure, you don't feel you want to divorce NOW. It makes you sick and shaky.

I think you need someone to talk to to get to the bottom of it. Work out if you actually want to separate and if not, how to improve things.

latetothefisting · 02/03/2023 22:23

but your reasoning that a divorce will be less disruptive to the kids in 2 years time because they will both be in secondary school doesn't make sense. If the oldest is 13 now they will be doing their GCSEs in 2 years time so really not a great time to split up. There is no perfect time.

MMMarmite · 02/03/2023 22:33

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2023 21:15

I think your reaction means that something else is going on.

What I think, and please talk to a counsellor, is that you aren't happy but not sad enough. In order to stand the relationship, you've set some arbitrary date in the future you will separate on. That keeps you sane, the planning too. But actually, you aren't sure, you don't feel you want to divorce NOW. It makes you sick and shaky.

I think you need someone to talk to to get to the bottom of it. Work out if you actually want to separate and if not, how to improve things.

I think this is a wise post.

Fromwetome · 02/03/2023 23:08

As someone who's parents separated amicably when I was 14 it turned my world upside down at a time when I needed nothing but stability during the hell that is puberty and adolescence.

There is no amicable when your husband wherever he is right now is sat in his own head happily married and has a perfect life. How can that be amicable? And to know you felt like that for years prior to ending it? No that would be torture, he'd feel immensely hurt and embarrassed to be so oblivious.

Pubesofsoberness · 02/03/2023 23:24

If he's a good man then you should sit down with him and talk about it all

It's OK that you don't want to be with him anymore, these things happen but you need to be honest

Ime you don't want to.leave it until your dc are teens. It's easier when they are younger

SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 23:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2023 21:15

I think your reaction means that something else is going on.

What I think, and please talk to a counsellor, is that you aren't happy but not sad enough. In order to stand the relationship, you've set some arbitrary date in the future you will separate on. That keeps you sane, the planning too. But actually, you aren't sure, you don't feel you want to divorce NOW. It makes you sick and shaky.

I think you need someone to talk to to get to the bottom of it. Work out if you actually want to separate and if not, how to improve things.

This is extremely wise

Ponderingwindow · 02/03/2023 23:59

It won’t be amicable unless you both happen to be at the place where you are both ready to walk away cleanly. The odds of that happening in any relationship are slim. You need to abandon that idea right now. He is going to be angry and you are going to have to accept his anger.

what you want is a separation that is as fair and swift as possible. That is entirely different.

first, unless you can truly afford the house, don’t try to keep it if he could afford to stay there. In fact, if you know he would want the house and can afford it but you can’t, the best thing you could do is arrange to tell him about the separation once you have secure yourself housing. Tell him and then leave the joint house immediately so he doesn’t have to deal with you again until he has gotten over his initial reaction.

if you can honestly afford the house and really want it, it is more complicated. Asking him to leave when you Initiate the separation is hard. I would recommend doing it at a time you can go away for a few days afterwards so he can have some space. Even just a weekend would be kind.

have your solicitor ready, know what you are going to be doing financially and have as much paperwork done as possible.

PatChaunceysFruitCake · 03/03/2023 07:16

@sandy27, lots of posters have told you not to do this so I won't pile on with that advice.

I just wanted to say that if you do go ahead with your plan don't make it obvious to your children. My mum did exactly what you're outlining to the point where she took my sisters and I with her to a solicitor and estate agent before she'd actually told my Dad.

With the benefit of hindsight I recognise now that he must have known what she was doing even if the words hadn't been said but she would say 'don't tell your dad' etc.

It was an awful way to treat my Dad and 14 year old me. I know it sounds childish (but I was a child) but I'm not sure I've really forgiven her. We have a strained relationship for many reasons but her handling of her separation is a significant factor.

Do what you need to be happy but please don't string it out for the sake of your DCs as much as anything else.

Kamia · 03/03/2023 07:33

The best time to leave will be now. After a few years they will be teenagers and even more tricky. It's best to deal with visitation and all other complications before they are older. They need some consistency and stability as teens because they will be going through their own difficult changes

MsMcGonagall · 03/03/2023 07:42

OP you're getting an unfairly hard time. I often read on MN, you don't need a specific threshold or reason to end a relationship. I've also read other posters who have acknowledged that now isn't the right time. So you're not alone, and not doing something bad either.

SheilaFentiman · 03/03/2023 07:50

MsMcGonagall · 03/03/2023 07:42

OP you're getting an unfairly hard time. I often read on MN, you don't need a specific threshold or reason to end a relationship. I've also read other posters who have acknowledged that now isn't the right time. So you're not alone, and not doing something bad either.

I think it is not so much the planning as the “keeping quiet for two years” - I have friends who decided to separate but waited a few months for exams to be over before they told the kids, say - that’s quite different

berksandbeyond · 03/03/2023 09:25

The grass is greener where you water it.

Put this time, energy and thought into yourself and into your marriage. Get counselling.

This is snakey and he sounds like a good man who deserves better!

VictoriaBun · 03/03/2023 09:32

Can I make the suggestion you are bored ? Trouble is you are bored with yourself and life in general.
work on that for 6 months before you make any decisions.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/03/2023 19:05

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 15:29

Terrible way to treat him.

Agreed, incredibly cruel, cold and calculating.

Let him go now, he deserves better.

ProtectorExtraordinaryOfTheCantonsOfNim · 03/03/2023 19:24

In your position I'd research marriage counsellors and then tell him you want to go to counselling. A good counsellor isn't just there to save the relationship no matter what; they explore what's changed, how the two people feel, and they can help the couple move towards separation with a minimum of animosity if that turns out to be the best course.

Whiteroomjoy · 03/03/2023 20:42

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:32

Wow, I (naively) didn't expect such an immediate backlash.

My main concerns are to try to avoid hurt all round.

But I see where everyone is coming from. I feel sick at the thought of him reading this. I really don't want to hurt him, so I must love him, right?

There are lots of types of feelings all lumped into the heading of love

affection, admiration , friendship, romance, lust, charity (old sense of word ), and a whole bunch of others

I certainly do still love my ex in some ways- we were married for 30 years ..but I certainly couldn’t live with him any more and aspects like affection, admiration, romance and lust had dwindled away till we were left with chariot and friendship- no basis for marriage.