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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

If you had 2 years to secretly plan an amicable separation...

106 replies

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:22

Im in no huge hurry but I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with DH.

He is a good man and we have been a good parenting team for 13 year (2 DCs) but I know when they start to need us less then I will want my own life. We have very little in common and completely different hobbies and interests. It's on my mind all the time but otherwise my life is pretty good (good job, good friends, enjoy my activities when I can squeeze them in) and I know I'm generally lucky.

I dream of having an independent life and love time on my own or time with just the kids (basically I prefer any time without him).

I'm hoping I can hang in there until both kids are at secondary school.

My priorities in order are

  • minimise hurt and disruption to kids
  • minimise hurt to DH. He doesn't deserve it. I think he's unsuspecting, he basically had his version of a perfect life. I'd love to help him find a happy future without me.
  • find a way for me to afford and keep the house.

We both earn about the same.

Can anyone give me good advice to help me with my exit plan??

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 02/03/2023 16:27

Regardless of your feelings for him, your husband deserves respect.
You are the model your children will look to for their future relationships.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed?... stop manipulating people you care for.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 16:27

Why do you prefer time without him? Presumably you did enjoy spending time with him, what's changed?

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 02/03/2023 16:28

I don't think you can decide unilaterally that it will be amicable.

lunar1 · 02/03/2023 16:31

It sounds more like two years so you can make sure things are setup for you to keep the house to be honest.

ShimmeringShirts · 02/03/2023 16:31

So you want to string him along for a further two years and take the house from him too? Biscuit

MMMarmite · 02/03/2023 16:32

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 02/03/2023 16:28

I don't think you can decide unilaterally that it will be amicable.

This. I'd feel far less amicable if my partner presented a fait accompli that they'd been planning for two years.

Why do you feel it's unfixable OP? Have you ever told him what's making you unhappy and given him a chance to change?

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 16:33

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 02/03/2023 16:28

I don't think you can decide unilaterally that it will be amicable.

I doubt it will be amicable.
He's living a delusion, happy home with children and a wife he loves, suddenly out of the blue she says sorry homes getting split up, we'll split the assets get two houses and share the children. No easy or nice way to do it.

BatFaceOwl · 02/03/2023 16:35

Honestly, you can't plot for two years to leave him and all that entails. You talk about how you'll try and buy him out so you're also wanting him to leave his own home - and the poor bloke has no idea!

Just sit down with him and chat. If you must, just tell him the age old 'I do love you but I'm not in love with you etc etc' and tell him you want better for him. But you've gotta broach it in some way

Tummytroubles22 · 02/03/2023 16:37

My DM did this when my sibling and I were older teens. When the shit hit the fan she had planning it for a while it really went wrong. She has no relationship with my sibling, a strained one with me and my DF can’t stand her. He was absolutely blindsided by it while she thought it would be sunshine and roses as she had made peace with it years ago.

she even had the whole house decorated, new carpets and blinds before she left so he would ‘have a nice house’.

Her behaviour made us all feel like everything we had done as a family in the time before she left was a lie and I’ve never completely forgiven her, my feelings flared again when I had my own DC.

if you’ve made your decision then it’s cruel to stay.

randomuser2019 · 02/03/2023 16:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 16:41

Just sit down with him and chat. If you must, just tell him the age old 'I do love you but I'm not in love with you etc etc' and tell him you want better for him.

Don't forget to add that you want the house and children and can he close the door on the way out.

Coolblur · 02/03/2023 16:44

You shouldn't do this to him. Tell him how you're feeling now. Maybe you can both fix it. Maybe you'll find out he feels the same and you split amicably now, saving you both two years of your life.
Remember you cannot control another person's response or actions, only your own. It's not up to you to decide you'll split amicably in two years. He might react badly. He might pick up on the fact you've checked out and end it well before then. Would you react well if he blindsided you like that?

Talipesmum · 02/03/2023 16:47

I can see you’re trying to ease the pain of it all round by planning, but it just doesn’t work like that. It looks like you’re realising perhaps an unacknowledged reason for wanting to delay is that the reality of instigating a divorce and all that it will mean is a lot tougher than the vision you’ve created in your mind. Just because it will be easy for you, mentally, doesn’t mean it will for anyone else and I don’t think that’s avoidable. I’m not at all saying it’s not the right thing to do - it may well be - but it’s not going to be easy. Sorry x

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 02/03/2023 16:49

If a separation is 'amicable', there's absolutely no requirement to unilaterally spend two years planning it in secret.

nonevernotever · 02/03/2023 16:55

If you are sure I would talk to him now. But you have to be absolutely completely sure. A friend of mine was planning to leave "when the kids have left home". Two years later she realised it was just the circumstances at the time that she wasn't happy with, and she actually did still love her husband. 15 years on and they're very happy.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 02/03/2023 17:00

I suspect my ex did something similar - perhaps not quite so deliberate. Had an affair, wanted to leave, she wouldn't have him, he had no job, we didn't have much in the way of assets, kids 8 and 10. I was persuaded to give him another chance. Eight years later he decides he wants a divorce after all, persuades me to keep up the "marriage" until their exams were over, in the meantime finds himself a replacement wife on line, remarried within 6 weeks of the decree absolute.

Would have been easier on the kids if he had left when they were 8 and 10. Also I think I might have had a better chance at finding someone else - I never have and it was 20 years ago now.

If you feel it is right to you, be honest. If it is upsetting you than it might not be right for you after all.

MattBerrysHair · 02/03/2023 17:14

This is a very manipulative plan, OP. Do you generally have a problem with people seeing you as the "bad guy"? Your DH is going to feel hurt whether you end the marriage now or in 2 years time, you can't avoid that. At least allow him the dignity of being involved in the whole process rather than trying to orchestrate an outcome that allows you to feel better about yourself, whilst simultaneously treating him like a child with no agency over his own life.

BertieBotts · 02/03/2023 17:16

Could you suggest couple's counselling, so that you have a more controlled forum to explore the reasons that you feel you want to leave the relationship?

Or single counselling to help you explore whether you want to and if you do how to get to the point to be able to explain that?

CKL987 · 02/03/2023 17:18

I think you should tell him you aren't happy and suggest couples counselling, not necessarily to get you to a place where you are happy to stay in the marriage but so you can work together to decide how to move forward.

Landndialamrhf · 02/03/2023 17:26

This sounds like a really selfish, horrible thing to do
you have 2 years to process and plan, then you spring it on him and then expect him to be ok with it quickly so it can be amicable, or he’s the one that’s unreasonable
you’ll leave him to process that 2+ years of his life have been a lie
and if the children find out they’ll feel the same
you’ll make everyone insecure, and unable to trust their own judgement. Whilst you pretend you were the good one who chose the best timing for everyone.

And you are giving him no control, no say, no possible chance to rectify any of the issues you see, no chance to fight and work on his marriage.

why don’t you spend those two years actually making an effort with your marriage, as you promised to do in your vows, rather than just backing out.

or talk to him now and show him the respect of ensuring he isn’t clueless in the plans you’re making for his life.

LondonJax · 02/03/2023 17:30

I agree with the others OP. It's time to either talk things through in the hope of getting some sort of compromise. Or start talking about ending it.

You mention that you dream of being independent and having time to yourself (or you and the kids alone). But the first two will be harder if you're a single parent. You mention about squeezing in activities now. That'll be harder if you're a single parent too.

I'm not saying stay with him as a 'child supporter' but, if what you actually want is a bit more time to yourself, want to do things alone with the kids or want to just do stuff more independently of him, that can be talked through.

If it's truly the fact that, whilst you think he's a lovely man, you can't really stand the sight of him and want to move on, then you have to move on.

Is he (or your perception of your relationship with him) a bit 'clingy' or claustrophobic. Do you have to do everything as a couple or family or do you get 'space'?

I'm a great one for space. I love doing things as a family but I really do need time to myself sometimes. DH understands that so if I said 'I'm going shopping on Saturday - on my own' he sorted something out for him and DS to do instead when DS was younger. And he'd encourage me to have the odd weekend away to get my 'independence' fix every few months - I'd just go to art galleries/museums/theatre, nothing special but it got the 'hidden me' back again. I'd be more settled then. I'd encourage DH to do the same and I'd have a weekend with DS on my own.

Think about your ideal life. What's it look like? Is it really you and the kids or is it you, the kids and (possibly) a slightly less 'tight' relationship? Maybe he actually feels the same. Until you speak you'll never know.

BetterFuture1985 · 02/03/2023 17:36

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:28

Why hurt him unnecessarily? If I mess it up it could be more hurtful than if I do it thoughtfully.

Show quote history

Loving the way this is pretending to be about not hurting your DH when really it's just about finding a way to sponge off him for two more years and keep the house. I hope he forces a sale.

MrsMiddleMother · 02/03/2023 17:56

I think the posters on this thread are being ridiculous, especially since the mn brigade are always spouting 'get your ducks in a row' and not just because of abuse🙄

OP if I was you I'd just start saving as much money as I could, because with that comes the ease of renting another house and providing everything as a single. You deserve to be happy, even if nothing is 'wrong' in the relationship, equally you deserve to get a plan together rather than just dropping a bomb in the family and figuring it all out after.

BertieBotts · 02/03/2023 18:24

Not really, I'd be all for get ducks in a row if it's unsafe to discuss for whatever reason (usually abuse).

Since the OP could discuss, wants an amicable separation and wants to minimise hurt, it makes the most sense to be upfront, not be squirreling away for years. That's a last resort kind of behaviour (to me anyway).

xJoy · 02/03/2023 18:27

He might not be as unsuspecting as you think. I think you should save as much as you can and try to earn more too if possible.

I think a lot of women end up in a situation where they can't afford a lawyer, can afford to buy out, so I think a year to save to put yourself in an equal position financially is not that duplicitous, jmo.

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