Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

If you had 2 years to secretly plan an amicable separation...

106 replies

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:22

Im in no huge hurry but I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with DH.

He is a good man and we have been a good parenting team for 13 year (2 DCs) but I know when they start to need us less then I will want my own life. We have very little in common and completely different hobbies and interests. It's on my mind all the time but otherwise my life is pretty good (good job, good friends, enjoy my activities when I can squeeze them in) and I know I'm generally lucky.

I dream of having an independent life and love time on my own or time with just the kids (basically I prefer any time without him).

I'm hoping I can hang in there until both kids are at secondary school.

My priorities in order are

  • minimise hurt and disruption to kids
  • minimise hurt to DH. He doesn't deserve it. I think he's unsuspecting, he basically had his version of a perfect life. I'd love to help him find a happy future without me.
  • find a way for me to afford and keep the house.

We both earn about the same.

Can anyone give me good advice to help me with my exit plan??

OP posts:
Original poster
sandy27 · 02/03/2023 15:58

Thank you everyone. I think I need to hear all of this. But it's hard and I don't know how I'm ever going to find the courage.

OP posts:
randomuser2019 · 02/03/2023 15:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 15:59

Don’t secretly plan it for years pretending to be happy and then destroy him and make him move out as well.

Why make him move out, she can move out.

who wants the same hobbies and interests??
if you did the same same 24/7 what would you talk about?

We have lots of similar interests and common friends, (some differences as well) still things to talk about. Sometimes we sit and talk together, often we just sit together, difference is perhaps, I still enjoy his company.

Bythebeach · 02/03/2023 15:59

I thought the evidence showed children generally cope better with a split pre secondary/adolescent age? What are you waiting for?

PeekAtYou · 02/03/2023 15:59

Planning it for the next 2 years is awful. If he ever finds out then he's going to be angry and thoroughly devastated because any happy memories and everything you say or do
will basically be a big fat lie because you knew that you were going to go and you were just going through the motions so he doesn't suspect.

MMMarmite · 02/03/2023 15:59

Agree with everyone else, if you are fully decided, then pretending otherwise for two years is the cruelest thing you could do. He will be blindsided and devastated at the point you are ready to skip of into your new life. He will have to come to terms with the fact that the love of his life lied to him for years.

Either give him a chance to fix things, or give him a chance to start preparing mentally/ moving on too.

latetothefisting · 02/03/2023 16:00

Agree with everyone else.

Fair enough if you want to end the marriage but the only reason you seem to want to hang on 2 years is to make them easier for you by sharing childcare while your kids are still young enough to need it. Which is so unfair to him. That could be 2 extra years he has to meet someone else or to save up himself for the additional costs of living alone.

Can you really not imagine how you'd feel if your employer turned around and said "oh we decided 2 years ago your face no longer fit so we've been monitoring your workload behind your back, and building up evidence to support sacking you and have now found someone to fill your post so here's your months notice" or your friend said "I've never actually liked you but carried on pretending we were mates because you gave my kids a lift to school/brownies" or your children in the future said they were going no contact with you, they'd wanted to do it for years but wanted you to pay for their uni/wedding/house first.

Original poster
sandy27 · 02/03/2023 16:01

I don't want to be the one that wrecks everything. I know that what I want is selfish when I should just be happy with what I've got.

It's more than just hobbies, it's our whole life view.

If he told me he loved someone else I'd be relieved.

OP posts:
randomuser2019 · 02/03/2023 16:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
sandy27 · 02/03/2023 16:03

latetothefisting · 02/03/2023 16:00

Agree with everyone else.

Fair enough if you want to end the marriage but the only reason you seem to want to hang on 2 years is to make them easier for you by sharing childcare while your kids are still young enough to need it. Which is so unfair to him. That could be 2 extra years he has to meet someone else or to save up himself for the additional costs of living alone.

Can you really not imagine how you'd feel if your employer turned around and said "oh we decided 2 years ago your face no longer fit so we've been monitoring your workload behind your back, and building up evidence to support sacking you and have now found someone to fill your post so here's your months notice" or your friend said "I've never actually liked you but carried on pretending we were mates because you gave my kids a lift to school/brownies" or your children in the future said they were going no contact with you, they'd wanted to do it for years but wanted you to pay for their uni/wedding/house first.

I'd be totally happy doing all the childcare and am in a much better position to do it than him (more flexible job), so that's not the reason for waiting.

OP posts:
StickofVeg · 02/03/2023 16:05

I think planning that for 2 years is awful. If you want to break up then give him those 2 years of his life to move on. It's not fair to take that from him when he could find someone else.

Coffeellama · 02/03/2023 16:05

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 16:03

I'd be totally happy doing all the childcare and am in a much better position to do it than him (more flexible job), so that's not the reason for waiting.

Show quote history

Then what is the reason?

notacooldad · 02/03/2023 16:06

I don't want to be the one that wrecks everything.
You can't have it every way. If you want out -get out, but don't take away two years of his life. You will have had that time to process everything and ready to move on and it will potentially hit him like a ton of bricks, then he will have to process it and then move on which is taking more time from him. Bloody selfish and mean.

PeekAtYou · 02/03/2023 16:06

Anecdotally I think that the younger the kids are, the better they are with dealing with a divorce. This is based on my kids and people I know irl.

yanbu to not see your marriage as long term so I'm not going to comment on why you want to end things but teens find it harder than primary school kids ime so I wouldn't be so confident that waiting until youngest is in secondary is a good idea.

It's always good to make sure that you have your financial independence so regardless of separation, work on that side of things.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 16:07

Sure it's not just you and the way you feel? Have you spoken to someone properly about the way you feel?

Original poster
sandy27 · 02/03/2023 16:08

@Coffeellama so they don't have too much disruption at once, i know it's a critical point in their lives.

OP posts:
Fourmagpies · 02/03/2023 16:08

I think everyone is being a bit harsh. You can still care about someone and what is best for them, even if that means you are not in their life. I do agree that stringing him along for 2 years is unfair, though. I still care about my STBXH, but I don't want to be married to him, and we don't have a future together. I wish we'd had a discussion many years ago about our marriage, I didn't want to rock the boat, and there was nothing specific that I could put my finger on about what was wrong. It doesn't sound like waiting 2 years will achieve much in terms of being in a better place financially. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.

Coffeellama · 02/03/2023 16:09

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 16:08

@Coffeellama so they don't have too much disruption at once, i know it's a critical point in their lives.

What is? How old are they? Why is it going to be easier once they’re hormonal teens? What about your DH and his life?

PeekAtYou · 02/03/2023 16:13

If you go through with your plan then you are inevitably going to look like the bitch in 2 years time because you have emotionally detached 2 years plus the time you've known it's over. So when the split comes he will be gutted while you will feel fine because you've known for a while already that things are over. When you quickly move on while he's stuck and upset, you will seem cold because you're lll be fine emotionally.

If you know it's over then the kindest thing to do is tell him now. Gaslighting and pretending is abusive territory even if your intentions are good.

Original poster
sandy27 · 02/03/2023 16:15

I was calm when I started this thread but now I feel sick , ashamed and shaky. Maybe I'll never be able to do it. Maybe I don't need to.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 02/03/2023 16:16

Why do you think it's best to leave seperation until your kids are at secondary school. I left my DH when my son had just gone into year 8 - it was awful and would have been so much better for him if I had gone when he was younger.

Once secondary school comes around you will tell yourself you need to leave it until they have left school....then college.....then uni. Then before you know it 15 years have gone by and you're still "making plans". Talk to your DH, see if there is a way forward and if not then you need to separate now and not in 2 years. It's his life too, and he isn't a disposable object, he deserves to know how you are really feeling so he has a choice too.

isthewashingdryyet · 02/03/2023 16:16

It’s not just best for your poor husband, but also your kids. kids will feel so guilty and possibly huge anger if you stay together just for them, and it will be much harder on them the older they are.
kids also know when parents are not happy, and would rather have two totally okay parents than one very unhappy one.

just do it today, so you can all process it together

Rookriver · 02/03/2023 16:18

100% agree with waiting NOT being best for the kids. They deserve happy parents.

Coffeellama · 02/03/2023 16:18

sandy27 · 02/03/2023 16:15

I was calm when I started this thread but now I feel sick , ashamed and shaky. Maybe I'll never be able to do it. Maybe I don't need to.

You should read the posts again OP, because never doing it is the opposite of what everyone has said. I’m glad it’s made you think more about your treatment of him though as you begin this process.

Coyoacan · 02/03/2023 16:18

Re. the children. My father left when dsis was 14, so was 8 and I was 4. Dsis devastated, brother was somewhat affected while there not a bother on me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread