Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this fair? Paying back house deposit.

115 replies

lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 15:04

I am getting divorced after a ten year marriage and we are working on a settlement. stbx was unfaithful and was originally guilt-ridden and saying he wanted nothing, but now that's changed, maybe because ow has dumped him and he's in the shit. We've actually been separated 2 years but only now moving to a divorce. I've stayed in the family home and he is staying with friends.

I'm the main earner and he earns very little. He was a sahd as lack of career made it a no-brainer that he would do that role and not me. He's also 9 years older then me so no career not one he have up.

We have very little in terms of assets - a car probably not worth £2k that I need to get to work. About £30k house equity and no savings. I have quite a decent pension.

I can borrow £18k to take on the mortgage on my own (only my income was taken into account for it anyway) and he wants that minus fees plus £20k when the dc leave uni. HE doesn't want any of my pension as he thinks he's too old to really benefit (early 50s now).

I think it's too much - it's more than the assets we have now but he says because his dm gave us £60k 12 years ago when we first bought a house he's being more than fair. I think that shouldn't come into it as it's not my fault that's mainly gone - he made all our financial decisions when we were together and wasn't exactly great at it. Solicitor thinks we can negotiate him down but is also worried about a judge not signing off on it as he has nothing really and won't get a mortgage.

Any thoughts? With the additional mortgage payments now and him paying nothing for the dc I feel like I'm going to be subsidising him for ever now.

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 17/02/2023 15:08

So the total value of your total shared assets is £32k?

KnickerlessParsons · 17/02/2023 15:11

Is his name on the mortgage?

Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 15:12

Yes, though with the house equity it's not an exact sum and houses not exactly selling easily round here now, plus he's not contributed anything really to the household for the last 2 years except doing school pick-ups and drop-offs.

OP posts:
Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 15:12

Yes, he's on the mortgage.

OP posts:
RedCarsGoFaster · 17/02/2023 15:13

What happened to the £60k deposit?

YoBeaches · 17/02/2023 15:13

Sorry and what age are the children now?

I would aim to strike a balance that the lack of child support for remaining years negates any claim to the pension and so you only have the value of current assets up for discussion.

Which appears to be £32k so you give him £16k and be done with it.

Money spent in the past is money spent. Means nothing now.

Gymmum82 · 17/02/2023 15:16

He’s not entitled to it. So refuse. Half of the house equity is what he’s entitled to. He left you. I wouldn’t give anything above the minimum

Livinghappy · 17/02/2023 15:17

He could have aaked for a share of your pension and he would be advised to go for it, especially as he is older and doesn't have a pension.

What happened to the 60k deposit?

I think he is being extremely reasonable and a judge would likely be more generous. The fact he stayed at home could be seen as facilitating your job - sick days holidays etc.

Catinadome · 17/02/2023 15:18

How much is your house actually worth on the market because divorces tend to split assets as a starting point at 50/50.

Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 15:18

So children are 9 and 7.

The £60k has gone through us re-mortgaging when in our first home to upgrade the kitchen and bathroom. Then we moved to a bigger house and 6 months later he dropped his bombshell, having been the driving force behind the move 🙄.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 17/02/2023 15:19

How have you lost £60k though? This I don’t understand. Surely your house hasn’t depreciated in value over 12 years?

MarchingBand · 17/02/2023 15:24

Gymmum82 · 17/02/2023 15:16

He’s not entitled to it. So refuse. Half of the house equity is what he’s entitled to. He left you. I wouldn’t give anything above the minimum

Well technically he's entitled to half her pension as well. And who left who doesn't matter in terms of the law and what they are entitled to.

YoBeaches · 17/02/2023 15:24

So the £60k went into the mortgage on your old home.... which you sold and moved into your new home?

The value of which now means there is £30k equity available.

Depending on why you moved it was potentially a bad investment but not one you solely is the brunt of, given you have had a reduction in equity as well.

Is there any plan for child maintenance at all?

Gymmum82 · 17/02/2023 15:27

MarchingBand · 17/02/2023 15:24

Well technically he's entitled to half her pension as well. And who left who doesn't matter in terms of the law and what they are entitled to.

Show quote history

True. But he’d need a solicitor for that and doesn’t sound like he can afford one

ACynicalDad · 17/02/2023 15:30

If your pension is over £40k I would try to negotiate this down but take it and be done with him. Although if you think it's unlikely there will be maintenance then maybe try to take the £20k off and accept no maintenance.

KnickerlessParsons · 17/02/2023 15:36

Your assets are £30k equity and £2k's worth of car, plus your pension, which you say he has no interest in.

The fact that you plan on borrowing £18k to take on the mortgage is irrelevant, as is the fact that only your income was taken into account when you borrowed the money

If his name is on the mortgage, the starting point would be him being entitled to half the value of the house now if you sold it.

His DM gave the both of you £60k towards the house, and unless that was ringfenced when you took out the mortgage, that's done and dusted now (technically, if not morally).

If it was you who'd been the SAHP people would be advising you that you need to factor in the cost of all the "free" childcare you've contributed to the marriage over the years, and that your DH should give you 50% of the saleable value of the house so that he can buy himself somewhere else.

So it sounds like you're getting off lightly with the amount he's asking you for.

Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 15:40

And him contributing for the dc, or not, going forward? Does that not come into it or I'm supposed to just suck that up despite the fact that in being a sahd he went from being basically unemployed to having something to do?

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 17/02/2023 15:48

He was unemployed regardless and had no income to contribute which you accepted.

Does he actually have no income and as he had no income the whole time? It sounds like he did some work?

I don't agree with pp re 50% saleable value given it sounds like there is no plan for ongoing child maintenance and kids have been school age for several years.

millymollymoomoo · 17/02/2023 15:48

He’s entitled to a fair share
in his case that could well be more than 50% including your idnsion if it went to court. Doesn’t matter that he didn’t really have a career to give up - many sahm dont either but still walk away with lions share

im not really getting where the deposit went but I think you will need to increase your offer

whats the child arrangements going forward ?

AlmostSummer21 · 17/02/2023 15:52

People say if it was myou that was the SAHP are missing the point that it is usually the woman and usually they end up with the children. It's not a like for like swap of roles here!

I think where the deposit came from originally is irrelevant now, given house moves & children & joint life decisions.

you say he hadn't contributed in the past two years except school runs. Has he looked after them after school? What about school holidays? When they're off sick etc?

what's the plan for that going forward?

rookiemere · 17/02/2023 15:53

It depends very much on how much is your pension worth, your salary and what age the DCs are. What will the custody arrangements be ?
I'm no expert on these things, but as an older woman I would say protect your pension as much as you can.

rookiemere · 17/02/2023 15:55

Sorry you did say what age the DCs are, so quite a few more years needing wraparound care just now. What are the ongoing childcare arrangements? who's picking them and dropping them to school these day ?

Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 16:04

There's no point in him trying to get an amount of money to buy a place of his own as that will never happen. He won't get a mortgage and we received 3 valuations of approx £160k for the house so even if we sold and split 50/50 it wouldn't be enough for him to get a 2 bed place to house him and the dc. Me buying him out means dc can stay in family home and he's in the same position he would be in anyway.

As soon as he told me about his affair he moved out, so not sure why his being a sahd gets him real points. I'm a teacher so school holidays have not been covered by him ever. I actually asked him if he was planning to take the dc off me and he said he considers me to be the main parent. He kept on doing mornings and afternoons with the dc for about 18 months but now I have them in wrap-around. He takes them to his mother's once a month or so for the weekend and sees them after school a couple of times a week for a few hours and the odd Sunday afternoon. He says once he gets a pay-out from me he will be able to rent a place to have them a couple of nights a week. He has started working but seems to change jobs a lot and says there is no way he can save a deposit for a rental.

I really don't see why he should get more than 50% of our assets when I have the dc? And my pension - he was the man who if I ever mentioned him not having a pension as a concern said that I should have married an accountant!

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 17/02/2023 16:13

Depends how far you or he want to take it really.

If it goes to court it will be a financial burden to you both.

The court will look at all assets including your pension and 50:50 at that point. Of course between now and when it actually gets to court there will be more equity in the house, so he would receive more.

It's a difficult one really but if I were you, I'd give him what he's asking for and be done with it.

Autumndays123 · 17/02/2023 16:15

And unfortunately no judge is not going to accept your argument of 'but I told him to take a pension out and he didn't'. It seems your choice is don't give him 20k but give him half your pension, or don't give him your pension and give him the 20k

Swipe left for the next trending thread