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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this fair? Paying back house deposit.

115 replies

lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 15:04

I am getting divorced after a ten year marriage and we are working on a settlement. stbx was unfaithful and was originally guilt-ridden and saying he wanted nothing, but now that's changed, maybe because ow has dumped him and he's in the shit. We've actually been separated 2 years but only now moving to a divorce. I've stayed in the family home and he is staying with friends.

I'm the main earner and he earns very little. He was a sahd as lack of career made it a no-brainer that he would do that role and not me. He's also 9 years older then me so no career not one he have up.

We have very little in terms of assets - a car probably not worth £2k that I need to get to work. About £30k house equity and no savings. I have quite a decent pension.

I can borrow £18k to take on the mortgage on my own (only my income was taken into account for it anyway) and he wants that minus fees plus £20k when the dc leave uni. HE doesn't want any of my pension as he thinks he's too old to really benefit (early 50s now).

I think it's too much - it's more than the assets we have now but he says because his dm gave us £60k 12 years ago when we first bought a house he's being more than fair. I think that shouldn't come into it as it's not my fault that's mainly gone - he made all our financial decisions when we were together and wasn't exactly great at it. Solicitor thinks we can negotiate him down but is also worried about a judge not signing off on it as he has nothing really and won't get a mortgage.

Any thoughts? With the additional mortgage payments now and him paying nothing for the dc I feel like I'm going to be subsidising him for ever now.

OP posts:
mybunniesandme · 17/02/2023 16:17

What's the value of your pension? As that will be up for grabs as a marital asset?

I earn a lot more than my ex but there is a reason why I wouldn't agree to him being a STAHD and this is why. I didn't care he had no career so long as he couldn't claim he gave it up to care for children which I'd benefit from.

My divorce is nearly agreed - no pension sharing (Mine is much bigger). Share of house equity but not half as I'm the primary resident parent for the children. He doesn't have much chance of getting a mortgage but owning a home isn't a right post divorce. He'll have to rent and maximise his earnings

Babooshka1990 · 17/02/2023 16:27

He’s entitled to half of assets NOW not money that has been spent years ago

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/02/2023 16:32

Given the house is worth £160k, I think he's (naively) offering you a good deal OP. He could easily start by asking for half the house so £80k plus half your pension. Yes, that might be reduced by a court or it might not!

He could actually qualify for legal aid for this divorce as he's at risk of homelessness (you say he's living with friends). If a solicitor gets involved for him, it will potentially cost you much more than he's asking for.

CharlotteRose90 · 17/02/2023 16:33

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/02/2023 16:32

Given the house is worth £160k, I think he's (naively) offering you a good deal OP. He could easily start by asking for half the house so £80k plus half your pension. Yes, that might be reduced by a court or it might not!

He could actually qualify for legal aid for this divorce as he's at risk of homelessness (you say he's living with friends). If a solicitor gets involved for him, it will potentially cost you much more than he's asking for.

This. He’s asking very little to what he’s actually entitled too.

mybunniesandme · 17/02/2023 16:36

There isn't £160k equity in the house - that's the value of the house. Equity is £30k

I'd pay him his extra £20k on the basis that his mother did provide a lump sum on the basis of no pension sharing

millymollymoomoo · 17/02/2023 16:37

Morally you are right
legally divorce us based on needs of both parties ( yours appear higher so weighted in your favour) and leaving g both parties on fairly level playing field going forward ( your ex needs more to achieve this)

it could go either way. You may see him as lazy guy who could t be bothered to work - but that’s irrelevant in eyes of the law. He’s entitled to a fair share of all assets - and that could be deemed to be 50% or more or less

you need to negotiate and be prepared to compromise

HazardaGuest · 17/02/2023 16:39

You owe him half the equity in the house and half your pension. The fact he doesn’t have a pension and is not ‘an accountant’ is irrelevant and doesn’t make you sound clever. If what he is asking for is less then bite his hand off and be grateful you can afford a clean break.

Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 16:40

But surely a judge wouldn't turn the dc out of their home just for him to have £80k to burn through and not actually buy a home with?

It just feels like I'm being treated like some kind of cash cow and made to be responsible for his shit life choices while also being solely responsible for our dc. Just feels so unfair and then he whinges about his £60k knowing perfectly well it doesn't exist anymore and why.

But yes, I know he could go for the pension but that just seems a long way off now. At the moment I'm more worried about paying for bloody everything for ever and my mortgage payments going up.

OP posts:
RB68 · 17/02/2023 16:42

if you can afford it take it and run. Think of the money wasted arguing over a small amount, he is likely entitled to your pension as well and could also argue for maintenance for him - if its 30K free and clear I would bite his hand off

Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 16:46

leaving g both parties on fairly level playing field going forward ( your ex needs more to achieve this)

This feels so unfair to me - we weren't on a level playing field on entering the marriage so why should it have to be so at the end? Maybe if I'd married him at 18 or something, but he was in his 40s when we got together and I was already ahead of him. (Yes, why did I marry him...?)

The fact he doesn’t have a pension and is not ‘an accountant’ is irrelevant and doesn’t make you sound clever.

I didn't think it made me sound clever - it's what he said to me and he bloody did think it made him sound clever (or unconventional or free or above boring things like pensions).

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 17/02/2023 16:46

No a judge wouldn't which is why he isn't 50% of everything because he isn't taking 50% custody of the kids....

The kids mean ALOT in terms of who takes what.

So back to my earlier question - what IS the plan for the children and child maintenance?

Original poster
lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 16:51

Thank you for all the responses by the way, I do appreciate them all.

The plan for children is that he wants to have them for 3 nights per week once he has a place of his own, which can't happen until he has money from the divorce. Maintenance has not really been discussed - he complains about having no money whenever I see him and sometimes by email too. The work he does is low paid and I don't hold out much hope of ever receiving much.

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 17/02/2023 16:56

lurchersforlife · 17/02/2023 15:40

And him contributing for the dc, or not, going forward? Does that not come into it or I'm supposed to just suck that up despite the fact that in being a sahd he went from being basically unemployed to having something to do?

Start listening to what you are being told before he goes for half your pension too.

BlueBellIris · 17/02/2023 16:57

OP be warned just because he says he doesn't want to touch your pension does not mean (a) he won't if you proceed to court and (b) the judge won't take into consideration when deciding what to do (and even make a pension sharing order). If you leave in the court's hands they have to do what is fair when considering all the factors of s 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act.

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/02/2023 16:57

Whilst it may be morally unfair, legally it isn't. Unfortunately by marrying this dickhead and staying with him for 10 years, you've opened yourself up to this. All you can do is damage limitation and know that whatever price you pay, you will at least be rid of him.

pinkfondu · 17/02/2023 16:58

Where the deposit came from is irrelevant it try to sort it yourselves as a solicitor will tell he is stupid not to go for your pension

ChestyLaRue21 · 17/02/2023 17:07

I’d give him what he’s looking for on with the condition that he doesn’t come after you for anything else. Once that is done and dusted, go after him for maintenance. You can then prove he has 18k in the bank and he can’t cry poor.

I know it seems unfair but you married him knowing he was bringing very little to the table and you must have known he’d be entitled to 50% of assets if you divorced?

Chalk it down to experience - 38k is a bargain to be rid of the cheating deadbeat.

MadeForThis · 17/02/2023 17:09

He could go for half your pension.
He could offer to take the money in the equity instead. If you have a very large pension he could get a lot more than Im he is asking for.
3 nights isn't far off 50/50 so he wont be due much in maintenance on a low income.

Speak to a solicitor but you are probably getting off lightly.

Autumndays123 · 17/02/2023 17:09

ChestyLaRue21 · 17/02/2023 17:07

I’d give him what he’s looking for on with the condition that he doesn’t come after you for anything else. Once that is done and dusted, go after him for maintenance. You can then prove he has 18k in the bank and he can’t cry poor.

I know it seems unfair but you married him knowing he was bringing very little to the table and you must have known he’d be entitled to 50% of assets if you divorced?

Chalk it down to experience - 38k is a bargain to be rid of the cheating deadbeat.

Lol child maintenance isn't calculated on how much money you have in the bank.

ChestyLaRue21 · 17/02/2023 17:13

Im in Ireland and we have to provide a statement of means from both sides for a child maintenance order? Is that not the case in the UK?

Viviennemary · 17/02/2023 17:17

I think the £60k his Mum gave you very much comes into it. He needs to get a

gogohmm · 17/02/2023 17:17

If you have a decent pension he's not touching then hes being more than fair

kweeble · 17/02/2023 17:30

He would only be able to claim half of any any pension built while he was married to you and possibly looking after children / living with you as husband and wife. As the eldest is 9 and he left 2 years ago I don’t think he’d be able to claim much of your pension; it could be half of 6 years at a maximum.
He could say he wants you to pay him maintenance - a judge suggested this to us due to a difference in income but wouldn’t be fair as you are supporting his children.

WishIdDoneItYearsAgo · 17/02/2023 17:33

There no point in you basically thinking he’s useless and feckless now when he’s clearly always been this way. Why did you procreate with this man? I never for the life of me understand why women get involved with men like this. Surely you spend years making sure he’s up to the job before having kids?
Personally, I’d pay him the money and be done with it all. Get him out your life, financially at least.

MySugarBabyLove · 17/02/2023 17:34

Child maintenance has no bearing on the settlement. He is required to pay that regardless.

Ultimately, he is entitled to 50% of your joint assets going forward, and that means your pension as a starting point.

If he doesn’t want to go after your pension then I wouldn’t challenge the rest, because if he does, then he will get it. And you don’t need a solicitor to draw up a consent order.

However, if the financial split is seen to be unfair by a judge then they won’t sign off on the consent order so bear that in mind.

You’re not entitled to more than him. He’s entitled to half the equity, so you will either need to buy him out or sell the house. Whether he can afford to buy somewhere with that entitlement is not relevant, and neither is whether he will be paying child maintenance in the future.

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