Advice about divorcing a high earner

[Fedupnowhadenough]

Hi my husband earns about £400,000 a year plus more in bonuses. I earn £20,000 a year and work part time.

We have 3 school age kids (infant and primary).

I have no savings etc, don’t know about him as we have separate bank accounts. He pays all bills, mortgage etc

If I was to leave him, does anyone know roughly what my financial position would be? He obviously earns so much more than me, and I just don’t know how I would survive financially if I was to leave 😢

He isn’t abusive, just a shit parent and doesn’t help or support me with the children in any way whatsoever apart from financially. We rarely have sex, I do all the parenting etc.

The basic starting point is that assets will be split 50-50. That includes savings, pensions, house etc. Could you access any of this information eg how much is owing on the mortgage, what savings and pension he has etc.

Assuming you are primary carer, he will also pay you CMS. There is an online calculator for this which tells you what he will pay based on income and how many nights he has the children.

Instead of divorce why don't you ask him to quit the career that supports a family of 5 and instead earn £20k so you can have all the sex and split childcare?

It's terrible that you want the money from the career that keeps him out of the home but not him so are using that career against him.

I'm by far the higher earner (currently on maternity leave) and if my DH tried this I'd use my money to take the kids and the house from him!

@mnchat you have totally misinterpreted my post. It’s me that doesn’t want to have sex.

Im well aware that he works extremely hard and pays for everything, that’s why I’m worried about how I will cope financially 🙄

My post is about feeling emotionally unsupported and not willing to stay in a relationship where my only motivation to stay is money!

I want to be with someone who values me, respects me and supports me. Which he doesn’t

I found my high earning ex gave up work/ worked abroad/ put money into pensions so I was financially fucked for a bit. I work and claim UC, he now pays maintenance but at a lesser rate than cms would suggest but I don't want to rock the boat tbh. I did keep the house, luckily mortgage is small and affordable. Is your name on the house/ mortgage? I'd certainly do a bit of financial digging to see where things stand before you make decisions.

Go speak to a solicitor they will be able to give you more accurate information. Also you will need to find as much financial information as possible so he doesn't start hiding money.

Look at what qualifications and experience you have
Can you up skill now?
Start applying for better paid jobs- is £20k full time (if so it is minimum age)

Get yourself into a decent working position asap

Wow that's judgmental!

My job is only part time due to childcare but I could easily go full time if we split, which I would do. That would take me to £32,000

These responses are making me think I should just put up and shut up! I wonder if replies would be the same if he was a low earner and unsupportive?

Im not disputing the fact he works hard, but I have given up many career opportunities to prioritise his career, and am now left in this situation!

There are some absolutely batshit comments on here. Plenty of high earners are in that position because the other partner takes on the lion's share of caring responsibilities, and running of the house. In OPs case, she does that and works, albeit for a lower wage.

I'm the much higher earner albeit not in the realms of your DH

My STBEXH earns around your current salary

Starting point will be half the house but since you can perhaps demonstrate you sacrificed your earnings potential for the children then you'd possibly get more

Difference for me is that STBEXH wasn't impacted career wise by our children.

Pensions up for negotiation too starting point 50/50 - my STBEXH has agreed not to make a claim on my pension if he gets half the house and I'm ok with that given he has paid half the mortgage since we bought it

You'll be expected to maximise your earnings potential though and that will mean going full time

If he wants 50/50 custody you won't get CMS.

Don't listen to them. Money doesn't make up for emotional neglect and an empty marriage.

Start saving, my situation financially is similar. Squirrel a bit of your money away each week. At least you'll have something of your own to pay for legal advice etc.

Don't waste your life being unhappy. Good luck op.

@Fedupnowhadenough apologies if I've misinterpreted your post. Despite what @Alice65 may think I'm not a troll its just the number of threads on mn in one breath saying LTB (but take as much money as possible) when stbEX is the primary/only earner "just" because the earner can't be home as much whilst seemingly not appreciating that the only reason the low earner/sahp can do what they do is because they are being bankrolled. It's not right.

My DH would love to be a sahp but I've told him no. All DC will be in nursery/wrap around care because we can afford it plus if we ever divorced he could never call himself the primary carer.

Sorry for coming in hot.

100% agree with this. It's the ugly truth.

I wonder if your husband knows who he’s really married to. By the way, it’s really not in children’s interests to ‘use your money’ to take them away from their dad if he tries to seek a divorce. Let’s hope that he has a running away fund stashed away

You would be ok OP...you would get 50/50 most likely of the marriage assets and then he would also need to pay to support you financially. That's the truth of it. There is no reason to stay in a marriage if it makes you miserable. My only advice would be to try everything to make it work before you leave- as a child of divorced parents it's not a lot of fun for the kids. But as an adult I do understand that it was the right thing because nothing more could be done. Have you tried therapy, date nights, working a bit more, a bit more childcare, speaking to him openly?

With that level of income, can you outsource cleaning/nanny and focus on growing your own career so you don't feel so resentful? What are his working hours and responsibilities like?

Despite what @Alice65 may think I'm not a troll

Fair enough. I still think your initial post was awful- the lower earner has every right to understand their financial position in case of divorce. Threatening to take the children away in response to this is abusive. No one is telling OP here to LTB- that's up to her.

I’m wondering why you work when he earns 400k!!

is he tight?

Get as much information on his earnings, saving and pension and photocopy them. Then speak to him, tell him your not happy and want a divorce. Maybe he would be willing to continue to pay the mortgage and let you stay there with the children, with an amicable agreement? On that salary he could easily rent and see the children at weekends? He may be just as unhappy and looking for a way out that harms the children the least.

I think with such a large salary difference, you need a solicitor to fight for a good deal for you if he won't move out willingly.

For exactly this reason- if the marriage ends then it’s not a good idea to have no source of income of your own. Not just divorce actually, but if the higher earner were to die or become too ill to work. No, the much lower earner isn’t going to be able to support the same lifestyle as the higher earner was but it’s still a salary. Also, for self-esteem, personal satisfaction/ sense of achievement.

As I understand it there are 2 aspects – Divorce and Financial Settlement.
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079
When splitting the assets of a marriage…
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25 applies

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen. The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40. Section 25 sets out things the court considers in splitting the assets of a marriage and the court requires financial settlement to be fair and reasonable.

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce
Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Hope this is helpful. Caveat – this is not my profession.
Legal advice should be sought.

This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

If you are divorcing someone with an income of £400k and associated wealth you see a solicitor. Lots of basic advice won’t apply to you. Like putting in a cms claim. They don’t deal with that kind of salary. Your needs will be defined in a completely different way from the average person. Your solicitor will know how to claim his fees from the marital pot.

The difference being that if statistics hold true, presumably you're still the one doing the majority of domestic/caring work. Apologies if as a couple you're the rare exception.