Advice about divorcing a high earner

[Fedupnowhadenough]

Hi my husband earns about £400,000 a year plus more in bonuses. I earn £20,000 a year and work part time.

We have 3 school age kids (infant and primary).

I have no savings etc, don’t know about him as we have separate bank accounts. He pays all bills, mortgage etc

If I was to leave him, does anyone know roughly what my financial position would be? He obviously earns so much more than me, and I just don’t know how I would survive financially if I was to leave 😢

He isn’t abusive, just a shit parent and doesn’t help or support me with the children in any way whatsoever apart from financially. We rarely have sex, I do all the parenting etc.

@mnchat hmm it's certainly food for thought. I reluctantly went back to work at my DH's insistence, earn 30% more than he did and we then agreed he would give up work altogether. I miss the kids and never see him or them because work is hard. So I'd be absolutely fucked if he asked for a divorce, he'd be taking 50% just because he wanted me to go back to work...

Depends on how long you were married and if any of you brought money I to marriage. If a long marriage or over 10 years you tend to get more, if a short marriage under 5 years you tend to get less.

He might if he can prove that he can do it- they are in school
Family and paid childcare is often fine to supplement him

I think you need a mindset re-alignment. We have a friend going through a divorce at the moment. Now, to be fair, he has been a bit of a doormat about things, but he stands to be pretty financially f*cked because his ExW just has this mindset that she’s entitled to things… and it’s working!

2x primary age DCs, she doesn’t work (and has made clear she doesn’t want to. When they had DCs she wanted to be a FTM and she’s insisting it stays that way). He’s asking for the house to be sold as there’s no other way to get equity to pay her the % of their joint assets she’s asking for (70-60%ish) but I think she’ll resist it. He is expecting for her to achieve this sort of % of marital assets AND he’s expecting to pay her spousal maintenance till the DCs are grown. I think he’s being spineless, but he just wants to get things over so he can move on and try to get a house closer to the DCs school. And, she hired a SHL, who has been invoicing HIM for every bill. She, somehow, hasn’t paid a penny.

Have you tried marriage counselling? We did. Amongst other things, ended up getting a housekeeper 20 hours a week (and that it is on a lower household income than you). Saved our marriage! I have come to the realisation that my DH is not a great parent. But the kids love him and they love the security of our family home.

(*lower household income than you, not lower than £20k)

Wow.

Strangers on here cannot advise you properly OP. Some in particular are clearly projecting their own agenda.

Only you can decide if the marriage is over. If it is, make an appointment with a reputable Family solicitor. They will give you accurate independent advice on your options.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

I feel that most of the responses are ignoring that she works part time so she can do the bulk of the childcare, he earns £400,000 and she has no savings and no idea what he does with his money.

That's not a hard working family man providing for his family and its so sad his wife doesn't love him anymore. That's a red flag for potential financial abuse.

I'm not sure this is particularly unreasonable...presumably they made a joint decision for her not to work to raise their children whilst he was free to pursue his career unencumbered by day to day childcare. They have broken up and she is left without a career to fall back on having spent a lot of time caring for their children. He agreed to it when it suited him but now it doesn't suit him because they are getting divorced he wants to have his cake and eat it by sending her back into the workplace where she wouldn't have even a tiny bit of the earning power he does and when it would mean giving up time with her children.

I'm not surprised she is resisting selling the family home. If you possibly can you should try to stay in the family home to minimise disruption for the children as much as you can.

Chances are he would be taking more than 50%. He is the primary carer, he might not be able to work FT and his income would be low. He would need a bigger share of the assets to get a comparable home.

@LemonTT yes but he'd only need any of that because he chose to give up work and look after the kids as a result of me doing a job I hate that earns more. It was a new job I took at his insistence. Dunno would just seem like a kick in the teeth really. But hopefully stays theoretical!

This is such a damaging and antiquated view. She’s absolutely entitled to want a relationship with actual emotion in it. This is why women should prioritise financial independence so they don’t have to be “kept” by a man.

@singlemomof3 so glad someone can see reason on mn.
@Cherryblossoms85 on mn it seems women as the higher earner is the minority so don't see the irony in penalising people for having a career. Like you I'd be screwed despite the fact I give as much time as I can the fact is because I'm the higher earner if DD needs early nursery pick-up he'll go.

@Alice65 my comment about taking the kids was a hypothetical situation . I was saying if DH tried to use the fact I was working a lot (providing for our family) as a reason for divorce and justification for taking half my earnings/assets to "keep him" in a lifestyle . I'd fight dirty.

Not every sahp gave up their earning potential. Some wanted to be sahp others were never going to be high earning. Wh

Yeah, I don’t disagree with the principle really. My DH is divorced and there was no question in that situation - the DCs would be able to stay in the family home. Never considered re them moving. But the home was… proportionate. And there were other assets available to my DH to make things fair.

But our friend and his ExW made several joint decisions and commitments to each other… his ExW has shat all over a lot of those (love… faithfulness…) and the house is not “proportionate”. It’s a trophy house, with most of the marital equity in it and a chunky mortgage that will shortly get pretty expensive. Both parties need to be able to have a home, income, capital available to them… he can’t fund two homes on his income (he’s not a high earner, sorry, should have said. 40% tax rate, but not close to 45%), can’t continue to live with family perpetually.

Lots of projection there, but just trying to make a point that a lot can be achieved by being assertive. Replace entitled with assertive.

I’m not interested in another relationship!

We have been together 15 years, married 13. Things changed for me when I discovered he was on the verge of an affair after our last baby had just been born, it’s changed how I feel about him.

I am super aware that he has a high powered very pressured job, I have supported him over the years to get to the level he is at now. I don’t resent him at all for the hours he puts in doing this job, but I do resent when he is at home that he does fuck all to help me and ignores the children and let’s me just do all the parenting. He reads the odd story, that’s it.

I know a lot of people will think I’m being ridiculous, but I have just had enough. Theres
more to it than this, but I haven’t got time now to get into the ins and outs

And just because he earns a shit load doesn’t mean that I should stay in a marriage that is making me unhappy.

But I don’t want to upset my children, because they adore him! Urgh

@mnchat Ah, I took your "tried something like this" to mean "tried to get advice on his financial situation in the event of divorce", so I retract some of my outrage. I still don't think access to children is something that should be used like that though, however dirty you want to fight, if only because it's in the children's interest to stay in touch with their father.

Actually I generally agree with you about comments on here re working too hard/ not doing 50-50 childcare and housework as grounds for divorce. It is unfair to divorce someone for spending too much time at the office then expect to maintain a lifestyle that can only be afforded through that level of work. I also think MN commenters are sometimes unaware of what these very highly rewarded jobs require (helpful comments on other threads suggesting a husband simply "cuts his hours" in order to do more at home, for example). However, I don't get the sense that this is where OP is at all- I understood her post to be simply her trying to get a grip on her situation in a marriage which isn't working and in which she has only a very limited view of the family finances.

That’s exactly it @Alice65

So he is working probably really long hours so that you can mostly stay home and care for the children. And you expect him to also continue working at home?
Try getting a 400k job. It is harder than raising a child. Because otherwise everyone would get a job like that..

The system in England is deeply unfair as we can read from many of these posts. It grossly incentives to be lazy and stay at home.

Pls do not get married if you are the higher earner!!

He would pay to support his children if no 50/50 childcare. Courts look for a clean break so it is unlikely she would get alimony (other than possibly for a short interim period).

I’m really surprised by the responses on this thread. If you posted to say - “my husband does nothing round the house or with the children and nearly had an affair but is a high earner. I don’t love him anymore. Should I stay for the money?” Everyone would say no.

I agree on not giving up on marriage without trying hard to make it work but we’ve no idea what OP has done to try to make it work or how viable that is. Also agree that a higher earner shouldn’t be penalised indefinitely for not being able to have the children so much of the time during the marriage - the children’s needs should be the priority but that includes maintaining a relationship with their dad in most cases. I was more concerned about my ex disappearing from the children’s lives than going for 50/50 though!

I would say you certainly need legal advice at that level of income just because finances get complicated once you earn that much.

You need to work out what your ex’s assets are before knowing what you might get. You might need professional help with that if your husband is un-cooperative.

You’ll probably get at least half the assets and child maintenance if you have children more than 50% of the time. Maybe spousal maintenance but probably not long term. You may get more like 60% of assets.

If you can stay calm and amicable and resolve things between yourselves do so. Going to court is horrible for everyone concerned, tends to wreck your co-parenting relationship and is expensive. It’s a last resort.

It’s sometimes possible to get a better settlement out of court than you would in it. My ex, for all his flaws, is quite generous with / disinterested in money and wanted to make sure his children were provided for financially (though is mostly disinterested in them otherwise so genuinely didn’t want 50/50). Equally I never wanted to take him for everything I could get financially. I knew if I did that we could end up unable to be in the same room and that that would have a huge impact on the children long term.

Hopefully your joint assets should be sufficient to set you up after divorce whatever split you get given your husband’s level of earnings.

I took your "tried something like this" to mean "tried to get advice on his financial situation in the event of divorce", so I retract some of my outrage.

@Alice65 I can see why that would elicit feeling of outrage. So glad we both had the opportunity to clarify.

This guy needs an absolute kick up arse and stand up himself, the eX W should get a job and kick the spousal maintenance into touch, as for paying the bills,, sod that.

A friend of mine is getting divorced and his ex has asking for spousal maintenance, they went to court & it was refused