Advice about divorcing a high earner

[Fedupnowhadenough]

Hi my husband earns about £400,000 a year plus more in bonuses. I earn £20,000 a year and work part time.

We have 3 school age kids (infant and primary).

I have no savings etc, don’t know about him as we have separate bank accounts. He pays all bills, mortgage etc

If I was to leave him, does anyone know roughly what my financial position would be? He obviously earns so much more than me, and I just don’t know how I would survive financially if I was to leave 😢

He isn’t abusive, just a shit parent and doesn’t help or support me with the children in any way whatsoever apart from financially. We rarely have sex, I do all the parenting etc.

No he wouldnt have to pay support
50/50 care- they are at school and he can afford excellent childcare and a house large enough for them and childcare

FFS- let set women back 50 years
independence
pride self respect
enjoying work
wanting to make a difference
wanting to be not just a mum
2 x £400k is better than 1
(possibility of divorce and age 55 living in a bedsit or rented house)

Only a claim if not 50/50
most high earners that I have known have gone for 50/50- they can afford the childcare

Only you can answer that. Get a spreadsheet and input your monthly take home.

Add in all your essential expenses and see what you are left with.

But I do believe that yes, with 20K/annum you can survive fine. People survive on far less.

Personally I'd stay and make practical and emotional plans to leave when the youngest child moved out.

As a single parent with a job too and possibly an ex in the picture I'm not sure your prospects on getting a good partnership going.

I'd use the time to focus on the kids and save for my exit.

You need to (quietly) go see a solicitor because on MN you will get hundred opinions presented as fact.

I believe that the default assumption would be 50/50 of all assets and he'd then pay CM. This could vary however based on earnings, the willingness of one or both parties to fight (and men seem to fight HARD), other factors such as whether you genuinely gave up career options, needs of the children etc. And in theory, a settlement can and should be negotiated.

So you need to make sure you know what you're doing and go from there.

Please don't do this because the longer you stay, the more likely it is that you will be disadvantaged long term and the less time you will have to build a future career and financial stability for yourself.

The only exception I guess might be if you can make it so that you are squirrelling away significant savings during this time by getting hi to pay for everything else. But I dn't think that seems like a good idea.

You think it's easier to establish a new career being a single parent than it is living in a home that's all paid for?

What seems to missing from all this is it seems you haven’t talked to your husband about this? Could you explain how you are feeling and see where you go from there.

On this forum I feel so many women admit their partners aren’t bad, they just feel unsupported, and the first thing everyone wants to do is jump ship.

I always think you should try and work things out and leaving is like proper last resort.

She's not going to establish a new career while he has the high flying job and she's doing all the childcare. if they divorce now, and she gets a share of the assets and CM etc, and he takes the DC for some of the time, she's actually in a position to take control of her own life. To be clear, I'm certainly not suggesting she walk away with nothing now. I'm just saying do it now. eg if she gets the marital home now, that's an asset that twill appreciate and hopefully if she's got no mortgage that will facilitate her being able to do more over the next few years. And be happier.

Because a man is not a plan !
It is wise to keep in employment to insure a future.

You have young children, it’s a hard time for any marriage. Before you give up on the whole thing, what have you done together to repair? Does he know you’re feeling so bad you’d want a divorce? How does he feel? Could you do counselling together? What was your relationship like before children? It’s not all about the money but divorce is big and a huge upheaval for children, surely you want to do everything possible to save the marriage first?

Does she want to see her children even less than she does now?

Tbh I would try to make your marriage work if I was you, your quality of living will be so bad compared to what you are used to at the moment.

I agree. It's a commitment and stability for the children. If there's no love I'd just view it as a contract instead of uprooting children, missing out on time with them, and focusing on finding another bloke.

It's a commitment that should be honoured unless it's dangerous to do so.

You can get a new shag when your children are all grown up.

@glowtorch

Agree

So he's a bit crap at parenting and there's a lack of sex. 🤔 not really the be all and end all? TBH if he's earning £400k presumably he's not sat on his arse 37 hours a week doing nothing for that wage and he has a certain amount level of responsibility / challenge / stress that comes along with it?

With that type of income CMS rules do not apply. She needs to apply for a court ruling and the precedents that apply will be different because lifestyle issues do apply.

I'd just prioritise the children. If we bring children into this world then a stable family is optimal and unless it's essential you dissipate that I do believe it should be honoured for their sake.

All this I want to find love stuff it neither here nor there. It's the children who deserve priority but ironically on mumsnet children come after personal feelings and careers in the list of priorities.

Should be called bossladynet or something else that isn't about being a mother first and foremost.

@OldMotherShipton surely he wouldn't get 50/50 childcare if OP is currently doing the majority of it and he works a lot? Wouldn't he need to pay to support her financially too given the sacrifices she has made to her career to support him? I'm fairly sure there's some case law on that or at least that it would play into the division of assets.

It’s not about “getting a new shag”. People can leave marriages and stay single, you know.

It really is though isn't it. "I want someone who loves and respects me"

If a man is keeping you and providing a life without being an arse about it that is love and respect.

We all know what this is about.

It's age dependent.

If the OP was 50+ yes.

However if the OP is under 45 then no as she has over 20 years of working life left. She is expected to support herself.

However I'm ignoring the division of assets here.

The family courts don't care about any of that. They care about the children having equal access to their parents which means 50/50 ideally.

It's horrible for children. Children want a stable home and a family.

If we make the mistake of being with the wrong person and aren't in danger I think we need to suck it up and make a new life once the obligation to children at home is over.

@glowtorch i think the courts will be more concerned with what is less disruptive to the children who are used to having their mother around more. If her DH works long hours and is rarely around for the parenting, judges aren’t going to favour giving him shared care.

I don’t think anyone should stay in a marriage they aren’t happy in. Yes, try to make it work, and if that isn’t fruitful, then divorce.

Being a single parent is tough but preferable to being in a dead, soul-destroying marriage, if it has got to that. I don’t think that’s a healthy relationship set up to model to your children either. If it’s at that stage - dead in the water - then leave...

I guess half of everything you have, including savings, assets and pensions ect. You'd also be entitled to child support I believe.

Best speaking to a solicitor and going from there, the law changed around divorce recently where you don't need to prove fault so should be easy to get the ball rolling.

Is he likely to want to give up half of everything? If not prepare for a long and usually nasty process.