Separation rather than divorce - can we still sell house and split equity?

[User0610134057]

Am 2 months on from telling DH I want to separate. It’s been horrific and he is still struggling to accept it. Sometimes there’s glimpses of acceptance but it’s 2 steps forward 1 step back. We are in counselling which will hopefully help but his mental state is all over the place.

my question today is that one of the things he has asked is if we can separate rather than divorce? I don’t care too much about the legalities I just need to get myself and the Dc into our own home asap because the environment here is not good. He won’t voluntarily move out and rent somewhere: I can’t afford to rent somewhere for me and the 3dc. I can’t leave them with him especially because of his mental state at the moment and he can’t cope with them on his own for very long.

we need to sell the house and agree the equity split. Can we do that if we ‘just’ separate rather than divorce? I would rather go straight for the divorce but need to keep him on side as much as possible. Or would it be a bad idea as it wouldn’t be a legal agreement?

And I don’t want to stay in the family home, we’re lucky in that (if we can sell it) there should be enough equity for us both to get somewhere big enough.
Although another slightly separate issue is he is proposing something like a 1/3 2/3 split jn his favour due to inheritance and that won’t be enough for me to house myself and the Dc.
just not sure what the mechanism would be for discussing and agreeing this stuff if it’s just for separation rather than divorce? Would we still use mediation?

I don’t know the answer to your question. I am divorcing but we considered separating briefly. What you suggest sounds reasonable, but you will mostly be told to check with your solicitor.

Tactically, it might be worth agreeing to separation then when appropriate push for divorce. Just check it out legally first

As a for instance, my husband wanted to separate at first. He has a pension which can’t be split unless we divorce. If we only separated he would have to promise to give me my share each month. But this would mean him paying all the tax on it, and mean me promising to recompense him. He then said he wanted to divorce.

Talk to a solicitor asap. Don’t wait around for him to decide what’s happening, take the initiative now. You have your DCs to consider and clearly your marriage is over.

You can get a legal separation agreement that specifies equity split. The problem is the argument over 1/3 2/3 split. It doesn't sound like it's going to be quick, easy or cheap to resolve.

Do you have any other substantial assets? I mean is there something you could offer him in return for going 50/50 on the house? The more you can resolve this informally and amicably, the less you will need to get tied up in potentially and years and certainly thousands of pounds in two sets of solicitors' fees.

I can see a serious conflict arising between your desire for haste and ease, and the inherently complicated nature of the process. I wouldn't personally want to hurry or compromise that process given the unpredictable nature of peoples' emotions in situations like this. What happens if you get midway through a house sale and purchase and then he decides he doesn't want to separate after all, or gets angry and takes it out on you financially?

Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear.

Thank you
no I don’t think there’s much else substantial- I know we need to get our pensions valued, I’d thought his would be worth much more as he’s a very high earner compared to me but mine is public sector and he only started working at a relatively old age (33) as was in academia first.
totally take on board about the drawn out/expensive process and I want to avoid that at almost all costs. Am prepared to walk away with less than half even though I know legally if we went through a battle I’d get more. As long as there’s enough to get a house that’s the main thing and I think when it comes to it it he will compromise if he feels he’s doing me a favour rather than being forced to. It’s just whether we go through all that for a separation agreement or I risk angering him by going straight for divorce

I had one initial chat with a solicitor but there was so much to cover. I will try to get another appointment somewhere

You can do what you like with your own assets.

When he is saying about an uneven split because of inheritance what does he mean? Did some inheritance of his go to buy the house? Or are you in line for some?

Be really careful when you say you just want enough to buy a house. Three children are expensive - don't take less in your rush to get out (although understandable that you want to sort this quickly!)

Also I would divorce because I don't think you can lock down the finances without actually divorcing.

It sounds like you might want to use a financial mediator to help you reach an agreement. My solicitor recommended one to me and she helped talk us through the options. Much cheaper than going through courts.

The inheritance thing is that his parents have both passed away (the second one 10 yrs ago) and so he wants to take out what was passed on from them over the years before splitting things 50/50, there’s a thread in this section I had about it before with the main message really being to get legal advice. But I am very sure now I don’t want a court battle.
at the moment he is resistant to either of us speaking to a solicitor or using mediation even but obviously I know he can’t stop me taking advice.

i just want to get the house on the market asap. Who knows how long it might take to sell in this climate. I think I would be ok with perhaps 40% but all depends on house prices as a % fall in the market will mean in real terms a bigger impact on our house than the sort of houses I’m looking to buy. My earnings are low (I am full time) and he is so all over the place that even though he’s a high earner now his job is unstable so I can’t bank on maintenance going forward plus of course he may actually come through on the 50/50 childcare thing although I doubt it. But I don’t want to be reliant on maintenance so ideally need not to have a mortgage. I wouldn’t be able to borrow much at all anyway.

Make sure you get advice on what separation but no divorce means for future assets and divorce. You will need a will otherwise he will be entitled to your assets if you die and vice versa.

Sorry mean to say future assets and future debts

Its highly likely that you would get more than 50% due to you having the kids more. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t go through a solicitor.
And there’s no saying that he won’t marry again, so your kids inheritance could be less from him. Think of yours, and your kids future.

There are a couple of family lawyers in here, Collaborate and PRH....

The reality is that you can separate and have a separation agreement which is no different to what you would do if getting divorced, except that when you do divorce it has to be incorporated into a consent order. My understanding is there is a small chance it could be revisited if you hadn't divorced if a substantial change of circumstances arose.

Neither process is going to be quick at all. Frankly if you are sure then go for divorce or you will put yourself through it twice

I understand what you’re saying Kenny but he has told me he would fight it “all the way” through court even if a solicitor advised him things wouldn’t go his way, and I believe he would do that given how he is.

so then it would be potentially £100,000s on that process and the money would be gone anyway

I am sure
but he is unhinged, sorry that’s not a nice word but I don’t know how else to describe it. He says things then changes his mind, he’s all over the place. I need for him to feel this is somehow on his terms otherwise he will be so so vindictive.

I’m so scared that he just won’t agree to do anything if I push him. Then we won’t be able to sell the house for months and months until we go through court, and will have to stay living together.

How does he feel about his kids and how they are homed? To me splitting things more equitably means the kids are decently housed and looked after and most likely you are aiming to leave your estate to them? Can you put this to him in a more articulate way? It's not like you will be getting a stack of cash to blow.

Just Separating means you will still be his wife forever. You won’t be able to remarry (obviously) and I wonder what it means for next of kin decisions, life insurance and assets when one of you dies.

If the sole reason for not divorcing is that he can’t cope with the idea, you’re not helping either of you. He’s already trying to do you down financially so I doubt you’re going to get to a settlement agreement without spending a lot of money and arguing. You need to think of your children and yourself and just get out of that situation asap. A controlling man with mental health problems is a very poor environment in which to spend the next few months/years.

If he’s such a high earner and has no ability to look after the children you will surely be able to claim decent maintenance for them while this all gets sorted.

Surely there is a risk that you split your assets then he (or you) piss away your half then when you make the divorce official in the future any judge will insist on equalising what is left by redistributing 'your' half. Whatever you agree to at this point needs to be locked down legally. The problem here is that you don't know what you could get without the wider process. In a court case I don't think they would give your oh his inheritance back it would simply become part of the marriage assets and split accordingly.

Could you use him not wanting to divorce as leverage to get a fairer deal for you?

It would be an immensely bad idea to just split the equity in the property outside a full financial agreement, which also considers all other major assets.

Also, you need to sort out child arrangements - will they be living with him 50/50?

You can do both those things without divorce if you seek a judicial separation.

The mess you don't want to be in is to be still financially tied to someone.

It might be better to find ways to make your current living arrangements tolerable, whilst sorting out the basics of your legal and financial affairs

Not sure if this will help at all but we did what you are proposing 12 ish years ago. We sold our house, I bought a smaller one for me and our two DC's and he bought another one. We are still married but I have a will that gives my DC's the house when I die.

The DC's are older now (obviously!) so our lives and finances are very separate. People say I could have got a lot more had we divorced years ago but honestly for my mental health it was the best thing for me and the boys. If you can get to a point where you really don't care if he has more pension or whatever, then it's a good place to be. I might feel differently if he was very wealthy but as he's not it has worked for me. We have no formal agreement which perhaps is foolish for some people but I was and am happy that I don't have a mortgage and no financial ties to husband.

We did - separated immediately, took 14 months to sell the house but had a separation agreement in place when we split , didn’t divorce for another 4 years. Mostly because he is a controlling twat but I realised all I needed was separation.

Thank you
lots to think about.
In my heart really I want to divorce but I also just want to live separately as soon as possible.

in terms of how he feels about the kids - he has said to me once when he was upset that they are meaningless to him without me. Sums it up really. He is unable to put their needs first and that was the case before I told him about wanting to separate. He is extremely self absorbed.

However he will want to be seen to do the ‘right thing’ and therefore will I think want to ‘help me’ buy a decent house. That’s my best hope, if a solicitor/mediator/court tries to tell him what to do he will dig his heels in. He has to feel that it’s his idea.

@User0610134057 Just wanted to add that I probably made it all sound so easy and amicable but it wasn't really like that. I just wanted you to know that it can be done as I have done/am doing it. I said that we wouldn't get divorced to placate him and said lots of other things too which made it sound like a good deal for him financially.

It was what I wanted and needed at the time and feel that it was the right thing for me and the DC's too. Good luck x

Your comment about him not starting his working life until he was 33 made me wonder if you supported him until then.