Separation rather than divorce - can we still sell house and split equity?

[User0610134057]

Am 2 months on from telling DH I want to separate. It’s been horrific and he is still struggling to accept it. Sometimes there’s glimpses of acceptance but it’s 2 steps forward 1 step back. We are in counselling which will hopefully help but his mental state is all over the place.

my question today is that one of the things he has asked is if we can separate rather than divorce? I don’t care too much about the legalities I just need to get myself and the Dc into our own home asap because the environment here is not good. He won’t voluntarily move out and rent somewhere: I can’t afford to rent somewhere for me and the 3dc. I can’t leave them with him especially because of his mental state at the moment and he can’t cope with them on his own for very long.

we need to sell the house and agree the equity split. Can we do that if we ‘just’ separate rather than divorce? I would rather go straight for the divorce but need to keep him on side as much as possible. Or would it be a bad idea as it wouldn’t be a legal agreement?

No that wasn’t the case, he is 9 years older than me and his parents supported him during his PhD plus he did some casual work for the university. We got together when he was 30 and I was 21.

i didn’t really finish what I was saying about the pensions but meant to say that I started in a public sector job at 23/24 so have 18 yrs or so of local government pension albeit with part time hours and not massive salary.

he only started his pension around 33 (also about 18 yrs ago) and has had high earnings and been full time but it’s a private scheme. I’d thought his pension would be worth much more but potentially now have been told maybe not as mine is public sector. But of course we will need to get them valued properly.

Can I jump on the back of this and ask anyone who may know. See if you’ve left your job to look after your year old child and ex now wants to sell the house and split it equally? Could I potentially be looking for more than a 50% split on the house due to the fact I’m not working and will have our child the majority of the time.
I do have a solicitor appointment booked for next week but would like to know in the meantime if it’s as simple as a 50/50 split on that basis?

My ex wanted to separate not divorce and he drew up a handwritten agreement that he wanted me to sign. I went to a solicitor for advice and ex was really angry as he wanted us to make an arrangement ourselves.

The solicitor told me it was better to divorce straight away and his proposals were not in my interest anyway.

My ex sounds like yours in that he was deliberately difficult and we had a very messy divorce which cost thousands in legal fees including court.

It sounds like in your case you would be putting off the inevitable although I understand you just want to get away from him.

Get legal advice anyway as every couple’s situation is different.

Can you start by just trying to get a complete picture of all your finances. Get the house valued, details on savings and get your pension valued.

@Myownworstenemy12 I think there may be many factors in that, so definitely get legal advice, but I have got about a 55% share in my divorce settlement, plus a greater share of savings.

The is a helpful post
and this thread will be useful to you www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079

Thank you all.

one of the main issues is that he says he is set on 50/50 care which if it is was feasible and kids were happy would be fine, but I think he’s being unrealistic given his working hours and how little he currently does with them. Any suggestion of mine of building up to that is met with anger. But eldest dd is 14.5 and I know she won’t want to go on school nights or half the time at the moment, unless he does some serious bridge building and works up to it. It wouldn’t matter really only all his views about splitting assets etc are based on us having the kids 50/50 when I don’t honestly think that’s how it’s going to play out. I know there’s nothing I can do except nod and smile and keep reassuring him I’ll do everything I can to facilitate and encourage his relationship with them and 50:50 would be great for me work wise and socialising so he can crack on then let him to come to his own conclusion in time. But it is frustrating as it affects the division of stuff.

he refuses to say how he would manage 50/50 when he works very long hours and is generally out of the house 7am - 8pm and just says that’s his problem to work out.

i know it comes from a place of fear that if I live separately with the DC they won’t want to spend time with him. And I will encourage them as much as I can but it’s frustrating as that is a real possibility because of his dis-interest in them and inability to ever put them first thus far.

He has at least last night agreed I can get the house valued and we”ll look into getting pensions valued. But he’s still proposing basically a 70/30 split in his favour because of inheritance/gifts from his parents which he thinks should be ring fenced for him then the remaining split 50/50.

I just don’t see how else you’re going to manage splitting up fairly and properly unless you get divorced and go to court if need be. Having to pussyfoot around him to get him to make a decision that he can change/go back on, and remaining his wife legally can only lead to more delays,surely? I think you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and face what happens. If need be could you rent somewhere small for now, or move in with family rather than staying together in the house?

Speak to a solicitor. And women's aid. Whatever process you go through he's going to act like a dick and you're putting off the inevitable. Make the best plan you can and put yourself in control - you do not need to share your thinking with him.

@User0610134057 getting your pensions professionally valued is probably going to cost loads? I just went with the CEV (Cash Equivalent Value) figure which you can get from your pension provider, though that is more basic.

In this market the house valuation may be a vague figure, our house was a few months ago valued at 20% higher than we were ultimately able to find a buyer willing to pay.

no doubt it would. Gosh it’s so overwhelming. And then what’s the point of getting them valued now jf we’re just going to separate and divorce later? Surely we’d just have to do it all over again.
its also complicated as mine is public sector defined benefits scheme, and his is private. He’s struggling to understand how they value pensions because of them going up and down, and I can see where he’s coming from, I think he’ll be more up for a pension sharing order than offsetting the value against other assets.

I’m feeling overwhelmed.

i want to divorce really rather than separate but he has the potential to be so nasty.

i can’t rent without help from him/my parents. I don’t think my parents could manage it all. 3 beds to rent round here are £1500pcm and my take home salary is £2000pcm. I suppose I could use some joint savings I have access to but going against him will make things very very difficult and ultimately affect the children

And I agree about the house valuation.
It will all depend on how much someone is willing to pay/finding a buyer with an intact chain.

@User0610134057 at least getting the house valued will be free, and give you a rough idea of what you could get. I got three valuations done and went with the middle one for the financial mediation sessions.

totally understand why you feel overwhelmed, it's all so so hard both emotionally and practically.

I did already get it valued actually about 6 weeks ago but without him knowing, so hve to sort of do it again in the open. But I suspect the value might have dropped since then. It’s worth a lot and has nearly no mortgage but is our only/main asset. And I will struggle on a 70/30 split.

He refuses at the moment to consider mediation, thinks we can agree it between ourselves.

it’s whether I play the long game and go along with just separation and see if he’s true to his word about selling the house and helping me get somewhere else. Might be the quickest way to get away from him. Then can tackle the divorce process when living apart.

Don't panic, I know it's tempting to do whatever you need to do just to get this bit over and done with as soon as possible, but you need to deal with this with the clearest head you can manage, not race through it in a flat spin. You do not get to go back and do this again, and you can very easily get pressured into accepting propositions that would royally f+ck you and the kids over just to move things on. He is not your friend, he's not about to do you any big favours. There is this notion that everyone should be able to attain the gold standard of an amicable divorce, forget that, it's not always possible and you will shoot yourself in the foot bending over backwards trying to acheive it if it isn't.

Divorce isn't nice. But it's absolutely worth doing properly.

i want to divorce really rather than separate but he has the potential to be so nasty

Which is exactly why you should divorce, because until you do you will be married to him. From what you have written I feel that you will not get an easy ride out of this man, but that's no reason to roll over. Get to the solicitor asap and take their advice. Do what you need to do to extract yourself sensibly for your future and that of your children, rather than what is easiest right now.

(Take the 50/50 with a big pinch of salt, easily said, not so easily, and in my experience very rarely, done.)

Absolutely agree with @GreenManalishi , especially:

Do what you need to do to extract yourself sensibly for your future and that of your children, rather than what is easiest right now.

Staying married to him is a mistake. He won't suddenly be nice and reasonable further down the road.

How can you move forward when you're still legally tied to him?

The inheritance thing is that his parents have both passed away (the second one 10 yrs ago) and so he wants to take out what was passed on from them over the years before splitting things 50/50, there’s a thread in this section I had about it before with the main message really being to get legal advice. But I am very sure now I don’t want a court battle.
at the moment he is resistant to either of us speaking to a solicitor or using mediation even but obviously I know he can’t stop me taking advice

I bet he does! Don't be a mug. There doesn't need to be a court battle. he's not struggling so much with his mental state that he's not lost his financial head!

It's about 1500 and they do it in tandem with your other assets - house etc - to make it equal and fair taking in circumstances eg children.

This is why he doesn't want you to go to a solicitor. Get your big girl pants on and deal with this properly. You will need 3 valuations for a property too.

Heads-up . I don't know what I'm talking about 😅 but I'm trying to think of ways of making a more equitable split more appealing to the OPs husband.

Would it be possible to work out some arrangement where his inheritance is ring fenced for the kids. Say you buy a house but 50% of the ownership is put into trust for the kids or something. He might be feeling very protective over his parents money. If it was definitely going to the kids rather than you might he be ok with it. I'd imagine at the moment he is imagining you taking the money then finding a new partner and you both benefiting from his parents money. I know legally this isn't how it works but if you want to avoid a prolonged legal battle might something like this help?

Yes I’m open to that and actually understand about the inheritance and happy to walk away with less than I could get, but don’t want to be a complete mug and to be in financial dire straits that affects the children.

i won’t always need such a sizeable house but there are 3 of them, one with ASD, another suspected and on the waiting list. They really need their own rooms tho I can share with youngest if we’re renting. But maybe he can have a charge on the house or something. Just needs to be done in a way where he hasn’t got a hold over me

And thank you for the straight talking pep talk. I need that. And it’s true I need to put my big girl pants on and stand my ground.

I think a lot of people get overwhelmed with the prospect of divorce and associated financial arrangements but I think if you have 100% the marriage is over then divorce it's absolutely the best next step. A protracted period of separation is pointless, as would a separation agreement be.

You can apply for a divorce online and it costs just shy of £600. Once you have decree nisi you can then apply for a financial order. It doesn't have to cost 10,000's, you need some good advice and some help to get pointed in the right direction.

Regards the inheritance issue, your husband used it to pay into the marital property over 10 years ago, it won't be considered his to ring fence. It's added to the marital assets so this 30/70 split is just bluster. The starting point is 50/50 then depending on the needs of the parties, for example, earning potential, housing needs you could end up with a larger share of the assets.

Have a look at the legal queen on tic tok, or discord. She has a a q @ a session 3 times a week which can be really helpful for someone in your position to have a listen to.