Separation rather than divorce - can we still sell house and split equity?

[User0610134057]

Am 2 months on from telling DH I want to separate. It’s been horrific and he is still struggling to accept it. Sometimes there’s glimpses of acceptance but it’s 2 steps forward 1 step back. We are in counselling which will hopefully help but his mental state is all over the place.

my question today is that one of the things he has asked is if we can separate rather than divorce? I don’t care too much about the legalities I just need to get myself and the Dc into our own home asap because the environment here is not good. He won’t voluntarily move out and rent somewhere: I can’t afford to rent somewhere for me and the 3dc. I can’t leave them with him especially because of his mental state at the moment and he can’t cope with them on his own for very long.

we need to sell the house and agree the equity split. Can we do that if we ‘just’ separate rather than divorce? I would rather go straight for the divorce but need to keep him on side as much as possible. Or would it be a bad idea as it wouldn’t be a legal agreement?

But you are going to be primary resident parent. So on that it should be 70/30 to you, plus the fact he is a higher earner. You can then say because of his parents inheritance you are willing to drop to 50/50.
If you have two children with additional needs and a third child the court should look favourably on you.

He won’t accept that I’m going to be primary resident parent at the moment, that’s one of the problems. He says he wants 50/50 and even though I can’t see how that’s possibly going to work; in his mind that’s how it’s going to be so he can’t see that I would be entitled to any more than 50:50 of the assets and he thinks he’s being reasonable by taking out his inheritance/gifts then offering 50% of what’s left.
even though he will have the inheritance/gift money, plus he could get a mortgage more easily than me because of his high earnings.

But yes I do feel that if it did go before a judge, it would go in my favour in terms of money and potentially the kids. But ideally I’d like to not go through that and not put them through that. But it seems more and more that’s how it’s going to go.

I think if he's not being reasonable then yes, it will end up infront of a judge. Try not to worry about it as 1 big scary picture. 1 step at a time.

Until you get a financial consent order and a divorce he would have a potential claim on any assets/ money. So technically you could get half the house money and buy another house - then he could ask for half the equity in that house. You need to divorce but firstly you need to get yourself a decent solicitor who spells out what you should/ would get - then you negotiate with him

And if the children are over 13 it’s not really up to the parents what they want - the court would let the child decide (unless abuse etc)

This is exactly what happened to me. All through the process and even now years later he refuses to acknowledge I'm the main carer, even though he does 2 nights a fortnight if the wind is blowing in the right direction and the moon is in the right phase. He's 50/50 though!

Just because he says something doesn't mean it is true, or will happen. Don't let him panic you, nod and smile and steadfastly set your course and stick to it. There are structures in place, you don't need to reinvent the wheel, get yourself a solicitor and jump through the hoops as they are put before you. Always back yourself 100%, go with your gut.

Legally the inheritance won’t be ringfenced
I can understand his emotions on that and even more so if it’s possible you may get an inheritance from parents that he don’t benefit from. Bound to grate on him and reasonably so

however, settlement will now be based on needs and housing children etc

id go for full divorce if you are decided that’s what you want

Bless you. Many of us have been there and like yourself we had to learn the ropes as we went along. I remember sitting crying with fear. There is a MINE of info on from posters here so ask away. With a good solicitor they will lessen some of this fear and anticipation for you. They know what they are doing unlike these twats of men who think they can hide money and do what they want. Just be factual with him and try to stay away from emotional stuff with him. I knew of a man like this who wanted to resist - he was awful, an abusive bully but in the end he had to succumb to the law like everyone has to.

Hi all, I've been reading a few posts in past few days regarding leaving husband.
My situation is we have 2 children over 18 both In full time work.
I have reached an age where I no longer want to be with husband after being together over 25 years. If I'm honest I've been unhappy for years but stuck with it for sake of kids. I now want to think of myself and really see myself enjoying a single life and free to do my own thing and answer to no one.
Ideally I would be happy to sell the house and split the equity. Pretty certain kids would split their time between both of us so would each buy/mortgage another house. I'm not interested in claiming any of his pension. I just want an easy split to move on with my life. He will be absolutely distraught over it but I need to think of me now.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Yes you can get a legally binding separation agreement but you need to talk to a solicitor who is experienced in these.

There are people who don't want to divorce for eg religious reasons. It happens

Sorry the above was to be posted and I've replied to your thread. It's my first post and not sure what I'm doing. I've reported it in the hope it will be removed. Sorry.

Why is 50/50 not possible for the children? This isn't about point scoring, it's about the children.

OP your situation is very similar to mine, so my heart really goes out to you in what you are currently going through. Thankfully I managed to move out with my DC a while back to escape the abusive stalemate in the family home, so am currently renting while deciding what should happen next. - I can tell you, the relief to be physically away, at last, was overwhelming.

But I am struggling to continue to afford my current renting situation. I now really need my legally agreed share of the equity in the family home asap, to get myself back on an even keel financially, but DP still lives there - and refuses to sell it or move out. By refusing to negotiate or communicate at all about the separation he doesn't want, he is therefore still managing to exert his control - hoping I think that I will soon run out of money and have to come crawling back. I think that informally agreeing how to divide assets is very risky indeed, especially if you are dealing with a controlling person with MH issues, as I am. Any solicitors here will probably confirm this from experience?

I have already started to spend money getting initial legal advice, eg. regarding potential judicial separation vs. divorce - plus a future inheritance situation - (his) - All this isn't made at all easy, cheap or simple for us to understand without paying a solicitor! And I have found to my cost that not all solicitors are equally helpful. It feels very unfair when we are already struggling to make ends meet, on top of doing the lion's share of supporting our DC with extra needs.

What I am learning is that my DP is fundamentally extremely selfish, expert at gaslighting/messing with my head/playing the victim card, under the guise of 'I love you/can't manage without you' etc etc.... with his own self-interest actually being absolutely at the forefront - ahead of both the DC's best interests and mine. It's so hard to think clearly when you are living under the same roof; and the sheer desperation just to escape this will likely make you all too ready to accept less than you are actually legally entitled to - I have felt the same. I am now coming closer to the decision that a properly-handled divorce is going to be key, and that finding a good solicitor is really important, despite the costs. I gather that if DP's behaviour continues to be deliberately obstructive and unreasonable, a judge does have the power to turn some of the costs back on to him, in some situations.

Please stay strong and try to keep a clear head, don't give in just to get away.

Thank you, and my heart goes out to you too being in this situation.

i think you’re right that physically living somewhere else while we work this out will be key. I’m just thinking now whether I push the renting situation now or hold out til after Christmas and plan to move out in January.

@thetimehascomesaidthewalrus sending you lots of virtual hugs as that sounds like such a hard situation.

I think you can get a court order to force him to sell, he can’t refuse indefinitely.

50/50 is possible if both parents are equally willing to adujst their career, earning potential and social life in order to facilitate. The OP stated that he can’t cope with them on his own for very long.

Nobody mentioned point scoring.

I am feeling stronger today, thank you everyone (not least because he is away with work overnight tonight). I just feel so much lighter when he’s not at home.

i have arranged a solicitor appointment so I can ask amongst other things, if I can move out imminently without jeopardising any future proceedings. And how it would work with a separation agreement if I hold off on the divorce straight away, and what happens if we can’t agree re. Equity split and child arrangements.

I do believe he is someone who is instantly defensive then often thinks about things and comes round, so I have to believe he will do the right thing in the end re. the finances and the kids. I won’t avoid court at all costs but I know it would take a huge toll not just on our finances but on our co-parenting relationship and the kids so I really hope it can be avoided but he will need to move from his current position,

Glad you're feeling stronger today. If you feel better when he's not around then you've answered your own question about moving out into rented accommodation.

When I decided I was leaving and divorcing my exh I knew in the February but didn't go until the July as I thought it would be better for my dd to move out in school holidays. If I had my time again, I would've gone in February. It was an excruciating few months and the relief of being away from his was instantaneous.

By all means look into the separation agreement, but personally it seems a bit pointless now no fault divorce is available. (For example a separation agreement was used while parting spouses were waiting the 2 year separated divorce rule)

If you have no intention of reconciling then i would go straight for the divorce. Once you've seen the solicitor you will have a more realistic idea of how your finances should be split and you could try mediation?

Yes it’s true with the no fault divorce it would be easy for me to start it off.
He won’t consider mediation (at the moment).
currently he’s offering to go along with selling house and splitting assets (although we haven’t agreed on the division) and says it’s only been a couple of months, he needs longer to process it all.
Only reason to hold off on the divorce and go for separation agreement would be to keep him on side with progressing things.
i don’t mind… as long as I can make sure it’s done properly. Potentially better outcome if we can keep working together more amicably.
But I am scared we’ll end up in court anyway and I’ll just wish I got on with it.

He won’t compromise via mediation or solicitors, he hates being told what to do, he’s said even if a solicitor told him he’d have no chance of ‘winning’ at court and keeping his inheritance he’d still fight jt as he’d rather the money went to lawyers than to me.

BUT my only hope is when we get actual house valuations/offers and sees how the figures stack up he will agree to give me enough to get a house for me and the Dc. He won’t want to be seen as unreasonable by others eg. If he’s living in a palace and we’ve not got suitable accommodation

Ok, if you went ahead with a separation agreement now then my advice would be don't get advice, and don't ask for full financial disclosure. If he offers enough for you to get a house for you and your children then take it and buy a property for you and your children.

Then down the line when you decide its time to divorce, you can always apply to court for a financial remedy then, where all marital assets will be looked at, and at that point you would be awarded a fair and reasonable amount from the collective marital assets through the courts. Your stbxh might think the separation agreement will be held up in court at this point, and they will look at it but if its not fair and reasonable then it will be discounted. By the sounds of it he has no intention of giving you what would be considered fair.

He won’t compromise via mediation or solicitors, he hates being told what to do, he’s said even if a solicitor told him he’d have no chance of ‘winning’ at court and keeping his inheritance he’d still fight jt as he’d rather the money went to lawyers than to me.

He doesn't sound like a man who has any interest in remaining amicable, and you can't acheive this on your own. Don't adjust your plans thinking you can "keep" him on side, when he's not on side to start with.

Solicitors will focus on the needs of the parties, and housing the children adequately. Giving him time to "process" it, is really just giving him time to rearrange his affairs in his favour. Screw up your courage and file for no fault divorce. He will tantrum, repeatedly. Let him. Don't tread on eggshells to try and keep him sweet, you'll only end up shafting yourself. Rip off the plaster.

All his inheritance is now joint.

you would be entitled to more than a 50/50 share if you keep the children

pensions and earning capacity need to be considered as to the costs of raising the children

you may not receive any inheritance- what happens if all spent in care homes - you receive nothing

so that is not a consideration

I would take legal advice but it’s easy to think a 50/50 is equal but if you have lost earnings and pension due to raising kids - it isn’t.

my ex put in £100 K into house I got all of it. After a short marriage.
my pension decreased his went up
my Earning potentit due to paying nursery and looking after two children and promotions went down
he got promoted
I got made redundant

he also sounds like he is not being open and honest about finances - does he have a form
e
csa?
bills?

my ex earns £80K and yet only pays me £200 a month as he puts loads in a private pension - £200 didn’t even cover a week of nursery

Do not do not do not do not do this

men squirrel money away and the form e only requires bank statements for the previous 12 months he can sell and remove assets and amounts out of pensions etc

for gods sake take legal advice

yes you can separate
I wanted to separate and have a financial agreement and an access agreement but not divorce (I felt he was mentally ill)

he insisted

but yes it is totally possible but don’t do it without full financial disclosure

also if he took out huge loans tomorrow they would be yours too!!