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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Why do men not claim more?

84 replies

AndTheWinners · 03/06/2022 16:52

Curious,

Reading threads on here it seems to be a theme going on

Relationship goes bad, the man moves out,
The woman who earns less gets stuck with the house with the bills and the kids

They then spend most of there life trying to get money off the ex husband who presumably has lots of his own bills to pay

I got divorced a year ago and I live with the kids in the family home paying the bills

I get no maintenance from my ex wife

She just comes and goes as she sees fit with the children

This arrangement seems to work well, wondering why more couples do not do it

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/06/2022 19:44

Thats a very general statement. My ex husband dumped me and our son and went off abroad. It was my house and he never paid any bills to start with and after he left didn't pay any maintenance for DS. Didn't bother me. I've always had a good job.
In my experience all the men I've gone out with are happy to lodge in my home contributing nothing, male gold diggers. I dont have a partner any more. I'm done with it.

gamerchick · 03/06/2022 19:49

You think floating in and out of kids lives when you feel like it is a good thing? Hmm it makes your entire post look weird.

Theimpossiblegirl · 03/06/2022 19:52

Oh these silly women, that's what they should be doing. It just took a man to work out out.

UserError012345 · 03/06/2022 19:55

Because the majority don't want to be tied down to the day to day endless fucking monotony of all the admin that comes with the kids. Not to mention the mental load.

It's easier to hand the money over and play Disney Dad.

ErinAoife · 03/06/2022 19:58

Because in the case of my ex he is happy to see the kids every other weekend and one day a week as he doesn't want the responsibility of family life. Since our separation all his relationship have been long distance as he loves his single life

Fireyflies · 03/06/2022 20:07

Very often the woman has been the primary carer of the children. That means her job is more compatible with continuing this role. A lot of women (myself included) also very much want to retain this role. So they do. If the man has been the main carer then it's not so uncommon to do it the other way around, or do a 50-50.

Bit odd to have your ex dropping in and out when they like to see your kids though - does the unpredictable of that not bother you? Most parents (of young kids in particular) want more routine than that so they can work or go out socially knowing their kids are with their other parent.

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 03/06/2022 22:49

I can't help but wonder if a lot of the fathers go because that's what society expect

People thought that I would leave when the marriage broke down and leave her with the kids - I told them no and I was not leaving my kids

Just idle thinking about why it's normally the man that leaves

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 03/06/2022 23:28

I think there's something in that - society expects men to leave and expects women to stay. Women feel judged if they don't have their kids living with them. Men get a harder time finding work that accommodates or friends in a similar position if they do.

Rummikub · 03/06/2022 23:36

Fireyflies · 03/06/2022 20:07

Very often the woman has been the primary carer of the children. That means her job is more compatible with continuing this role. A lot of women (myself included) also very much want to retain this role. So they do. If the man has been the main carer then it's not so uncommon to do it the other way around, or do a 50-50.

Bit odd to have your ex dropping in and out when they like to see your kids though - does the unpredictable of that not bother you? Most parents (of young kids in particular) want more routine than that so they can work or go out socially knowing their kids are with their other parent.

It’s because most women adjust their lives when they are mothers. Part time work or school hours or sahm. Their income takes a hit.

(Of course there are mums that work full time.)

SausagePourHomme · 03/06/2022 23:42

i wonder if your ex wife thinks it works well that you insisted on staying in the house and keeping the kids with your higher income? and how did you come to be paid more? did she work part time by any chance while the kids were smaller while you made no sacrifices to your working life? just a guess

Pallisers · 03/06/2022 23:44

Just idle thinking about why it's normally the man that leaves

well asking a website with mostly women on it isn't going to answer that. Why don't you ask men why they leave and why they don't pay child support (because your situation aside, more child support that isn't paid isn't paid by men).

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2022 00:15

Ok I'll bite. In my case we had a child with autism and 2 more after. He didn't want to ruin his career by asking for flexible working so I gave up my successful role to work part time and retrain as a childminder so he could climb the career pole. When we split he wasn't interested in having a 50/50 role in their lives and it turns out he didn't want to pay the going rate for child support either because in his mind 'I wanted them'.

If I could've kept my career by doing 50/50 with him I'd have bitten his arm off for it but apparently that wasn't an option.

Great that you've got an arrangement that works op but frankly a lot of men just cba

oviraptor21 · 04/06/2022 07:47

Because they don't want to.

auberJohn · 04/06/2022 09:28

I pay over the cms rate and in addition half of other costs. Ex earns slightly more than I do. Quite often she will not pay for half of costs.

I accept this situation because I know that when I have questioned the unfairness, she started interfering with the shared care child arrangement living schedule, withholding the kids. In the end the relationship the kids have with me outweighs the financial strain. I don't want them to placed in the middle of conflict.

Itsybitsydoodah · 04/06/2022 11:53

Wow your ex sounds like a right cow.
If my ex was contributing more than he legally should and also helping out with half of other costs I'd be thanking my lucky stars rather than being awkward.

I do think the OP has a point about it being the social norm for women to take on the majority of the childcare though. Needs more men to fight the social norms and if they want to be with their kids more then do it.

Rummikub · 04/06/2022 12:57

But that starts by men making adjustments from the start. I know of very few men who go part time or adjust working hours once a baby is there.

for women adjustments start as soon as pregnant in terms of food / drink.

HelenHywater · 04/06/2022 13:05

Thank you Man for coming to tell us how to do it.

Presumably you can afford to stay in your house without any income from your ex? most people cannot.

Presumably you earn considerably more than your wife - most men do

Presumably you can afford to feed and clothe your children without any additional help?

Presumably you can afford to pay for childcare without any contribution from your ex?

Presumably you can afford to pay for all the bills on your own

Presumably you don't feel that as one half of the parents of your child, your children are entitled to financial maintenance from your ex (which , by the way, is their legal entitlement).

Presumably you are happy telling your children that your ex doesn't pay anything - most children as they grow up, benefit from knowing their non resident parent does support them financially. (and yes, I know that most divorced/split up parents do not get anything from their ex).

50% of single parents are in poverty. Most are on Universal credit. Maybe if you look into what they are actually earning, you will see why most single parents and their children would hugely benefit from some financial contribution from their ex.

HelenHywater · 04/06/2022 13:06

(and I know no very few men who want to spend even 50% of their time with their children, let alone actually live with them).

HelenHywater · 04/06/2022 13:10

Sorry I might have mis-read a little bit. But in answer to your question, I do not know any man, my own ex included, who has even wanted 50/50 care, let alone to live with their children. It's hard, and life, work, money, make it even harder.

If you add in cost of living, housing, etc even 50/50 is unaffordable for those few men who would like to do that.

Glad it works for you. But your ex sounds dreadful, and it doesn't matter what her sex is. All children are entitled to maintenance from their non resident parent. You're fortunate you can afford to do without it, most people (women) cannot.

Fireyflies · 04/06/2022 13:47

I think your experience might be a bit unusual @HelenHywater - I could name you at least 4 men I know with genuine 50-50 arrangements, all of them wanted that, and one with main custody. I don't think it's unheard of. It's just less common for all the reasons discussed above.

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 04/06/2022 21:31

Just to say a few things about how we work it

I still work full time

My ex does The morning school run and pick up

She does not pay me any money

By doing it this way I still earn what i did before but take on most of the costs

She earns less but has less out goings, she just supports herself and pays when she takes the kids out by herself

I do bedtime routine, cook kids dinner, homework etc which she was never any good at

OP posts:
Wednesdayafternoon · 04/06/2022 21:36

Well her doing the school run and pick up everyday isn't exactly her just flitting in and out as she pleases is it? 🙄

Fireyflies · 04/06/2022 21:42

That's an awful lot of daily contact and interdependent lives the two of you still have. I've known others do likewise in the early days of separation (me and my ex did too). But for a longer more sustainable setup I think most people like a bit more autonomy that allows them space to have a new partner, choose where to live, and arrange their day to day lives without quite so much feeling still like a family with their ex. If it works for you that's fine - I wouldn't judge. But that's probably a big reason why most people don't do that - they (and their new partners) prefer not to be seeing their ex twice a day.

Fireyflies · 04/06/2022 21:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Rummikub · 04/06/2022 21:42

When the children were babies did you adjust your work hours to be at home more?