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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Why do men not claim more?

84 replies

AndTheWinners · 03/06/2022 16:52

Curious,

Reading threads on here it seems to be a theme going on

Relationship goes bad, the man moves out,
The woman who earns less gets stuck with the house with the bills and the kids

They then spend most of there life trying to get money off the ex husband who presumably has lots of his own bills to pay

I got divorced a year ago and I live with the kids in the family home paying the bills

I get no maintenance from my ex wife

She just comes and goes as she sees fit with the children

This arrangement seems to work well, wondering why more couples do not do it

OP posts:
123wombles · 04/06/2022 21:42

Sorry, I’m not sure I understand. Does your ex not have the kids overnight at hers at all? Did she not want to have them? Is this arrangement how she wanted it too?

ChilliAndParsley · 04/06/2022 21:49

My ex couldn’t really be bothered with family life when we were together, he wanted to holiday with “the boys” and sleep off hangovers on the weekends. That type of attitude is one of the reasons we split.

Never mind 50/50, I practically had to force him to do the whole weekend every other week ( he felt he should still have Sunday, after 5pm, “to himself” and that school run on Monday morning would be a major inconvenience…)

Of course, he tells people that he wanted 50/50 and that I didn’t let him, as well as claiming he pays “well above the odds” in maintenance. Neither of those things are true.

I know of a few men who are more than happy to be every other weekend dads. They feel they get the best of both worlds. I don’t know of any women like that though. That is why I think they don’t try for more.

unicornsarereal72 · 04/06/2022 21:58

the children's father wanted to go on a bender every weekend. Wanting no responsibility and to Pretend he isn't a father, only to bleat to anyone who would listen that I stop him seeing his kids took the house (it was my house) and bleed him dry. I've had about six months money in 5 years

RedHelenB · 05/06/2022 13:34

What work does she do given she's tied into the school run?

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 18:09

We use the after school club

OP posts:
Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 18:12

Yes

Every other weekend but flexible and she normally just sees them in the evening during the week

She tends to have them more during the school holidays too

OP posts:
WalkerWalking · 05/06/2022 18:25

Her doing all the school runs for you presumably enables you to continue in a well paid job? If she literally saw the kids one night a week and every other weekend, then you'd either have to drop hours, or pay more for childcare.

It wouldn't be right for the non resident parent to be paying more maintenance when they're doing so much of the childcare.

This is just a guess, but I imagine plenty of mums would prefer free childcare in order to improve their own lifelong earning potential, rather than just financial maintenence until the child turns 18.

Out of curiosity was it her choice to leave the home? Does she do all the school runs for you because that's the easiest way for her to see her kids every day?

DogsAndGin · 05/06/2022 18:40

This is a bit confusing. So, she doesn’t live with you or the kids, but she does school drop off every morning and pickup every afternoon from your house? She then also spends the evenings with the children during the week - but is she at your house with the children - as you cook dinner and do the bedtime routine? Or is she coming and going from your house two or three times a day?

Generally, one parent pays money to the parent who has the children for the majority of the time, to help with the cost of raising the children. I can’t tell what that arrangement is with your situation though, as you both seem to look after the children during the week and alternate weekends 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wednesdayafternoon · 05/06/2022 18:52

So she does the school run and pick up and then sees them only in the evening during the week, after after school club, and then every other weekend.
Sounds to me like she spends most of the weekdays at your house and then eow.
So she doesn't come and go as she pleases, she actually spends a lot of time with them seemingly around you.

What a load of nonsense this thread is. Sounds like you're just wanting to feed into your own ego.
😴😴😴😴

FiveNineFive · 05/06/2022 18:56

AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 18:12

Yes

Every other weekend but flexible and she normally just sees them in the evening during the week

She tends to have them more during the school holidays too

How is this coming and going as she pleases?

Janie576 · 05/06/2022 19:00

If I was divorced, I don’t think I’d want your arrangement. Didn’t your ex want 50/50 custody? I think I’d much prefer to have child free days than doing every school run. What would happen if you did do 3.5 days each a week? Wasn’t that possible? Why didn’t your ex want that arrangement?

OverEggedPudding · 05/06/2022 19:02

Is this your ex’s choice OP, or has she been given the short straw?

I find it hard to understand a woman who leaves her children.

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 19:04

I do not understand men who leave there children

OP posts:
Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 19:07

Just to say a few points

Fair enough she can not come and go as she quite pleases as she has to do the school run, she is free to leave after if she pleases

She did the school run when we were married

I could probably work around it but would be a lot harder for me

We are still good friends just not in love with each other

The thread was supposed to be about why do more men not keep the children

Not about me as such, it's gone a bit off topic

OP posts:
Janie576 · 05/06/2022 19:08

But why not 50/50 custody, you both do 3.5 days a week? It works for most divorced couples that I know. Then no one has left the children.

Janie576 · 05/06/2022 19:10

In my experience both parents “keep” the children, they have 50/50 custody.

CheshireCats · 05/06/2022 19:11

What a load of bollocks this thread is.
She "comes and goes as she sees fit" =She does am and pm school runs. Sees them in the evenings and does more in the school holidays.

SausagePourHomme · 05/06/2022 19:12

AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 19:07

Just to say a few points

Fair enough she can not come and go as she quite pleases as she has to do the school run, she is free to leave after if she pleases

She did the school run when we were married

I could probably work around it but would be a lot harder for me

We are still good friends just not in love with each other

The thread was supposed to be about why do more men not keep the children

Not about me as such, it's gone a bit off topic

Because this arrangement sounds very unfair on everyone except you, based on what you've said

decayingmatter · 05/06/2022 19:12

The thread was supposed to be about why do more men not keep the children

I'm sure you're well aware why lots of men 'don't keep the children', and whatever point it is that you're trying to make is unclear to me.

The umbrella answer is largely:

They don't want to

Janie576 · 05/06/2022 19:41

What are your ex's living arrangements? Does she have a comparable property to the family home, where it's suitable to have children stay for more then the odd night? Where the children can have their own bedrooms for example?

WalkerWalking · 05/06/2022 19:43

You didn't say "why don't more men push for more equal custody", you said "why do men not claim more" and then you patted yourself on the back because you don't take any money off your ex.

I assumed that "claim" was referring to money. Your specific living arrangement is very unusual in that, despite being the non resident parent, your wife is still hugely sacrificing her earning potential by doing all the school runs. I don't see that she owes you any financial maintenance in this scenario.

If you were referring to your children as a marital asset to be "claimed", then I don't really know where to go with that.

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 21:27

Fair point

I badly worded it at the start

OP posts:
Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 21:29

No, she is currently renting a room in a house

Her choice, when she left she had enough money to put a sizeable deposit down on a house

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 05/06/2022 21:33

I cannot comprehend a situation where I would give up my home and living with my children to be their daily driver and holiday care. Not only is that very limited weekly quality time with them, but also severely impacts your ability to hold down a real job.

I would much rather as a non resident parent pay the 15% of my salary as child maintenance. Let the resident parent deal with how far that goes towards their actual costs, while I suffer no opportunity cost of my own in terms of how long I can work in a day.

Most people don't do this because they don't have someone daft enough willing to facilitate it.

Hollipolly · 05/06/2022 21:37

Why are you not reporting the mother of your child to CMS?

That's what a lot of mums do as it's easier in the long run!