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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Why do men not claim more?

84 replies

AndTheWinners · 03/06/2022 16:52

Curious,

Reading threads on here it seems to be a theme going on

Relationship goes bad, the man moves out,
The woman who earns less gets stuck with the house with the bills and the kids

They then spend most of there life trying to get money off the ex husband who presumably has lots of his own bills to pay

I got divorced a year ago and I live with the kids in the family home paying the bills

I get no maintenance from my ex wife

She just comes and goes as she sees fit with the children

This arrangement seems to work well, wondering why more couples do not do it

OP posts:
WigglyWombat · 05/06/2022 21:38

Forget the money she took when she left you, which you think should have been a sizeable deposit for a house… but were her earnings high enough for her to get a mortgage ? Bearing in mind she has always worked part-time and still does, so she can do school pick ups and drop offs.

Would she have rather stayed in the house, if you’d agreed to leave it so she could live there with the children?

WigglyWombat · 05/06/2022 21:41

how do you feel that she is only able to rent a room, so she has nowhere for the DC to stay with her, so has to come to your house when she wants to spend time with them? Did you agree this “amicably” between you as part of your divorce?

decayingmatter · 05/06/2022 22:00

AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 21:29

No, she is currently renting a room in a house

Her choice, when she left she had enough money to put a sizeable deposit down on a house

How will she be able to get a mortgage when she's spending all day being a stay at home mum in your house and doing all of the actual parenting before getting booted out in the evening back to her rented room?

Easy to be smug and to talk about how well you manage 'single parent life' when you've got a free nanny, driver, cook etc on site. I'd take that deal over receiving a bit of maintenance all day long.

And you still get to tell everyone 'I look after the kids all by myself, and she just comes and goes'. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hapoydayz · 05/06/2022 22:02

I can’t believe she is enabling your life! This set up is terrible for her. Would be interesting to hear the other side.

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 22:11

She is not bitter about it and is happy with the arrangement

She wanted more time to relax compared to be with the children all day, having her own place to go to has enabled her to do that

With the money she has done things she has enjoyed

However this is all a bit off topic

I was wondering why more men could not get an arrangement that allows them to be the main care giver, like how I do

I fear this thread has not gone how I originally intended and is just decending into arguments which wasn't not my intention

OP posts:
MoreProseccoNow · 05/06/2022 22:12

This must be a wind-up?

Why on earth would she agree to that?

My ex suggested I move out & rent nearby with his "generous" financial offer - which would never have been enough to buy locally - and LL are not falling over themselves to rent to single parent/part timers/low earners either.

So I stayed put, living with him in the family home for 2 YEARS until a fair settlement was thrashed out, which allowed me to buy a small flat nearby (he stayed in FMH). It was hell on earth.

And yes, he was controlling & abusive.

But no way would I be forced out my home to live in a shitty bedsit to facilitate his working arrangements- that totally stinks.

I'm getting these types of vibes from you, OP.

Rummikub · 05/06/2022 22:16

Your wife worked part time and did majority of child care when you were together. Now she is facilitating your life style/ job by still doing the school run.

i wonder of the the children will notice this disparity at some point. Your poor wife.

MoonKnight · 05/06/2022 22:25

I don’t think you understand what ‘main care giver’ actually means.

your ex is doing more of the childcare than you seem to be.

Rummikub · 05/06/2022 22:34

I was wondering why more men could not get an arrangement that allows them to be the main care giver, like how I do

I would think it’s because the mum in this situation is getting screwed over, has an unstable home, and is restricted to part time hours so she can do the school run. If you were truly interested in fairness you would cut your hours to take on more childcare duties.

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 22:34

That's not fair,

When we split, she said she wanted to leave as she found me and the kids to stressful

I gave her enough money to put down a deposit on a house, she did not and spent it on other things

She picks up and drops off the kids still as she wants to see them every day

She does not have a problem with this

I work as I used to before

I do most of the house tasks such as washing clothes, cooking etc when she is back at her house in the evening

Why is this arrangement so wrong (going off thread)

OP posts:
CloudPop · 05/06/2022 22:40

It's not wrong, it's just very unusual

WigglyWombat · 05/06/2022 22:46

I agree @MoreProseccoNow .

OP, it’s interesting that you “I gave her money” - you didn’t “give” her anything, you were married so the marital assets had
to be shared in divorce.

Did your wife have a solicitor, did you go to court re: division of assets and child arrangements? or did you persuade your ex that you were giving her a fair deal, and she took it as she just needed to get away?

AnotherVice · 05/06/2022 22:51

My ex-husband wanted (and has) retained custody of dcs and the family house. He earns x5 more than me, unsurprisingly because I sacrificed my career for his, raising his 4 children full-time. I now work full-time doing unsocial hours for shitty NHS pay and see my dcs whenever I'm not working. Not what I wanted but I had little choice. And yes he does the whole 'your mother doesn't contribute anything' thing whilst I can barely afford to feed myself.

Rummikub · 05/06/2022 22:56

I think it’s uneven as it’s not sustainable, especially for her long term. Nor you if you were to be in a relationship imo.

Pippainthegarden · 05/06/2022 23:02

AndTheWinners · 03/06/2022 16:52

Curious,

Reading threads on here it seems to be a theme going on

Relationship goes bad, the man moves out,
The woman who earns less gets stuck with the house with the bills and the kids

They then spend most of there life trying to get money off the ex husband who presumably has lots of his own bills to pay

I got divorced a year ago and I live with the kids in the family home paying the bills

I get no maintenance from my ex wife

She just comes and goes as she sees fit with the children

This arrangement seems to work well, wondering why more couples do not do it

I suppose up to the separated couple to sort out what suits them best and then goes to court if they can’t decide but most seem able to sort it out themselves. There isn’t a right or wrong way as long as the children feel loved by both parents and they both happy with arrangements for maintenance etc

SynchOrSwim · 05/06/2022 23:05

Can you see how out of order it was for you too say 'she comes and goes as she pleases' when she actually provides you with free wraparound care everyday?

Fireyflies · 05/06/2022 23:18

What would you do OP if your ex said she wasn't willing to do the school run to and from your house every day? That she would prefer to have the children living with her and for you to pay her child support? You'd either have to go along with it, or else make some very major changes to your job hours (and potentially lose a lot of income/lose the house) so that you could put up an alternative proposition where they lived with you, and you did the school run. That choice is the reality most men find themselves in and is the answer to your question. Your ex is unusual in being happy to do the school run but not have the kids live with her - not many men have an ex wife who's like that.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/06/2022 23:23

AndTheWinners · 05/06/2022 22:11

She is not bitter about it and is happy with the arrangement

She wanted more time to relax compared to be with the children all day, having her own place to go to has enabled her to do that

With the money she has done things she has enjoyed

However this is all a bit off topic

I was wondering why more men could not get an arrangement that allows them to be the main care giver, like how I do

I fear this thread has not gone how I originally intended and is just decending into arguments which wasn't not my intention

Claiming you're the main care giver when your Ex does so much during the week days to facilitate your job and the school runs and evenings for DC is a bit rich. I'd say the reason more men don't have DC living with them is that they'd actually have to be the main care giver because their EX wouldn't be enough of a pushover to still be doing all the facilitating of their career and school runs.

We're free thinking people so we're not going to just say what you want to hear, especially when you imply your DCs mum is barley in their lives then add all these details of how actually she is still tied to the school run and unable to work full time, so couldn't afford the mortgage you think she could have gotten and is living in one room so she can only see the DC at your convenience. You really don't come off as the hard done by one here.

OverEggedPudding · 06/06/2022 16:30

Is it just me or does anyone else feel the ex W has been massively screwed over here?

I’d love to hear her side of the story. Sounds like she reached breaking point and then you took advantage of this to keep the house and kids.

As a mother, I wouldn’t be able to cope with this set up.

I think there is more to this. As you said, this thread certainly didn’t go the way you thought it would.

Not used to being challenged by women?

gamerchick · 06/06/2022 16:54

OverEggedPudding · 06/06/2022 16:30

Is it just me or does anyone else feel the ex W has been massively screwed over here?

I’d love to hear her side of the story. Sounds like she reached breaking point and then you took advantage of this to keep the house and kids.

As a mother, I wouldn’t be able to cope with this set up.

I think there is more to this. As you said, this thread certainly didn’t go the way you thought it would.

Not used to being challenged by women?

Yeah, I thought the same this morning when I was reading through. I'd really like to hear her side of it. The OP doesn't sound like a nice person really the more you read his posts.

FlyToTheSun · 06/06/2022 17:04

I live with my children’s father, but as a mother, if we split, I would want to live with my children. It’s as simple as that. My partner would also feel the same, so for us, I guess it would be a 50/50 split as our children would want to see us both equally too.

Based on what I’ve seen in real life and read on here, I’m guessing more men don’t want to live as you do, simply because they don’t really want to devote much of their life to parenting. Maybe find some men to ask, I don’t think theres many on mumsnet though.

Original poster
AndTheWinners · 06/06/2022 19:26

Well sod the lot of you

I think my ex wife has done well with the agreement

She gets to see the kids everyday and hear about there day

She gets to eat dinner with us, so gets family time

This Is a better arrangement than most people get

And it was do e legally and she did get advice

And thanks everyone for completely changing the topic of the discussion 👏

OP posts:
FlyToTheSun · 06/06/2022 19:40

Oh dear. 🤣🤣🤣 A very odd thread and another man that doesn’t like to be questioned. We were all supposed to listen to him mansplaining parenting to us and then tell him how great he is. 🤣🤣🤣

gamerchick · 06/06/2022 19:41

Oh dear....

Janie576 · 06/06/2022 19:53

I think your question was answered quite fairly really. I suppose the reason why most men don't have your set up is that they don't have an ex who is willing to do every school run. If there are any advantages to being divorced and sharing custody, it's that you DON'T need to do every sodding school run, thus limiting your earning potential.