The downside of divorce. (Please tread gently.)

Estherpologist · 2022-02-02T14:48:25+00:00

First things first, please don't give me a hard time. Now please, I'm feeling very fragile, so please take on board everything in this post before you comment. If you haven't been through your own divorce in your late 40s / 50s, please don't respond to this thread - I'm sure your experience is valid, but it likely has no parallels to mine. If you have, especially with early teens kids, then I'm interested in your opinion. I know the possible and probable up sides of divorce. SO PLEASE DON'T tell me why its the right thing to do. And I'm feeling massively fragile and very defensive today, so if you haven't read this, I'm very sorry, if I tell you to **** ***. I'm sorry, but please don't tell me why divorce is the right thing to do. I'm sick of feeling - well, what I feel now I irrelevant to my question, so please don't be the usual internet and please, if you're not going to answer the question directly, please don't answer it at all. And I understand every divorce is different and I don't give a flying **** what the up sides are, right now. I just need to be realistic and understand what the net gain/net loss could be FOR ME! So as a 50-something, what are the down sides of divorce?

Original poster

Estherpologist · 02/02/2022 14:53

(Apparently asterisks instead of sewaribg give MN a problem, and having reread my post it sounds very hostile, but if you'd had the week I've had you would too so I'm very very sorry.)

OP posts:

RosieGuacamosie · 02/02/2022 14:53

I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time but it’s pretty rude to ask people for advice and then set out a list of demands

RandomMess · 02/02/2022 14:54

I'm not actually sure what you are asking?

Positives are having sole control of your own decisions. Not compromising with a spouse. Spending what you want. Own priorities.

No one criticising you, keeping you awake snoring etc etc.

AlDanvers · 02/02/2022 14:56

Its impossible to speak of the downsides without talking about the upsides.

What you were asking for is a long list of doom and gloom.

I can tell you about the shit bits if my divorce. But it's not a complete story without the good bits.

Valkyrie40 · 02/02/2022 14:58

Well the obvious downsides would be:
Having to "start again". Having to go through the rigmarole of finding another partner, should you want one (I hear OLD is abysmal).
Being financially worse off? Maybe having to sell your house etc.

I'm not divorced myself so I'm not adhering to your rules but these are the things friends of mine talk about.

TheVanguardSix · 02/02/2022 15:00

The financial implications can be tough… but really, that’s the ONLY downside.

Original poster

Estherpologist · 02/02/2022 15:02

Thanks. And I'm rrally really sorry. I really am.
I know what the up sides could be for me, but I just need to make sure I'm thinking though the downsides before I push the big red button.

OP posts:

GreenFingeredNell15 · 02/02/2022 15:07

Im too scared to answer in case I inadvertently break one of your many rules

DiamondBright · 02/02/2022 15:09

The main downside for me was having to enter the dating scene for the first time in my 40s, the alternative option of being single forever appealed even less.

There's also no having someone to talk to about stuff like what colour to paint a room or which fridge to buy, things that are only really important to another adult you share your home with. Teenagers really don't care.

peoniesarejustperfect · 02/02/2022 15:11

Finances take a bit hit and have less time / earning years left to recover.

Being lonely. It can be very hard to be on your own, despite too much of someone before.

Much depends on your state of mind. If you are in two minds, I would focus on making yourself happy and then see where you are in a few months time. I did this and am so pleased that I did, as it worked and I am glad I stayed.

MummyShah369 · 02/02/2022 15:21

Downsides to consider

No help if you are unwell
No one to bounce ideas with unless you have a strong friends network
Financial risk e.g job loss
Holidays usually work for couples or better value
Sometimes the little support can be missed e.g going to the toilet when you have a little one to look after
If you start looking for someone you have no idea how that will turn out
Cooking for one is harder but depends easier on some cases
Generally end up with a small space to live in, but that could be a plus
Lots depends on your personality and lifestyle requirements

annonymousse · 02/02/2022 15:22

I divorced in my early 40s. Obvious downside was the financial hit. Then the burden of everything being on just me. If anything went wrong with the house it was down to me to fix it or find the appropriate trades person. I had to do all life admin for me and my daughters. No one to talk to at the end of the day. And the driving!!! Always being the driver and never getting to be a passenger. Sounds trivial but at the time it all felt overwhelming.

starrynight21 · 02/02/2022 15:23

Being less well off financially.

Ex saying nasty things about you. Mine told several people that the children were probably not his. This got back to the kids. Years later that comment still stings.

People you thought were your friends, don't want to know you any more.

The upsides outweigh the downsides, but it's not a bed of roses.

Bagelsandbrie · 02/02/2022 15:25

I’ve been through two divorces. There are downsides and pros at any age to be honest! If you’re not happy though you won’t be unhappier getting divorced. You just have to be sure you can’t stand them anymore! Then anything else that crops up is worth it because you don’t have to put up with them anymore.

The most important thing is not to get bitter about it all. I’ve now been happily remarried for 15 years.

Growbean · 02/02/2022 15:25

You may find some friends that were previously joint become his or yours exclusively.

Shodan · 02/02/2022 15:27

I've found that the main downside is when several rotten things happen at once:
The outside drain blocks and
I ding the car and
The binbag tears and
A professional body doesn't do what it's supposed to do and
Someone forgets a birthday/meet up.

Then I sometimes wished that I had someone else around, even if it was just for a hug.

Evenings out with couples can be a bit dismal occasionally too.

Cakequeen1988 · 02/02/2022 15:29

I’m younger that described in your post but I think the points are valid, but downsides were

A load of life admin regard enlisting a solicitor, wrangling the financial deal paperwork all round!
I ended up in a small, dated property, he is in a 5 bed ultra modern beautiful home
You will lose some friends but in turn will really find out who your real and wonderful friends are
You are responsible for everything. It’s quite a mental load to be having to do all household chores and admin plus all the household maintenance.

There are a lot of upsides too. But these are the main negatives and they really aren’t that bad!

Madickenxx · 02/02/2022 15:30

For me the major downside was financial. My ex quit his job as soon as he got the divorce petition and I have had to give him 50% of my pension and take on 50% of his (considerable) debt. He is still living in our family home despite a court order stating it should be sold and I am renting.

Also, he used the children (teens) as pawns and stopped me taking them abroad to see family etc. This backfired as they no longer want a relationship with him.

The cost and stress of going through the divorce. How stressful and costly it is will depend on how amicable you can be of course.

I know you don't want to hear about the upsides but the downsides listed above do not in any way outweigh the many many upsides to both me and the kids. Our lives are a million times better now than it was and we are happy and settled.

Scottishflower65 · 02/02/2022 15:40

If over 50, retirement plans can take a big hit depending on relative positions. Maybe together you could both retire to a comfortable life early. Much harder on your own and probably later.
Pressure to be only wage earner.

MeanderingGently · 02/02/2022 15:48

I divorced in my late 40s, two teenage children.

Downsides were:

It hit the children hard, my daughter the most. My son was relieved (but never said) to be away from his controlling father but both were devastated. However, it didn't actually affect their schoolwork etc. We had to sit the children down and talk them through it; since they were early teens we gave them choices as to who they wanted to live with, and we explained that each of us loved the children very much, the divorce was not the children's fault.

Another downside was accommodation, I had to find somewhere to live as the house went with my husband's job. Finances were tight and we had no savings, so it wasn't as though I got much money out of the divorce...there was nothing to split, no house to sell and get proceeds from. I ended up renting but it was fine, my daughter lived with me but my son came to me in the holidays.

I had to make sure I had a fulltime job, which meant commuting from a rural area. My daughter was only 13 but she had to get herself up and off to school as I'd already left, and she had to come home to an empty house and serve her own supper from the slow cooker (which I'd already left on from the morning). It was hard for her but she actually gained a great deal of independence from doing this, and it stood her good stead in the future. It meant I had to be super organised to do all this, as there was no-one else to help out.

We didn't go on holidays together for a few years, there was just no money at all. But I became much closer to the children than we had been before.

I guess putting this down clarifies it really....the main issues are the children, finances, accommodation and sorting out the practicalities when it's just you as a lone parent doing everything. But those things change over time....the children grow older, you become more organised, finances get better.

You don't want to hear about the positives but I can assure you there were far more positives than the negatives and if I had my time over again, I would still do it.

I didn't bother with other relationships until the children had finally left home; I tried OLD but got bored with it. Personally I'm happy on my own (after two short relationships) but obviously other people are different, that may not suit you at all.

I hope that helps, good luck.

Crumbs22 · 02/02/2022 16:02

@MeanderingGently

I divorced in my late 40s, two teenage children.

Downsides were:

It hit the children hard, my daughter the most. My son was relieved (but never said) to be away from his controlling father but both were devastated. However, it didn't actually affect their schoolwork etc. We had to sit the children down and talk them through it; since they were early teens we gave them choices as to who they wanted to live with, and we explained that each of us loved the children very much, the divorce was not the children's fault.

Another downside was accommodation, I had to find somewhere to live as the house went with my husband's job. Finances were tight and we had no savings, so it wasn't as though I got much money out of the divorce...there was nothing to split, no house to sell and get proceeds from. I ended up renting but it was fine, my daughter lived with me but my son came to me in the holidays.

I had to make sure I had a fulltime job, which meant commuting from a rural area. My daughter was only 13 but she had to get herself up and off to school as I'd already left, and she had to come home to an empty house and serve her own supper from the slow cooker (which I'd already left on from the morning). It was hard for her but she actually gained a great deal of independence from doing this, and it stood her good stead in the future. It meant I had to be super organised to do all this, as there was no-one else to help out.

We didn't go on holidays together for a few years, there was just no money at all. But I became much closer to the children than we had been before.

I guess putting this down clarifies it really....the main issues are the children, finances, accommodation and sorting out the practicalities when it's just you as a lone parent doing everything. But those things change over time....the children grow older, you become more organised, finances get better.

You don't want to hear about the positives but I can assure you there were far more positives than the negatives and if I had my time over again, I would still do it.

I didn't bother with other relationships until the children had finally left home; I tried OLD but got bored with it. Personally I'm happy on my own (after two short relationships) but obviously other people are different, that may not suit you at all.

I hope that helps, good luck.

Pretty much the same for me as this. It's the practicalities of everything and decision making all the time was hard until my young 3 teens were old enough to contribute their opinions. I didn't have family close enough by so it was very lonely as well. Some are better being alone, some aren't so it depends if it would be an issue for you. I must agree that the benefits far, far outweigh all the hard times and negatives. I would absolutely do it again.

I0NA · 02/02/2022 16:09

Watching your ex manipulate and emotionally blackmail your teenagers the way he used to do to you.

Watching then gradually see though him and know how painful that is for them.

Having less money.

Of course the actual process of getting the divorce is shit.

The “ family “ that you spent 20 years running around after suddenly act like you and your kids never existed.

“ Friends “ not speaking to you anymore . ( Of course they were never friends in the first place ).

But that’s all bearable because of the joy of freedom from abuse, manipulation, lies, cheating and gas lighting.

And knowing that you have protected your children from living with that abuse.

Lots of women find that their chronic mental health conditions ( such as anxiety and depression ) gradually disappear. And if you are in your 50s you will know that NOTHING is more important than your health.

Corroboree · 02/02/2022 16:10

I think the biggest fear for me is if I become incapacitated in some way but my children need support.
That applies while I'm still married though...

sweetbellyhigh · 02/02/2022 16:13

You sound very frail. Maybe not a great time to start a thread x

Bagelsandbrie · 02/02/2022 16:19

@Shodan

I've found that the main downside is when several rotten things happen at once: The outside drain blocks and I ding the car and The binbag tears and A professional body doesn't do what it's supposed to do and Someone forgets a birthday/meet up.

Then I sometimes wished that I had someone else around, even if it was just for a hug.

Evenings out with couples can be a bit dismal occasionally too.

Yes this is quite true… I remember my outside drain blew up (raw sewage all over the front drive / garden) at the same time as my boiler blew up and was condemned - I was half way through my divorce at the time and dh was having the time of his life holidaying in Russia with the other woman. Never felt so shit. But told myself he was utterly shit at dealing with anything like that anyway, so I wouldn’t have felt any less alone.