The downside of divorce. (Please tread gently.)

[Estherpologist]

First things first, please don't give me a hard time.
Now please, I'm feeling very fragile, so please take on board everything in this post before you comment.
If you haven't been through your own divorce in your late 40s / 50s, please don't respond to this thread - I'm sure your experience is valid, but it likely has no parallels to mine. If you have, especially with early teens kids, then I'm interested in your opinion.
I know the possible and probable up sides of divorce. SO PLEASE DON'T tell me why its the right thing to do. And I'm feeling massively fragile and very defensive today, so if you haven't read this, I'm very sorry, if I tell you to . I'm sorry, but please don't tell me why divorce is the right thing to do. I'm sick of feeling - well, what I feel now I irrelevant to my question, so please don't be the usual internet and please, if you're not going to answer the question directly, please don't answer it at all. And I understand every divorce is different and I don't give a flying * what the up sides are, right now. I just need to be realistic and understand what the net gain/net loss could be FOR ME!

So as a 50-something, what are the down sides of divorce?

• Being responsible for everything (with kids, it's a lot): money, care, housing, warmth of your nest and repairs, all admin, all worry, everything from having teabags to help with maths, from securing the future to caring about now. Consequently living a life as if you are going through lists of things to do, all evenings, all weekends, endless things to do; not living

• Loneliness. It became clear that bar old established friends, people like spending time in couples with couples. I started getting invitations in the style of: my husband is away this Saturday, do you want to come over. I founded it insulting (refused to come, didn't form friendships). Same with holidays. Difficult to holiday on your own

For me, these two. I initiated the divorce and got re-married 10 years later. I became a different person and live in a different world from the one I inhabited then. So it breaks one condition of your request - I went through this as a relatively young person and had time. Perhaps when one is older, it is possible to get stuck in these two difficulties, although kids do grow and more people get divorced/lose partners so its not as unusual - maybe - as when one is in their 30s

My mum and dad are separated last year, shes lonely and he's definitely lonely. Never heard either of them go on about money or bills so much so clearly struggling financially but at least they don't argue anymore

I think your OP is perfectly reasonable. I have nothing to offer, I'm not in the right category, but totally understand what you are trying to find out.
Hope you find a palatable way forward.

So much depends on circumstances and finances both in and outside of the marriage.

Many are financially worse off, but my XH was quite controlling over money (one time he told me we didn’t have money to buy food this week, then bought himself a kindle “for work”) so getting a decent chunk of maintenance plus tax credits has meant that I am personally in a stronger position after leaving him. He was surprisingly generous re housing so the DC and I stayed out and he left. It means I’m financially tied to him via the mortgage but that’s a small price to pay.

I was already lonely in my marriage so the chance to date again was a good thing. Unfortunately a lot of men (yea probably women too ) are fucking useless, so you’ll have to kiss a lot of frogs, but again, if you see it as a numbers game and just keep finding those frogs, maybe one will be a prince. If not hopefully you’ve had fun trying - got to be better than watching box sets with a husband you hate.

My kids haven’t been traumatised by it at all, they’re happy and well adjusted, but I know that many kids are. I have to say this is probably down to the attitudes of their parent(s) so if your ex is going to dick about then they’ll probably by upset by it. If you can both be respectful, communicate well and make sure the kids have the tools to cope with any changes then they’ll be fine.

I would have said it was the best decision I had made because I met someone amazing shortly after I split with XH. However many years later it turns out he wasn’t so amazing and I’m back at square one again, a single mum, having to panic about money and wondering if I’ll ever meet someone nice, which ten years later feels like a big ask. But would I want to go back to XH? Hell no.

I'm 43. Separated 3 years ago. Started divorce proceedings.
Downsides for me are

the loneliness. Nights are long and dark and the kids head to their rooms leaving me sat alone so I've got into a rut of going to my room too.
Not knowing if Its worth meeting someone because I can't see how I could go on dates or spend the night with them or even join families eventually etc as it's all too complicated with the kids.
Constantly checking the bank balance to make sure bills are paid and kids can have what they want and need because it's all down to me now.
Constantly checking the calendar and sorting appointments so I can do everything for everyone because it's all down to me now.
Sadness when I say a joke that was 'ours' and no one laughs.
Wanting to just hibernate away because it's all too much but I can't because the kids need me.

All these are the worst parts for me. BUT I would never go back to my marriage because I can tell you that what is worse than all the above is feeling the same way but thinking someone is next to you supposed to be doing it all with you and not actually there.

Divorcing with teens is hard
Harder than with joint children i think
They can be terribly impacted especially if it comes at gcse/a levels
That’s the reality
Downsides depend on your finances really. You can be a lot worse off financially and have less time and chances to recover

lurking here OP to see if you get Answers

my kids are grown up (18+) and should all be flying the nest soon

I intend to go, too

all the things listed as cons- the boiler breaking, the drains blocking- I do them anyway. The only thing my H does is lifts and shopping- and, as he has pointed out, uber and the tesco delivery man can cover those

I know I'll be skint. and I know I'll be alone. But being alone (I think/hope) is not as bad as living with someone who cuts you out, doesn't love you and doesn't look after you

...maybe this is a hoplessly romantic sort of way to feel, and I'll be brought up short when I can't pay a gas bill

we'll see!

good luck OP x

Starting again financially. Feeling like a whole chapter of my life is written off and not having anyone to reminisce with about moments only we shared with our child. Zero regrets though

Taking on the load yourself.
Housework, parenting and financial.
Splitting assets. We were amicable so he didnt touch my pension and I didnt touch his. We shared debt.
Moments of nostalgia over my old wedding dress and photos!
Missing DC when they holiday with him.
Missing my nieces & nephews on his side.
ExH co parents in a very limited way.

I have now married again and am very happy.

@TheVanguardSix

The financial implications can be tough… but really, that’s the ONLY downside.

I agree. I missed out on significant widow’s pension when he died a few years later.

We had no shared children though, and I can see that might trigger some regrets.

I divorced in my mid forties and the next ten years were very hard. I found increasing my working hours to full-time plus dealing with everything else exhausting, especially as I had an early menopause.

I feel I missed out on my children’s teenage years because I was just trying to survive financially and keeping a non-leaking roof over our heads! Weekends and evenings were increasingly spent ferrying the children around to their activities and friends, and many of my own friends disappeared. However, the ones who remained turned out to be a fantastic support!

I have no close family so perhaps if you have supportive parents and/or siblings, your experience could be quite different to mine. I can’t say that life was happier for me post divorce for many years, and my eldest son was affected badly.

Years later I met someone and am now remarried and relatively content. I have often wondered though whether all the stress and upheaval of the divorce was actually worth the pain and financial hardship suffered, but I guess it depends how unbearable the marriage has become.. I hope things work out for you OP, whatever you decide to do.

The downsides are only financial in my experience. I took on a bigger mortgage than I had before (on my own). I'm in a house I wouldn't have envisaged myself being in if I'd stayed with him. I have less income to live on as there's only one income not two. I still have my pension so I should be ok on retirement. My H could stand to inherit a fair bit, so I wouldn't share in that.

I suppose there is also the re-imagining of your whole future. The future you saw with you H. The retirement, grand children, travel plans, all of that. But most of that was eroded for me by the time we divorced, and it's easy to re-imagine all of that.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. If it's any consolation, the upsides far outweigh the downsides.

Well
There’s the constant niggling background feeling that any man who comes into your life may have nefarious intentions, especially when you have teenage children.
There’s the fact that teenagers can be arseholes and their allegiances change like the wind to whichever parent gives the more freedom/money, and that might not be you.
There’s the fact that you may have to watch your ex set up a new family fairly fast, effectively adding another parent (who you may not know or trust) into the family dynamic.
There’s dating in the internet age, and the sheer amount of creepy fetishy weirdos you have to trawl through.
There’s finances.
There’s the fact that you will lose friends and possibly lose contact with some family. Some will be awkward, some will piss you off, some will side with ex.
Then there’s all the worry about what if you die or become seriously ill etc etc. There’s University fees, the stress of older teens coming home in the early hours and the non resident parent not really needing to give a fuck about that.
There are quite a few in fact.
This is quite one sided as you wished though.

I got divorced in my early 40s and now 5 years on from that. I would say the main downside is financial - going from a 2 to 1 income household. I'm lucky that I'm on a good salary and have a nice life, but it means I can't afford the holidays I would have booked without thinking when I was married, for example. I'm also conscious that I'll have to manage on one pension in the future.

Not having an extra pair of hands to get things done can be a pain. There's no doubling up in the evenings, where one person cooks and the other listens to the kids read etc. Everything id on you, so your time is stretched.

I also live somewhere where there are very few divorcees, so I sometimes feel a bit out of kilter with the married, middle class family lifestyles of the majority of my friends. I've also experienced a sense of sometimes not fitting in. For example there's a group of school mums who could very easily include me in their get togethers but don't. I think in part it's because most of these get togethers are couples get togethers and I don't fit the template.

But ... and I know you don't want to hear it, these things are minor issues and I absolutely love my life.

Here’s another
When you divorce , many males in your vicinity will try it on, especially the ones you least expect.
ESPECIALLY the married ones, the ones you least expect. They’ll seek moments when you are fragile and emotional to pounce, and they’ll invade your personal space in barely perceptible ways that will make you feel as though you’re going insane. I had men stroke my hair, stroke my feet (wtf!),unexpectedly hug me from behind in a bar …and they’ll ramp up the sexual innuendo too.

Parenting teens is hard. Coparenting them with an ex partner is even harder.

I think it's fair to ask for a realistic picture of the downsides, especially if you're feeling a bit fragile. I was 49 when I initiated my divorce, DDs were 14 and 16. The main downside was financial - we had to cut so many things out of the budget to make ends meet. When the washing machine died a week after he moved out it really felt like a punch in the face. And I was and always had been emplyed full time!

The logistics and the paperwork and the stress were a definite downside - he was angry with me for divorcing him and even angrier when he saw the petition because he didn't agree with the unreasonable behaviour I had stated. Threatened to refuse to sign - but his email was evidence that he had received and read the petition. He caved before long.

Managing his relationship with DDs was tough - as in, they refused to see him. He had become an abusive alcoholic and had been removed from the house by police, they didn't want contact, but all the feelings still had to be dealt with. I self referred to a parenting course specifically for parents in my situation and it really helped.

The mental load was a two-sided coin - I had been carrying it alone anyway because he couldn't. Knowing I was really on my own was tough - but it was also liberating because it meant I was in control of things.

It's not easy to untangle yourself from a marriage. My husband actually died before the nisi was granted so technically I'm a widow. But life was honestly so much better without him.

I know you don't want upsides, but let me give you one you may not have heard: three days after my husband left the family home, my DD1 was having a shower. And I heard her singing in the shower. She hadn't done that in years because her dad would always shout at her to stop. That made it all worth it.

three days after my husband left the family home, my DD1 was having a shower. And I heard her singing in the shower. She hadn't done that in years because her dad would always shout at her to stop. That made it all worth it.

That’s lovely and also really sad pointy

Sadness when I say a joke that was 'ours' and no one laughs. Yes, this. And also hearing “our song” or a TV show we used to watch together or even the restaurants we went to regularly where we would order our 2 favourite things and share them. But this is harder with XDP of 9 years than with XH of 12 years purely because DP and I ‘dated’ more, whereas XH and I were quickly married with kids and domestic drudgery.

The worst negative in for me was undoubtedly stbxh trying to force our DC to choose sides. I will never be ever forgive him for that. My eldest now adult DS has never forgiven him either.

I found it hard because we had been married for 20 years got along really well and it came as such a shock to find he had been cheating on me as we still had a good sex life. I just could not understand why?

We had a good social life and went out with other couples. I felt out of place when invited out and friends were all in couples. I tried hard not to discuss divorce even with best friends as I was worried they would think I was a moaner. After about 8 months I started to feel more comfortable again especially as stbeh was not invited to the couple's dinners and events but he did get invited to a drink with the men a few times.

Personally finances for me were not too bad as I worked full time as a teacher HoD so my own salary ok for me to live on.

The divorce process was a nightmare because stbxh did not fill out forms and return promptly. Then failed to turn up at court and phoned in with excuse on 2 occasions. On second time judge ordered he turn up following time or would be divorced in absentia and.

I think that is it.

Co parenting a teenager. Where I said no, he said yes, messed up my child no end.
Absolutely nothing else, everything else was so much easier.

It hasn't been a downside for me parenting teens alone. I have grown so close to my teens and just love the unit we have become. It's been so lovely.

(they're fucking annoying sometimes of course).

I divorced in my mid 40's - no kids.

Financially it's been hard, shouldering all the bills myself and affording to buy a place will be not easy. But he was horrible with money, while I'm a saver, so that's a massive relief.

I was always good at DIY and stuff like that so it's no issue to manage on my own. I think, I miss having someone I like to be around and do stuff with but don't miss my ex(because I don't like him).

The in-laws basically never spoke to me again but they were a weird bunch. I've found that he doesn't want to explain why we divorced to people (it reflects badly on him) so he has just lost contact with other people we had in common.

To answer your actual question - there weren’t any. Genuinely. Tough to go through it (he cheated - we’d been married well over 20 years, I was early 50s), but totally worth it, many of the pluses have already been mentioned. You do sound very fragile just now though op - I feel for you as I have been there, but just try to take it easy and take care of yourself.

A big thing for me was grieving the life I thought we would have and getting all teary when I saw old married couples together. You will be dumped by his family and that hurts. He is likely to rewrite history so that he is the hero and you are the villain.

For me it is the little things. I have to put out the rubbish, find someone to do the DIY that I can't manage and look after myself when I'm ill.

There are lots and lots of pluses and you just end up being more organised. I have a store cupboard if food and medicine in case I get ill, a list of people to do DIY and a laugh at myself as I put the rubbish out and grumble that I paid thousands to divorce him and now I haul the trash solo.

On that note the cost of divorce can be very high. Thousands. Get a good lawyer who is upfront about how much this is going to cost you.

I think most people have mentioned the downsides but I will emphasis - if you are older it is more difficult to meet good men so prepare to be single. Men in their 40s & 50s will seek out younger women so there isn't the available pool of men. Those left might not appeal to you so unless you settle you could remain single. That means going to events, weddings, parties, holidays solo (maybe once your children grow up).