The downside of divorce. (Please tread gently.)

[Estherpologist]

First things first, please don't give me a hard time.
Now please, I'm feeling very fragile, so please take on board everything in this post before you comment.
If you haven't been through your own divorce in your late 40s / 50s, please don't respond to this thread - I'm sure your experience is valid, but it likely has no parallels to mine. If you have, especially with early teens kids, then I'm interested in your opinion.
I know the possible and probable up sides of divorce. SO PLEASE DON'T tell me why its the right thing to do. And I'm feeling massively fragile and very defensive today, so if you haven't read this, I'm very sorry, if I tell you to . I'm sorry, but please don't tell me why divorce is the right thing to do. I'm sick of feeling - well, what I feel now I irrelevant to my question, so please don't be the usual internet and please, if you're not going to answer the question directly, please don't answer it at all. And I understand every divorce is different and I don't give a flying * what the up sides are, right now. I just need to be realistic and understand what the net gain/net loss could be FOR ME!

So as a 50-something, what are the down sides of divorce?

You have to balance all these downsides against the positives.
Living on your own and having responsibility for all household suff or dysfunctional marriage? I know what I would choose.
The hardest part of something is making the decision. Sometimes it’s a relief once the choice is made.

Age is not as relevant as you think. Im 51 now and left with two toddlers at 37 so that might be too young for you to hear my views.

37 or 57 it was all very painful to begin woth, i had a lot of rumination and anxiety
and a poor sense of myself. I felt v fragile and was in no state to meet somebody else until i made the adjustment in my head to single mother.

I felt a loss of status.
Even when i made some new friends, i was good enough for coffees but not good enough for couply stuff. That hurt at the time.

But you really move beyond caring about that shit. It was nothing more than schoolgate stuff.

Also financially, to this day at 51, my house is tiny, not all gorgeous, its quite shabby, but i work hard now and im feathering my own nest.

I never met anybody else long term, even tho at 37 my family may have hoped that for me.

But i have a secure job, a home, a pension, freedom! Im delighted with myself now 🍷😅

Late 40s, primary age child. He just walked away so kept house and pension but left with large debts. Long haul to pay it all off due to funding everything solo. No hope of early retirement and need to stay in work which can be very stressful. Not able to provide dc with proper holidays, restricts extra curricular activities.

BUT it is still much better than being married to xh and I'm happier and that rubs off on dc. Plus setting good example of not putting up with crap and being resilient.

Don't assume you will meet someone else. It's really, really difficult in your late 40s onwards. Most of the single men at that age are single for a good reason and/or don't want a relationship. Any that are fanciable date younger. So you have to assume you might well be alone forever.

Teenage children don't want to spend time with you but they do want driving places and feeding at different times. This can be really difficult logistically if you have more than one child. They are no longer good company on a family day out like they were when they were younger.

If there's any heavy lifting you will have to do it or it won't get done. I still have a heavy CRT tv in the corner of one room waiting for my son's to grow big enough to lift it.

If you are ill there is noone to pop out to get medication, to drive you if you can't drive yourself, to accompany you to hospital appointments. Lots of hospital procedures assume you can get someone to collect you and stay with you overnight. As you get over 50 the likelihood of some level of ill health increases, so these things become more relevant.

If you live in an area with lots of couples, expect to be frozen out from a lot of social events.

His family will side with him. If over the years they have become your family as well this is painful.

There is no one who will remember with you details about the kids when they were small. No one to back you up if you children are being difficult teens. No one to consult with if there are problems at school you want to talk over.

Downsides for me:
Not having my ex around when things were tough, after 20 years together we had a good understanding of each other and its like losing a family member - there are times I've missed his support
Family/friends taking his side or in being "neutral" effectively hurting me
Less ability to influence some of his more shitty behaviours and the impact of those on my children
No contact with my ex in laws. I got on with them extremely well. Two of my exs close family have died in the intervening period and I haven't been able to grieve them or acknowledge that it upset me

However. My exH was an unfaithful manipulative scumbag who sexually coerced me and spent thousands of our family savings on various sexual activities. The upsides of not having that in my life massively outweigh the difficulties.

The gas bill is deducted from my account so ive never been unable to pay the gas bill
What happens is that you might realise in tesco that you're going to put back the chicken marylands back and have cheese on toast for dinner and it wont harm anybody.

I do not quite fit your criteria, a few years too young, although I don't feel it! I do have a pre-teen and an early teen though. But I will try to answer anyway.

Downsides I was worried about were mainly financial. I took several years out to be a SAHP to help exH build his career faster, I would be playing catch up, but with no support at home for sick children, or dentist appointments etc. Would I be able to build up my pension enough? If I had been older at the time, I think I would have felt this pressure even more.

I was worried about being able to afford a decent enough house for us. Choosing something too small, but no work, or something with space, but having to do ALL the diy again! Or find the money for tradesmen etc. Would DC want to bring friends over? Would they end up rather spending time at their Dad's because I wouldn't be able to afford the latest devices, and he buys takeaways all the time?

All of the above actually turned out to be irrelevant. I'm much better off financially, and work lets me shift some of stuff around, so when DCs are with their Dad I can get more done, so need to do a little less when they're home.

The actual downsides have mostly been specific to my situation, exMIL and SIL behaving very poorly, exH continuing his behaviour. It has caused some difficulties in co-parenting, and both schools had to be made aware.

Smaller downsides, the sheer amount of paperwork, and effort it took to get the flipping thing done! As we ended up having to go through the solicitors a lot, it was quite costly too, but I was better off for it as it got me a fair deal.

None of the practical downsides mentioned above really applied to me. I was already doing all the housework and cooking, and most of the childcare, whilst working full time. I never had support when ill, and I had to do all the diy myself. After divorce I just had no one picking holes in everything, or giving me extra chores. Cleaned the kitchen? It stays clean! I also slept much better. I could write an essay on the upsides for me, but I won't. But they greatly outweigh the downsides.

OP I hope you're ok. It's such a huge decision you're right to consider the downsides.
Holidays are quite different without a second adult. Not as restful, quite stressful at times. Ditto any kind of meal out etc.
Decisions about life stuff are just yours (actually that's also an upside depending on what the father of your kids is like)
Financially it's a challenge.
Practically people offer to help but when it comes down to it they can change their minds, you're not their priority.
The upkeep of the house if you're a homeowner can be tricky with one.
You've got to take your own bins out.
The divorce process itself is horrible, again it depends on your partner but it can be extremely stressful when they're threatening to destroy you. But it passes.
None of the downside are unmanageable, you just need to learn to think a bit differently. I would absolutely do it again, my life is do much better.
You will know when the time is right

I'm not divorced but my best friend is and, for her, the main downside was being away from her children half the week because they agreed 50:50 contact. It's got easier over time but the pain of being separated from them was devastating for her at first. Neither DC coped well either and one is now a desperately unhappy teen.

I divorced at 40 I’m in my 50s now.

Down sides.

I lost my best friend coz she was married to his brother.

I lost our financially because I was stupid.

I have dated since but don’t have a partner or a someone and it’s lonely.

But omg the upsides are so so much more

My house is calm there are no arguments.

My money is up to me to spend and if I want to spend it on myself I don’t have anyone to account to

I can do what I want and go where I want and not be accountable for every minute of my day

I can be me and not have to lessen myself to please him

You can’t talk about the downs without the ups as well.

I hope you’re ok

Putting out the bin is definitely a downside.

I pay a man to cut my grass because I can’t.

I have found a good mechanic and deal with all the car stuff through him. I don’t even change my wiper blades.

I have my wee dog and a kitten 😁

I know my boundaries and I don’t let anyone cross them. I’ve dated blokes and once there was a red flag they were binned. I’m not going to be in a bad relationship again.

Being stuck with a house that costs too much to run once the children hit 18, and maintenance stops.
Being unable to make your ex see that even though they are 18 they are still costing you financially (just as they would if you were still a couple) and he should help with their driving lessons/car insurance/holidays.
Holidays are difficult especially if the family holiday with kids always falls to you.
Not having anyone to take turns waiting in for work people if you need anything fixing in the house.
All time off filled with house/garden /life chores, and running the kids around.
Worry about changing jobs and pensions, no safety net of a second persons income in tight times

For me, the only downside is the regret that I didn't instigate the divorce years ago.
Yes it's cost me financially, but the upsides of no longer walking on eggshells or living with a not very nice person, far outweigh the downsides.
It was a bit of a double whammy combined with menopause at the same time, but yes it was the right thing to do.

Consequently living a life as if you are going through lists of things to do, all evenings, all weekends, endless things to do; not living

This is so accurate..Generally more work falls to women in a household but it increases when single, especially if you have children. It's why men often seek a partner so they don't have to handle the mundane tasks of running a household. I also think men are prepared to carve out relaxation time for themselves and can be guilt free when doing so. This is something single women could benefit from doing.

Observations regarding a close friend -
Finances - she had to get a job - although she's got a decent pension share eventually
Relocation- she couldn't afford the type of house she wanted where they lived so moved back home, a considerable way away.
Family life- her in laws have dumped her. They have a shared older daughter and she had to negotiate her recent wedding only 6 months after divorce.
Change of lifestyle - his well paid job enabled her to live a pretty relaxed life so she's had a shock as not worked full time for over 25 yrs and work plus the required travel has meant less time for hobbies and relaxation.

For me the only downside is having to share access to the kids with someone I'd happily never see again

Everything else is upside. I wish I had done it years before. Financially even without his earnings I am wealthier as he used to spend spend spend. I actually have a healthy savings account now & I'm really proud of myself for how well I've coped

If it helps I see the situation as a ladder: at the top are couples with an amazing healthy relationship, at the bottom are couples struggling in relationships & I see myself in the middle. I'm quite content with that

@neveragain85 i am the same x earned a fortune but it was very much his. He spent a lot on himself. I eked out an allowance. So now, roll on 14 years, i have a job and i 3njoy treating myself on my birthday and at christmas. I have savings though. I dont go mad. Im very proud of myself too.

My biggest upside is feeling alive again and having fun. All of us feel safe and secure and you can't put a price on that.

I know, it's amazing to feel secure and free.

But i understand op's hesitancies. I felt them too. I wasnt naive. I knew it would be hard. I hoped it wouldnt be hard forever.
But i actually couldnt have anticipated how secure and content and free i am now

Divorce can be scary/overwhelming to contemplate. I divorced in my late 40s, and teenage son was much happier afterwards. There are lots of posts saying "no-one to take care of you when you are ill" - that's true, but also you don't have to take care of some-one when they're ill too, so swings and roundabouts. Can feel shaky and uncertain in the first few months, but it does get better and life is much easier once you get to the other side. Downsides - I can think of very few, I had sole custody of my son so no having to share contact. Loss of contact with ExDP family, but not necessarily a bad thing and hopefully won't affect the kids' relationship with that side of the family. I found being a single parent much easier than parenting in a relationship. Check out this article on Psychology Today from Bella dePaulo - this totally reflects my own experience. www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202105/moms-husbands-more-chores-less-sleep-single-moms.

If you are ready to leave an unhappy relationship, the thought of divorce and its aftermath is more scary that the reality. Check out some of Bella DePaulo's other work, that shows that people do recover from divorce.

Get good legal advice if you are contemplating divorce. Good luck - here's a hug.

Honestly, having to mow the grass myself. But without the moping and dragging it out all afternoon and failing to put the mower away.

Losing the nicer members of OH's family.
Depending on your current relationship with soon to be exH, expect the worse side of his personality to come to fore in a divorce. Remember, this is to be expected and the very reason for the divorce. Don't expect reasonable behaviour, you can waste much emotional energy being baffled and aggrieved.

I divorced in my early 50s, about 6 years ago now.

I haven't experienced any downsides.

I dont meet a your criteria but I don't think that makes me any less able to comment. Do with it what you want.
Downsides...
-Financial - you're closer to retirement age, does the divorce push back this time line? Teenagers have different expenses to younger kids, are you able to afford these? Are you stable in your job? Definitely harder to start again if you've been a SAHP.
-Relationships- you may find it hard to get out there, meet someone new. You could be possibly spending your retirement years on your own, could you handle that?
-Mentally-are you strong enough to do life on your own?