Intolerable living situation

[Onmeway]

DP is not going to change or follow through on any of the promises he made after our trial separation earlier this year.

Any discussion that I now try to have with him about it, he looks at me vacantly, eyes wide, rabbit in headlights and says nothing. He has however agreed to move in with his parents, but not until January as he apparently needs time to set up sleeping arrangements for our children during his time with them. No plans have actually been made though and no beds have been bought or set up for them. Infact, his parents don't even know that he plans on moving back home.

I am a bit ragey and I feel crappy about myself for it.

He keeps talking to me as if nothing is happening, making me cups of tea, has bought me flowers, because all of that is easier than following through on any promises. He has also been gas-lighting me, denying that I have asked him to do things that I have- I was able to prove him wrong last week and then he called me out for being petty. Then I'm upset and angry and he thinks a bunch of lillies will soften me. He's shouting at the children more because he's tired and stays up watching Netflix until the early hours. It is making me angry because he's masking the real, deep-seated problems. It has come to a point where his very presence makes me want to cry. We sleep in separate rooms thankfully and have done for a long time. I'm so angry with him that it has come to this and that I'm having to instigate this separation and break our children's hearts. They will be devastated. And he is pottering around making cups of tea and making idle chit chat and won't talk about anything remotely serious. But he's happy to have really pathetic arguments about minor things. I am starting to shout a lot and I don't want to be this person shouting infront of the children.

I feel trapped because I am waiting for him to leave to get on with my life but he's making no arrangements and I know it will just be dragged out after Christmas. I've sent him messages of custody templates on separation for his input and he doesn't respond. He thinks all will be ok if we just go out for a nice meal or to the theatre. He doesn't quite grasp that I can't bare his company and do not love him anymore and do not want to spend any time with him. I have declined the theatre tickets he has booked and said that I will not spend any time in his company on my own.

I'm So ready to move on with my life, but have nowhere to go and nobody to go and stay with. I could find somewhere to rent if I become desperate but I need this to be a last resort as I don't want lots of moves for the DCs. I want to sell the house eventually and buy something small for DCs and I. DP is stalling everything. We own the house 50/50.

I'm going out as much as I can to the gym, seeing friends sometimes too. But I can't keep on physically removing myself from my children all the time just to be away from him. I'm tired and want to relax in my own house on an evening but can't tolerate sitting next to him on the sofa watching Grand Designs as if nothing is happening. I don't like the person I'm becoming in this situation, although I know it's me fighting to change it, it's not good for the children to see me so ragey all the time. None of my anger is directed at them at all, just DP. I honestly feel like I hate him. I'm either angry or crying. The only times I'm ok is when I'm alone with my children, I'm out of the house without him or I'm at work. It's him. His presence. I'm so angry with him.

I'm so sorry @Onmeway This is an awful way to live, and I could have written every word of that myself (apart from the fact you are preparing to separate - I still need to get to that stage, even though he knows I've been unhappy for years.)

And he is pottering around making cups of tea and making idle chit chat and won't talk about anything remotely serious. But he's happy to have really pathetic arguments about minor things

Dh does this. He knows how long I have been unhappy and that separation is a real possibility, but buries his head in the sand. He'll talk to me about Strictly (of all things) asking me to predict the scores etc, when I'm screaming on the inside that I have to take the decision to change my life, his life and the kids lives, and it's tearing me apart. I dunno, 8?? Ffs.

He doesn't quite grasp that I can't bare his company and do not love him anymore and do not want to spend any time with him. I have declined the theatre tickets he has booked and said that I will not spend any time in his company on my own.

Why are they so blind? Why do they not understand that the last thing we want is to have a fake nice night out together? Dh bought tickets for us both to see a band a while ago and I said I didn't want to go, which led to him calling me selfish, ungrateful, unreasonable etc. And then he went on to tell me I didn't have the brains to ask him to come out for a run with me......Well guess what, I want to run on my own! I do not want him to come with me!!! Has he not taken the hint?! But then you feel terrible for daring to say no.

I'm going out as much as I can to the gym, seeing friends sometimes too. But I can't keep on physically removing myself from my children all the time just to be away from him. I'm tired and want to relax in my own house on an evening but can't tolerate sitting next to him on the sofa watching Grand Designs as if nothing is happening.

This is exactly why I run - to get away. But just like you, if I spend time out of the house, it's time away from the kids, and the last thing I want to do is be away from them. It's like being torn in two, the desperate need for time alone, and the guilt of walking out the door and the kids looking up at me as if they're saying please don't be too long.
I can't relax in my own home either. I find myself just literally standing in the kitchen, usually wound up and angry, or just a bit lost, rather than sit near him. In fact, a lot of the time I can't sit down as he is sprawled out on the sofa.

The only times I'm ok is when I'm alone with my children, I'm out of the house without him or I'm at work. It's him. His presence. I'm so angry with him.

When he's not in, it's perfect. Just me and the boys, we all feel so much more relaxed and relieved. They're so natural with me, but really stiffen up around him. He tries to talk to them (occasionally) but it's so forced, like a distant uncle who sees them once a year. He'll say things like "do you like school?" like a random stranger. I heard him asking our eldest last night what time his bus comes and what time he gets to school. He's been getting the bus for two and a half years now.

Anyway, I know how you feel, you just want him gone. And I also know how it turns you into someone you're not. He sees me as miserable and huffy, when nothing could be further from the truth. I have such a laugh at work with my friends, but he sees none of this as I just feel rage within ten seconds of getting home at the things he does and the way he makes me feel.

I feel as if this is no help to you!!!! I really hope he will move out soon and let you get on with your life. Just wanted to send and solidarity x

@19Bears & @Onmeway I hope you don't mind me jumping on the bandwagon here. I have being following closely as everything resonates with me so much; like looking in a mirror! I gain so much strength from you all as still haven't made the move to have the conversation. I desperately want to, but am scared (of what, I haven't quite worked out yet!) DH hasn't spoken to me since August & I in turn have now become just as bad; not even grey rock. I'm ignoring him now too. This is not me at all. I tried to talk to him but he just refused any conversation. Then resorted to texting him my feelings; zero response. Have the most beautiful 8 yr old DS. He obviously sees how dysfunctional this is and as much as I'm trying to shield him I know I'm not succeeding. I feel I'm getting closer to telling him I'm done but then I fail to muster that last bit of courage to do it. We sleep in separate rooms as I told him to back in August. I have tried to explain I need the peace for my mental health but get no reaction. I am trying so hard to get there but am struggling. I just wanted to let you both know how much your posts support me and actually keep me going !

💐💐 to you both @19Bears @findthecourage. It is so, so hard right now for us. We have to try to change this dynamic, we have to fight for change. We can't carry on like this. It's killing who we are.

At the moment, I'm torn between sticking up for myself confronting his gaslighting or obstructive behaviour or keeping the peace for the DCs :(

Xx

@Onmeway Exactly that, I feel I'm unlearning 20 year old behaviours I adopted just to keep the peace or to be the one that really 'got him'. We are works in progress. A dear friend told me that being in the trenches is so so tough, and just to take each day. Am trying but also I do worry if I will not be strong enough to go through with it or just relent so the toxicity goes away ......

For the past three or four years I've swung back and forth hundreds of times a day between 'i can't go on like this, we have to separate, and it will be ok in the end' and 'don't be so silly, it's not that bad, get on with it.' I was hoping this would improve and my mind would be clearer with time, and counselling, but I honestly feel no further forward :(

If I was you I would actually get the ball rolling and invite him to mediation so you sort out the house situation etc. Maybe get some valuations done so you can agree a price and what estate agents/solicitors you will use re the house. Making these small steps will allow you to feel you are at least taking some small steps towards the future Tell him you need him to confirm a date he is moving out for mediation purposes etc. The only other way to do it is that you both stay put and put the house on the market ASAP. Could one of you afford to buy the other out? Then sit down and list the furniture and decide who gets what when you both have your own place.

What @gonnabeok said. You need to take action to force the ball rolling as he is clearly not going to do it. Can you set up mediation? Also are you planning on staying in the house? The other option you have is to force its sale and therefore you will be free of being housemates! If he won’t budge you could leave, and then he’d have to sell or buy you out. Sounds from your original post he doesn’t think anything is going to come from it and that you will just end up staying together! X

I am not sure why but this seems to be very common with men, this pretending that everything is ok and ignoring not just our feelings and needs but direct messages. Of course it makes it so much harder to deal with this situation if you keep coming back to talk about it. I told my ex multiple times that our marriage is in crises, asked him to go for couples counseling, which he refused, and still when I finally told him that I wanted to end it he was surprised. He said he did not think if was "that bad".

He moved out four months ago and still maintains the innocence in all this. He has no idea why I broke our marriage when he was such a great husband. He does not realize that that exact thing tells what a lousy husband he actually was. For me to be so unhappy to want to divorce him while he had no idea why.

I spoke to my DH this week, told him that I can’t live like this any longer, we left it that he’s thinking about it. I asked him to move out. He doesn’t know I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor on Monday.
He hasn’t said another word to me about it, and he suddenly started doing DIY jobs that I asked to be done years ago.
I try not to sit in the same room as him.
I don’t know how I feel now.
I feel quite calm but I’m having a wobble. On the one hand I don’t want to live like this, but in the other I don’t want to be alone and wholly responsible for a house. I really don’t know what to do.
I wondered if I need HRT, but that won’t stop him drinking a bottle of wine a day, not living within his means and being lazy.

I’ve not actually told him why we’re splitting, I’ve not done a list as it seems so petty to list all his faults over the years.
I wonder if I should do couples counselling first, but I’d only be staying with him for company and money.
I know I don’t want another relationship and I’ve got no friends, so why am I doing it ?
Part of me craves financial independence, part of me is scared.

@GoodnightGrandma I think you are beyond couples counselling now. There's only so much pretending you can do. If you just don't love someone, no amount of persuasion or encouragement (or guilt) can magic it all back. I get what you're saying - you don't want another relationship, so why bother. I feel a bit like this in that there's someone I could have moved on with, but it's not going to happen now, and I don't want anyone else, so it makes me wonder what the point is of completely changing my life and the kids lives. But, you'd be doing it for your own sanity. Better to be alone and free than alone as you already feel, but utterly trapped. I think you know you have to go through with it, and it will be the hardest period of your life, but you will get to the other side of it. Look at the statistics, it's not unusual to get divorced, it's completely normal. You are allowed to do it!! I know you know this, as I do, but I also get how hard it is to see ahead when you're in the fog. We can do it x

I like him generally, I feel an affection for him as he’s the father of my kids and we’ve been together for a long time. If he was ill I’d be concerned and care for him. I don’t know if love can come back.
What I feel I need right now is that I need financial independence.

It's getting worse here atmosphere wise. You know when there is almost an air of expectancy; feels like waiting for a volcano to erupt. I am steeling myself to tell him tomorrow evening but now I'm wondering if I should wait until after Christmas. I really don't know how he will react and am so worried for my DS and his memories of Christmas. They don't have long to experience that magic of it all & I don't want it destroyed for him. On the other hand, it's going to be just awful as we don't talk at all now. It will have to be me raising it with H about being civil with each other for DS over Christmas. Any advice welcomed !

There’s always an excuse not to have the talk.
I just bit the bullet and did it. I expected something to happen, an eruption or something, but it didn’t.
And I actually feel quite calm now I’ve said it. Just having a little wobble today, but I know I need to keep pushing on with it now I’ve started.
I’m hopeful we’ll say nothing to the kids until new year, and just carry on for now.

Had myself all psyched up to tell him this evening & I chickened out. Both been avoiding each other all day. Was bathing DS and heard him going into the spare bedroom. He's in bed at 7pm ! It wouldn't have been an ideal time to tell him as would only have had a few minutes free, but tbh I don't think he's even going to respond. So why am I being such a coward, I'm nauseous and close to tears. I am so drained from all of it & now I'm annoyed with myself too

I know how you feel @findthecourage I was determined to tell him today, but the day has gone by again. He was away at some gig all day and all night yesterday, has done nothing but sit around watching sport and bloody Strictly, while I've done all the usual Sunday jobs. He's insisting on us going out to this event thing tonight (all of us) but the only tickets he could get were for the 10pm entry, so I've put the kids in the bath and got them ready to go out, while he continues to sit there. I just want to tell him to f* off, but no doubt he'll be thinking he's doing a great thing, all of us going out, so if I said anything I'd be ruining the evening. Just sick of feeling like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. One day we'll tell them xx

@19Bears I blurted it out on Monday evening. I said we needed to sort out what we were doing for Christmas for our DS as the situation is too unfair on him. He didn't respond verbally, just a shrug of the shoulders. So I just said we need to separate, I won't live this life any longer. I have had nothing since. Only text about how DS (which has been the norm since August). So, it seems I will have to keep driving everything without any input from him. Am so sad at the prospect of leaving the family home but no choice left. Hope you are all hanging in there, thank god for you guys. Keeps me going !

Well done @findthecourage All you can do is keep going. Don't back down because of worried about DS, it will all be worth this pain in the end. Do you own the house together? Can you get him to move out? There's such a lot of practical stuff to think of, I do know how hard it is even to think of, never mind go through with.

I'm still having heart palpitations and feel so wound up all the time, I wonder when I'm going to snap, either physically or mentally. It's my youngest DS's birthday tomorrow, and then the eldest in two weeks, then Christmas. I was really hoping I wouldn't let this drift again, but here we are. Again.

How are things with you @Onmeway ?

@19Bears I understand completely the feelings you are experiencing. I am still a ball of anxiety but was torturing myself but saying the words. I'm pointedly avoiding him now as I emotionally don't feel I am coping. Trying hard to be buoyant for my DS and plan for Christmas, with such a heavy heart. Am dreading it. He won't move out and know nothing practical can really happen until new year. We both own the family home. Happy Birthday for tomorrow for your little one. Little steps must be seen as a victory for us, doesn't always feel like that though! Love to all And keep the posts coming through xxx

Well done for telling him @findthecourage but your situation sounds like mine with him just burying his head in the sand.

My situation is still the same. Him making idle chit chat and asking me lots of ridiculous questions just to make conversation whilst avoiding the bigger issues.

I would love to be able to cohabit with him civilly but I just find living with him such a traumatic experience. Our children have been ill this week and as usual, he's shut his bedroom door on it all and slept through all the night wakings.

I however, am exhausted and managed to sleep through my alarm yesterday for work. As he was taking the day off with youngest poorly DC (his turn), rather than getting me up as he was awake, he sat up in his bed playing on his phone, allowing me to be late for work after sleeping through my alarm as DCs were still asleep.

He just doesn't give a shit. I got upset at having to rush and take eldest DC to school on my way to work. I ended up calling him a selfish prick infront of the DCs for not getting me up and pleasing himself on his phone. Eldest DC got upset that I'd sworn at her Dad. And then I feel horrible that I've become a part of the toxicity too. I have to leave him because he drives me mad. If he moved out, I obviously wouldn't be able to rely on him to wake me up but atleast the expectation for him to consider me sometimes wouldn't be tormenting me.

Start divorce proceedings. Why on earth are you putting up with this?

Mine did exactly the same - I call it controlling through inaction - we had to live together for 2 years while he refused to sell, move out or engage with the kids (also closed himself in the bedroom, playing the victim/martyr).

I had wanted a clean, amicable break & of course it was everything but.

I will never forgive him for forcing us to endure these two years. He managed to save up enough to buy me out by forcing us all to live a dysfunctional life.

@LargeProsecco @Onmeway thank you for posts. I have a feeling this is exactly what I will have going forward. But we don't have the idle chit chat, just pure dysfunctional daily life. The reason I haven't left yet @Frymetothemoon is, amongst other things, that burning question, will I destroy my DS (who adores his father). I have shielded him from as much as I can but I do appreciate, that isn't enough. I am trying very hard to get my ducks in a row. Have been to divorce solicitor who informed me not only will we have to sell the house but I will get less equity as he is a lower earner. I genuinely wish it were as simple as to walk away. I really do. I do understand how frustrating it is to read and wonder why we haven't left. Am ever hopeful we will all get there & appreciate everyone's guidance & advice

@19Bears @Onmeway How are you both doing ?

@findthecourage Well, I feel like I am drowning a little bit. I had a phone consultation with my GP this morning which was about my heart palpitations, but mostly we talked about my home situation which is probably the cause of it. She has known all about it for the past couple of years. I had a good cry with her, but also felt on edge as I was in the car just about to reverse off the drive at home when she rang, so I quickly pulled the car round behind the hedge where dh wouldn't be able to see me. Then because I had parked across the path, I blocked a couple pushing a pram and walking a dog, and they were angrily waving their arms around at me! I hadn't wanted to park there as I knew I was obstructing the path, but had to quickly answer the phone and stop the car. Anyway, if I could have apologised, or moved, I would have. This also made me late for work, and late ringing school to tell them my son is still off poorly. She has prescribed me something for my heart. I feel stressed to bits :(

DH knows none of this. He thinks I sail through life and take things in my stride, which to be fair I do, but underneath I am falling to pieces. He waves his antidepressants around, huffs and puffs about everything, and I don't say a word. He knows nothing about me going to counselling. I'm going to just have to spit it out. Rumbling along like this is really getting me down, mentally and physically.

Thanks for asking x