Intolerable living situation

[Onmeway]

DP is not going to change or follow through on any of the promises he made after our trial separation earlier this year.

Any discussion that I now try to have with him about it, he looks at me vacantly, eyes wide, rabbit in headlights and says nothing. He has however agreed to move in with his parents, but not until January as he apparently needs time to set up sleeping arrangements for our children during his time with them. No plans have actually been made though and no beds have been bought or set up for them. Infact, his parents don't even know that he plans on moving back home.

I am a bit ragey and I feel crappy about myself for it.

He keeps talking to me as if nothing is happening, making me cups of tea, has bought me flowers, because all of that is easier than following through on any promises. He has also been gas-lighting me, denying that I have asked him to do things that I have- I was able to prove him wrong last week and then he called me out for being petty. Then I'm upset and angry and he thinks a bunch of lillies will soften me. He's shouting at the children more because he's tired and stays up watching Netflix until the early hours. It is making me angry because he's masking the real, deep-seated problems. It has come to a point where his very presence makes me want to cry. We sleep in separate rooms thankfully and have done for a long time. I'm so angry with him that it has come to this and that I'm having to instigate this separation and break our children's hearts. They will be devastated. And he is pottering around making cups of tea and making idle chit chat and won't talk about anything remotely serious. But he's happy to have really pathetic arguments about minor things. I am starting to shout a lot and I don't want to be this person shouting infront of the children.

I feel trapped because I am waiting for him to leave to get on with my life but he's making no arrangements and I know it will just be dragged out after Christmas. I've sent him messages of custody templates on separation for his input and he doesn't respond. He thinks all will be ok if we just go out for a nice meal or to the theatre. He doesn't quite grasp that I can't bare his company and do not love him anymore and do not want to spend any time with him. I have declined the theatre tickets he has booked and said that I will not spend any time in his company on my own.

I'm So ready to move on with my life, but have nowhere to go and nobody to go and stay with. I could find somewhere to rent if I become desperate but I need this to be a last resort as I don't want lots of moves for the DCs. I want to sell the house eventually and buy something small for DCs and I. DP is stalling everything. We own the house 50/50.

I'm going out as much as I can to the gym, seeing friends sometimes too. But I can't keep on physically removing myself from my children all the time just to be away from him. I'm tired and want to relax in my own house on an evening but can't tolerate sitting next to him on the sofa watching Grand Designs as if nothing is happening. I don't like the person I'm becoming in this situation, although I know it's me fighting to change it, it's not good for the children to see me so ragey all the time. None of my anger is directed at them at all, just DP. I honestly feel like I hate him. I'm either angry or crying. The only times I'm ok is when I'm alone with my children, I'm out of the house without him or I'm at work. It's him. His presence. I'm so angry with him.

Oh wow @JadeGreen19. Why do they dig their heels in like this? Do all men seek to control women? I'm feeling utterly confused about the opposite sex right now to be honest.

Hugs to you 🫂

Thank-you. I think the air of 'respectability' and appearance of amicability has hidden the underlying control.
I remain hopeful. Not all men are like this.

I am hoping that the legal phase does not go on too long.

Living separated under the same roof is tiring.
Is anyone else having to do this? I'm on these forums to find others going through similar as feel quite isolated and could relate to the OP's situation.

@JadeGreen19 you sound very similar to me. Mine has "that air of respectability" and is also genial, charming and attractive.

I also had to live with him from split in August until end of December. It started as tiresome and then became terrifying. Really hard to navigate and I'm not sure I have all of the answers to that one.
Is there any chance that you or he might move out soon?

I had to live with mine for nearly 2 years. Controlling bastard. I will never forgive him for what he put us through.

Horrible. 2 years!

I did nearly move and rent. However, I decided to sray put so as not to move our young child twice, as aim to buy.

Day to day it is civil, and now mediation has started I hope this will contain the uncivilised discussions we had over the finances when he had tried to do the whole thing without legal input (as if I was going to put up with that absolute nonsense; but yea, he tried).

@Onmeway any news? How are you getting on?

@JadeGreen19 hand hold for you. I'm in exactly the same position, except H has completely 'forgotten' the separation bit & is carrying on as normal. Exhausting, tiring, draining, and more. H is head in the sand & I'm sure; 'she will come round'. My anxiety levels sky high. Please keep posting here to vent; it's is excruciating, I know. Am here anytime in solidarity with you. And I do know how frustrating it is. When you want them out & they just won't leave, at all. Sending big hugs to you xxxx

@JadeGreen19 I'm sorry to hear you're going through this 😞.

This week was supposed to be the week that H and I were telling our DD that we were separating. We were going to get estate agent valuations etc.

We sat down to talk about all of this yesterday and he has now changed his mind it seems.

This morning he told me he's told his mum that we're ok and both going to make changes!!!!!!! I never said that!!! I said we'll give it a few more weeks and will try to be nicer to each other to make living together easier. I am in disbelief tbh. All the heartache I've been through especially over Christmas and he thinks we can just try again.

What is the matter with them 🙄

@findthecourage big hugs 💐

[quote ToBeHappy]@JadeGreen19 I'm sorry to hear you're going through this 😞.

This week was supposed to be the week that H and I were telling our DD that we were separating. We were going to get estate agent valuations etc.

We sat down to talk about all of this yesterday and he has now changed his mind it seems.

This morning he told me he's told his mum that we're ok and both going to make changes!!!!!!! I never said that!!! I said we'll give it a few more weeks and will try to be nicer to each other to make living together easier. I am in disbelief tbh. All the heartache I've been through especially over Christmas and he thinks we can just try again.

What is the matter with them 🙄[/quote]
This is classic passive aggressive, emotional blackmail. He is trying to control the narrative. Do not let him. Maybe you should tell your daughter yourself alone?

Also - how is your relationship with MIL? Has he really told her that? Can you believe anything he says?

Sounds like younplan to get the house on the market? With him digging his heels in like this it could be a long time till you're shot of him so maybe it's worth renting for a year whilst the reality sinks in for him? You definitely need physical space from each other so that he can't mess with your head so much.

I nearly rented for a year. What you just described 'passive aggressive' is spot on with that behaviour.

It is a form of control not respecting your feelings about separating.

I ended up not going and renting, and kept on going with starting mediation. About to get a solicitor too. I know I will go and rent if it gets too bad emotionally though.

With going and renting theres a capital gains tax limit of 9 months; so it is worth looking into how it can be extended by claiming the family home is still your principal private residence.

Why they drag it out; control. Even if on the surface it appears amicable and civil.

I am glad to have found this thread and thank the OP for starting it. It seems we are not alone.
X

Dear friends, my heart is with you. Idk why men pretend all is well but they often do and when you tell them its over they pretend they have no idea where you are coming from. It could be that they are scared of what is coming, sure, but I agree with some of the posters, I think it is about control. They do not care that the marriage is over, they are upset because YOU decided it. Men (well, some men anyway), want everything to be their way, on their terms. I think that they cannot believe that us women will ever find courage to call it quits, that is why they never do anything to make things better, but once we do, they just pretend they did not hear, which is ridiculous. But what they do is, they want to take the control, the power away from you. DO NOT let them. Say it to them, say it with certainty and conviction, ”I WANT to separate”. Nothing else; no long explanations, no apologizing, no ifs or buts. Once you are certain this is what you want, do not be afraid to say it. This is your life. You have a right to decide what is going to happen and when. Postponing is not going to change a thing. It just makes things harder and gives them a chance to potentially hide some assets from you or otherwise work up a strategy to screw you over.

Good advice.
It is about control if they are trying to pretend you are still together and won't accept the separation.
Mine has done delay tactics but has accepted it.
Passolive aggressionnand even narcissicistic disorder can be at play with some men who control.

It is hard to stand up to. Better to get counselling if possible and get away asap if viable.

Are you sure he's accepted it? He's told MIL all is well. Tge longer you're there the more he thinks this won't really happen. Maybe he's kidding himself or you or maybe he's just trying to control?

Thanks for the sharing your amazing advice ❤️.

My best friend is concerned that he's stringing me along now as it suits him with work commitments coming up.

I'm not sure if it's about control or whether he has genuinely got cold feet about it all now the time has come. He kept saying how I'll mainly be with our DD and I've got amazing family and friends around me. He doesn't really have many friends and isn't as close to his family, I think he's now realised he could be living a very lonely life.

A couple of times today he has come over and hugged me which we haven't done in two months.
It's all left me feeling incredibly guilty for feeling so negative and defeatist.
Maybe I should give it a few weeks and see if things improve.

He did keep saying that it's irrelevant what he feels if I want us to be over, as he can't do anything about it then.
I just don't want it all to be on me when he mutually decided 😞 x

Hi everyone, how are you all doing? I'm so sorry I went AWOL for the last few weeks. Had an ill toddler before Christmas (he is ok again now) & then just trying to get through the last month!

Been catching up with your stories and my god these men are all cut from the same cloth!! Told my DH in Nov I still wanted to separate (for about the 5th time), he didn't want to discuss it, got angry, said I was being selfish - and since then has been pretending everything is totally fine again, wanted us to book a holiday together the other week and I had to play happy families over Christmas with his family as they know nothing!! Sounds very similar to some of your recent experiences too! I agree, I think it's part of the control thing, and probably even gaslighting, making you doubt your version of events & think things aren't that bad.

But today I have been offered tenancy on a flat I viewed last week! I was totally not expecting it as been knocked back for quite a few. DH will never move out so I started looking at the end of last year. I know it's the right thing to do and I cannot stay in this relationship but struggling to gain the strength/courage to actually go through with it. I don't want to to leave my home, & I know there will be fireworks, & I'm scared of the repercussions for my son (& myself). Will sleep on it and put my big girl pants on in the morning!

Advice, pep talk, hand hold all welcome, and I am sending my love & strength & courage to you all living through these difficult circumstances xxx

Go for it @Jellybeanqween so many chances I wish I'd taken with hindsight. You don't want to live with regret and this will be a great way to take back some power and control in your life 💐

Hi everyone, how are you all doing?

Thanks so much for the advice @Ithinkitstime

I am a nervous wreck! Have put a deposit down on a rental flat and planning to move out soon one day when he is at work. Have meeting with solicitor next week so she can write him a letter stating I consider the marriage over and need to start separation arrangements. I don't want to end things this way but he won't discuss it. Just need to keep my sh*t together until I leave! And worrying so much about our wee boy, figuring out how much time he spends where is so difficult. But I think he's picking up on the vibes at home already, despite trying to keep it away from him so it's definitely time to go. And also, DH has come into my bed twice in last few weeks despite me explicitly stating I did not want him in my bed at the time, he would not go. So I need to get away. He is still pretending all is fine.

@ToBeHappy, I totally have been there with DH making out to his family all is fine, but you need to think about you & your future happiness. I agree with @JadeGreen19 about getting some counselling for yourself. That is what has helped me realise how unhealthy my relationship is for me and for my son and why I am finally making this move, but I don't think I would have got to this point on my own. Thinking would still be trying to make it work when it is never gonna - he won't change.

Take care ladies, be gentle with yourselves. Sending strength ,courage, love & handholds xx

I found this article really helpful & thought I should share:

www.heysigmund.com/toxic-relationship-how-to-let-go/

Xx

And this... x

Nice to hear your update. Do keep posting and letting us know how you get on. Our children pick up on so much even when we think we have done everything we can to protect them. Terrible that he got into bed with you - suggests he still this you are "his" like some sort of possession. Why do these men push the boundaries so much?

The article you shared is great so thanks.

Wishing you all the luck in the world with your move. Hold your nerve! 💐

@Jellybeanqween thanks for sharing the helpful links below. I really hope your moving plans are coming along x

Just a quick update from me. DH is working away but back weekends for a month or so. I'm finding that myself and DD are doing great on our own. Yes it's really busy trying to juggle work, school etc but there is no bad atmosphere or stress. I get lots of help from my incredible family and am very lucky. So that's something positive to hold on to.

He has been trying really hard to suggest family time together and his moods have been good. So I planned to cook for us last weekend and see if we could relight the spark. We ended up arguing over something trivial.
Then I found out that his sister has been spouting her mouth off telling her friends about our separation!!!! It has got back to me via a friend of mine and I am beyond furious. Only close family and friends know about the situation as I want to protect our DD. What's worse is he actually defended her at first saying she wouldn't have done that!!!

So it's very much two steps forward, two steps back at the moment.