Intolerable living situation

[Onmeway]

DP is not going to change or follow through on any of the promises he made after our trial separation earlier this year.

Any discussion that I now try to have with him about it, he looks at me vacantly, eyes wide, rabbit in headlights and says nothing. He has however agreed to move in with his parents, but not until January as he apparently needs time to set up sleeping arrangements for our children during his time with them. No plans have actually been made though and no beds have been bought or set up for them. Infact, his parents don't even know that he plans on moving back home.

I am a bit ragey and I feel crappy about myself for it.

He keeps talking to me as if nothing is happening, making me cups of tea, has bought me flowers, because all of that is easier than following through on any promises. He has also been gas-lighting me, denying that I have asked him to do things that I have- I was able to prove him wrong last week and then he called me out for being petty. Then I'm upset and angry and he thinks a bunch of lillies will soften me. He's shouting at the children more because he's tired and stays up watching Netflix until the early hours. It is making me angry because he's masking the real, deep-seated problems. It has come to a point where his very presence makes me want to cry. We sleep in separate rooms thankfully and have done for a long time. I'm so angry with him that it has come to this and that I'm having to instigate this separation and break our children's hearts. They will be devastated. And he is pottering around making cups of tea and making idle chit chat and won't talk about anything remotely serious. But he's happy to have really pathetic arguments about minor things. I am starting to shout a lot and I don't want to be this person shouting infront of the children.

I feel trapped because I am waiting for him to leave to get on with my life but he's making no arrangements and I know it will just be dragged out after Christmas. I've sent him messages of custody templates on separation for his input and he doesn't respond. He thinks all will be ok if we just go out for a nice meal or to the theatre. He doesn't quite grasp that I can't bare his company and do not love him anymore and do not want to spend any time with him. I have declined the theatre tickets he has booked and said that I will not spend any time in his company on my own.

I'm So ready to move on with my life, but have nowhere to go and nobody to go and stay with. I could find somewhere to rent if I become desperate but I need this to be a last resort as I don't want lots of moves for the DCs. I want to sell the house eventually and buy something small for DCs and I. DP is stalling everything. We own the house 50/50.

I'm going out as much as I can to the gym, seeing friends sometimes too. But I can't keep on physically removing myself from my children all the time just to be away from him. I'm tired and want to relax in my own house on an evening but can't tolerate sitting next to him on the sofa watching Grand Designs as if nothing is happening. I don't like the person I'm becoming in this situation, although I know it's me fighting to change it, it's not good for the children to see me so ragey all the time. None of my anger is directed at them at all, just DP. I honestly feel like I hate him. I'm either angry or crying. The only times I'm ok is when I'm alone with my children, I'm out of the house without him or I'm at work. It's him. His presence. I'm so angry with him.

@19Bears Oh you poor poor thing. It does feel some days like the universe is against us. Am pleased you are being prescribed something for the palpitations, this may help balance things for you to enable you to take a moment and breathe. Isn't the interesting thing the fact we haven't told H what's happening with our physical health, let alone our emotional well being. I found a breast lump a few weeks ago and then had to have some biopsies as it looked sinister. Thankfully it's not cancer. I didn't even have the desire to let my H know. That kind of proved to me it is only a matter of time before I get out. Trust yourself, believe yourself and know that Your happiness is so so important. We will ebb & flow until we are just done. I can feel it for both of us. PM me anytime if you would like to. Take each day, only concentrate on getting through today. Let's deal with tomorrow, tomorrow

So glad I found this thread, hope you don't all mind if I join in as I'm on the same boat! Hope we can all support each other

I have told DH at least 4 times this year - the last 2 in explcit terms - that I want to separate and that the relationship is over for me (after years of EA). We went through couples counselling at beginning of year with little success. Each time I tell him he tends to get angry & upset, then appears to understand after discussion... then the next day it's like we never had the conversation and he turns into dad/husband of the year, flowers, tidy house, dinner and I'm thinking wtf?! It's like he thinks being good now will make me forget all the shitty things he has said and done to me over last few years. We are in separate beds and he tries to come into mine to hug, sometimes I say nothing as I am too tired to argue. Like most of you I can no longer stand being in his company but he keeps playing happy families. If I don't hug him back or I say anything remotely negative I am ruining everything and being selfish. I only feel relaxed when he is out of the house.

So, I have now spoken to a solicitor and as he will not move out of the marital home I have been looking at flats to rent. Solicitor says she will write him a letter once I have somewhere to go saying I consider the marriage over and he needs to negotiate/go to mediation with me. I know he will flip his lid when he gets it but I feel I have no other choice as he point blank refuses to discuss separating or the practicalities of it with me. Why do they always want us to be the baddies and sort everything out?!!

Standing in solidarity with you all and here for hand holds and support if you need it! (Although I am scared shitless of the next step too! )

How are you all doing/coping? @findthecourage I'm glad your gp has prescribed you something, and @19Bears I'm sorry you had to go through those biopsies alone. It is awful that our situations are actually making us physically ill as well as having a massive toll on our mental wellbeing! Be kind to yourselves, we will all get there! Hope you all have amended good support IRL too xx

@19Bears I also had heart palpitations as well as high blood pressure, insomnia and headaches before I talked to my ex about splitting up. When I told my doctor he told me that it is all stress related and suggested I talked to my husband asap and will soon after feel better. And I did. When I told him, finally, that I wanted to separate all my symptoms went away. To tell you the truth I did have anxiety and the guilt was killing me for months while he still lived in the house and a few weeks after he moved out. It has been four months since he left and now, I can honestly say I feel great. Sure, I still get waves of guilt, not so much for splitting up but he really went through hell this last year or so and I feel guilty for leaving him at this, probably hardest time of his life. But most of the time I sit with my self not believing how well I feel inside, calm and composed, relaxed and content. You will too. Please remember that it always gets worse before it gets better. But it WILL get better.

Thank you @freeatlast2021 I need to keep telling myself this, that it will be hard but temporary. I feel as if I'm waiting for the last straw to break the camel's back, but that sounds like a breakdown, and I don't want to reach that point. Especially for my kids. I'm really glad you feel better now. I know that I will too, just got to find the courage to do it somehow x

Oh can I join xxx I'm in the same situation separate bedrooms. it's complicated but hopefully I'll get information on finances ASAP to make the move.

I’ve been there, that’s all I’ll say.

In hindsight I wish I had told everyone around me what was going on, my family, his family, everyone. I would have called his parents and told them everything and that I couldn’t cope anymore and I needed him out today. It would have been embarrassing and humiliating, because I would have lost my composure big time. But those are better feelings than the ones I was having.

Tell the truth. Make everyone uncomfortable. Advocate for yourself and what you want “normal” to look like for your kids.

When it’s just you and him that know, it’s like you’re under a spell.

And yes, it will just keep dragging on and on if you don’t pull the rug out from under his feet.

@Jellybeanqween This seems to be very common among men, this inaction, ignorance, pretending that all is well. Before I finally worked up a courage to tell my husband I wanted to separate, our marriage was in shambles. We lately did not speak for weeks, months even, he would give me silent treatment. But when I told him his response was, “I did not realize it was THAT bad”. I was speechless.

Anyway, everything is better than status quo, so if he does not want to move you need to. It is great that you spoke with a lawyer. Start planning your life after this, dreaming about it. I found that that helped so much. The picture I painted in my mind of the life after the separation. How I will decorate my house, what I will do with my kids, the peace and quiet I would have without him criticizing everything I do, pestering kids, his grumpiness coloring my every day grey.

@FabriqueBelgique

I’ve been there, that’s all I’ll say.

In hindsight I wish I had told everyone around me what was going on, my family, his family, everyone. I would have called his parents and told them everything and that I couldn’t cope anymore and I needed him out today. It would have been embarrassing and humiliating, because I would have lost my composure big time. But those are better feelings than the ones I was having.

Tell the truth. Make everyone uncomfortable. Advocate for yourself and what you want “normal” to look like for your kids.

When it’s just you and him that know, it’s like you’re under a spell.

And yes, it will just keep dragging on and on if you don’t pull the rug out from under his feet.

@FabriqueBelgique It is interesting you saying that because, I was just thinking about that. I never said anything to anyone until I ended it. I think it is because I felt that would have been an ultimate betrayal, like I owed him to keep quiet until he find out first. But I too feel that I would have felt better had I shared this with at least closest people, my sister, my best friend. Unfortunately both my parent have passed away a few years ago, so I could not share with them either.

@FabriqueBelgique I have often wondered whether I should do this. All of my family and friends know how unhappy I am and they are all behind me. None of them have ever liked him. But his family all think everything is wonderful. They live hundreds of miles away and don't see the things my family see, and sometimes I want to scream and let them all know exactly how it is. I just couldn't do it though. I feel like I would be revealing to them what he's really like, and it just feels like the wrong thing to do. Would it really be a good idea to tell them?? I even had a dream the other night that I told his sister, she understood and agreed with me it would be better for us to separate, almost giving me her blessing. I think the whole way through I've been looking for 'permission' to end things, and this would be exactly that...

@freeatlast2021 Absolutely. I imagine because they’re not 100% “bad”, there’s usually good actions and good days amongst all the bad. Or you long for who he pretended to be at the beginning and believe he’s in there somewhere.

Or there’s a small part of you that wonders if you are “crazy” after all? If not that, then they’ve eroded your confidence to the point where you feel like you don’t deserve anything better.

There’s also your upbringing.. not knowing what a healthy relationship is until it’s too late.

So many things!

@19Bears One thing to bear in mind is that some families are VERY reluctant to acknowledge things like this are happening within their family or even get “involved”. I think your own family knowing is enough, if they’re actually helping you get out. Once you do, you can cut off that family and leave them to it, hopefully?

I’m a big advocate of telling the truth though. If I could go back, I would not be covering up for him when his parents asked if I’d been crying, as an example. But keep your safety in mind. You have to go home with him 💐

@FabriqueBelgique I would actually like to stay in contact with them and get rid of him. They might say that too, not even joking!!! They are all such lovely people. I dunno where the hell they got him from!

[quote 19Bears]@FabriqueBelgique I would actually like to stay in contact with them and get rid of him. They might say that too, not even joking!!! They are all such lovely people. I dunno where the hell they got him from! [/quote]
I’ve definitely come across this set-up before! It all depends on the type of people. There’s also the angle of all coming together to make him a better man, “intervention” style.

He's told me before that he's fallen out with every single member of his family at some point in the past. I think that tells you something. So I would like them to know they need to help him stop getting people's backs up for his own sake. I would love him to be a better man, but not for me.

@19Bears @freeatlast2021 @SlamLikeAGuitar how you all doing? Just looking for a hand hold. Struggling a lot past few days. I finally flipped and told him to tell his family we are separating. His response was so you are not prepared to talk things through then? He has subjected me to the silent treatment for 4 months, emotionally manipulated our DS and Now wants to talk. I don't want to have the talk anymore, just want him to go. Am so done with it. Atmosphere in the house is horrendous & now I'm just as guilty as I cannot bear to be anywhere near him nor speak with him. Nothing at all attracts me to him anymore, but I am flooded with anxiety & guilt for destroying H life & our DS. Do I sound like I'm losing the plot here ??

@findthecourage no, you’re not losing the plot.
I’d say that your H has reached the point that mine reached last week - where he’s realised that burying his head in the sand isn’t working, it isn’t going to blow over and you are serious about being done.
You’ve done amazingly this far. And you’ll continue to do that because same as me, you know it’s for the best even if it hurts right now.
We’ve got this.

[quote findthecourage]**@19Bears* @freeatlast2021* @SlamLikeAGuitar how you all doing? Just looking for a hand hold. Struggling a lot past few days. I finally flipped and told him to tell his family we are separating. His response was so you are not prepared to talk things through then? He has subjected me to the silent treatment for 4 months, emotionally manipulated our DS and Now wants to talk. I don't want to have the talk anymore, just want him to go. Am so done with it. Atmosphere in the house is horrendous & now I'm just as guilty as I cannot bear to be anywhere near him nor speak with him. Nothing at all attracts me to him anymore, but I am flooded with anxiety & guilt for destroying H life & our DS. Do I sound like I'm losing the plot here ??[/quote]
@findthecourage I know exactly how you are feeling. I do not know why these men pretend that all is well and do absolutely nothing to make things better, but once you tell them it is over, you had enough, they suddenly think now is the time to fix things. I was the same as you. Tried for years to talk to him, to get his attention and nothing happened. I finally had enough and although I did not think it would help at all, I offered him couple's counseling that he refused. From that point on I more or less knew that it was over, and continued with individual counseling to help my self get through it. I think that he thought I was crazy and was going to counseling to get better and after I will come back and all will be as it was before. When I told him it was over he was like, "What, what do you mean. I have no idea what you mean. And what did you do except offer me counseling"? was his response. I guess he did not realize that counseling (although I offered it a couple of times before which he also refused), was the last straw, his last chance to prove to me that he is willing to work on our marriage, and by saying he did not want to do it he basically made my decision for me. I am done having this relationship by myself, basically, solving things myself, with myself, taking all of the emotional burden on my shoulders. If I am to do all this alone then I might as well be alone.

Do not let him bully you into staying. You know the best how you feel and you know when you had enough. Next time he asks you if you wanted to talk or something say, "no, I do not". If he asks, "Don't you think we can work this out", say, "no, I do not". That is it.

You can do this. You are smart and strong and capable woman and you will survive this. And no, you are not destroying anything, in fact you are fixing something, your life, your kids life and although he may not see it now, your H's life too. Nobody is happy right now, but soon, you will have a new start, fresh start and you will feel fabulous.

@freeatlast2021 @SlamLikeAGuitar He had asked for the opportunity to say some things. I have agreed but have said it will not change how I feel & he needs to know that form the outset. I am scared I won't be able to assert myself in front of him or be completely bullied/ gaslighted. Tips please anyone ? I think I would have always felt guilty had I not given him the opportunity to say 'his piece'. Probably why I'm in such a mess for this long 🙈

@findthecourage I can’t help on the guilt front, because I’m still struggling with that, even though I know it’s the right decision.
What I’ve done when DH has felt like he needs to say his piece, is to just let him talk until he’s finished, and don’t interject with any emotion no matter how hard that has been sometimes when I’ve felt white hot rage at the fucking audacity of some things he’s said
I’ve almost conducted it like a business meeting

@findthecourage Atmosphere in the house is horrendous & now I'm just as guilty as I cannot bear to be anywhere near him nor speak with him. Nothing at all attracts me to him anymore, but I am flooded with anxiety & guilt for destroying H life & our DS. Do I sound like I'm losing the plot here ??

This is just how I feel. I'm the one dealing out the silent treatment now, not completely ignoring the man, just not engaging with anything he says to me. I just don't like talking to him. Also, he continues to infuriate me with his political views, especially the past couple of days, and I can't look at him, sniggering away at Jacob Rees-Mogg But like you, anxiety and guilt are overwhelming me. How can I do this to him? How will he recover from it? But in the meantime I'm starting on propanolol to slow down these bloody palpitations and he has no idea.

@freeatlast2021 I am done having this relationship by myself, basically, solving things myself, with myself, taking all of the emotional burden on my shoulders. If I am to do all this alone then I might as well be alone.

Precisely this. I feel like I'm married to myself, I'm both husband and wife, mam and dad. I do the whole bloody lot anyway, it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to my workload if he wasn't here. And at least I'd have the freedom to feel relaxed in my own house, to sleep comfortably in my bed, and to possibly find someone I could love and be loved by. Christ. It all sounds so positive, why are we all frozen with guilt and stopping ourselves from having a future???!

@SlamLikeAGuitar I am slowly learning to let things go over my head. I spend so much time feeling absolutely furious at him, but I keep it to myself, so ultimately I am harming my health and he is totally oblivious. I wish sometimes I could just let rip. What a shock he would get.

We'll get there in the end, ladies

[quote SlamLikeAGuitar]@findthecourage I can’t help on the guilt front, because I’m still struggling with that, even though I know it’s the right decision.
What I’ve done when DH has felt like he needs to say his piece, is to just let him talk until he’s finished, and don’t interject with any emotion no matter how hard that has been sometimes when I’ve felt white hot rage at the fucking audacity of some things he’s said
I’ve almost conducted it like a business meeting [/quote]
Yes, this!!!!! That is the only way. Do not let yourself be sucked into any kind of explaining. Say as little as possible, stay cool and collected.

I know that this is hard. I remember when I had "the talk" I just felt so bad, I felt this need to talk, to say something to explain, but at the same time, it felt so liberating to just sit there and say nothing. I cannot explain that but, for years, I was trying, mostly unsuccessfully to "work things out with my husband", but he would twist things to the point that I did not know what my point was. I would not know what I was trying to say or what point I was trying to make. Also, it would give no results. He would not listen, really listen, because he never thought he may be wrong. Things would always go back to being as they were. So right there that day, I gave myself permission to not say anything, to not explain myself. I literally told myself, "no, you do not owe him anything, you do not have to say anything, you can just do what you want, yes you can, how about that, this is what I want, I do not care that you do not understand, that you do not get it, that you did not think the things were that bad, it is not my fault that you were not listening to me over the years, that you did not care how I felt or what I wanted, so here, I want to separate, deal with it"!!!!

I am sorry, this may sound harsh but this is how I got through it. Did I feel guilty afterwards? Hell YES! It was eating me alive for months. He stayed in our house for three months and I literally thought I was going to die. Him moving out was the worst and a few weeks after he moved were still very, very hard.

But please listen to me, four months after he moved out, I feel so much better. Sure, every now and then I still feel anxiety creeping in, guilt and all kinds of painful emotions. But do I regret leaving him? No, not once. Just like @19Bears said, yes, I do feel relaxed in my own house, I sleep comfortably in my own bed. I personally am not thinking about new relationship, I am a bit older then you guys, I think, and all I want at this point is some peace and quiet. And I did get it, I do have it and it is delicious, yes, no other way to explain it. And my dear friends, you will have it too. Sooner or later this will all be a distant past and you will be enjoying your life, your money, your bed, and perhaps a new, better man, in peace and have an amazing life. Like I keep saying, it will get worse before it gets better, but get better it will.

Keep posting and hang on. You can do it!!!

I love you @freeatlast2021

I love you too @freeatlast2021 The talk it appears will be happening tonight or the coming couple of days so may be posting constantly. To help me get through it, deal with it properly and hopefully to ensure I do not buckle. That is my fear, I know I want out, but am so conditioned to rolling over to rebalance the energy in the house. I feel this time that I will know I am betraying myself if I do it. Not saying that will make this any easier

@19Bears I love you too. I just wish we can all meet in real life to share our life stories and give each other real life hugs. I know I really need that.

In the meantime, this is definitely second best thing, having this network of amazing, strong, loving and kind women, to share our deepest thoughts with. Stay strong!

@19Bears, @findthecourage you made me cry.