Intolerable living situation

[Onmeway]

DP is not going to change or follow through on any of the promises he made after our trial separation earlier this year.

Any discussion that I now try to have with him about it, he looks at me vacantly, eyes wide, rabbit in headlights and says nothing. He has however agreed to move in with his parents, but not until January as he apparently needs time to set up sleeping arrangements for our children during his time with them. No plans have actually been made though and no beds have been bought or set up for them. Infact, his parents don't even know that he plans on moving back home.

I am a bit ragey and I feel crappy about myself for it.

He keeps talking to me as if nothing is happening, making me cups of tea, has bought me flowers, because all of that is easier than following through on any promises. He has also been gas-lighting me, denying that I have asked him to do things that I have- I was able to prove him wrong last week and then he called me out for being petty. Then I'm upset and angry and he thinks a bunch of lillies will soften me. He's shouting at the children more because he's tired and stays up watching Netflix until the early hours. It is making me angry because he's masking the real, deep-seated problems. It has come to a point where his very presence makes me want to cry. We sleep in separate rooms thankfully and have done for a long time. I'm so angry with him that it has come to this and that I'm having to instigate this separation and break our children's hearts. They will be devastated. And he is pottering around making cups of tea and making idle chit chat and won't talk about anything remotely serious. But he's happy to have really pathetic arguments about minor things. I am starting to shout a lot and I don't want to be this person shouting infront of the children.

I feel trapped because I am waiting for him to leave to get on with my life but he's making no arrangements and I know it will just be dragged out after Christmas. I've sent him messages of custody templates on separation for his input and he doesn't respond. He thinks all will be ok if we just go out for a nice meal or to the theatre. He doesn't quite grasp that I can't bare his company and do not love him anymore and do not want to spend any time with him. I have declined the theatre tickets he has booked and said that I will not spend any time in his company on my own.

I'm So ready to move on with my life, but have nowhere to go and nobody to go and stay with. I could find somewhere to rent if I become desperate but I need this to be a last resort as I don't want lots of moves for the DCs. I want to sell the house eventually and buy something small for DCs and I. DP is stalling everything. We own the house 50/50.

I'm going out as much as I can to the gym, seeing friends sometimes too. But I can't keep on physically removing myself from my children all the time just to be away from him. I'm tired and want to relax in my own house on an evening but can't tolerate sitting next to him on the sofa watching Grand Designs as if nothing is happening. I don't like the person I'm becoming in this situation, although I know it's me fighting to change it, it's not good for the children to see me so ragey all the time. None of my anger is directed at them at all, just DP. I honestly feel like I hate him. I'm either angry or crying. The only times I'm ok is when I'm alone with my children, I'm out of the house without him or I'm at work. It's him. His presence. I'm so angry with him.

@Onmeway how are you doing? You have not posted for a while.

Feeling trapped, just redid my finances and I forgot to factor in childcare costs for my DS. To make it worse, H is being overly nice, even though I Keep telling him I want to separate. So worn down

@freeatlast2021 I need your words of wisdom & calm please! So H has decided to forget everything I have said and the past 4 months of hell. He wants us all to go to the cinema next weekend as a family. He said this in front of DS. I had to walk out of the house as I was going to explode. How dare he demean me like this, again. The 'chat' he wanted never happened. And now he's decided all is well. I want to cry. I realise I am in a financial mess now as I didn't factor in all the outgoings needed for DS on 1 wage. My sister is pushing me so hard to get out, I feel so despondent. Wondering should I text him as no way there is space to 'talk' with DS around. But what to text, so near to Christmas, I really do feel I am drowning here 😢

Oh bloody hell @findthecourage I'm sorry he's flipping things round again. I bet he emphasised the phrase 'as a family' to get a dig in. Mine does this. No effort to join in with anything, and then suddenly wanting to do things 'as a family' as if to say he's the good guy and I'm the miserable one. He especially does this when other people are around, blatantly putting on a show. I remember more than two years ago going to visit his family, having gone through counselling and me telling him how desperately unhappy I was, and we sat there in a small cinema in Devon watching the Lion King and I cried the whole way through. You know the feeling, you feel trapped into having these 'nice' times so as not to upset anyone, and you're dying inside.
I just don't know what to tell you. Yes I think it's hard to talk when the kids are always around and that a text would be the best way, but I've no idea what you can say or what I would say. Maybe just best at this stage to grin and bear it, and be more forceful once Xmas is gone. This is my plan. Too close now to rock the boat,even though really it's just a day and shouldn't hold you back, I get it that it does. I'm getting more anxious as Xmas approaches in that I don't intend to get DH a present, and I don't want one from him. But, I know he went out yesterday and maybe he's got me something. So, lo and behold, Xmas day comes and I'm the bad guy for not getting him anything...... I don't want that to be the day things come to a head. Anyway, sorry I'm going off on a tangent. Can you just go and keep in your mind there's no rush, and hang on til January? X

@19Bears I flipped, said I've had enough of this & why didn't he sort something for DS for this talk. He responded he has told his parents things aren't good and they will have DS next weekend for us to 'talk' Am beyond disgusted & heartbroken at the lack of effort in his part. The bloody week before Christmas. I haven't even finished sorting Santa gifts & not 2 other present bought for anyone. As you say, I know it's only 1 day but I'm so angry H has left it so bloody late to say his piece. It has to be manipulation ?? I am so close to tears today, I've literally had to hide away in the bedroom and my H gets the benefit of being with our DS

This is unbelievable. I just wonder what do they think, these men? If they pretend that all is well it will be?!?! Dear God!!!! @findthecourage I am so sorry that he is doing this to you and so close to Christmas. I think that he is simply prolonging the conversation hoping you will “forget about it” so he can too. I commend you for not keeping quiet and saying something. I know it is hard, especially if you must do it over and over, but it is necessary. I am not sure what you expect from that conversation, but I need to warn you that it may be similar to want you are getting from him now. It may not give you any kind of closure. He may just try to persuade you not to do it most likely by bringing up things to make you feel bad like, “breaking a family”, “hurting your children”, “what will everybody else say”, “how will you survive financially”. Strangely enough, they often seem to forget the most important thing to mention, in these conversations: the two of you, the love and care you had for one another. Isn’t that why you got married in the first place? Should not that be the most important thing to mention? I guess that tells you that they know it is over, but they do not want to accept it. But I wish my ex has said at least once, “I love you and will miss you”, or something like that, not that it would change anything but still. His response was, “good luck explaining this to the kids”, “what will you tell the people”, “how will you survive financially”, and such garbage.

@findthecourage stay strong!!. This means, try not to think too much about this, do everything you can to keep yourself relaxed and healthy, spend as much time as you can with your kids. Minimize the contact with your H to bare minimum, be nice and courteous especially in front of the kids, but that is it. Do not do anything with or for him that is not necessary. I know that you would have wanted to spend the Christmas alone with your kids and that the idea of spending it together, pretending all is well, scares you, but you can do it. Imagine that he is a guest in your house, an uninvited and unwanted, but as a well-mannered woman you will do everything in your power to make it through the holidays with good spirit and dignity. As soon as Christmas is over sit him down and talk to him. In the meantime, you can, if you have not, start planning and organizing things.

@19Bears I'm getting more anxious as Xmas approaches in that I don't intend to get DH a present, and I don't want one from him. But, I know he went out yesterday and maybe he's got me something. So, lo and behold, Xmas day comes and I'm the bad guy for not getting him anything......

I am sure he will get you a present and probably something amazing. My ex got me this necklace for my birthday this year (one month before I told him I wanted a divorce). When I saw it I wanted to barf. We literally did not speak for most of the previous year. We were constantly arguing and as a result not speaking to each other (his way of “training me” was giving me a silent treatment) and then he gets me this necklace. First of all, it was one of the most expensive gifts he has ever given me (it was not that expensive, but he is really cheep so it was expensive for him) and the charm on the necklace is a hart connected to the infinity sign, so “love forever”. Like I said, I wanted to barf and also to throw the bloody thing into the garbage. I mean, he does not even know what love is, he does not even know how to love someone, properly, and he gives me this cheese, bloody necklace as a present?!?! Not to “rock the boat” as I was not ready to have a talk just yet, I had to wear the thing for the next month or so. I thought, quite honestly, it would choke me in my sleep. I could not wait to take the thing off. Even now, I wonder if I should chuck it or give it to charity or something. I do not even want my girls to wear it. I hate the bloody thing.

As for the present, I know you would rather not give him anything, but if you have to, get him a bottle of wine, if he drinks wine, or something like that. So it is a present, but not a meaningful one. Something you would give to a stranger as a secret Santa present.

Good luck to you both, @findthecourage @19Bears I am sending some positive vibes to you both across the ocean. You can do this, you will do this, you will be free soon and then…you will soar!!!!

I hear you all. OP's original post really resonates.

I'm going through hell at the moment. Trying to divorce and living in constant fear of his reaction each time he receives any correspondence from solicitor or court. He is also digging his heels in massively about leaving.

I would suggest at this stage of the month, that you get through Christmas for the sake of your DCs and make January the month you start forging ahead with your new life.

I wish I could just leave with the children, but I pay all bills and mortgage and I know he won't pick that up.

Just waiting and watching and thinking to myself, ignore his threats and unkindness you are nearly there now...

Nothing helpful to add except my idiot ex has now met someone else so I'm having to share the house with him while he's all loved up and keeps dissappearing overnight to hers but then coming back here and pretending that everything is fine, do I want a cup of tea and shall we watch taskmaster?... Unfortunately she lives too far away for him to just move in with her.

It's intolerable, but financially I can't move yet.

I'm totally stuck and have no idea what to do next.

@freeatlast2021 thank you my lovely. I am beyond flat now. Mood exceptionally low. Family members now aware so all delicately reminding me how many times H has done this to me over the years. You can almost hear the relief in their voices that I am trying to make the break. It's amazing what you block out really isn't it. The sad part of it all is that H is not a horrible man, just has this horrible character trait that pushed me over the edge this time. I am very sad about it all. I can't even think of the impact on DS life, his home etc as that makes me think have I just gone off on a mad tangent & it's not That bad staying. Such circular feelings with astonishing anxiety with it. I think I have now to admit I still love H but no longer in love with him. 22 years is a long time to walk away from. Emotionally I'm an absolute mess. He has some strange power or something over me as I am so so drained. Am thankful I have a job to go to every day ! Am a nurse so the distraction is welcome ! Love to you all. Please keep posting, keeps me going ! 😘

@freeatlast2021 He will definitely not get me something amazing!!!! In 16 years together he has never bought me jewellery, underwear, perfume that I actually like, nothing like that. Last years debacle was the George Forman grill, which I went into on another thread! And he'll pick up cheap rubbish that he thinks might be suitable - like a plastic wall clock he bought me a few years ago from a band I liked a bit in the 90s. I saw it myself in the bargain bin in HMV! Anyway, I will have to get him something just in case, to keep the peace. But then I'm just pretending. Again.

@findthecourage I can't even think of the impact on DS life, his home etc as that makes me think have I just gone off on a mad tangent & it's not That bad staying. Such circular feelings with astonishing anxiety with it.

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I think to myself "what the hell am I thinking?! Pull yourself together!" As if I have this unrealistic romantic fantasy of how my life should be, that I'll escape the endless monotony of my current home life and be swept away by a knight in shining armour who will finally bring me the sex life and the love I've been craving. When really I should just get on with it and count my blessings. It is the ultimate anxious circle, you're so right to describe it that way. I feel that power he has over me too. It's like a force field!! A very draining force field. And same here, I'm so glad to be at work every day. I'm dreading the christmas holidays. I used to look forward to it as he would be out at work while I was off with the kids, but now with the wfh back again, he'll be in the house. I've got two days annual leave left to take, and I can't even peacefully have those to myself.

to all of you xx

@19Bears @freeatlast2021 @SlamLikeAGuitar and all my lovely support ladies. How are you all ? Just wanted to check in and let you all know I am definitely losing all fight & spirit for this. So worn down and cannot even get excited for DS for Christmas. All weighing heavily on me now, anyone feeling the same or is it just me being a bit woke ? H playing with DS as if not a care in the world. I feel I'm going to either implode or explode. Haven't worked out which yet. My family despairing as they know I am wa seeing and feel so broken. Any words of encouragement would be so very much appreciated xxxxxx

Oh @findthecourage I don't know what to say to make it any better. I'm feeling like you, totally flat, trying to avoid Christmas, and also my family are desperate for me to start again and just be happy. I know it's great to have them on side, but it kind of adds to the pressure too. Do you feel that? I wish I wasn't so soft, and patient. I don't think there's anything he could do that would make me snap and go mad, I just breeze through it all. And so it goes on and on.
I booked a day off work tomorrow just to have some time to myself, wander round a lovely town near to me, have lunch and do a little bit of shopping, nobody knowing about it......and then today the school ring me to say my youngest has been sick and to come and pick him up!!! Argh!!!! Of course my first thought was "oh no, my baby" but quickly followed by "bang goes my day off!" Argh! It would have been my only day this year just for me. Anyway, he seems fine, touch wood.
So, lots of love to you, keep talking, and we'll help each other through these next few weeks xxxx

@19Bears just you responding has lifted me & Yes, the family whilst only out for our interests does add huge pressure. This is probably the first time I have been so open with them about how my life actually is. They are all aghast & are so desperate for me to throw him out yesterday ! I would have loved to have met up with you for a coffee; maybe one day ! Glad your little one is ok & sorry you didn't get those few precious moments. We Will keep each other going xxxxx

@findthecourage as always I wish we are RL friends and can actually meet, talk in person and give each other hugs, but I always found my MN friend’s support extremely valuable especially since I was not, at that time, sharing my problems with anyone in my RL.

Let’s start by saying, I know how you feel exactly. I really wanted to separate last year, before Covid, but due to Covid and other stuff that was happening at the time, I decided to wait and so I was were you are last Christmas. It was a nightmare for me especially because I promised myself I would not spend another New Years Eve with my husband and I had to.

There is no easy way of surviving this except not thinking about it too much and pretending all is well. The only thing I would underline is, do not do anything that would set you back again. With your kids be your usual self, happy and cheerful, but with your husband be courteous as you would be with a guest. Do not give him extra attention or be intimate with him (sorry ).

Most importantly, be kind to yourself and try to do anything that makes you feel good. Go for walks, eat something that makes you feel good, meet with friends if possible, take your DC for a treat. This will soon be over. Hugs.

@Onmeway How are you doing? You have not posted in a while.

Onmeway- do you get on with his parents? What about a family WhstsApp group, with his parents, him and you? You can write thanking parents for agreeing to have him at this tough time, and ask how sleeping arrangements got him and kids are coming along? Then it’s all out there, and he has to deal with it. Good luck

Well, we had that 'chat' this morning. Lots of going and ground to begin with and then H asked; will you not try again. I replied 'try what' there's nothing to try. I told you the silent treatment would destroy us and it has. He has started counselling & I am genuinely pleased for him. I told him as much, but said it doesn't change anything with us. Not sure if this was the right thing to do but I did agree to us remaining in the same house while he attends counselling sessions initially (mutually financially beneficial). I start my driving lessons in Jan so am trying to get my ducks in order before we sell up. He said he'd stay in a hotel but we simply cannot afford that & I told him as much. Have said will do Christmas Day in the house but taking DS to friends Boxing Day for a break away from H. Thoughts anyone ? Am I being too kind because he has been a complete pr**k

Hello ladies,

I really hope you don't mind me joining in here. This is my first time posting on a forum and is all completely new to me.
I found this site whilst googling "support when separating" in sheer desperation .

I am in a very similar situation to a lot of you in that my husband and I decided in November that we would separate after Christmas. We've been together 21 years (married for 12) and I am going through every single emotion possible.

We decided to wait as didn't want to wreck our little girls birthday and Christmas in December. But now I just constantly feel sick with the worry of telling her after Christmas. I am crying writing this because it is destroying me.

His mood is absolutely terrible most days and he has been very cold about the situation. I said I find it very sad and he just looked at me and said "really? Why?" It's things like that which make me realise I cannot live my life with him any longer.

The reason I was looking for some kind of support is that I honestly don't know how to get through the next week . I am exhausted with trying to pretend to be happy for our DD and things such as writing Christmas cards seem impossible. I just keep thinking "this is the last time I'll write both of our names".

I have told my family and some friends who have all been amazing and supportive but nobody can truly understand how this feels, which is why I'm posting on here.

Thank you for reading and wishing you all strength xxxx

@freeatlast2021 @19Bears @SlamLikeAGuitar and all of my lovely lifesavers; how are you all? Just wanted to send love and solidarity to everyone. Trying desperately to get into Christmas spirit for DS. All I really want to do is punch my H into the face we know I have so much time I have to be around him over the next couple of weeks. I have zero interest in even spending any time around him but know it has to be done. Any tips on how to get through this ?? A huge thank you for all the love and support, I would have drowned without you guys

Hey lovely friends, hope you're all ok too. I think I'm in a way glad of the distraction of being so busy with Christmas stuff, I don't have to think about anything else. But I am determined to sort out my life as soon as I can in the new year. Sending massive hugs to all of you. Thanks for just being here xxx

@ToBeHappy, @findthecourage
I know how you feel as this is how I felt last year at this same time. I find holidays the best or the worst time of the year depending on what is happening in your life, so this year, they will be hard for you.

I wrote an essay, I am affraid, in response to you @findthecourage on another thread AIBU to ask your separation stories? so I will not say much on this one except, hang in there, you are almost at the finish line. Next year at this time, you will be free and content. My thoughts are with you. Be strong and remember... you CAN do it.

@freeatlast2021 I thought of you on Xmas day when I opened my present from DH. He got me a Queen t shirt (ok), a few stained glass window stickers (?) and the book of Normal People. Ha. A story about an intense relationship involving a lot of love and sex...hmm.... And then I opened the one from his mum. I know that she sends him some money and he buys something from her that he thinks I might like. It was a chunky Ralph Lauren jumper that I wouldn't have chosen in a million years, clearly from a charity shop, and a couple of sizes too small......with stains all over it!!!!! A blue stain across the back, and what looks like gravy on the end of the sleeves. Thanks very much ha ha!!

Photo posted twice and upside down! Sorry!

I am almost 6 months into being 'separated' but living in our marital home with our young child. Husband has delayed everything. Dropped out of mediation. It has started up again now. He has controlled by delay and inaction. I am so tired.