Scared to walk after 30 years

[MidnightStorm]

So I’m gonna hit 48 next month, been wed 30 years or as I now refer to it as, my 30 year war.
No mortgage one older child, moved 20+ times due to his work, marriage been in trouble last 4 years, he convinced me to sell up in Kent to be mortgage free in his home town in Yorkshire, promised me our time, fresh start and to re-connect, been living here 8 months and I hate it, I lived here 18 years ago and hated it then, stupid me!
Now instead of him getting a part time job for a better life, he works 50 hours a week, and I’m dumped and alone, with no family or friends, I’ve tried to talk to him and even went to relate twice, didn’t work, he’s controlling, manipulative and says “he knows what’s best for me”: I’ve no support, and this is my first time reaching out, I feel if I don’t do something now I’ll be dead before I’m 50, I’ve got no idea where to start, been researching online for what I can do, it’s a nightmare as when I told him a few weeks ago I can’t do this he told me to F.Off and go… I can’t as I have no money, I want to sell the house or he buy me out and just walk away, the mental damage that man has done to me is more than any women can bear, I’ve lost my identity and don’t know myself, but I know I’m in here somewhere and I need to find her, god the tears hurt, the pain hurts.. where did those 30 years of my life go I’m so broken 😞

First up - you're not alone. We're here for you.

I'd suggest getting some legal advice on where you stand. Get an appointment with a solicitor.

After 30 years, everything will be in the "pot" to be split and if no dependent children, it's likely to be 50/50 house/savings/pensions.

You're young (yes you are). The world's your oyster, you can be anything you want to be.

Good luck x

Thank youcomfortable, a solicitor costs money, and trying to do anything without him knowing is tricky, but I will see what there is online. X

You can do this. You deserve happiness and there is a whole happy world out there for you. From my experience, if you can't have an amicable split (and you will probably know the answer to that), it is expensive and takes a huge emotional toll and I'm not sure you can do much about it. But don't look too far ahead, take it stage by stage. It's an unpredictable ride, but the end goal stays the same, freedom, happiness and peace. You just need to have the courage x

Thank you stronger, it’s the feeling sick that’s getting to me, I know I can do it, but being so isolated and 200 miles away from family and friends, it’s tough… baby steps, I wish I could just fast forward ahead, it’s the dream I aim for, not the cruel prison I feel stuck in. Tomorrow is another day. X

Look for solicitors who specialize in divorce proceedings. They will often have an initial free consultation and take fees from the final settlement.

Once you have had legal advice you will be able to work out the next step.

You have another 30 years left.... and you can make them the best years of your life!!
Take all you courage in both hands and do this for you... YOU... no-one else.
Its the MN ducks in a row story... paperwork.. solicitor..bank account..
Do you have anyone you can go and stay with after you have legal advice... as it doesnt sound like this will be an easy ride.. and you will need peace to sort out your head.
You are stronger than you ever dreamt... and you dont have to walk this path alone... loads of advice on here and womens aid etc....

Thank you both Very & Bonbon, I didn’t expect any response, I feel ashamed and a bit worthless, you’re both right as are all the other helpful messages, it’s so much more complicated, too much to explain, especially when he’s floating about, I know this sounds really childish, but I’ve been lacing his food with a huge amount of Garlic, don’t ask why I cook, he pays me £10 per day for keeping house, it’s my little bit of satisfaction, though he does stink! It also means I’m clawing some cash.
As to being able to stay somewhere else, no sadly, when I say he’s isolated me, I mean it.
Best go quick now. X

I'm in a similar position. I had a free hour from a solicitor plus counselling. I recommend getting both. I feel so much stronger

Hi Bigyellow, can you share who your solicitor was? I see so many online, but a recommendation would be great. Thank you

Vardags. i haven't gone beyond the free hour yet but i will absolutely use them when the right moment comes. The hour of advice has given me lots of confidence and assurance.

Hi Vardags, it’s so scary, I had a mental flip out tonight, currently I’m in bed with Netflix, he just pushed my buttons tonight, i proper went nutz! Regretted it as I thought I would prepare a speech, it’s just fell out of my mouth, he still thinks we can sort it but then said ok, it’s like a weight has been lifted Tbh, why do I feel bad 🤷‍♀️ his last words stung a bit, well that’s 30 years down the drain.. why do men still think it’s all about them… he said I should leave sooner rather than later.. as if, one thing I have read is, don’t leave till the ink is dry on a financial arrangement, he could drag his heels selling the house, I’d be stuck in limbo, no savings, he thinks it’s funny, any ideas on what I will expect next? I hope I have the mental strength…

Well done for saying what had to be said. Sometimes a spill out of words works best rather than a prepared speech. I was going to wait a few more months but in the end was triggered by my stbx and away I went! It does feel like such a relief after you've finally said it. Your husband may seem 'ok' with it now but he probably thinks he's just called your bluff and doesn't think you'll go through with it and, also, as it goes on, he will probably get very angry - it seems to be a pattern and it's usually about money and how they don't want you to have your entitled share. Please, please keep on going - it's a struggle but you will get there. It's been 2 and a half years (so far) for me and I finally feel there's light at the end of the tunnel but I'm not quite there yet - fingers crossed though! I usually just read posts on here but there is such an amazing wealth of information and also situations to relate to. Keep on going, see it through, know your worth, and stay focused on how you want the rest of your life to be. Hoping for the best for you.

Dear Hulachick, I’m such a private person and was so reluctant to share my very personal situation, just reading yours and other comments is such a comfort, it’s so surreal right now, I am expecting anger, but I do have time, I wasn’t planning on telling him before Xmas, but it’s hit the fan tonight, our biggest asset is the mortgage free home, and he does have a good pension, I’ve read somewhere about spousal maintenance, I’m not sure if anyone has had this? I read 25-40% up to 14 years? Any advice on that would be welcome. It’s a big life lesson, and I think most ladies have had that from what I’ve read,
I wish I could re-engage on social media, but due to my situation, it’s very difficult due to mutual friends, this fiercely private female needs to think about that, and what happens to our linked iCloud account? Am I over thinking??? There’s so many things intertwined..
Hmmmm
Thank you again for sharing, it’s lifted me so so much. X

Disentangling 30 years will be hard work - I’m doing the same thing, although I’m financially independent so not in the same situation. For what it’s worth, I too instigated the separation and am absolutely clear it’s the right thing, I still cried when he said he would move out. It was a combination of sadness and relief. Ending a marriage is sad, so many hopes and dreams, and a long life lived together - you’ll need to mourn what’s gone, it doesn’t mean your decision is wrong.

I’d focus on sorting yourself out first, do you work? Can you increase hours, or look for a job just to give you some income and a focus outside of your marriage ending? Also look at what you’d be entitled to in benefits, put a claim in dinner rather than later because it takes a while to process.

I’m also a fairly private person, but I have a small cluster of very good friends that I can talk very openly to, which is a life saver. Is there someone in real life you can share with? Also it’s worth thinking about why you’re so fiercely private, could it be embarrassment or shame about his behaviour towards you? If so, the shame belongs to him, not you, don’t stop yourself seeking support to get through this time.

Good luck, it may not have happened the way you planned, but it has happened and you can start planning whatever comes next - which can be so much happier than what’s gone before.

I moved out after 25 years and have no regrets…and I’m a bit older than you. I reckoned it would send me to an early grave. Like you, I took my time.

It’s perfectly possible to do this… but don’t twist yourself up on spousal maintenance etc etc. Just get yourself to a lawyer with as much financial info you can gather, including marriage certificate and passport if possible, and they’ll tell you what you’ll be entitled to.

I found it such a relief to know that there was a legal way forward and I wasn’t going to be destitute.

I’m 😱 at him paying you £10 a day, but if you need more money then you can get cash back every time you shop… apparently it doesn’t show up separately on your shopping bill/ receipt.

There’s a wealth of advice on here, so tap into it.

Please get a free hour of soliciting advice. it probably won't matter which one. i know it seems scary actually doing something concrete but all these questions like spousal maintenance will get answered.

i'm 2 years older than you btw. i've woken up this morning a bit less strong, which is annoying but my feelings change through the day. if you want to PM me please feel free. i could do with a buddy in the same situation and with similar feelings!

i'm
wondering what a solicitor would say about the £10 per day. It sounds like you are experiencing coercive control.

I don't have much to add that others haven't already said, but just wanted to say that cash back at the supermarket shows up on the receipt as a clear cash back of £XXX, but it doesn't show up on the statement separately; it would just say "Sainsbury's and total amount".

A really useful way of stashing cash as long as he only reads statements and so you can bin the receipt on the way out of the shop.

Thanks Iknow and Byebye, I don’t work, and haven’t worked for 8 years his job put a stop to that due to living overseas, I’ve only lived in this new area 8 months and I don’t go out, I go out when “ we go out”ie to the supermarket, I haven’t driven for 5 years, again due to his choice of car and losing my confidence, I’m semi rural and have no friends or family, they are all 200 miles away, I have only a couple of real girlfriends which due to circumstances have become more distant, I feel, like I’ve lost my identity and confidence, I’ve lived in my bubble/safe haven since the move as I just can’t connect, im so down I feel anxious.
I’ve woken to his wedding ring being left on the side, I’m ok with that, and yes I’m sure he will be going through the motions, though he has a strong mental mind, my first priority in my head is to get financially secure, until then I’m stuck, he’s only been in his new job a month, so buying me out will have to wait until the bank will be satisfied he can buy me out, or we sell, I want to ask him all those questions but now feel fearful, I know from now it’s going to be very hard living under the same roof, how do you cohabitate? Are there rules? Do I leave the bath water in? I could make all this pain go away and submit and it might be ok for a few weeks or months and then I’ll be back to square one, I just need to stay strong, thank god for the ladies on here, I feel safe knowing people care and have wonderful advice.

Bigyellow I’ve no idea how to PM 😞 as to getting cash back, he does the shopping or we go together, bit difficult to ask for cash back when he’s stood next to me, our phones and tablets are linked, I’ve put privacy on my gadgets, I’ll look into getting some free advice, I can only do it online, can’t say he’d be happy to take me to a solicitor

Bigyellow I’ve sent a testing message, let me know if I finally did something correct 😂

How controlling is he -is has isolated you completely. No privacy no finances nothing.

Does he monitor emails? do you have online banking? If you do set up your own account without him and transfer 50% of any joint account.
Email friends and family and explain the above. Get family and friends to hire a van and come and get all your personal stuff without him knowing.

Hi OP

This is financial abuse and coercive control.

Have you no family or friends you could escape to? It sounds to me that you need to get out before you can start to rebuild yourself.

It’s easy to set up a new email address for the purposes of separation/divorce stuff - a gmail or Hotmail type account that he doesn’t know about with a non-identifying name and password.

In terms of cohabiting, it’s hard but I’ve started sleeping separately, do my and the kids laundry, I’m starting to separate finances starting with a new account to pay business funds into. I’m still cooking because I’m cooking for the kids and I anyway and there’s usually enough left for him. I don’t sit with him at night, certainly wouldn’t be leaving the bath water in - basically slowly but surely disentangling day today living.

While he is at work try to contact a womens helpline, you do not have to give your name if you choose not too.
He is abusive to you.
Abuse is not always black eyes it can be very sneaky.
You may feel that it is thirty years wasted but it is better than forty.
Maybe this is your time to shine.
Start to take care of yourself mentally and physically.
Such a lot of control is making him look like a scared sheep in wolves clothing,
Good luck, I am sure that you can do this and dont be afraid because he will be enjoy that.