Scared to walk after 30 years

[MidnightStorm]

So I’m gonna hit 48 next month, been wed 30 years or as I now refer to it as, my 30 year war.
No mortgage one older child, moved 20+ times due to his work, marriage been in trouble last 4 years, he convinced me to sell up in Kent to be mortgage free in his home town in Yorkshire, promised me our time, fresh start and to re-connect, been living here 8 months and I hate it, I lived here 18 years ago and hated it then, stupid me!
Now instead of him getting a part time job for a better life, he works 50 hours a week, and I’m dumped and alone, with no family or friends, I’ve tried to talk to him and even went to relate twice, didn’t work, he’s controlling, manipulative and says “he knows what’s best for me”: I’ve no support, and this is my first time reaching out, I feel if I don’t do something now I’ll be dead before I’m 50, I’ve got no idea where to start, been researching online for what I can do, it’s a nightmare as when I told him a few weeks ago I can’t do this he told me to F.Off and go… I can’t as I have no money, I want to sell the house or he buy me out and just walk away, the mental damage that man has done to me is more than any women can bear, I’ve lost my identity and don’t know myself, but I know I’m in here somewhere and I need to find her, god the tears hurt, the pain hurts.. where did those 30 years of my life go I’m so broken 😞

I've just read your thread, it's so sad and you must be so lonely. You've had some fab advice, I just wanted to add my voice as someone who's also made the decision to go, and older than you! You have so much of your life left.
One thing that I didn't grasp at the beginning of my journey was that you can't get a financial settlement agreed by the court until you apply for your decree absolute. So in all likelihood you will need to divorce on the grounds of behaviour,,and start that process withiin 6 months. I know that's a lot to get your head around now, but don't put it off too long. And don't doubt that you have grounds, you have plenty.
I wish you well. The most important thing now is to hold your nerve. Don't cave because if feels too hard and too mean. You'll only be there in another 5 years like I am.

@HappyAsASandboy - thank you for pointing out that the cash back shows up on the receipt but not the bank statement. Mea culpa.

@MidnightStorm… my mum would always tell me when I was overwhelmed to Keep Calm and Make A List. If you have clicked on the links for the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That?) and The Freedom Programme, then you’ll probably be getting a load of lightbulb moments wrt your situation. It’s a lot to take in, and quite daunting.

However, I’d suggest in keeping it simple!

1. Email Women’s Aid. Use your private email account.

(They’ll respond quite quickly, and they can send you in the right direction for hopefully free legal advice, can sort out accommodation for you. They’re flipping brilliant.)

1. Call or meet up with your bestie and tell her what’s happening to you.

What you MUST NOT DO is give any indication of this to your other half. Men can do some crazy and stupid stuff if they think they’ve been rumbled.

Baby steps…

As someone who receives spousal maintenance I would strongly advise you not to go for it unless there's absolutely no other option.

Instead, go for a higher percentage of the capital split of assets (house, pension etc) and get a clean break order.

If you have spousal maintenance you will remain attached to him and he will use it every single month as his only way to continue to control you.

Hi, divorced in June after 30 years. My ex could be emotionally abusive but took a very long time for me to make that break. It’s hard. But, you can do it
I found the divorce itself very very easy. I used a solicitor ONLY to come up with the exact wording for unreasonable behaviour. I just paid for that and then submitted everything on line. That part of my divorce cost less than £1000 and was easy
Sadly you aren’t going to get any more than 50% of assets plus whatever is agreed for kids no matter what his behaviour. The court will not take his behaviour or abuse into account. However sounds like 50% is better than you hav3 now. If you can download form D81 form government web site. Find a time when he’s not around and use that as guide to search all the financial information and download or transfer files for everything it mentions.
I worked really hard to keep things “amicable” through the process. I had to swallow my pride a bit more and keep my mouth shut at times and had to make compromises. However, it meant we did manage to go tge consent order route. Again relatively simple and quite honestly less painful than going down the mediation/solicitor route or god forbid the court route.
The whole process from me raising petition to decree final took 9 weeks. I think they may have expedited it as I used words like safe guarding, abuse and my mental well-being…may have helped .
As mnhq have said get advice from experts on DV . BUT you can do this..feels like everything is falling apart and your stuck in headlights currently ..it WILL get better once you start the process and get in control of it.

Please forgive my silence, I’ve not been in a good place these past few days, it’s taken it’s toll on me mentally and emotionally, I’ve hardly slept or eaten and I really felt at my lowest, if I say I’ve kind of caved but with good reason, would that make any sense?
In my little world of thoughts, can I or will I be able to put my bullshit face on and act like the world is ok, until I’m stronger? I never knew I could even reach out until last week, I was to ashamed, he still thinks it’s me, and then gives me 10 reasons on how my life would be better if I did, A/B/C with, we have a perfect life etc, I sat and looked at him and listened and just nodded, like a pathetic ungrateful wife, then Ive come on here and see all these amazing women giving their time, to help me and I think, why??? I’m nobody, just a silly women on HRT craving something that don’t exist, it’s like I’m searching to find something that’s missing, maybe it is me…. Maybe I live in fairyland, with sparkles… do I need to grow up and accept the world and life as it is….
He’s not a bad man, he works hard, I’m just doubting myself, then I say no! Enough now… it’s my time, can I hatch a plan, in my head, empower myself with knowledge, and stop being weak, to grow some balls, and take my life back.
So for now, I’m gonna do just that, I’ll slowly drip feed cash into my new account, small amounts, I’ll say it’s my rainy day acc, or just lie and say I’m saving for something extra special, how will it take it…
God knows… but my mum has given good advice too, become the actress, become another woman playing a role, do what you need to do, and then boom… my mums wise, she’s been wed 3x and has a skill and art and knowledge, I
Perhaps most of you might not get it, but it resonated with me, I’ve played the perfect wife through his military career, and can become strong be using that…I’m learning new skills taking on board all the links and advice you’ve given, roll on Monday, which is the start of my freedom plan, maybe I’ll wake up and think I’m crazy, maybe you will too, I just in my heart that when the time is right and I’m stronger, I can do anything.
Xxxxx

So sorry you have not been in a good place. I'm glad you are thinking about things and asking "what if" and "can I" questions.
You aren't crazy and you aren't a nobody!
Sometimes it is actually better ( although painful) to do things all in one go quickly - like ripping a plaster off.
Please do make contact with Women's Aid. It will help you get stronger.

Hi Midnightstorm, I'm sorry you're going through this. You've had some really good advice. Definitely see a solicitor, and make sure they are strong and can tell you how they deal with cases like yours where there is emotional and financial abuse over a long period of time. Don't hide anything, be very honest.

Stowe Family Law are good and have offices all over the country. They also hold regular webinars and support groups for free that you can join online.

You will also need emotional support as you go forward, someone to walk beside you, supporting you. Someone trained in this sort of case. You could google your local domestic abuse charities, as well as contacting Women's Aid.

Good luck to you. You deserve so much more than this. A happy future does await.

You could also buy some books, I recommend Lundy Bancroft but also Caron Kipping's book Recognition to Recovery, which is all about surviving and thriving after abuse.

He’s not a bad man, he works hard, I’m just doubting myself, then I say no!

Reread your own posts as if they were written by a friend - what advice would you give them and would you really believe a coercive and controlling man was good?

An acquaintance of mine divorced after 40 yrs. Different relationship issue (she discovered her DH's retirement hobby was a 30 yr old yoga teacher) but like you her career had been compromised to follow his around and raise the family, he had dominated decisions about their friends, activities etc.

She had a tough first year, it was a huge adaptation and reorienting of her own life. However she was able to rebuild her own friends and take up new interests and five years on is happier than she had been for many years.

Yes how are you doing? I have been thinking about you.