Scared to walk after 30 years

[MidnightStorm]

So I’m gonna hit 48 next month, been wed 30 years or as I now refer to it as, my 30 year war.
No mortgage one older child, moved 20+ times due to his work, marriage been in trouble last 4 years, he convinced me to sell up in Kent to be mortgage free in his home town in Yorkshire, promised me our time, fresh start and to re-connect, been living here 8 months and I hate it, I lived here 18 years ago and hated it then, stupid me!
Now instead of him getting a part time job for a better life, he works 50 hours a week, and I’m dumped and alone, with no family or friends, I’ve tried to talk to him and even went to relate twice, didn’t work, he’s controlling, manipulative and says “he knows what’s best for me”: I’ve no support, and this is my first time reaching out, I feel if I don’t do something now I’ll be dead before I’m 50, I’ve got no idea where to start, been researching online for what I can do, it’s a nightmare as when I told him a few weeks ago I can’t do this he told me to F.Off and go… I can’t as I have no money, I want to sell the house or he buy me out and just walk away, the mental damage that man has done to me is more than any women can bear, I’ve lost my identity and don’t know myself, but I know I’m in here somewhere and I need to find her, god the tears hurt, the pain hurts.. where did those 30 years of my life go I’m so broken 😞

IAAP I looked into getting my own bank acc online, I have to physically go in, again impossible right now, maybe I’m just overwhelmed. I have separate email acc, which is set to private, I hope, I don’t have friends or family close by, so leaving isn’t an option, plus I don’t want him dragging his heels over the house, I was advised not to leave until the house is agreed, and yes that means I have to wait, I’ve just got to focus on that.

IKnow, I’m just trying to keep things simple, cooking cleaning blah, I need to keep busy,

Thanks Monica, one day at a time 😔

i have replied to your message.

Who advised you not to leave the house? Instinctively i feel there must be provisions for women who are being abused to be able to leave the house and not lose a financial claim but i have no idea if that is correct.

You can open a Monzo bank account on line.

I split at your age. I look back at the 18 years I spent with XDH with astonishment - on the one hand, what a waste of a big chunk of my life. But on the other hand, how distant it all seems now and how short the nasty bit was of breaking away.

We cohabited for 14 months post split (definitely the hardest bit). I moved into a separate room, most of everything else carried on the same as there was no danger of him contesting the separation and the house was on the market. He started internet dating about 3 weeks after I'd told him it was over which was a massive relief for me.

Splitting is like childbirth - it can be messy, humiliating and painful in the short term but is over relatively quickly and is well worth all the pain.

XDH was very controlling; in the end I focussed on just selling the house and separating physically + getting a legal separation agreement which protected us both, the actual divorce didn't happen for several years.

The most important thing is not to waver - you want to be able to live separately from him, and to have a fair deal. Try to detach mentally from him, see him as a stranger.

I would guess the starting point will be 50% of all marital assets, but spousal maintenance would be pretty unlikely and with a very controlling XDH I'd be going for a clean break, I wouldn't want to be dependent on him in the future, it's just another opportunity for him to carry on controlling you.

Y

Thanks JSL and reading online, worse mistake when marriages end is to leave the house? I’ll check my messages now

Gather your marriage certificate (or send off for a replacement); gather any information you can about the pension, his current employer/salary and the bank accounts.

Find a solicitor - don't rely on the mythical free half hour, know that you are going to have to spend some money to get things sorted. Explain your situation to a solicitor so they know you can't afford to pay as you go.

If he is happy to split then that will definitely help.

Hi Purple, I hear you but have to say, the maintenance I want is important to me, unless I can get a better deal, I’ll be leaving with only my personal effects, if he takes the house on, he can have it all! It’s a beautiful house, but it’s not a home & wow, 3 weeks till internet dating!! Ewww… why… men 🙄 I couldn’t even consider anything like that, 🤢

Once I download the Monzo bank acc app it will go on all our devices 🤦🏼‍♀️ Why am I scared?

You are scared because he has trained you to be completely under his control and has prevented you from acting independently.

Can you set yourself up a personal separate iCloud account?

You will very likely receive 50% of all marital assets as your divorce settlement - 50% of the equity in the house, and the equivalent of 50% of the pension that's in his name, and 50% of the value of the car if it's worth a decent amount. Far more than just your personal effects. Given you are only 48 and will be able to move out and work from what I understand maintenance will be unlikely but you should have a good pot of cash to get you started if your lovely home is already mortgage free.

Hi Purple, so I think I’ve managed to apply for a bank account, waiting for confirmation, as to the iCloud, all my personal details and history of things I need are on there, I’m not computer savvy, so I’ll look into, I would rather he make an new account, I just don’t know, it’s all my photos my music, games, my life.. hmmm

I am so sorry to read this. I suspect the things you are not saying are very, very telling. You have had your confidence and self esteem beaten down.

With no dependent children, the starting point will be that you are each entitled to 50% of the family assets. Spousal maintenance is unlikely these days.

Start thinking about what job you might be able to do.

The time separated waiting for the divorce and assets to be split can be a very horrible, even dangerous time. I'd say your priority would be to get away safely. Do you have any family anywhere would would come and collect you and give you respite while everything is sorted out.

Have you considered doing a job with accommodation included ? Look on line at the situations vacant in The Lady. You could also provide live in care privately for an elderly person though an agency like www.countrycousins.co.uk or as matron for a private girls school. This kind of role would be hard work but from what I surmise from what you have said, may be better than your current home life.

Meanwhile, get yourself informed, these might help you understand what has been happening to you

https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Good luck, keep in touch here. PM me if you would like. All the best.

It is really important you get some advice from womens aid. They are really experienced and can give you advice on keeping safe and advice on technology and all sorts. You are at your most vulnerable to further abuse at the point of leaving/considering leaving. Therefore it is really important you get support with this. Your financial claim isn't legally impacted if you leave. What it does is can make it harder ie. Emotionally and they are sitting on/in the biggest asset and can drag their heels, yes it for negotiations etc.....
Please get good advice and support, it is out there for you x

Spousal maintenance is still very much a thing, btw. I have plenty of cases where it is ordered, so please take proper advice from a solicitor before writing it off.

I would also absolutely not advise you not to leave. Who on earth told you to stay? They are talking nonsense, it will not affect your entitlement at all.

Ultimately, you could seek a refuge place, to give you time and support to recover, rebuild, and get ready to divorce him.

Hi MidnightStorm,

We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters on your thread but we just thought we'd add some links to a couple of organisations which can give you some more help in real life.

Both Women's Aid and Rights of Women have lots of information about coercive control on their websites, and we know they've helped lots of MNers in the past. Please click on these links for more info:

Women's Aid - what is coercive control

Rights of Women - coercive control and the law

Best of luck, OP. We hope you're able to access the support you need.

I’m overwhelmed, truly I am, and I don’t want to cry right now, never heard of coercive control, I understand control, he’s ex military, says a lot I guess, he doesn’t hit me, I just wanted to make that clear.
My parents are both elderly and poorly, I don’t have much contact with my siblings, sister whose younger than me has just been diagnosed with BC 😪 I can’t put on anyone, my son whose 25 is far away and can’t drive, he’s another that’s got some issues.
As for my best friend, her life is hectic, I’ve got to stand on my own 2 feet, I’m choosing to do this so I’ve got to do it, at least I’ve successfully managed to get a bank acc, though I don’t know enough about Monzo, to scared to drip feed any money across.
I have 4 hours till he’s back, I’ll use my time wisely and check the links you’ve posted.
I know I’m in a vulnerable emotional state, I’m worried I will crumble, maybe he will just accept.

Thanks Mrs Bert, I thought spousal maintenance was an interesting fact, why shouldn’t he support me till I find my feet, I’ve sacrificed my life for his happiness, as for not leaving ( I read it online ) I don’t have nowhere to go, I’ll see how I can make life doable while I’m here… I need to get stronger, it’s taken me months just to pluck up the courage just to post, for fear of being told I’m stupid, ungrateful, pathetic.
Hugs to all xx

aw! No one is going to tell you any of those things about you. Well it is the internet and you do get the odd lunatic with strange ideas but this board is very supportive, as far as i can see.

i can see how overwhelming the idea of coercive control is for you. if you are feeling upset, can you do anything to lift your spirits a little? On the one hand It's important to feel your feelings and not bury them. On the other hand, you still need to be able to function.

You have already had a win today by setting up your bank account. I find icloud very confusing. Perhaps another message board will help you to uncouple yours from his?

My sister wasted 20 years on my bastard exbil
She ended up suicidal
He controlled EVERYTHING
Coercive control is SO pervasive and these men are VERY good at appearing perfect to others
All I can tell you is that 2 years down the line she has a nice rental home, a new job, a new man and is happy
She had no bank account either...I know it seems so hard/impossible right but it's not
To do:

1. Sort Bank account
2. You can access websites etc using a vpn - I use windscribe but there are loads
3. Get legal advice pronto - is there a reason you can't use public transport?
4. Try and get photos of any paperwork if you can...pension forecasts, savings etc
5. If you aren't on the mortgage/deeds contact land registry and declare an interest on the property - costs about £15 iirc
6. Apply for UC asap

You can do this

Minimum you are entitled to is half hpuse/equity and half his pension

Good luck

Just keep going OP, you’ve done the hard part. Imagine what you’re working towards, and keep going 💐

Thanks Bigyellow and Opal, everything has snowballed since yesterday, I’ve brain fog right now I just need time to process, I can use public transport but I don’t know the area well enough, I’ll have to use google maps, my anxiety has shot threw the roof today, I think I’m also suffering from a touch of agoraphobia, I did manage a quick call to my bestie, it just made me wish I was getting my nails done with her today and grabbing a coffee… I’m doubting myself, like a previous lady said, expect to be up and down anytime. 😞

Have a look a the 'meet up' website for your area. You sound isolated and there are loads of groups on there that people join to do activities with. i think building a bit of a network or just having an outlet and contact with other human beings can help.

It's normal for your feelings to be all over the place. Trust the process.

I'm rooting for you.
You can do this.
Just because he doesn't hit you it doesn't mean he's not abusive , it sounds like he is.
What would he say if you got a job ?
Maybe you could find a live in job ?
Eg housekeeping or bar staff. It may not be ideal but you can start again and you'll have somewhere to live.
You say your best friend has a hectic life , so do I , but I'd gladly help if you were my friend

You may be entitled to legal aid as you are a victim of coercive control. Please contact women's aid for advice on this ( and loads of other stuff as well). If you get legal aid you could get free solicitor support for the divorce.

a live in job could be a way of leaving without leaving, if there is an issue with a claim on the house.People with live in jobs still have homes to go back to.

i hope you are ok.

You say you have been in touch with your 'bestie'.... TELL HER what is happening... make sure people knkw your situation... I know this seems intrusive for someone who is as private as you are... but it is a way of staying safe... and make sure your husband knows you have been telling people.. do not let him take away your confidence and self worth...
And I understand you want 'revenge' for all the years you have put into this marriage.....but you will get a fair settlement and it will be enough to start your new life... dont get bogged down with bitterness and regret.. be positive and forward looking.. this is all about you... your future.. and it will be good.. everything is possible.