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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Sharing custody of breastfeeding toddler?

83 replies

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 20:35

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are separated but currently still living together and beginning mediation. We have two girls who are 4 and 2. Our 2 year old still breastfeeds and also shares a bed with me. She is very attached to me, and also has developmental delays - she is speech delayed and also cannot yet walk or stand. Therefore she’s extremely reliant on me. My ex wants 50/50 custody and intends to put her into nursery a couple of days a week to make this happen. I think it’s madness as she’s just not ready for nursery due to her delays, and also growing up during the pandemic so having very limited exposure to other children/people in general. I’m a stay at home mother so can be with her all the time. I also don’t want her gone for 50% of nights, it’ll likely end our breastfeeding journey and she’s used to sleeping next to me her whole life.

Has anyone been in a vaguely similar situation? Or just got any advice? I’m so upset at the thought of him taking her half the time, only to stick her in nursery when she could be with me. I’ve told him I am happy to do 50/50 when she’s older but he wants it now.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 19/10/2021 20:59

Putting her in nursery makes no sense if you are there to care for her. Can he even make that decision? I don't know the answer but I expect you might need to go to court to get things sorted out in your DDs best interests.

TrampolineForMrKite · 19/10/2021 21:04

I think the reliance on breastfeeding probably rules out nights- when does the mediation start?

BrilloPaddy · 19/10/2021 21:06

What sort of arsehole would have their child in nursery when they can be with their mother...........

You need some good legal advice on this one.

Original poster

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 21:19

@TrampolineForMrKite

I think the reliance on breastfeeding probably rules out nights- when does the mediation start?

We had our first session a couple of weeks ago, which was where I found out his intentions. The next one is in early November.

OP posts:

Original poster

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 21:21

@BrilloPaddy

What sort of arsehole would have their child in nursery when they can be with their mother...........

You need some good legal advice on this one.

I don’t know what to do. I’m desperately trying to avoid court because it will utterly screw me financially. We’d have to sell the house (at the moment the plan is for me to keep living in it until DD starts school) and then I’d have to get a job anyway and wouldn’t be around to have her. He says it’s for her own good, so she can socialise. It’s BS, he’s just doing what’s best for him. Developmentally she just isn’t anywhere near ready to spend 8 hours a day in nursery.

OP posts:

Original poster

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 21:23

@ApolloandDaphne

He’s just being totally selfish. I’m worried court is the answer but it’ll ruin my financial future, I need as much of a share of the house to be able to start again by myself. He has rich parents so doesn’t care, he intends to get them to pay for the childcare.

OP posts:

kateg27 · 19/10/2021 21:25

You'd probably find a few hours, a couple of days per week, in nursery would help her development and speech etc. It has done with many children I have worked with.
I think they're a little small for 50/50 contact, however, especially if you are at home.

Original poster

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 21:27

@kateg27

You'd probably find a few hours, a couple of days per week, in nursery would help her development and speech etc. It has done with many children I have worked with. I think they're a little small for 50/50 contact, however, especially if you are at home.

I agree, and I do intend to have her do a few hours somewhere when her mobility improves a bit more. I just can’t agree to half of her time W away from me, and 8 hour days in nursery

OP posts:

bhooks · 19/10/2021 21:31

I'm sorry to hear your ex is thinking of himself first.
However, it's also very possible a judge might agree with him.

A friend of mine was in a similar position. Although her child didn't have a developmental delay, there were health needs. Mum worked but with a lot of flexibility. Judge awarded 50/50 with the child going to childcare on Dad's days at times mum was available. The judge didn't agree that being with a parent, the primary care giver, was preferable. 😢

So get good advice if you can or see if there's any compromise such as half days in childcare instead of a full days. Good luck

titchy · 19/10/2021 21:39

She should be treated as a child much younger given her delay - make sure the mediator is aware that her needs are that of a say a 9-12 month old. Do you have anything from her paediatrician that explains her needs?

Longdistance · 19/10/2021 21:41

I can see why you’re separated.
Your dc are probably too young for 50/50 and I assume he’s doing it so he doesn’t have to pay much CM. The courts will see through him.

selflove · 19/10/2021 21:47

Could you agree to a 50/50 split, with the "other" parent always getting first refusal if childcare is needed?

So for example if you're going out when the kids are with you, you have to ask him first if he'd like the additional time with the kids before you ask a family member to babysit etc.

And on his time, whilst it's 50/50 on paper, DD2 would come to you 9am-5pm while he's working etc. It means you wouldn't get child maintenance (so he'll be happy) but DD wouldn't be in nursery all those hours, so you're happy.

And both agree that after she turns 3 and gets the 15 funded hours, she'll go into nursery 5 mornings a week 9-12 or something, which means she gets the socialisation that he wants too.

gogohm · 19/10/2021 21:49

If she has significant delays there may be funding and access to a nursery that can provide for her needs, this may be beneficial for her. Overnight arrangements need to wait until you wean but they court would not look favourably on you if they felt you were extending breastfeeding to stop access.

Embracelife · 19/10/2021 21:52

Agree that nursery may be beneficial.
Look for special needs nursery

Postdatedpandemic · 19/10/2021 22:02

What does her paediatrician say?

She has quite significant delays, I hope there is some professional input.

Original poster

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 22:08

@gogohm

This feels so unfair. My intention is to breastfeed her until she weans herself, whenever that may be. How can the courts know if I’m extending it purposefully or not? I’m sure he would tell them that I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 22:09

@Postdatedpandemic

What does her paediatrician say?

She has quite significant delays, I hope there is some professional input.

Maybe I should give her paediatrician a call, I haven’t discussed the divorce with her. We haven’t seen her since April, I think they’re running behind with appointments as we were due to have a six month review this month.

OP posts:

isitweds9thseptyet · 19/10/2021 22:10

When i first separated from my ex
I was part time and still did the daytimes for my toddler on the days she was technically with dad. Ie dad dropping her off and picking her up as if i was childcare. I did it as it was best for her. Could this be a compromise?

Postdatedpandemic · 19/10/2021 22:11

@Parmaviolet1719 nag the paediatrician, give them a hard time. Show that you are being very proactive.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/10/2021 22:13

Imo get professionals involved. Dr /specialists etc... Dh got his contact from 8 am Saturday even though dc got dropped at his dm's... Ds3 had a medical condition that exh denied existed.. You need back up here op... In a NT 2yo you would likely be expected to quit bf. If your dd has some SN I would say (awkwardly) that will go in your favour...
Keep a meticulous diary of who takes dd to what appointments /groups etc. Show you have been /are the primary carer...

selflove · 19/10/2021 22:20

I suspect that a judge would say at 2years old, the benefits of extended breastfeeding are outweighed by the benefits of getting to spend time with her father, and for him to have an equal role in her life.

Perhaps approach some nurseries now, really emphasising your daughters needs. If you can get refusal letters in writing saying they can't meet her needs, along with the paediatrician's letter, it might help make the case that she should go to you for "childcare" each day instead of a nursery, at least?

Embracelife · 19/10/2021 22:26

Thing is
if he really will step up to 50 50 you may well really appreciate the break given the delays of your dc
So don't decline it completely
Parenting a disabled child is relentless so if you will get that break where she is with her dad and his family or childcare then you will appreciate it in longer term
And she will be used to it
So if you ou are sick or anything you already have other options
Don t dismiss it

Embracelife · 19/10/2021 22:27

Far better to encourage him to take the responsibility for her

Stickyblue1987 · 19/10/2021 22:29

As a HCP I have worked with a lot of nurseries and not known any (thankfully) who have refused to have a child based on their needs. Some children have had very complex medical needs (ventilated, feeding tubes etc) and still gone to nursery. Yes it has taken planning and training but it's so-able. So I don't think op trying to get nurseries to collude with her is a good idea.

On the information provided- child's limited social experiences due to Covid and developmental delay nursery could be a good idea. However I don't think this should be at the expense of a parent who is available to have them.

Original poster

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 22:29

@Embracelife

Thing is if he really will step up to 50 50 you may well really appreciate the break given the delays of your dc So don't decline it completely Parenting a disabled child is relentless so if you will get that break where she is with her dad and his family or childcare then you will appreciate it in longer term And she will be used to it So if you ou are sick or anything you already have other options Don t dismiss it

I am with her 24/7 now, so any kind of shared custody will be a break for me. But this isn’t about me, it’s about what’s best for her, and being passed back and forth, spending days and nights away from me and under the care of strangers will be very distressing for her.

OP posts:

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