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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Sharing custody of breastfeeding toddler?

83 replies

Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 20:35

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are separated but currently still living together and beginning mediation. We have two girls who are 4 and 2. Our 2 year old still breastfeeds and also shares a bed with me. She is very attached to me, and also has developmental delays - she is speech delayed and also cannot yet walk or stand. Therefore she’s extremely reliant on me. My ex wants 50/50 custody and intends to put her into nursery a couple of days a week to make this happen. I think it’s madness as she’s just not ready for nursery due to her delays, and also growing up during the pandemic so having very limited exposure to other children/people in general. I’m a stay at home mother so can be with her all the time. I also don’t want her gone for 50% of nights, it’ll likely end our breastfeeding journey and she’s used to sleeping next to me her whole life.

Has anyone been in a vaguely similar situation? Or just got any advice? I’m so upset at the thought of him taking her half the time, only to stick her in nursery when she could be with me. I’ve told him I am happy to do 50/50 when she’s older but he wants it now.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 19/10/2021 22:33

They won't be strangers for long.
She will get to know them

Embracelife · 19/10/2021 22:37

A couple days nursery won't be bad thing.
You get break to recharge
She gets new experiences
Just because she cannot walk does not mean she cannot benefit
Nursery can help assess and do therapies like physio etc and she will gain from experience.

I would not dismiss the idea out of hand
(Ds didn't walk til 2 severe ly delayed etc )
What about the other dc?
Good for them to see dad.

Embracelife · 19/10/2021 22:39

She will spend nights with her dad and grandparents. Couple days nursery.
Other days and nights with you.
Gives you respite.
Nursery workers will not be strangers for long.

CampagVelocet · 19/10/2021 22:40

It may well be beneficial for her development OP.

Newnews · 19/10/2021 22:50

I hope you don’t mind me asking but do you know the cause of her developmental delays?

I think you need to make it clear to a judge that extended breastfeeding is not in any way related to a child being developmentally delayed. The two things are separate. You would want to continue feeding her even if she were not delayed. Don’t let the two issues become conflated, they are entirely separate. If it does go as far as court then make sure you have a statement from a good IBCLC or similar stating the benefits of extended breastfeeding and the WHO recommendations to feed to at least 2 years and beyond. If your ex is a dick then there is a chance that he may try to claim that you are in effect contributing to your daughters delays by still feeding her and therefore overnight visits and hence weaning her would be beneficial. Don’t entertain any of that bullshit.

Strangevipers · 19/10/2021 22:51

Just wondering is he a good dad?

It's got to be hard to not have his child living with him

Could you explain to him that it will likely take a year for it to get to court and you will be unlikely breastfeeding by then. So to save everyone the stress and money and destroying what's left of your relationship can't he just wait until baby isn't breastfeeding and you will absolutely be happy to have 50/50 ?

Severntrent · 19/10/2021 22:54

Although breastfeeding and co sleeping till your dd chooses not to might have been your ideal, you might find it gets in the way of her developing a relationship with your ex now you are getting divorced. So you might have to think about your feelings on that. It does seem a bit daft to send her off for 8 hours while you are at home. Could you reach a compromise on a half day?

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 22:54

@Strangevipers

Just wondering is he a good dad?

It's got to be hard to not have his child living with him

Could you explain to him that it will likely take a year for it to get to court and you will be unlikely breastfeeding by then. So to save everyone the stress and money and destroying what's left of your relationship can't he just wait until baby isn't breastfeeding and you will absolutely be happy to have 50/50 ?

Does it really take that long? I knew it would take longer than mediation, and that will take months. But have no real idea of the court process.
OP posts:
Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 23:00

@Newnews

I hope you don’t mind me asking but do you know the cause of her developmental delays?

I think you need to make it clear to a judge that extended breastfeeding is not in any way related to a child being developmentally delayed. The two things are separate. You would want to continue feeding her even if she were not delayed. Don’t let the two issues become conflated, they are entirely separate. If it does go as far as court then make sure you have a statement from a good IBCLC or similar stating the benefits of extended breastfeeding and the WHO recommendations to feed to at least 2 years and beyond. If your ex is a dick then there is a chance that he may try to claim that you are in effect contributing to your daughters delays by still feeding her and therefore overnight visits and hence weaning her would be beneficial. Don’t entertain any of that bullshit.

Unfortunately we don’t have a diagnosis yet. We’ve had a lot of tests and the paediatrician is at the point of just wanting to leave it as unexplained , but I am pushing for more extensive genetic testing at the moment. I can see him definitely trying to claim in court that it’s due to me. He already called her paediatrician behind My back in February, and told her I was mentally unstable and not taking good care of her, and he thought her delays were my fault. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s ridiculous. My days and nights revolve around her, I take her to all her appointments, do her physio, and am the one who pushes for everything and advocates for her.
OP posts:
Embracelife · 19/10/2021 23:06

"My days and nights revolve around her, I take her to all her appointments, do her physio, and am the one who pushes for everything and advocates for her."

That is good
But you run the risk of burn out

What about your other dc?

Accept him taking her for some days
See how it goes

The paediatrician won't listen to his assertions about you

cansu · 19/10/2021 23:10

It sounds like he is doing this to hurt you. I would tell him you will definitely consider that as it sounds like a great idea fir you personally as you will be free to pursue hobbies interests and other friendships on those days while he gets to spend more time caring for his dd. Then go grey rock. I would be greatly surprised if he goes for it. Ask him to research a suitable nursery and sort out his back up childcare plans for when she is sick.

minipie · 19/10/2021 23:12

Gosh OP

It sounds like you really need a medical opinion that she is not ready for nursery or that being at home with you will be better for her given her delays.

I would downplay the breastfeeding/cosleeping as that will be seen as your choice (unless you can get the paed to say it’s beneficial but I doubt that).

Good luck, I would absolutely chase for a review with the paediatrician and see what they will put on paper re nursery vs being with you. I cannot believe a speech delayed non standing non walking 2 yr old would really be better off in nursery 8 hours a day and would hope the paed would say so.

You will need to share some custody of your DC though, he is their father, so have a think about what timing would be best. Perhaps weekend time so no nursery?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 19/10/2021 23:14

At 2 she does not need to be breastfeeding still so a court will not accept that as a reason not to spend time with her father. This seems to be more about your needs than hers and my immediate thought is that you are holding her back because you don't want her to develop a strong bond with her dad. I may be wrong but that is how it comes across.

There is no reason for her not to be in nursery, her father is right that she needs to socialise with other children, developmental delay or no.

There is no reason that she cannot spend nights at her fathers. She is not with strangers, she is with her other parent who has just as much right to spend time with her as you do. Why would she be distressed at being with her dad? Your post is all about how you feel about having her be away from you. How do you think her dad feels? She is his daughter too and unless there is a massive drip feed coming, he is perfectly capable of caring for her.

Honestly I think a judge would agree with him, that she does need the social side of nursery and that there really isn't a legitimate reason he can't have 50/50. If I were you I would compromise with your ex for the sake of maintaining good relations. He will likely get 50/50 anyway if it comes to it.

Going to court over custody is not in the best interests of your child when you could come to an agreement between yourselves.

lynntheyresexpeople · 19/10/2021 23:17

I don't think breast feeding will be a good enough reason for her not to be with her father 50/50.
I also think nursery will be really beneficial to her development, don't rule it out.

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 23:21

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

At 2 she does not need to be breastfeeding still so a court will not accept that as a reason not to spend time with her father. This seems to be more about your needs than hers and my immediate thought is that you are holding her back because you don't want her to develop a strong bond with her dad. I may be wrong but that is how it comes across.

There is no reason for her not to be in nursery, her father is right that she needs to socialise with other children, developmental delay or no.

There is no reason that she cannot spend nights at her fathers. She is not with strangers, she is with her other parent who has just as much right to spend time with her as you do. Why would she be distressed at being with her dad? Your post is all about how you feel about having her be away from you. How do you think her dad feels? She is his daughter too and unless there is a massive drip feed coming, he is perfectly capable of caring for her.

Honestly I think a judge would agree with him, that she does need the social side of nursery and that there really isn't a legitimate reason he can't have 50/50. If I were you I would compromise with your ex for the sake of maintaining good relations. He will likely get 50/50 anyway if it comes to it.

Going to court over custody is not in the best interests of your child when you could come to an agreement between yourselves.

I think you need to try reading my post again. I haven’t remotely made it all about me and my needs - I’ve made it clear that I’m worried about the effect on her, and how distressing she would find it. You don’t know my child or her needs, and I find it really insulting that you’re implying this is just about me wanting to keep my child attached to me. She has never slept through the night. She needs constant attention all day. I’m EXHAUSTED. I WANT a break. But not at the expense of my child’s sense of security and happiness.
OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 19/10/2021 23:26

He already called her paediatrician behind My back in February, and told her I was mentally unstable and not taking good care of her, and he thought her delays were my fault. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s ridiculous.

@Parmaviolet1719 This is abusive, gaslighting behaviour. It is extremely difficult co parenting with an abusive ex. Do you have supportive people who can stand by you? Flowers

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 23:26

@lynntheyresexpeople

I don't think breast feeding will be a good enough reason for her not to be with her father 50/50. I also think nursery will be really beneficial to her development, don't rule it out.
I definitely haven’t ruled it out. My intention was always to put her in nursery for a couple of mornings a week at some point, which is what her sister did at the same age. But there’s a big difference between that, and taking a child who’s never been apart from her mother and putting her in nursery 8 hours a day.
OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 19/10/2021 23:29

I'm not trying to insult you. Just pointing out that she will never bond with her father if you never let him have any significant chunks of time with her.

Also that as her parent, he has rights too.

As I said, I could be wrong about your motivations but I can only give an opinion (which you asked for) based on your posts and that is how they come across.

User310 · 19/10/2021 23:31

Why does everybody keep saying he will likely get 50/50 anyway? This is just not true. They take into consideration the best interest of the child and who the primary care has been since birth. I’m not saying he wouldn’t eventually get something similar, but they do not just take children away from their primary carer 50% of the time and claim it’s good for the child.

It is normally worked up to over a period of time and especially when the child is so young.

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 23:33

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I'm not trying to insult you. Just pointing out that she will never bond with her father if you never let him have any significant chunks of time with her.

Also that as her parent, he has rights too.

As I said, I could be wrong about your motivations but I can only give an opinion (which you asked for) based on your posts and that is how they come across.

I’m not denying him significant chunks of time. I’ve proposed a schedule that has her with him 5 nights out of 14. And said we can work towards 50/50 when she is older. And she already does have a good relationship with him. It’s just not the same as the bond she has with me. And that hasn’t come about because I’m some clingy mother who can’t let go, it just is who she is. My older DD is the polar opposite of her.
OP posts:
minipie · 19/10/2021 23:33

Just pointing out that she will never bond with her father if you never let him have any significant chunks of time with her.

But the father isn’t planning to spend significant chunks of time with her, he’s planning to put her in nursery all day?!

Strangevipers · 19/10/2021 23:34

Does it really take that long? I knew it would take longer than mediation, and that will take months. But have no real idea of the court process.

Absolutely, check with a current practicing solicitor they will give you 30 mins free advice . But it usually takes atleast 6 months if there are no concerns for the child's welfare such as if there's no abuse or anything like that and with Covid they have had do the court cases remotely instead or had to cancel complete and there's a massive backlog. So yes it's very likely to take a long time to get there. Plus you have to do mediation first which I know has started and you may come to an agreement there so court won't happen but I would expect if you do go to court it will take a while

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 23:35

@User310

Why does everybody keep saying he will likely get 50/50 anyway? This is just not true. They take into consideration the best interest of the child and who the primary care has been since birth. I’m not saying he wouldn’t eventually get something similar, but they do not just take children away from their primary carer 50% of the time and claim it’s good for the child.

It is normally worked up to over a period of time and especially when the child is so young.

Thank you. This is exactly what I want. I’ve told him we can do 50/50 when the kids are older. But from my own experience of my children, and what I’ve read, I believe it will be horribly upsetting for them (particularly my youngest) to jump straight to a 50/50 split.
OP posts:
Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 19/10/2021 23:36

@minipie

Just pointing out that she will never bond with her father if you never let him have any significant chunks of time with her.

But the father isn’t planning to spend significant chunks of time with her, he’s planning to put her in nursery all day?!

Exactly!
OP posts:
Crikeycroc · 19/10/2021 23:36

Don’t ask on here about extended breastfeeding, the average poster will tell you that it’s all for your own benefit and after 1 children should all be drinking the milk of another species Grin Your local La Leche League may be able to provide you with some guidance.
www.laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-contact-cases/