Sharing custody of breastfeeding toddler?

[Parmaviolet1719]

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are separated but currently still living together and beginning mediation. We have two girls who are 4 and 2. Our 2 year old still breastfeeds and also shares a bed with me. She is very attached to me, and also has developmental delays - she is speech delayed and also cannot yet walk or stand. Therefore she’s extremely reliant on me. My ex wants 50/50 custody and intends to put her into nursery a couple of days a week to make this happen. I think it’s madness as she’s just not ready for nursery due to her delays, and also growing up during the pandemic so having very limited exposure to other children/people in general. I’m a stay at home mother so can be with her all the time. I also don’t want her gone for 50% of nights, it’ll likely end our breastfeeding journey and she’s used to sleeping next to me her whole life.

Has anyone been in a vaguely similar situation? Or just got any advice? I’m so upset at the thought of him taking her half the time, only to stick her in nursery when she could be with me. I’ve told him I am happy to do 50/50 when she’s older but he wants it now.

OP honestly I am sorry but this sounds to me like it's more about your needs than hers.

You dont want to wean her. You don't want her in nursery. You don't want to lose your bond because she's so reliant on you.

You've even said you'll go 50/50 when you start working.

As others have said, nursery might not be the worst thing for her developmentally, especially if the paediatrician is willing to give her a diagnosis.

*unwilling

@CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark totally with you on this one.
Sorry OP but it sounds like you are hurt and holding your babies to you for comfort rather than thinking long term and about their relationship with their father. The longer you leave it until you let them be with him 50/50, normalizing seeing him and having another home, the harder it will be for them later.
Yes, your small one has issues. He can deal with them. He is a parent too. You need to let him be a full and equal part of their lives, not an occasional add on visitor. Children are adaptable. They adapt best when young.
Lots of people have suggested that nursery might actually help your youngest and provide much needed socialisation for the oldest. Kids who do not attend some away from the home pre-school tend to be delayed in many aspects when it comes to school - which is why we have those free hours.
50/50 means you can have a life outside of the home and, importantly, work and provide for yourself.

I think the big elephant in the room here, which you've only mentioned in passing, is money. You seem to be taking it for granted that you'll remain a SAHM and that you'll do this by staying in the marital home (and him paying the mortgage on it? What about other bills - is the plan that you'd live off benefits?), and you're worrying about going to court and rocking this arrangement. But even if he hasn't said it yet, his actions so far make it very clear that he isn't going to support this financially and so I think you need to stop thinking about this as a real option.

Firstly, I returned to shift work full time after mat leave but nevertheless continued to breastfeed toddler for longer than 3 years. Sometimes spending 4 or 5 days completely apart. Your milk supply at 2 years will be so well established that I don't think spending some nights apart has to spell the end of your breastfeeding relationship, at all

This. I went on a business trip for an entire week without my then 2yo. I pumped just to keep everything flowing (simple handheld is fine) but they were just as happy to continue when I came home (and it was a nice way to reconnect after a long time apart).

Maybe it would be helpful to think of how breastfeeding can help reconnect after a few days away etc

Also, don’t understand the bias against cosleeping. In my culture cosleeping is commonly done well into primary school. It’s not associated with poor sleepers or whatever.

@UsedUpUsername it is a weird British/US thing that young children must sleep in a bed on their own.

I co-slept as a pre-school child and now my toddler does. I also know plenty of other children, some of whom are now adults, who co-slept as pre-school children.

Co-sleeping can happen with both parents, either parent or another sibling and it can change on a nightly basis.

And co-sleeping can happen with Dad too.

By 2, your milk supply should be pretty bombproof. I'm bf a child slightly older than this, and I've been away for weekends etc - haven't even needed to pump, and we just carry on where we left off. Your body, and toddler will easily adapt to being able to bf when you are there, and not being a problem when you aren't.

Co-sleeping isn't necessarily a problem either - dads cosleep as well as mums, and they'll find their own way to do nights.

It may well be that when you seperate you'll need to work anyway, so would be looking at childcare in any event.

I think some childcare could be hugely beneficial for your toddler. Lack of socialisation because of covid isnt a reason to delay it, but a reason to start it! It would give you a needed break, and probably be great dor her development. But it doesn't have to be long days - would you be willing to work with your ex to do half days (and then facilitate 'childcare' on the other half of his days?).