Sharing custody of breastfeeding toddler?

[Parmaviolet1719]

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are separated but currently still living together and beginning mediation. We have two girls who are 4 and 2. Our 2 year old still breastfeeds and also shares a bed with me. She is very attached to me, and also has developmental delays - she is speech delayed and also cannot yet walk or stand. Therefore she’s extremely reliant on me. My ex wants 50/50 custody and intends to put her into nursery a couple of days a week to make this happen. I think it’s madness as she’s just not ready for nursery due to her delays, and also growing up during the pandemic so having very limited exposure to other children/people in general. I’m a stay at home mother so can be with her all the time. I also don’t want her gone for 50% of nights, it’ll likely end our breastfeeding journey and she’s used to sleeping next to me her whole life.

Has anyone been in a vaguely similar situation? Or just got any advice? I’m so upset at the thought of him taking her half the time, only to stick her in nursery when she could be with me. I’ve told him I am happy to do 50/50 when she’s older but he wants it now.

I have fed past 2 with my DCs and self weaned with 2 of 3, but unfortunately.still don't think it's a reason to deny shared residency and her having a connection with her father.

You also say that you are a SAHM, but that may not be able to continue, unless your ex is wealthy enough that there will be a lot of property/spousal support coming your way. Have you looked into the financial aspect? It may be that you need to get back to work at some point soon both for the money and work history, and your DD being in nursery a few days a week could be a good thing.

This may be unpopular but I totally agree with @nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

A 2 year old does not need to be breastfed. Breastfeeding them will not improve her developmental issues.
Co sleeping a 2 year old, unless there is a medical reason is holding that child back from being able to independently sleep. Meaning holding back her ability to have a relationship with her father. That’s very very unfair OP.

I would love to hear the Df point of view, if he has expressly said there are concerns with how she is being taken care of, surely with the information provided here, they may be legitimate. I mean, I see red flags all over this.
Support your DD to have healthy relationships with her DF, she won’t thank you for preventing it when she’s old enough to understand. She also won’t thank you for breastfeeding her for extended time!
(I assume i will be ripped to shreds after this but hey, this is just a weird situation and OP needs a good night sleep which may help her see reality!)

I'm going to come out and say something a little different to the other posters.

Firstly, I returned to shift work full time after mat leave but nevertheless continued to breastfeed toddler for longer than 3 years. Sometimes spending 4 or 5 days completely apart. Your milk supply at 2 years will be so well established that I don't think spending some nights apart has to spell the end of your breastfeeding relationship, at all.

Secondly, I have to say I also struggle to see developmental delay as a reason not to attend a (supportive) childcare setting and I'm afraid I don't agree that you should solely get to decide that your daughter can or cannot attend a childcare setting. I could be wrong of course but I doubt your paediatrician will want to involve themselves in a childcare dispute between parents (or in any aspect of your custody arrangements provided you ate both fit parents, and the bar is pretty low). Plenty of children with developmental delay attend childcare settings.

I'm so sorry the above probably sounds unsympathetic whereas actually I feel enormous sympathy for you - the situation you find yourself in must be so painful and worrying. I found returning to work and having to leave my "baby" with husband for several days very difficult and I worried so much and felt very guilty at times - and that was without the emotional context of a relationship breakdown. However, at the time it was necessary and the best thing for the whole family (and my LO and our relationship, including breaatfeeding, were absolutely fine).

You are no longer in a relationship with your ex but I personally think it's still best to take the approach that you remain a family and to an extent that means considering what's best for everyone, including him (even if he is or has been a total arsewipe). I think you're coming at this wrong - this is an opportunity for your ex to become an equal parent and for you to move forward with a cooperative rather than antagonistic relationship - and though it is painful you should (both) seize that opportunity.

I would urge you to be flexible, compromise and focus on going forward with the best co parenting relationship because honestly I think that's the single most important thing for your daughter. A close / equal relationship with her father is going to benefit your daughter in the long term and does not preclude her having a close / secure relationship with you or continuing to breastfeed. The alternative is a lengthy, costly and bitter legal battle, parents who hate each other and/or the rather sad possibility of her ending up with a distant / uninvolved dad.

I wish you much love, strength and luck xxx

@CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark

This may be unpopular but I totally agree with *@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut*

A 2 year old does not need to be breastfed. Breastfeeding them will not improve her developmental issues.
Co sleeping a 2 year old, unless there is a medical reason is holding that child back from being able to independently sleep. Meaning holding back her ability to have a relationship with her father. That’s very very unfair OP.

I would love to hear the Df point of view, if he has expressly said there are concerns with how she is being taken care of, surely with the information provided here, they may be legitimate. I mean, I see red flags all over this.
Support your DD to have healthy relationships with her DF, she won’t thank you for preventing it when she’s old enough to understand. She also won’t thank you for breastfeeding her for extended time!
(I assume i will be ripped to shreds after this but hey, this is just a weird situation and OP needs a good night sleep which may help her see reality!)

What on Earth? Red flags? Because I’m stressed and concerned about the welfare of my child? Just because he said something, doesn’t make it legitimate. Clearly you don’t have a lot of experience with emotionally abusive, gaslighting men. I never said i thought that extended breastfeeding would help her developmental issues. It won’t hurt them either though, will it? I feel sad for you, that you see a concerned mother and find something weird about that.

I'd recommend checking out the Breastfeeding Older Babies and Beyond Facebook group. Lots of women on there who find a way to make breastfeeding and cosleeping work around custody arrangements. I imagine you'll get very sympathetic and helpful advice there.

@squee123

I'd recommend checking out the Breastfeeding Older Babies and Beyond Facebook group. Lots of women on there who find a way to make breastfeeding and cosleeping work around custody arrangements. I imagine you'll get very sympathetic and helpful advice there.

Thank you, I’ve just requested to join. I didn’t realise so many people here would be so anti-natural term breastfeeding

Just adding to what I said earlier -

Clearly you know this already but there's nothing wrong or weird about breastfreding or cosleeping a toddler, or still being very close / dependant at this age.

I think even with developmental delay your little one's ability to adapt to a new normal might really surprise you though!

I have read more of your posts including where you have mentioned sone antagonistic actions your ex has taken. I don't know him, so quite possibly he is just an unmitigated bellend, but equally, sometimes in the context of a relationship breakdown his emotions may be getting the better of him and he may genuinely be viewing you in a terrible / the worst light saying you are unstable etc as that's his interpretation. He may be feeling very sad, angry and scared himself. Of course that won't change how very upsetting for you it is to hear him say such things.

Have you considered using family mediation services? A lot less expensive than a lawyer / court (there may even be charities that provide mediation?) and might help to repair or create some kind of functional relationship with your ex. Or, if he won't engage with that at all then at least you will have demonstrated your willingness to be cooperative and reasonable.

Your suggested 5 nights out of 14 sounds generous to me given the situation. I am critical of the 50/50 push all the time it seems to be often about men's rights not what is best for the child (I accept not always the case). Most of the people I know who went to court, the father got EOW and sometimes an evening in the other week. I wouldn't let him push you to 50/50. Start low and compromise/mediate upwards. Good luck.

Ignore anything that anyone says about extended breastfeeding and cosleeping being a “red flag”. Total rubbish.

I think judges in previous cases have allowed n non resident parent over night access to breast feeding babies over a year abm.me.uk/breastfeeding-information/breastfeeding-and-family-break/

I am shocked at the faith placed in many that the family courts will put the children first

In my experience (supporting friends going through it) it is a profoundly flawed and misogynistic, and puts dad's "rights" above children's wellbeing and indeed safety.

My advice. Have a good read of #thecourtsaid and do their court confidence course. Get a decent lawyer. And prepare for a rough and shocking ride.

Sorry, I wish it wasn't that way. I studied law and was so proud of our justice system until I experienced the reality of the family courts. Cafcass have far too much power and are deeply flawed.

I know this isn't "helpful" or what you want to hear. I wish the system genuinely put children (especially very young ones) first.

"Clearly you don’t have a lot of experience with emotionally abusive, gaslighting men."

I do. And I really feel for you. And I wish cafcass and the courts could see through them. But my experience is that they know exactly how to play the system.

@Longdistance

I can see why you’re separated. Your dc are probably too young for 50/50 and I assume he’s doing it so he doesn’t have to pay much CM. The courts will see through him.

Most courts don't see through this even though it is blindingly obvious this is the motivation in many instances.

My ex wanted 50/50 even though he often didn't have them on the times he was meant to. Thankfully I had emails from him that he was planning to be away for several months

All I’m saying is, it is your job to facilitate a relationship between your DH and your DD. By continuing to cosleep and breast feed, you’re not giving your DD a chance to do any of these things independently. Therefore preventing a relationship with her father when he moves out. That is not right. As co sleeping and breastfeeding will not progress her developmental issues.
On an aside note, the WHO provide global guidance to mothers about breastfeeding, which take into account 3rd world countries where there is poor sanitation and possible food shortages. The benefits of breastfeeding do deplete much earlier than 2 years. But your DD is over 2, so I can’t see how it can benefit her at all other than to need you 24/7. You want a break, it certainly sounds like you need I’m, take the opportunity.
There is nothing wrong with nursery, it’s a good place for children to go and see other children, also to learn and develop. This can only but help her and also you should have access to the nursery to receive their insights and feedback, not just DH. This could actually help you identify any possible issues.
You’re a dedicated, good mum, I can see that, it’s a very difficult situation you are in.
However no where here have you indicated your DH is a bad father or abusive. PP have assumed he is, but I assume he’s not. You haven’t outlined the reason you have split. But have indicated he thinks you have mental health issues. If this is in any way true, which you’re likely not going to admit here, he is doing what he deems is right by his DD. So, it’s a clash of worlds here. You both want what best.
My opinion, keeping her home full time without other interactions when she has the opportunity to go to nursery, without impact to your finances, can only be a good thing.
Anyways, you asked mumsnet, that’s my 2 cents. It’s ok not to like my feedback. I’m only a stranger on the internet.

cannot believe a speech delayed non standing non walking 2 yr old would really be better off in nursery 8 hours a day and would hope the paed would say so.

They won't.
My ds benefitted hugely from nursery as a non walking g speech delayed child
Indeed a paed might appreciate the need for a parent carer to get a break.

Family courts and judges are often incredibly disappointing in their lack of understanding, compassion and, in my opinion, justice.

I think you need to be really clear about what you would be able to compromise on.

Are you willing to let him have some overnights or none at all just yet?

I agree that going from 100% childcare with you to full days in nursery when there's no need would be upsetting. But can you work towards some time in nursery? I appreciate that this is sooner than you would have wanted but you need to compromise now. I assume you would choose a nursery together?

The breastfeeding and co-sleepinf is a hitnof a red herring I think. She could bf and co-sleep when she's with you. It will be up to her dad to find ways to settle her when she's with him. That's easy for me to say and hard for you to live with I know, but that's the reality of divorce. No-one gets everything they want.

think even with developmental delay your little one's ability to adapt to a new normal might really surprise you though!

Absolutely
And fresh not sleep deprived nursery workers can be great
Involve physio OT and SLT in nursery

Assume competence
Don't underestimate

I'm sorry OP, this all sounds very hard, especially as you're suspicious of his motivations.

I think it would be good to get recommendations for an experienced family law solicitor who understands what might be awarded in similar cases, particularly ones with a child with a developmental delay and such a clearly established primary carer. I also think its noteworthy that he has in the past suggested he doesn't entirely agree with the diagnosis - that's how I'd interpret the fact he thinks its all your 'fault', and that he has said this to professionals. I'd definitely be cautious about that, and want it written into any order than he was committed to following the expert advice/taking her to appointments/etc.

I did fairly extended breastfeeding myself (to 2y4months) and DD co-slept with DH from about 12 months to 2 - it was our compromise so I could night wean, she was definitely getting worse sleep so it meant we could separate out the 'waking because there's milk on tap' and 'waking for a little cuddle/reassurance then going back to sleep.' So I'm not anti-either, and understand your feelings. However, I think it would help you to get realistic legal advise on what is likely to happen so you can both work towards the easiest possible transition with your DD, and hopefully suggest a longer scale transition to your DH that might be agreeable to him and work for you all.

So - I would start with the paediatrician, and get advise on what kind of therapeutic nursery settings might benefit her, how to ease her in, what age/timeframe she'd suggest from a purely therapeutic point of view. I'm afraid as others have said, it may actually be that they think, say, 20 hours a week could be beneficial to her sooner than you think, though I agree 8 hour days may be considered long. If you got this information, would you trust him to contact suitable nurseries and speak to them together?

I think its worth you thinking through your pros and cons and dealbreakers as well: so if your legal advise is he's very likely to be awarded what he asks for, or awarded it within 6 months/a year.... is it worth you spending a large amount of money in court to fight it? At that point, looking at long term security for your girls, you in a better housing position and agreeing up front a slightly longer transition period even if its less than what you want might be the better option than getting an extra six months of status quo and bankrupting yourself in the process.

Breastfeeding and co-sleeping were I think part of having an incredibly confident child who is happy in full-time nursery in our case, so I understand where you're coming from. But ultimately we didn't go for natural term breastfeeding because I wanted another child, wasn't getting pregnant while breastfeeding (despite regular cycles etc etc) and felt it was a factor, and a younger sibling would be more beneficial. So I started a very slow, gentle, encouraging to wean process when she turned two that took about 4 months and resulted in an entirely tear-free end to feeding. She literally never asked again after our last feed, I still can't believe how well it went. However, I both don't think she would have stopped then if it hadn't been encouraged, and don't think it was at all negative for her. You're obviously in a very different situation, but again, if the likelihood is this is what will happen, it might be best for all of you to be in control of the journey. In all honesty I know a lot of people in extended breastfeeding circles, and I do think in some cases the idea the child will naturally self-wean at a point that is beneficial to them can be overstated. I know kids who have, but I also know a couple who needed parental intervention, and were totally fine with stopping but it was never going to be child-led. Its really difficult OP, but I think the most important thing is knowing the most legally likely outcome and not falling into the trap of assuming it will be the 'right' one, just one you'll have to work with.

@CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark 💯💯💯. Totes agree with you. I dont understand why some mothers have such a problem with 50/50. It sounds ideal to me. You get a chance to have a life again and get a job. It would be a good thing for the child to attend nursery. It really helps with speech delay and they help you to access a lot of therapies instead of waiting for the 6 month review with the dr. Does she have access to speech and language therapies yet?. Its not helping just keeping her home with you. Let her go to nursery ASAP

"I dont understand why some mothers have such a problem with 50/50"

Perhaps, in many cases, because we are leaving out ex because we know they have a dark and nasty abusive side? That was certainly the reason for me. It's an awful realisation that you have escaped abuse only to realize you are now unable to keep your children safe because noone believes you (despite police and medical records in my case)

OP if you are in England and your daughter is eventually diagnosed disability then she will likely be entitled to 15 free hours at nursery. This is because nursery is seen as beneficial to children with disabilities/developmental delays. Once she starts doing 15 hours then a few full-days a week won't be a stretch for her as she will know the nursery workers who are responsible for looking after her.

Also extended breast feeding on toddlers who can eat food and co-sleeping are seen as excuses by judges to stop the child bonding with their other parent.

I would suggest that you come up with some compromise with your DH. In your compromise come up with a timetable where your children are with him 50/50 within 18 months.

Otherwise if you go to Court the judge can easily impose a much quicker and much stricter timetable on you.

"Also extended breast feeding on toddlers who can eat food and co-sleeping are erroneously seen as excuses by judges to stop the child bonding with their other parent."

Emphasis on erroneously.

@KeyboardWorriers

"Also extended breast feeding on toddlers who can eat food and co-sleeping are erroneously seen as excuses by judges to stop the child bonding with their other parent."

Emphasis on erroneously.

Your word not mine.

I'm actually concerned also about the OP, herself, and her older child.

If she refuses to allow both children to stay with their father she won't get any respite and she will burn out. There have been recent devastating news stories of that happening.

In addition children who have a sibling with a disability often get some of their needs ignored by their parents and also end up becoming carers themselves.

Toddlers don't remain toddlers for ever and children with developmental delay, have a delay to their development not a stop.