Help me accept this?

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

I posted on here about 6 weeks ago as DH dropped the bombshell he doesn't love/desire me anymore. We had a couple of counselling sessions but it's become clear that for him our relationship is over.
Many of the things he says make a lot of sense as things have been challenging for our family for a long time but I always thought we could and would work things out given time. I still love him and am in love with him after 20 years. But it's clear that isn't the case for him, he's feeling no tenderness or romance/desire towards me and he sees separating from me as the key to his happiness and the change he needs to make in his life. I think this is a mistake and that I'm the biggest support in his life. I also think the other challenges he has: work anxiety/financial insecurity, a difficult relationship with his family, long term depression and the challenges of parenting (our younger DC has special needs), will not suddenly vanish when he's no longer with me.

But he's told me it's over a number of times. He's now saying he needs to move out and he won't come on our family holiday next week.
I know it's his choice and I just have to accept it and start protecting my own feelings and self-respect but I'm struggling right now with the immense feelings of loss and shock. I don't want this. I never imagined a future without us. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want our children to have to experience this. I don't want to have to sell the family home I've poured everything into (I've been the main earner and worked crazy hours for years partly so he could pursue his artistic interests). And I don't ever want him to be with anyone else - I think it would utterly crush me.

What can I do to deal with this? How can I recover and imagine a life without him?

I'm currently on extended leave from work (since the bombshell) and I'm seriously thinking of resigning from my job as I just can't imagine continuing as I always have but without him and our family and I can't really imagine being able to continue as normal in the future without my family base.
Any words of wisdom/encouragement very welcome.

Firstly, I am so, so sorry. This sounds devastating. But you sound sensible and intelligent...even in the depths of your despair...so that's a very good sign,

Things WILL improve. Not tomorrow or even next month but eventually, the pain will lessen. One change at a time is all you can do...one thing at a time.

Secondly, please don't resign. If you do, you'll not be able to afford to run your home....is it mortgaged? Who has most care of your child in general? DO NOT let him get more care of your child because then he might fight you for the house....and the right to be the main carer in your home whilst you move out.

Ask him to move out now. Tell your management what you're going through....when does your leave end? Finally, have you seen a solicitor?

@FortunesFave thank you for replying. Yes it is devastating. I can't imagine life without my family.
I've told my manager. I've been off work for a month as I knew I wouldn't be able to continue to do it whilst going through this, but the separation is moving slowly. I'm due back end of September but can't imagine being in any fit state to continue as normal by then. Don't even know if DH will have moved out by then.
The house isn't mortgaged and I could afford a break from working for a while.
Throughout our marriage we've shared the care of the DCs. It could probably be said he's been the main carer at times during periods he's been unemployed but I've also had periods of maternity leave and a career break a few years ago so all in all it's been shared. But at the moment he's working and I'm not and I'm definitely the main carer.
I feel so unloved and sad at the loss of the future I'd imagined. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. As we're still living together and it's summer holidays with the kids and he hasn't moved out yet it doesn't feel real but then there are moments when he reminds me or is very cold and I just feel crushed again. I know I need to find a way to start accepting this now as I need to find the strength to hold things together in front of the children but I don't want this separation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Him still being around is clearly making things worse. Ask him to move out immediately, he wants out, so he needs to do it now and stop prolonging the agony.

Whilst I understand you don't want this, it sounds as if he has made up his mind and you can't change that.

Don't give up work even if you can afford to. Get back there ASAP so you can keep busy and start moving forward. You WILL be fine, in the end. Just keep going. Good luck

He needs to move out NOW. He chose to make his bed, so he needs to sleep in it NOW. Him still being around is stopping you from moving forward.

Second, and this is very important: do not resign your job. In fact, go back sooner rather than later. The thought of working may seem overwhelming, but this could actually help you refocus and move forward.

The loss of the future you had envisaged is tough. But you will have a different, worthwhile future. Can you have a few counselling sessions to help you get to terms with your new reality?

Honestly? A big part is accepting now that you just won't feel your self or feel 'normal' for at least the next 5 years.
The answer will be to find a good (good match for you) therapist. These sessions should focus on rebuilding who you are and your confidence as an independent person.
If you can't/won't do therapy, try to get your self esteem in order, begin to love and know yourself again, and take care of yourself physically and otherwise - do things that you enjoy doing. The rest of it will come in time once you get yourself in order, but you have to realise your personal happiness and sense of self worth is yours to control, regardless of whatever happened in your previous relationship.

One day at the time with the confidence that it really will get easier. Do hold on to this, it WILL get easier. Don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do. Accept these feelings because they are totally normal, but they don't own you and you will gradually separate yourself from them. It might take time, or it might happen quicker than you think, but either way, you will NOT still feel so hurt, hopeless, disappointed and scared in a few weeks time, let alone months. It will get better.

This was me 4 years ago. I had asked my husband to leave because of his appalling behaviour (alcohol related). I then regretted my decision and begged him to come back which he did after 8 months. Now, 4 years later he hasn't 'forgiven' me and is leaving of his own accord. The house will be sold and I have to start again at 61 after 30 years. I shan't be doing any begging this time and berate myself for my weakness 4 years ago. Seemed he never really loved me.....his words! Please don't resign. Your job is your route back to self respect and pride and something to focus on where you have some mastery. Your husband may change his mind but think very carefully before you take him back with open arms.
This time round I am so very sad that my life is once again unravelling and I don't know how I will cope but I have to find a way. You will too. Think only of you and your children now. He will look after himself and you are not each others' business now. Please pm me if you want a chat. We can support each other. Xxx

Can you get some counselling? I found Relate very helpful for solo counselling (different circumstances) - sort of guided offloading, completely focussed on me, helped me get things straight in my mind.

I agree with others. He needs to go now! What's he waiting for? The house in all probability.

Have you seen anyone for legal advice yet?

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm having counselling via the work employee assistance programme. This week have 4 of 6 sessions.

I think he does need to move out for my sanity. We're still sleeping in the same bed. It feels so lonely.
But he'll be worried about money and I also wonder whether he's hesitating because of the house.
I'm also dreading the prospect of telling our children. 6 year old has ASD and highly sensitive- will be devastated. This really
Isn't what I wanted for them.
I spoke to a Family lawyer on one of these initial free consultations. Their initial take wasn't reassuring (in terms of the finances and getting him to leave if needed).
It's all really bleak.

@Suburbanqueen I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds as though things have been so difficult for you also.

@zgirldreamsoftulum, how are you doing now? I really feel for you, I am in a similar situation with my husband wanting to separate after 21 years together. To his credit, he moved out very quickly, which has made things easier -- I found that after he dropped his bombshell (absolutely the right term! I had no idea) I could no longer sleep next to him, and now that he is gone we can talk much more calmly with each other. I agree with other posters that going back sooner rather than later might be best, but maybe you can work reduced hours to help you cope and look after yourself and the children. It feels so disorienting and sad to have to imagine a different future from the one you thought you were going to have with him, but work may give you a bit of stability. Hang in there, it will get easier, if only slowly!

@zgirldreamsoftulum

I posted on here about 6 weeks ago as DH dropped the bombshell he doesn't love/desire me anymore. We had a couple of counselling sessions but it's become clear that for him our relationship is over. Many of the things he says make a lot of sense as things have been challenging for our family for a long time but I always thought we could and would work things out given time. I still love him and am in love with him after 20 years. But it's clear that isn't the case for him, he's feeling no tenderness or romance/desire towards me and he sees separating from me as the key to his happiness and the change he needs to make in his life. I think this is a mistake and that I'm the biggest support in his life. I also think the other challenges he has: work anxiety/financial insecurity, a difficult relationship with his family, long term depression and the challenges of parenting (our younger DC has special needs), will not suddenly vanish when he's no longer with me. But he's told me it's over a number of times. He's now saying he needs to move out and he won't come on our family holiday next week. I know it's his choice and I just have to accept it and start protecting my own feelings and self-respect but I'm struggling right now with the immense feelings of loss and shock. I don't want this. I never imagined a future without us. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want our children to have to experience this. I don't want to have to sell the family home I've poured everything into (I've been the main earner and worked crazy hours for years partly so he could pursue his artistic interests). And I don't ever want him to be with anyone else - I think it would utterly crush me. What can I do to deal with this? How can I recover and imagine a life without him? I'm currently on extended leave from work (since the bombshell) and I'm seriously thinking of resigning from my job as I just can't imagine continuing as I always have but without him and our family and I can't really imagine being able to continue as normal in the future without my family base. Any words of wisdom/encouragement very welcome.

Hello. I am sorry you are going through this. I am in exactly the same boat. Wife and I have been together 25 years, married for 14 years (same sex relationship). We have a 6 year old dd who is adopted. Wife wants to separate but won't leave the house. She's asking me to leave. I don't want this seperation as I still love her. I can't imagine a life without her at all. She sleeps on the sofa. I feel so lonely. We had another arguement (over nothing), as she said shes going to instruct her solicitor to get me out. She creates arguements over something trivial I think it's an excuse to make me leave. I worry about whether I can afford to live on my own as I only work part time. Most of all I don't want this seperation and I want to work through to save our marriage but she won't.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. My husband dropped the I don’t love you bombshell a year and a half ago.

You are going experience waves of different emotions from sadness, disbelief, anger, and just feeling numb and this will continue for some time.

You will dissect every conversation you have had with your partner, you will try abs work out their motivations, question their mental health.

My advice is to seek counselling if it all gets overwhelming, and just try to take each day as it comes and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions present themselves.

It is also helpful to remember that sadly, the person who loved is gone. This person is brand new and unrecognisable. Don’t for one second be under any illusions that you can trust what they say or do, be cautious with your words and mindful of their actions.

Concentrate on you, find you again, take small steps to shape your future life by thinking about what will bring you and your children happinesses and I promise one day you will feel this urge to just move on and up with your life.

@ConfusedInBaltimore thanks for asking. I'm sorry this has happened to you too. Do you have children and if so, how have they coped?
I'm not good to be honest. He's still here and doesn't appear to have done anything about moving out. We're still sleeping in the same bed. It's consuming me. Last week he asked me for money to help him make the move (I posted about it on a different thread). We're not talking much about the separation as every time we do it makes me cry a lot. We're getting on okay around the children so I keep thinking/hoping maybe everything's going to be okay but then he reminds me it's over for him and I feel crushed again. In a way it would be easier for me if he would move out but I'm not going to push him to do that as I don't want it, either for myself or our children. I still love him but he talks about his lack of attraction to me with such certainty and so coldly I feel heartbroken.

@Googleboxfan I'm so sorry you're in this position too. I'm no expert but I think if I were you I wouldn't move out if I was unsure I could afford it and if she's pushing for the separation. I know how you feel about wanting to work through it. I still want to working things out with my DH and I feel powerless as he seems so closed to the possibility.

Thanks @Maze76 I can't really imagine it right now but I'm glad you're feeling as though things have got better.

I'm also beginning to think there maybe someone else

I still want to working things out with my DH and I feel powerless as he seems so closed to the possibility

@zgirldreamsoftulum - you are stuck in a cycle of overwhelming pain and disbelief, but you are currently not helping yourself. You need to be firm: he has to move out now! Stop sleeping in the same bed immediately. Start the divorce process. Take your power back!!

Go back to work and start living your new normal.
Best not to make any major chacon next 12 months if avoidable.
Break down of a relationship is huge on the stress scale, you don’t want to add to that if possible.
Why do you think there is someone else?

@Weenurse I've seen tonight that last week he paid for a hotel near work whilst I was still away with the children. No need for him to have stayed in a hotel as home is less than 40 minutes from work location. Also seen a google search he conducted over a week ago for hotels for the date last week which is based on rooms for two people so 1) it wasn't a last minute/working late stopover, 2) he planned to stay with someone else and 3) even though it was planned it wasn't mentioned to me.
He's been glued to his phone for around 9 months now- we used to be very open with one another but in the last year/9 months he's become quite secretive and guarded.

I feel like I've peaked now. I'm so alone and so sad. But I've no trust left and I'm ready to burn things down.

Couldn’t read and run at this time of day. You need to get him to move out @zgirldreamsoftulum. He’s fucking with your head. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

Oh op. You really need to get him out of the house.
The current situation is very damaging to you.
You deserve so much better

Don’t let him know your suspicions.
Write your to do list and work through it.
One foot in front of the other.
Keep records of things like the hotel room. It may be useful in setting the record straight down the track when he is claiming to have met new woman soon after your breakup.
He has obviously moved on, so all you can do is hold your head up and get on with things while he is around.
Sob in the bath in Private if you need to.
Reach out to friends and family for support.
💐