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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me accept this?

105 replies

zgirldreamsoftulum · 18/08/2021 00:15

I posted on here about 6 weeks ago as DH dropped the bombshell he doesn't love/desire me anymore. We had a couple of counselling sessions but it's become clear that for him our relationship is over.
Many of the things he says make a lot of sense as things have been challenging for our family for a long time but I always thought we could and would work things out given time. I still love him and am in love with him after 20 years. But it's clear that isn't the case for him, he's feeling no tenderness or romance/desire towards me and he sees separating from me as the key to his happiness and the change he needs to make in his life. I think this is a mistake and that I'm the biggest support in his life. I also think the other challenges he has: work anxiety/financial insecurity, a difficult relationship with his family, long term depression and the challenges of parenting (our younger DC has special needs), will not suddenly vanish when he's no longer with me.

But he's told me it's over a number of times. He's now saying he needs to move out and he won't come on our family holiday next week.
I know it's his choice and I just have to accept it and start protecting my own feelings and self-respect but I'm struggling right now with the immense feelings of loss and shock. I don't want this. I never imagined a future without us. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want our children to have to experience this. I don't want to have to sell the family home I've poured everything into (I've been the main earner and worked crazy hours for years partly so he could pursue his artistic interests). And I don't ever want him to be with anyone else - I think it would utterly crush me.

What can I do to deal with this? How can I recover and imagine a life without him?

I'm currently on extended leave from work (since the bombshell) and I'm seriously thinking of resigning from my job as I just can't imagine continuing as I always have but without him and our family and I can't really imagine being able to continue as normal in the future without my family base.
Any words of wisdom/encouragement very welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 29/08/2021 04:13

Thanks for replying. I'm sitting at my kitchen table drinking spirits and crying. Trying very hard to divert my thoughts from doing anything stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 29/08/2021 04:14

There isn't really anyone IRL I can tell. Have spoken to a lawyer and have weekly counselling session. Told my mum last week but that feels very complicated.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/08/2021 04:14

Stop drinking and put yourself to bed.
He is not worth it.

Weenurse · 29/08/2021 04:16

If you feel really down there are people a phone call away on help lines such as the Samaritans

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 29/08/2021 04:16

Thanks @Weenurse @IheartJKR and @TrampolineForMrKite for taking the time to reply to me in the middle of the night. I really needed it

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IheartJKR · 29/08/2021 04:24

I second weenurse op. I know drinking feels like it helps atm but it won’t help you to manage this situation.
You didn’t want this and you don’t want to deal with it but you do need to accept it now.
It’s time to stop hoping it will get better or he’ll change his mind.
Put down the bottle and try to get some sleep.
Give yourself a couple of days, be kind to yourself.
Then focus. Get your shit together. Start making plans with him to leave. Take back some control.
Lots of hugs for you xxx

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 29/08/2021 04:33

Thanks. Going to head to bed in the spare room and leave a note for them not to disturb me. It's one of our DCs birthdays on Monday. Don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days as right now I feel so sad and angry with DH. I hate this.

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 29/08/2021 05:17

OP, at least you know why his feelings have changed. He has probably been having an affair for some time. Get your documents, copies of bank statements , get your own account and move half of any money into your own account and tell him you want him moving out ASAP. I was in the same position a year ago. I found out by accident, I had to be signed off work for 8 weeks. Take whatever time you need as you have had a shock.My ex did some very underhand things such as closing accounts without my permission so be on the ball on that one.

Be prepared to have a flurry of different feelings - that's normal. Have a look at the chumplady website.Just let them wash over you. Remember to eat a little, drink enough fluid ( Alcobol won't help its a depressant) and get some sleep when you can. He's not the person you thought he was.For now just concentrate on getting you and your children through one day at a time.

Blueberry40 · 29/08/2021 05:35

Let yourself be angry with him and whenever you feel overwhelmed by the sadness, remind yourself that he is just not the person you had believed he was so everything you feel like you are losing no longer exists.

He has betrayed you and your DC’s and from what you say he hasn’t even had the courage to tell you this outright, just using this stupid line about suddenly no longer finding you attractive. It’s weak and it’s cruel, you deserve SO much better. Find your anger and let it get you through the next few months. Tell him he needs to move out and if he can’t do that the very least he can do is sleep on the sofa until he finds another place. I know this isn’t what you want but it is more damaging for you to be around him if this is the decision he has made.

Take care of yourself and try and put your own needs first, it sounds like you have always been his cheerleader- now it’s time to be your own. Find your strength OP, it’s there in you and you can and will manage (even thrive) without him. Flowers

NoNoThankYou · 29/08/2021 07:00

Ah, this is Mr Give Me £15k To Let Me Move Out Despite The Fact I've Not Even Started Looking?

Well it sounds like PPs on that thread may well have been bang on the money about his actually needing it to impress a side piece.

Don't give it to him. Let him find somewhere to rent and then you can discuss how much he needs to get the deed done.

Big handhold OP. It sounds like you've been facilitating all your lives and you'll be absolutely fine going forward once the shock subsides. Flowers

Gensola · 29/08/2021 07:12

I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to read and run. Don’t give him money! I’d ask him to leave the house immediately.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 07:12

God op get angry. He’s cheating on you, leaving you for someone else and asking you to pay to help him do it.

Don’t quit your job, you will need normality and the distraction. Sitting at home all day will make it worse.

If you need to give him money to go do it. But it comes out of the divorce allocations. Please don’t do the pick me dance any more. It’s just going to hurt you more. It’s not going to work. He’s already gone and has a new primary relationship. You need to get back to work and get him out.

beccahamlet · 29/08/2021 07:28

It's such a horrid situation OP and I really feel for you. It's like a bereavement and it will take you just as long to get over it.
For the moment just take one day at a time and look after yourself. Remember you can t do anything about his behaviour , just your own. So sorry. Take care. One day you'll be happy again.

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 29/08/2021 10:06

@Bluntness100 I am really angry. I don't know how long this has been going on but if it's the person I think then it likely
pre-dates the bombshell and the suggestion a fortnight ago that he move out. I've spent the last two months since I stopped working making suggestions around how we might work things out. He's just become more and more distant and at times angry at me, saying he's been 'trying' to break up with me. If he's been dishonest it makes the last two months of heartache and patience with him so futile and I just feel disgusted with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 29/08/2021 10:07

@NoNoThankYou yes the very same one.

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Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 29/08/2021 10:08

If it's the person I suspect it's pretty tragic as she has young DCs also

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ConfusedInBaltimore · 29/08/2021 15:02

The facts do seem to point to cheating, which must hurt so much. Sleeping in the spare room is a good move, and I do feel that him moving out as soon as possible will be best for you as it's soul destroying to tiptoe around it each other. He is the one who wants to end it so he really needs to move out, can't he stay with a friend or relative for a bit? It really isn't fair on you that he is still living in the same house.

My own situation is complicated too. We have three children aged between 11 and 17, all with some kind of special needs (ASD, ADHD, dyslexia). This summer has been tough for us all, but the children have been amazing in many ways, they love both me and DH and are trying their best to make the new situation work. I have been able to talk to friends and family as well. Is there really nobody you can talk to IRL? You may be surprised at how understanding and helpful people will be once you confide in them, even if they are not that close to you.

Googleboxfan · 30/08/2021 18:54

@zgirldreamsoftulum

Thanks. Going to head to bed in the spare room and leave a note for them not to disturb me. It's one of our DCs birthdays on Monday. Don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days as right now I feel so sad and angry with DH. I hate this.
Hello @zgirldreamssoftulum - how are you doing? I am also feeling very sad too as nothing is changing for the better in our relationship. I've been away with friends with my daughter for 2 nights. When I was away I really missed her despite our arguements. Come back and she is just ignoring me and only speaks if it's to ask me something. I am feeling sad. I am so soft I don't feel angry towards her but I should for what she's done. I just forgive too easily and I know it's making things harder for me.
Googleboxfan · 30/08/2021 19:08

@zgirldreamsoftulum

Thanks. Going to head to bed in the spare room and leave a note for them not to disturb me. It's one of our DCs birthdays on Monday. Don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days as right now I feel so sad and angry with DH. I hate this.
Hello. How are you doing?
Googleboxfan · 30/08/2021 21:43

@zgirldreamsoftulum

Thanks. Going to head to bed in the spare room and leave a note for them not to disturb me. It's one of our DCs birthdays on Monday. Don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days as right now I feel so sad and angry with DH. I hate this.
How are you today?
Googleboxfan · 30/08/2021 21:46

[quote zgirldreamsoftulum]@Bluntness100 I am really angry. I don't know how long this has been going on but if it's the person I think then it likely
pre-dates the bombshell and the suggestion a fortnight ago that he move out. I've spent the last two months since I stopped working making suggestions around how we might work things out. He's just become more and more distant and at times angry at me, saying he's been 'trying' to break up with me. If he's been dishonest it makes the last two months of heartache and patience with him so futile and I just feel disgusted with him. [/quote]
How are you today? Zgirl?

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 30/08/2021 23:23

Hi @Googleboxfan I hope you're okay. That sounds really rough about being ignored.
I think we're quite similar, in terms of being soft in the face of hostile treatment from our partners. I'd usually have pretty strong boundaries if DH were rude to me but because this is such a crisis and I'm really feeling on the brink as it feels like an ending I'm much softer and feeling everything so much more acutely.

I had a terrible day yesterday. I woke up still feeling devastated and cried loads. For the first time since the bombshell I was really angry with DH. Shouted at him and told him how furious and disappointed I am with him. I was hurtful to be honest and It was pretty awful.

Then an old friend who I see rarely called out of the blue and I ended up telling her everything including how low I've been feeling and she was totally brilliant. She called another old friend to check on me and messaged DH to say she was worried about me then hired a car to drive over to see me- she lives about an hour's drive away. I'd felt so low and in the space of a day felt really loved and supported which was wonderful.
Last night DH and I talked a lot and it was really good. He still wants to separate but I understand it better now and feel a bit better bale to cope with it. I know the next few months will be turbulent and I'm bracing myself but I feel better somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 30/08/2021 23:24

Able not bake

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Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 30/08/2021 23:24

Hugs to you @Googleboxfan

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Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 01/09/2021 16:23

@Googleboxfan and @ConfusedInBaltimore
How are you both?

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