Help me accept this?

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

I posted on here about 6 weeks ago as DH dropped the bombshell he doesn't love/desire me anymore. We had a couple of counselling sessions but it's become clear that for him our relationship is over.
Many of the things he says make a lot of sense as things have been challenging for our family for a long time but I always thought we could and would work things out given time. I still love him and am in love with him after 20 years. But it's clear that isn't the case for him, he's feeling no tenderness or romance/desire towards me and he sees separating from me as the key to his happiness and the change he needs to make in his life. I think this is a mistake and that I'm the biggest support in his life. I also think the other challenges he has: work anxiety/financial insecurity, a difficult relationship with his family, long term depression and the challenges of parenting (our younger DC has special needs), will not suddenly vanish when he's no longer with me.

But he's told me it's over a number of times. He's now saying he needs to move out and he won't come on our family holiday next week.
I know it's his choice and I just have to accept it and start protecting my own feelings and self-respect but I'm struggling right now with the immense feelings of loss and shock. I don't want this. I never imagined a future without us. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want our children to have to experience this. I don't want to have to sell the family home I've poured everything into (I've been the main earner and worked crazy hours for years partly so he could pursue his artistic interests). And I don't ever want him to be with anyone else - I think it would utterly crush me.

What can I do to deal with this? How can I recover and imagine a life without him?

I'm currently on extended leave from work (since the bombshell) and I'm seriously thinking of resigning from my job as I just can't imagine continuing as I always have but without him and our family and I can't really imagine being able to continue as normal in the future without my family base.
Any words of wisdom/encouragement very welcome.

Thanks @TheReluctantPhoenix. I'm taking steps to consider what will come next. But I need him out of the house in order to think straight.

I also realise he's treating OW as a confidante and reporting to her on developments with me (about the house/telling the kids etc) and lying about where he is and the contact he has with her. So I feel even more mistrustful and can see it wasn't just a one-night thing but a much more involved relationship. It's hard as that element makes it feel like I can't really have open conversations with him about where this leaves us as co-parents as it's as though his communication with me is choreographed rather than real and open.

When I posted early on about how distressed I was a couple of people told me he isn't my friend and I need to be mindful of my words and his actions and I don't really know what they meant but that's becoming apparent know. It's hard feeling as though someone who was my partner and best friend for 20 years is trying to out-manoeuvre me.

Meant to say didn't not don't. It's becoming clearer now what PPs meant.

@zgirldreamsoftulum I am so sorry to and about how your DH has been treating you, it's really not fair on you and it must feel unbearable to you. I think he is using you, as he is still staying in the family home, making it easier for himself, but making it doubly hard for you. Have you told him directly that you want him to move out? Is there some way to put pressure on him to do so? And have you told the children yet? The longer it goes on like this the more draining it will be and you will need your strength. My situation is a little different as my DH has already moved out but he is in a temporary place and similar to your DH he is extra fussy about where he wants to live more permanently, i have tried to help him find a place despite my health issues and yesterday I snapped because I had looked at a flat for him (he had a meeting) and then when I told him about it he said he does not like the area -- even though he had agreed for me to go and see it! I do not have the energy for this messing around, he'll have to do it by himself now.

My nephew is now starting a chemo, thank you for your kind words, we are hoping and praying that it will work. It's too awful to even think about the alternative.

Did you make any progress?

@ConfusedInBaltimore and @TheReluctantPhoenix thanks both of you for following up with me. @ConfusedInBaltimore your DH and mine sound quite similar. He hasn't yet found a place though he is looking and I've stopped making appointments. He's also been staying elsewhere ( a mid of SIL's and friends' I suspect sometimes with OW) which makes life slightly easier for me though he's coming on Saturday to see the kids and I'm going out in the evening.
We told the children last weekend. It was hard. Older one was very sad and distressed and younger one didn't seem to get it but behaviour since has been quite tricksy. I feel quite relieved to have told the children as I've now been able to tell school and think about practical support for them as well as letting other people in our circle know. I'd underestimated how exhausting it was not being able to be open about the difficulties we've been facing for so long. I just need him too find a place now as I'm itching to get rid of his stuff and start making small changes to the house as PPs have suggested.

@zgirldreamsoftulum it's good to hear that you can be more open now and that that is helping you to cope! Telling the children must have been hard but it will be better for all of you in the long run. I hope your DH will find a more permanent place to stay soon, as that is another important step. My DH has found a place this weekend and it hit me hard as it is making the separation more real and more permanent, but I also know that it is necessary. I am sad and hurting but it will get better

@NotAClueAnymore I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can read how sad you are, it feels so hard doesn't it?
Have you found/are you finding the counselling helpful? I placed a lot of hope in it but my husband would never really commit to it and after a couple
of counselling sessions told me it was over and there was no point. Looking back I can see that was because he was much more advanced in his decision and thinking about leaving than he admitted at the time and so it would ultimately have been futile. I posted on an earlier thread when my DH first told me he didn't love me anymore. Lots of posters then urged me not to go through couples counselling and instead get my own therapist. I feel sad we never really got to try, but I have wondered whether it would have been harder if I'd had to sit through lots of sessions with him and a counsellor.
I really hope you're okay. I know how hard it is to imagine happy times beyond this process. I've found posting here really helpful. It's made me feel less alone in some of the worst moments.

@ConfusedInBaltimore , hope you're okay. His finding a place must make it feel more final. Do you think you might feel some relief when he can move some of his stuff out of your home?
My DH has offered on a couple of flats now and so I think will move out pretty soon. Someone suggested I should think of small changes I'd like to make in my home when he's gone so I've been keeping a secret list in my journal.

@NotAClueAnymore keep posting here if it helps. I've felt able to share things here that I just couldn't talk about IRL.

I hope the couples counselling goes better for you and your DH than it did for us and that it helps whatever the outcome for you both.
I've been doing solo counselling too though I had the last session today (paid for by work). It's been helpful but just as helpful has been starting to exercise regularly for the first time since I had kids. Sometimes the feelings I have are so strong it knocks the breath out of me and just moving my body helps me feel a bit more grounded. Also seems to be helping me to sleep a bit better as I've had disrupted sleep for months. I've just been prescribed sleeping tablets but am scared of taking them as I have to get up very early on my own with the children so I'm going to try to avoid it.

And thanks for reading my posts. I know it's a sorry tale. It feels like such a cliche the way it's all played out.

I have been reading through your posts as have found myself in a similar position very recently. Me and my partner who share a 2 year old daughter has recently dropped the bombshell he is no longer in love with me. Naively I didn't see it coming. We have agreed to live together for a little while for dd childcare reasons and financially until the house is sold or other permeant living arrangements are made however after reading your posts I don't know if it's a good idea anymore. You sound as if your doing a lot better which gives me hope.

@NotAClueAnymore I feel like men have a way of always turning it back onto us to deflect there own feelings. I have had similar it's me that's not put the effort in, i've been to busy putting child ahead of him. Yet here we both are still the ones wanting to make it work. Here if you need to talk 😊

@NotAClueAnymore I've just seen this. I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Like you, I'd always thought DH and I would work things out and was heartbroken when he decided the answer to the problems was separation. Someone posted that it's a gut-wrenching experience and it truly is. I also feel as though DH has deliberately fostered critical thoughts and feelings towards me to help him come to terms with his decision that he wants to separate. It feels so horribly unfair.

@kirst14 that sounds tough to be living with your ex. Hope you're okay

@NotAClueAnymore it's all very fresh for me the news only came a few days ago but my ex has said similar things that he will help and he plans on moving out in the near future but no date given. We was only just scrapping by as a joint income so I don't know how we will cope separated. Hopefully your teacher training will come as a welcome distraction for you 🤞🏼

I find weekends are the worst

@NotAClueAnymore just seen this, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Has to be messing with your head. Absolutely, fucking bastard! Is there someone who can give you a hug IRL? Thinking of you