Help me accept this?

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

I posted on here about 6 weeks ago as DH dropped the bombshell he doesn't love/desire me anymore. We had a couple of counselling sessions but it's become clear that for him our relationship is over.
Many of the things he says make a lot of sense as things have been challenging for our family for a long time but I always thought we could and would work things out given time. I still love him and am in love with him after 20 years. But it's clear that isn't the case for him, he's feeling no tenderness or romance/desire towards me and he sees separating from me as the key to his happiness and the change he needs to make in his life. I think this is a mistake and that I'm the biggest support in his life. I also think the other challenges he has: work anxiety/financial insecurity, a difficult relationship with his family, long term depression and the challenges of parenting (our younger DC has special needs), will not suddenly vanish when he's no longer with me.

But he's told me it's over a number of times. He's now saying he needs to move out and he won't come on our family holiday next week.
I know it's his choice and I just have to accept it and start protecting my own feelings and self-respect but I'm struggling right now with the immense feelings of loss and shock. I don't want this. I never imagined a future without us. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want our children to have to experience this. I don't want to have to sell the family home I've poured everything into (I've been the main earner and worked crazy hours for years partly so he could pursue his artistic interests). And I don't ever want him to be with anyone else - I think it would utterly crush me.

What can I do to deal with this? How can I recover and imagine a life without him?

I'm currently on extended leave from work (since the bombshell) and I'm seriously thinking of resigning from my job as I just can't imagine continuing as I always have but without him and our family and I can't really imagine being able to continue as normal in the future without my family base.
Any words of wisdom/encouragement very welcome.

Good to hear that your friend was so supportive, @zgirldreamsoftulum! It makes a world of difference to be able to talk to someone, especially someone who cares so much. I think it's also good to let out some of the anger and hurt, so I don't think you need to feel bad about having been hurtful to your DH, after all he is hurting you. And sometimes the storm has to clear so that you can talk calmly afterwards.

I am currently reeling from having received some very bad news about my little nephew who is very sick. It feels like another domino falling, and I worry about my sister. DH has actually been really supportive and is coming over tonight to cook for the children so that I can take a break. But still life seems just too much to bear at the moment, and I am shutting myself off just so that I don't have to feel...

Oh @ConfusedInBaltimore I'm so so sorry. Sending 💐 to you and your sister. Glad your DH is being supportive at least. I wish you all the best.

If anyone's awake would love a handhold. DH just admitted infidelity last week and I'm so angry. I asked him to leave immediately. I'm so worried about him and wish I knew where he is and trying really hard to resist calling him.

I’ve been following your thread and am hear if you want to post.

Thanks @youaremysunshine2623

I’m sorry you are having a tough night. Is there anyone you can call to be with you - even though it’s late.

He basically just confirmed all my suspicions. I asked him numerous times if he'd been with someone else. He didn't just barefaced lie to me. He also told me he was worried about me and my anger and suspicion. Kept looking me in the eye and saying there's no one else.
Then I showed what I'd found and after sitting silently for about 10 minutes he admitted it. He just looked tired and fed up. As if he couldn't believe he's been found out.

There isn't anyone I can call right now. I really want to call DH to see if he's okay. Im really conflicted between feeling utterly furious with him and also feeling worried about him.

As hard as this feels right now in the longer term it might help you make sense of his terrible treatment of you and help you get angry. It might speed him up leaving too. I know that won’t feel good right now but it may help.

What a bastard. His loss though, it sounds like you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting anyway.
Can you book in to see a solicitor ASAP? It would be good to channel your anger into ensuring the best possible financial settlement for you and the kids.

I don’t know what’s best to do re ringing him. Head says don’t though. Did he do anything specific that made you worried?

Thanks both for your messages. I know he's feeling really rotten. He's been depressed. Just messaged him. God this is awful. I'm so so angry and hurt.

I'm so sorry Op.This is all going to take time to process but you can and will get through this. Focus on yourself and DC, not his well-being. He's an adult who's lied to you and caused added suffering by not being honest about his infidelity. He's made his choices and if he suffers for them then you have to let go of worrying about him. At least now you know the truth. Use anger to empower you.

@tenredthings I know I'm not responsible for him. But despite his terrible conduct I do love him and conscious he's the father of my DCs and a loving father. I really want to protect them from this. I'm already panicking a bit about him not being here when they wake up.
I'm so angry. Can't believe he couldn't at least wait until he'd moved out. He continued lying even after I called it out. Refusing to tell me who it was even though it's obvious. He's just burning every last strand of trust between us.

I really wanted to be wrong about this.

Stop messaging him.
He is out the house now . You need time without him there .
There is no going back from this .
Start to get things together.
Your priority is yourself and children now .

Thanks @neonjumper . My update is he's coming over tomorrow as he wants to see the children. He hasn't contacted me since he's left and I have no idea where he's been (though I know he's been working with OW). The children think he's been working away. I've no idea what he plans to say to them and think we need to speak before he sees them so that we can agree next steps and how to tell them but he's not responded to that suggestion. I don't feel able to see him, it's still really raw. But I also don't feel able to tell the children we're separating. Older DC just started secondary schools two days ago. Younger DC has ASD and struggles massively with change. I would really want them to settle back into the new routine before disrupting their lives with this news.

How are you doing, @zgirldreamsoftulum ? I hope you were able to talk to your husband before he talked to the children. It will be hard for them, especially your youngest. My middle DD also has ASD and she is struggling more than my other two, mostly because there is no new routine yet. Tomorrow the last of my three will go back to school, and i am hoping that the school rhythm will help them to adjust to the new situation. I hope the same is true for your children! Did you decide whether to go back to work? If so, what has been your decision?

Thanks @ConfusedInBaltimore for thinking of me. I'm so grateful for all the posts with advice and messages of support I've had on MN.

I'm finding things really hard, bit of a roller coaster. He just turned up on Saturday and ended up staying all weekend (in separate rooms). It's all very confusing, we argued again about his request for £ but he didn't apologise to me for the deceit. The longer it takes for him to show any remorse the angrier I'm getting. But when the kids are around we're being kind to one another and though very sad it's sweet and weirdly when I feel calmest (and makes me long for us to work it out)

We've agreed to tell the children next weekend to give them a full week to settle at school (older DC started secondary last week) but to be honest I think they've gathered something's up from the frequent absences and the fact we're sleeping in separate rooms. He's still got to find somewhere to live as he's currently staying on a sofa.

I'm really angry with him but have limited opportunity to express it as I don't want the children to see us fight.

I'm sorry your DD is finding it hard to adjust. Has she started back at school and have you told her teachers?

How is your nephew doing?

You asked about work... I'm due back in a few weeks and honestly cannot imagine being anywhere near ready to do it. I just want to cocoon with my kids. My life as it has been is ending and I need to work out what it's going to look like in the future. I don't want it to just be the same but without my family unit and soldiering on with the same stressful job but now with greater challenges as a single parent.

@zgirldreamsoftulum thank you so much for remembering my nephew. We are hoping that the next chemotherapy will work but the chances are not great. I will go to see my sister as soon as I can, Covid has made this really tricky. Paradoxically, this has put my own situation in perspective and I find myself dealing much better with the daily challenges and the pain of separation but it will probably catch up with me eventually.

I understand your worries about your job, and it does sound like it wold be stressful. On the other hand it may provide a welcome distraction and a domain where you feel in control. I hope you can work out a solution that allows you to work and you also feel that you be there for the children.

Hang in there, you will get through this!

The longer you are not working the harder it will be. Work will distract you. Can you do a phased return?

Have to spoken to your GP. I know antidepressants arent for everyone. They enabled me to cope.

I know how devastated you are feeling. You need to grieve. It is good you have counselling in place. Be kind to yourself.

It's time to take control of the situation. My ex had me dangling on a string telling me his mental health was all over the place and he didn't know what he was doing. All the time seeing someone else. But keeping me as his emotional and financial support.

Once I was certain ow was on the scene I drew a line. Told him to stop coming and going from the house. I went through the whole house and gathered up his belongings and put them in the airing cupboard. I moved things around at home. Got new bedding and some flowers. Small changes helped.

I talked to family and friends. They were so understanding. It helped just to be able to off load even though there were no answers

I claimed benefits. Single person deduction on council tax. Stopped paying his bills for his car and phone etc. Reduced my out going as much as I could. And put firm boundaries in place.

3 areas of contact:

The kids. See them eow and one night in the week. This didn't last long he was too busy.

House seek legal advice and this is to be managed through solicitor

Child support through CMS. Do not deviate from this.

I told him clearly there is nothing else I want to discuss with him. And grey rocked everything else.

Don't respond to emails or messages straight away. I give everything 24 hours unless it was about pick up times for the kids. Write emails and leave them before you send them. Take all emotions out of everything. Keep a journal of how you are feeling pour everything into that. Do not communicate with him about anything further.

He isn't the person you loved. He has betrayed you. Time to dust yourself off and start living your best life for you and the kids. You will recover from this I know it isn't what you want but many have walked this path before you and come out the other side.

@unicornsarereal72 thank you for sharing your experience and advice. I wish I could grey rock too.
I've been flat hunting with him this week but he didn't like anything and will continue looking but as he's working won't see anything u til Saturday now. As he says he's determined to find the perfect place for the kids so he wants to put off telling them until next weekend so he can tell them where he's going to live. He seems desperate to save face with them but I think they've both long ago felt something was up and we just need to be open with them now.

Plus I just need to move through this to the him going stage as it's messing with my head.

@ConfusedInBaltimore I'm so sorry for your sister and her DS. It truly does put things in perspective. Wishing you all the best for the treatment to be positive.

I have just seen this thread.

You need to start getting proper advice and being practical, for the children’s sakes as well as your own.

You cannot make him move out, regardless of his behaviour, and, if he seeks legal advice, he will be advised not to move out. So, don’t be surprised when he moves back. Unless he is idiot , it will happen.

However, get him out of your bed, permanently! The sofa is where he belongs from now on.

So, take control of what you can and get a decent divorce solicitor. Your STBX will be surprised when he gets the first letter!

The next thing you need to think about is who will realistically move house first and putting into place proper arrangements for contact with the children (in their best interests).

Finally, get back to work. You need to prepare for a time when there will be less money to go around (and, in the short run, pay your lawyer).

The more you mope, the worse you will feel. Make a ‘to do’ list and start ticking it off. You could be surprised at how quickly you start feeling better when you take control.