I did it! First sexual encounter after a looong sexless marriage.

[MadameMonk]

I was sure that the next man to see me naked would be the Undertaker… after nearly a decade without sex with my husband. Together 15 years, some sex initially (not much) then nothing after we conceived our child. We did all the therapy, all the talking, all the medical checks- nothing changed. I got lonelier and sadder, and my normally high self-esteem fell among the weeds. He didn’t want to touch me, and didn’t want to deal with why or the consequences to our marriage.

I finally made him move out 8 months ago, over this and other stuff. I’ve been getting used to my new single-parenting life (which involves very little Life for me!) but was terrified about taking my poor ol’ rejected 50yo self back into the Land of Sex. It’s one thing to know you miss it, quite another to face the vulnerability and emotional risk of finding someone to do it with!

My lovely friends encouraged me to find a Friend with Benefits, rather than try for ‘proper’ dating, relationship, etc. They are right that I’m not ready for that- I have to fall a bit in love with myself again first! I put out a few tentative feelers (soooo scary) and paid some attention to my appearance.

Anyway, long story short, a long-ago ex-boyfriend and I got together yesterday (after a few video catch-ups and many weeks of texting). It was wonderful . It was also surreal, a bit awkward and a lot of fun! Today I can’t stop giggling, and marvelling at my new view of my body and myself. I feel lighter, younger and back in touch with the me I used to be. I suspect some sort of beast has been a bit unleashed, and I really hope it becomes a regular thing.

I wanted to post this in case someone else in one of the sexless marriages i read about frequently on MN comes upon it. I want to say ‘believe yourself’, ‘back yourself’, and take the bloody risk rather than resign yourself to dying inside. If you know in your heart that you’ve done your best to get your relationship back on track, but you’ve ended up curled up next to a brick wall- grab a sledgehammer. It’s not all roses on the other side, but there are moments of joy, of redemption and most of all hope. You’re allowed to want intimacy, fun and to share your body. Life is short, often hard and occasional ‘joy’ is not to be sniffed at.

It’s amazing how many impossible things you can find yourself doing, after you just start being true to yourself. I know what I’ve done isn’t for everyone, and the path ahead is very foggy. But wow. Sometimes the World can really surprise you and the wool can fall from your eyes in only a few short hours.

That’s so lovely, I’m on the ‘dying inside’ stage of this, in fact I think ‘dead’ might be the word. It’s wonderful to hear that a future exists. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do it, but so pleased for you that you have!

Nice one OP. Enjoy!

@MilesOfSand

That’s so lovely, I’m on the ‘dying inside’ stage of this, in fact I think ‘dead’ might be the word. It’s wonderful to hear that a future exists. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do it, but so pleased for you that you have!

You might surprise yourself, I did. There’s a bit of faith involved, for sure. I was by no means sure that there was anything in the cold dead embers of my body and psyche that could be fanned into even a tiny flame. If anything, I assumed not. That I would calling a halt to any sexual action within seconds, with an apologetic ‘I think not’.

Thankfully we’re dealing with a natural human reaction that is as ingrained as eating when you’re hungry or sleeping when you’re tired. Your body knows what to do, even when your mind is drawing a blank!

It was so interesting to observe those hormones in action again, in myself. Quite a shock actually! Especially after being such an ‘in control Mummy person’ for so many years now. It was like going down a slide at a fun park- I had to buy the ticket and climb up, but the adrenaline took care of the rest!

Maybe practice on your own, and see if you can fan any little flame or kick-start any hormones? It’s not the same, I know, but giving yourself permission to start a new way of thinking about your body can be powerful? It’s never too late for that.

I love this thread, I've just done it too after a long hiatus.

I'm mid forties, was in a coercive control relationship for 7 years. Broke free last March a few weeks before lockdown. I swore off men because my ex was so bad but the lack of sex was really getting to me.

3 weeks ago, I got so frustrated I put a profile on tinder and surprisingly found someone I connected with within an hour. We had lots of texts and video calls then last week met up. He was a total gentleman and said he wouldn't put any pressure on me and he would go at my speed. A few cocktails later and I was dragging him to the bedroom and whipping my kit off. It felt bloody lovely. We had our second session on Monday night just gone, had sex 3 times. Again I loved every minute. I'm a size 14 with plenty of stretch marks and don't have body confidence but he made me feel desired. I put it off for a long time because of my insecurities of my body because back in the day I was fit and pretty and now I'm chunky and scarred and peri menopausal. I'm walking on clouds now, he's coming on Thursday night too for our third session and I can not wait!! Here's to less than perfect bods getting lots of sexual satisfaction!!

There is a kimono emoji in WhatsApp. I'm just saying.

Ahh. That's great.

Really enjoyed reading this. So pleased for you x

Good in you 🙌🏼 love this post!!

@tortoiselover100

I love this thread, I've just done it too after a long hiatus.

I'm mid forties, was in a coercive control relationship for 7 years. Broke free last March a few weeks before lockdown. I swore off men because my ex was so bad but the lack of sex was really getting to me.

3 weeks ago, I got so frustrated I put a profile on tinder and surprisingly found someone I connected with within an hour. We had lots of texts and video calls then last week met up. He was a total gentleman and said he wouldn't put any pressure on me and he would go at my speed. A few cocktails later and I was dragging him to the bedroom and whipping my kit off. It felt bloody lovely. We had our second session on Monday night just gone, had sex 3 times. Again I loved every minute. I'm a size 14 with plenty of stretch marks and don't have body confidence but he made me feel desired. I put it off for a long time because of my insecurities of my body because back in the day I was fit and pretty and now I'm chunky and scarred and peri menopausal. I'm walking on clouds now, he's coming on Thursday night too for our third session and I can not wait!! Here's to less than perfect bods getting lots of sexual satisfaction!!

Good on you! Isn’t it astounding how quickly all the intrusive thoughts about our bodies, and our general emotional hand-wringing just disappears when you’re being carried along by hormones? And how cool is it to be able to use ‘hormones’ in such a positive context, instead of always to do with the 😫 of perimenopause?

I feel like a toddler who has just gone down their first ‘big’ slide at the park. I just want to jump up and down and squeal and shout ‘More!!!’ over and over. I shall instead be a very sophisticated, sensual, mature, juicy woman and coolly text him something witty and slightly risqué about a return match next week. 💃🏻🤣

Bloody good for you!

I broke my post divorce drought last month after nearly 5 bloody years!

It was a one off for various reasons, but I understand every thing you're saying about it making you feel back in touch with yourself as a person and a woman again.

I was also pleasantly surprised at my lack of self-consciousness and how comfortable I felt, considering I'm in my mid forties and my body is about as far removed from perfect as is possible!

Good for you OP! I hope your brilliant posts give hope to someone going through what you did or maybe encourage them to make the break and move on to see what the future holds, life is way too short to plod on in a sexless marriage or any relationship that makes you feel like you are ‘dying inside’. Go for the kimono emoji & good luck 👘 ;)

Good for you! Will you get back together with him properly?

Ooo nice kimono emoji. I’m in the market for those! Maybe I’ll be so cool and modern I’ll just text him an invitation ‘👘?’ (That’s ‘kimono emoji + ?’ if it doesn’t translate to MN, sometimes emojis don’t).

We seem to be edging towards another encounter on Monday- so many logistics for both of us with work and kids though. I’m stuck between rationally knowing it might not come off but my whole body is doing crazy disco moves at even the idea! Serious electric zaps in places I thought were on the condemned list only a week ago. Barry White starts playing in my head at the most inopportune moments lately!

To those who asked, no. We aren’t romantically suited, not in a ‘blend households and discuss who puts out the bins’ kind of way. But we are blessed? Cursed? with that gene that allows us to seperate things out better than most people. We used to- last time we had a FWB ‘thang’- be very good at not expecting much from each other. We didn’t get offended or hurt if the other was in a serious relationship and said so. Now, that was a million years ago. Who knows whether we’ve still got that ability. In a way, it’s perfect. We’ve both got exes with whom we co-parent, kids at vulnerable ages, households and businesses we run on a knife’s edge. A FWB situation- with lots of laughs and affection- would actually be ideal.

Plus my therapist has banned me from ‘proper’ dating 😂. She says that I’ve not let enough time pass, and it increases the risk of me attracting the same kind of guy as my ex. I get that, and I think that’s right. Even if it’s bollocks, she’s put the fear of God in me. One ride on that not-so-merry-go-round is quite enough!

We need more posts like this, what a breath of fresh air, there are unexplored adventures ahead for all of us, if only we could first move through our fear.

I love this post, and can see why you are so smitten as I in a similar situation (completely sexless for 7.5 years) my self esteem is completely shot. One of my hesitations is that I have let things go down below - no point maintaining the muff in a sexless relationship. What do guys like these days? Do they expect Brazilian, a landing strip or is overgrown ok? Sounds stupid but my mumsy body, and ‘down below’ are what is holding me back. I would love to feel the excitement you are feeling.

What a great post. I sadly know just how you felt.

My first husband made me feel so ugly and undesirable. Hardly any sex and it felt like it was my fault. My second husband opened my eyes, he saw me as desirable and loved every inch of my body even though it bore the marks of childbirth. Needless to say, the sex is amazing and my self-esteem about how I look has massively improved.

Enjoy.

So lovely to read! I'm cheering you on too. I can feel your delight and exhilaration.

@Zupermumm

I love this post, and can see why you are so smitten as I in a similar situation (completely sexless for 7.5 years) my self esteem is completely shot. One of my hesitations is that I have let things go down below - no point maintaining the muff in a sexless relationship. What do guys like these days? Do they expect Brazilian, a landing strip or is overgrown ok? Sounds stupid but my mumsy body, and ‘down below’ are what is holding me back. I would love to feel the excitement you are feeling.

I know! I’m inordinately stressed out about the ‘ladyscaping’ too! I nearly wrote a post asking just what you did, ie What’s normal now?

I’ve dealt with the ‘machete work’ myself, with a bikini trimmer, but I suspect it mightn’t be enough. I seem to remember loathing shaving (from my remote youth) and that I risked a lot of redness and itchiness. Not something I want to risk now, given my intrusive thoughts about my body attractiveness!

No idea where to post about this though- Health & Beauty? Dating? I feel like such a noob.

I’ll give you a giggle- during my delightful fumble the other day I got quite a shock to find… well… that his manscaping was total! Not a whisker. New experience for me (aren’t they all, these days). So now I have a new question to ask- is this what women like/expect these days too? Is it connected to other trends (hygiene, for sport, some aesthetic?) or considered just better for sex somehow? I’m not bothered either way- certainly in no position to look a gift horse in the mouth!

By the way, I’ve told one friend irl about my adventure. She’s French, and mentioned that what we call a ‘landing strip’ they call ‘un ticket de métro’. Took me a beat or two to get the reference, but it’s bloody funny when you do!

Hopefully some kind MNers will come along on this thread and spare us the indignity of posting elsewhere?

A ticket to the Metro - epic!

I feel as weird about men being completely hairless as I do women.

Wow! Fantastic op and what a beautifully written post. Xxx

Well done!! Long may it continue!

Bumping for the ladyscaping question….

What a lovely post OP!
Re ladyscaping, just stick with whatever you are comfortable with! Your body, your hair! There are threads on here about this. I remember reading that men are just happy to be having sex, and care not about the hair situation!

Re the manscaping, this was a whole new world to me too! Some men believe it’s more hygienic.