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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Viewing a house to rent without telling DH

92 replies

Dutchhouse8 · 01/06/2021 12:10

I'm viewing a house tomorrow and I've not told my anyone my plans. Really nervous. Have 2 children (7 and 4). We are homeowners (mortgaged) and husband made clear in the past that he would not move out if we were to separate. I know people often advise on here to not move out of the family home. What are the reasons for this? I am not worried about arrangements with children. Very likely I will be doing the lions share. Is it a financial thing? I make (slightly) more money than him and have the greater future earning potential. I have enough saved to cover 6 months private renting but no more. Just needed the breathing space and want a bolt hole when I tell him I want to separate. Any advice/ a hand hold would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
MagentaDragon · 01/06/2021 14:48

Hello! Good for you. I mean ideally it'd be less disruptive for the children to stay in their normal home but if he is so selfish that he'd refuse to leave and force you and them to live in a toxic environment until the house is sold, then renting for now is probably better for you and the children.

It sounds like you're in a good financial position. Have you sought legal advice? It might be a good idea to do that before you take further action. Also to think about how you'd do the actual move without it becoming a drama.

Castlepeak · 01/06/2021 14:56

Trying to hold onto the house is often a huge mistake.

If he is going to react poorly to the news, your best bet is to have new accommodations ready.

If the house is going to need to be sold, you might as well move now.

The only reason not to leave the house is if you really want to keep it after the divorce and can afford to truly afford to stay there solo. Many people make the mistake of sacrificing financially stability to stretch and try to stay in the “family” home. If you can afford it and want it, there is an argument for staying, but you could also move back in at the end of your lease.

IamThrough · 01/06/2021 15:16

Good for you - it sounds like you've considered the financial implications so could be a good move for you. Speaking as someone who stuck it out in the family home until Divorce went through (We had to sell the house) I absolutely wish I'd had the balls to do what you're doing.

Assuming your current home is a joint mortgage just remember legally you will still be liable for the mortgage payments on that. Also your mortgage is likely to take longer than the 6 months - but you may have reached an agreement with your STBXH within that timeline. Good Luck

LemonTT · 01/06/2021 16:42

On balance I would do what you are doing rather than staying in the house with someone you have split with.

The primary reason why it’s not recommended is that the house is a huge asset. Selling it means one or both parties can get on with their lives.

The person who stays can influence how and when the house is sold. They have a roof over their head in an asset you are jointly liable for. Delaying a sale can

  1. Get the other party to accept a reduced settlement,
  2. Stop the other party moving on with their life or buying another property
  3. Enable them to stay in as long as possible when they have nowhere to go or are in denial.
4 Force the other party to subside their lifestyle by continuing to pay mortgages etc.
BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 17:03

Good on you @Dutchhouse8

good luck tomorrow 🌹

Newnamefor2021 · 01/06/2021 17:52

Good luck OP.

Sweatycracks · 01/06/2021 17:59

Good luck OP. Wine

BirthdayCakeBelly · 01/06/2021 18:06

The major disadvantage to leaving is that if he (eventually) refuses to leave, you may be forced to evict him through the courts. This is time consuming and expensive for you.
This happened to me and to complicate matters he moved in the OW when she was pregnant. Try evicting a pregnant lady... it’s exceptionally difficult.
In the end I let him buy me out to end the situation - at a significant financial loss.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 01/06/2021 18:08

I believe the local authority will pay your rent while the house sells if you don't have anything so it may be worth asking . It certainly does round here and I have no idea if it's the same everywhere.

Grizalda · 01/06/2021 18:17

If you move out, start divorce proceedings, then make moves to sell the current house to get your equity out whilst then look to buy your own place - you are certainly looking at longer than 6 months before you can complete on your own house. Maybe something to think about, if money is tight.
We lived in the same house as a separated couple for six months. It was no picnic but IMO, you'll need your savings for your future.

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 18:27

I'd suggest getting out. 🌸

Original poster
Dutchhouse8 · 01/06/2021 19:51

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I wrote first post in a rush and may have missed some details. Main one being literally nobody in RL knows what I'm thinking of doing. I have no family locally. My husband will be very hurt and angry by this as he doesn't want to split and also the sneaking around to find a rental without any discussion. Last time I said I wanted to separate he was extremely intimidating and angry smashing things up etc. He is a very difficult man at times and I can't bear the idea of living with him during this time. The mortgage on the house is significantly below rental rates which would be good for my husband as he would struggle with paying rent privately. I have no long term plan as once that 6 months money runs out we will need to have either sold it, I will need to have bought him out, or I will need to move back in. I can't see any other option! I'm so nervous about tomorrow. They will want a pretty immediate decision and I feel so sick just thinking about it.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 01/06/2021 19:52

You've had a wee name change fail there OP, just in case you were worried about being outed.

Original poster
Dutchhouse8 · 01/06/2021 19:57

Thanks I have no idea how to change it! Really hoping mumsnet people can help!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 01/06/2021 20:08

You can just go back into your settings and change it to the original name you posted under then ask for any posts in the other name to be deleted.

MeanderingGently · 01/06/2021 20:25

Years ago I did this, I viewed a rental property before my divorce and even took my teenage daughter to see it and never said a thing. I'd agreed, booked it all and paid the deposit and I'm really pleased I did.
When all the fall-out regarding the divorce started, I had somewhere to go, a safe bolt hole and already had a foothold on my new life.
Go for it, it will be fine...

PicaK · 01/06/2021 20:38

Just to point out though that half of your savings belong to him as they are a marital asset - so you'll need to take that into account when you're doing finances.

BlueButtercups · 01/06/2021 20:43

@PicaK

Just to point out though that half of your savings belong to him as they are a marital asset - so you'll need to take that into account when you're doing finances.
and half of His will be Hers 🌸
chocolatealldaylong · 01/06/2021 23:00

I did this and 2 years later I am still in a rented property paying 100% of it and 50% of the mortgage of a 5 bedroom house he lives in alone. Both children decided to live full time with me. I'm having to take him court to get to sort it.

I don't regret moving out my life is so much better. However I feel it's so unfair he wouldn't move out.

I think you need to budget that it will take much longer than 6 months.

MagentaDragon · 01/06/2021 23:29

If you have no way to fund it beyond 6 months then I'd rethink, as there is no way the divorce will be done and finances settled/ house sold by then. Particularly if he still lives there so has no incentive to do it quickly.

You saying he is determined to stay seems like a controlling attitude so he'd likely be obstructive to divorce proceedings to and make it very drawn out.

Much as it might be more unpleasant in the short term I'd be inclined to stay in the house with the children and insist that he leaves, if you will be the main carer of the children as you said. If you're the higher earner then presumably he can't pay for the house alone easily so you'd potentially be having to pay for some of the cost of him continuing to live there while also supporting the children which is ridiculious.

I hope you can find a way to make a fresh start without it being too traumatic. I would definitely seek legal advice before making decisions about moving etc, if I was you.

MagentaDragon · 01/06/2021 23:32

*too Blush

Catawaul · 02/06/2021 07:04

I'd call women's aid for advice on this, you're very vulnerable when ending a relationship with someone abusive.

Original poster
Dutchhouse8 · 02/06/2021 08:26

Thanks everybody. I would like one of us to keep the house as it is so much cheaper than rent. If we sold, we would each walk away with large lump of equity but not enough for either of us to buy.

I could potentially buy him out down the line but I don't think he could buy me out. If I could just rent long term and pay half mortgage than that would work for me but as a PP said, if he met somebody things could change. I'm going to apply to up my hours at work which would mean I could afford to do that (although it isn't guaranteed.) He has nowhere to go if I told him to leave he has no options that I can think of so he would need the money from the house sale for rent.

For those who did get a rental before speaking to husband, what were your reasons for doing it?

I am worried about his reaction after last time. But also trying to work out if I'm just being avoidant and cowardly. I think me putting up with things in order to avoid his mood or reaction has been a big part of our issues over the years. I struggle to be assertive in our relationship. He can be very difficult and he did smash things up last time and scream at me etc but I don't know where the line falls between being (reasonably and expected) angry and being abusive.

Overall I'm trying to work out whether this is a shitty thing to do to a husband of 15yrs or a reasonable thing to do.

Viewing house this morning which will make it feel more real either way.

OP posts:
Boonlark · 02/06/2021 08:34

If he kicks off, you call the police and get both a non molestation order and an occupation order so you can stay in the house without him. You might do better seeing a solicitor rather than viewing rental properties.

Original poster
Dutchhouse8 · 02/06/2021 11:58

Thanks. OK I did both in the end - contacted a solicitor for an initial consultation and also viewed the house. The house would be ideal for what I need and I have told them I will come back with a decision by tomorrow morning. Things move really fast here - they probably wanted a decision on the spot! I have decided to tell him tonight once kids are in bed and give him the option to go to his mums. They don't have that kind of relationship and she isn't all that local so I think unlikely but it really is the only other option. If he says no then I will take the rented house and then will begin stuff with the solicitor. I am so nervous of his reaction I plan to have a bag ready in case I need to leave quickly.

OP posts: