Viewing a house to rent without telling DH

[Dutchhouse8]

I'm viewing a house tomorrow and I've not told my anyone my plans. Really nervous. Have 2 children (7 and 4). We are homeowners (mortgaged) and husband made clear in the past that he would not move out if we were to separate. I know people often advise on here to not move out of the family home. What are the reasons for this? I am not worried about arrangements with children. Very likely I will be doing the lions share. Is it a financial thing? I make (slightly) more money than him and have the greater future earning potential. I have enough saved to cover 6 months private renting but no more. Just needed the breathing space and want a bolt hole when I tell him I want to separate. Any advice/ a hand hold would be really appreciated.

Not mad to move it, say I. As long as OP gets legal advice, which she is.

I started looking for a rental without really agreeing to separate from exh who had had similar rants about him not going despite its being my house. Ended up on the doorstep on a public holiday with a suitcase and him shouting I should phone a friend. Luckily I had amazing friends who donated loads when I got my rental. Marital assets meant he no the house and I started again but much happier now and know who my friends are...

Lots has happened today thanks everyone. My husband has spent the day with me and has meant I've not been able to sort anything out . He even joined me to pop out for milk! Solicitor left an answerphone I've not been able to listen to.

He thankfully went out to the gym early evening and then as quick as I could I packed all the stuff for the kids, paperwork, passports, birth certs the lot. I then sorted all the paperwork for the tenancy and then I phoned my parents to tell them what I'm doing.

Must have been totally out of the blue but they were amazing and are coming to stay in a holiday rental (I live in a holiday area!) until I get the keys. So I can stay with them! Just tonight and tomorrow night. Tomorrow I'm nervous about as it is Friday worried he might drink loads.

I totally get what posters are saying about the risks of moving out of a house that I also own but he would never move out he has no means to do that so this is our option.

Thanks to those people who have done this and have practical advice about what I need and what to get! The house is totally unfurnished.

@Dutchhouse8

Lots has happened today thanks everyone. My husband has spent the day with me and has meant I've not been able to sort anything out . He even joined me to pop out for milk! Solicitor left an answerphone I've not been able to listen to.

He thankfully went out to the gym early evening and then as quick as I could I packed all the stuff for the kids, paperwork, passports, birth certs the lot. I then sorted all the paperwork for the tenancy and then I phoned my parents to tell them what I'm doing.

Must have been totally out of the blue but they were amazing and are coming to stay in a holiday rental (I live in a holiday area!) until I get the keys. So I can stay with them! Just tonight and tomorrow night. Tomorrow I'm nervous about as it is Friday worried he might drink loads.

I totally get what posters are saying about the risks of moving out of a house that I also own but he would never move out he has no means to do that so this is our option.

Thanks to those people who have done this and have practical advice about what I need and what to get! The house is totally unfurnished.

Sending you strength and support to get through these two nights OP🌸

Congratulations on getting the rental, this is great news.

Stay safe 🌷🌸

OP, thinking of you today. You are obviously very strong and smart and it is good that you have support of your parents. Do keep us updated whenever you can. Wish you all the best.

Great OP, well done. Think about how to make it easier for the kids too. But the most important thing is you being positive calm and confident, they will take their lead from you. But of course leave room for their feelings too.

Thanks everybody.

I have now spoken to a solicitor who as you all told me, advised me to not leave the house. I am a mess .

To me moving out seems a least worst solution but if my husband decides I can't have the kids in the other house it would be viewed that they should stay in the family home. I don't think he would but he might.

I think the impact on my children in the short term is creeping up on me.

I have spoken to him again kind of trying to get some reassurance that we will be able to do this together e.g.work together for the good good the children but I got stony silence and then "just do what you want" as a reply.

OP how far away is the Rental?

If it is Safer for you and your children to move out, then you MUST move out. 🌸

OP a Solicitor can only advise..

Of course it's not a shitty thing to do. It's what I'd do if I had to, and have done in the past. If you can't afford to pay rent PLUS half the mortgage, just tell him you'll have to stop paying the mortgage and he'll have to take care of it. The most important thing is that you and the dc have a roof over your heads.

What reasons did the solicitor give for his (her?) advice? They do tend to think more about the financial side than everyone’s well being. Although as I and others have said, it doesn’t necessarily create money problems.

The children are entitled to an ongoing substantial relationship with both parents (as long as it is safe). He can’t decide that you “can’t have them in the other house”! On what grounds?

@Dutchhouse8

take the Rental 🌸

Would he agree to move out if you found him a flat and let him continue to use the garage for work? Then you could "find" the flat you've got

@Dutchhouse8

Thanks everybody.

I have now spoken to a solicitor who as you all told me, advised me to not leave the house. I am a mess .

To me moving out seems a least worst solution but if my husband decides I can't have the kids in the other house it would be viewed that they should stay in the family home. I don't think he would but he might.

I think the impact on my children in the short term is creeping up on me.

I have spoken to him again kind of trying to get some reassurance that we will be able to do this together e.g.work together for the good good the children but I got stony silence and then "just do what you want" as a reply.

What do you mean if your husband decides you can't have the kids in the other house? It's not up to him. You could stay where you are and apply to court for an occupation order. Does he work?

Dear OP I know how confused and stressed and tired you are. I am in the process of separating myself and most days I feel like driving away... far, far away from everything.

I know that this is a very critical time and we may make mistakes in the process. My STBX and I do not own a house and have very little savings, so reasonable thing to do is not to involve lawyers, to try to preserve as much of that savings as possible, right? I am doing exactly that, but most days I just feel like hiring a good lawyer, giving her/him all the money I have and letting her/him deal with it all: my STBX and his moods, the property division, child support. I really do and one of these days I may actually do that. Because it is either my money or my sanity. My STBX actually agreed to move out, but he does not yet have place to stay. It has been six weeks since I told him I want to separate and since I have been sleeping in the same room but on the floor with him. It has been a nightmare. I cannot wait for him to leave, it is very difficult to stay with a person in the same space after you decided you no longer want to be married to them.

What I am trying to say is this, people tell you to stay in the house so that you may be able to keep it, but if that means loosing your mind, your sanity, if you are in danger, leave. I would say, listen to your instincts. All this time I have been married, I ignored my instincts and from your posts I would say, you ignored yours too. So, after all this time, forget reason, forget what everyone else says, just leave.

Sending you hugs.

So what reasons did the solicitor give? I think you'll find there are some family Lawyers on here who would disagree. You always have the right to move back later if you want if the house is in joint names.

Make sure you have your phone on you at all times, preferably in a small bag or something, so that if he kicks off you can lock yourself in the bathroom and phone the police.

Also get the paperwork lined up (you can get the forms online) to lodge a non molestation order and an occupation order with the local family court. Then he would have to be the one to leave the house if he kicks off

Sorry all I definitely didn't explain myself well. I think (?) she was basically saying that it gives him "the edge" to have more control over how the children's time is split between us and because he is in the family home which is most important thing for continuity etc for the kids. So he could potentially say that he wants them to sleep here more because this is their home? And my new house would be more as "going to mummy's house" like a visit rather than an actual home? I could be wrong though and misinterpreted her.

She wasn't saying he would actually prevent me from having them and he definitely wouldn't do that. But it made me feel terrible like I am deserting them whereas I was feeling like I was moving on and adapting and that they would adapt alongside me.

Anyway, I am still going to take the house unless he suddenly says he will move out (I asked him again today which he thought was the best option) and he unsurprisingly doesn't want to move out. I don't have the emotional energy to live with him whilst coaxing him out and am very fixated on trying to keep this as amicable as possible.

I feel more confident that he is staying calm this time. He hasn't drank alcohol tonight and this is my last night!

He does work (self employed) but work is unpredictable as are finances. Low income though.

He does actually have an ongoing non work related commitment which involves him leaving the house 2x a week at 5am and so next week I might need to come back from my parent's to do these overnights here so that he can leave early in the morning. My mum wants me to bring kids to hers but that does seem unnecessarily disruptive.

I've read so many threads over many years about leaving husband and I feel like I'm finding my way through. PP who said I ignored my instincts were absolutely right.

Thank you all so much I can't explain how helpful it is to read your replies.

I would be very cautious about leaving the kids OP. You will be paying him maintenance as the RP, he will do anything to keep control.

I would take them with you.

Yes I would definitely take your children with you. He could twist it and say you have left them.

Take the KIDS 🌸

It doesn’t give him an edge - unless you appear like you’ve bought into that view!

I moved out with the kids, managed to have pretty firm control over contact until he took me to court.... He’s always tried telling the kids “This is your real home!” and it did confuse them a bit, but never resulted in them spending the majority of their week with him.

Home is definitely where the heart is. If both parents are loving, that can mean two homes. Moving house is exciting, as well!

Could you gift him the rent money to encourage him to leave? Or have him move into the rental house? Definitely would be reluctant to leave children behind you.