Viewing a house to rent without telling DH

[Dutchhouse8]

I'm viewing a house tomorrow and I've not told my anyone my plans. Really nervous. Have 2 children (7 and 4). We are homeowners (mortgaged) and husband made clear in the past that he would not move out if we were to separate. I know people often advise on here to not move out of the family home. What are the reasons for this? I am not worried about arrangements with children. Very likely I will be doing the lions share. Is it a financial thing? I make (slightly) more money than him and have the greater future earning potential. I have enough saved to cover 6 months private renting but no more. Just needed the breathing space and want a bolt hole when I tell him I want to separate. Any advice/ a hand hold would be really appreciated.

Am not sure that the OP meant she was thinking of leaving without her DC.

OP please don't leave the kids, it'll be a catastrophic mistake.

and CHANGE Lawyer.

Another option to consider, let the husband move into the rental, and over say 3 months rent, after that he will have to budget his wages to cover his own bills. In the meantime get a valuation and buy him out, this will help him to continue renting, whilst still paying child maintenance. You as the children could then stay in the family house

Definitely not leaving the kids if I go into the house. I wanted the starting point to be 50:50 thinking that realistically it would likely slide into more time with me. My heart is breaking to be honest as I have been the main parent doing basically everything for all of these years. Being without them for time in the week is going to be so hard.

I am worried he will obstruct 50:50 and I don't plan to sign the tenancy until he has agreed this and I have spoken to solicitor again on Tuesday. He has sort of agreed in his usual terrible communicative way.

I just need to get away (with the kids) he has been awful today. Tomorrow my parents are coming to stay locally in an air b and b until I (hopefully!) get the keys next Monday.

Thank you for all of the replies I am reading and taking into account all of the advice and experience.

Glad you are not leaving the kids.

Thank you @loveyourself2020

Thanks @bluebuttercups sorry my head is spinning I think I didn't explain myself well. I am definitely definitely not leaving the kids with him. Today I want to get it in writing somehow that if I go we will have 50:50 as a starting point.

I am worried that down the line if I want to buy him out (if I up my hours I think I can will check with mortgage provider tomorrow) can he refuse to be bought out? As I would have moved out?

It makes hugely more sense for him to move out but he has made absolutely clear that he will not move out.

I am going to suggest the option a PP made of paying the rent for the 6 months and offering him to go to the rental. He will absolutely say no but I will suggest it.

He has been absolutely awful I feel very wrung out but it reminds me why I'm doing it.

Would he be able to care for the children for 50% of the time, inc weekends and holidays? Do you think he truly wants them that much, or could cope if he did, if you’ve very much been main carer?

You don’t HAVE to start with a 50:50 agreement - although maybe you think it’s the best ‘politically’.

@Dutchhouse8

How are you 🌸

Hi all - a lot seems to have happened but thought I would update. I didn't go and we are both still in the house. He actually got really nasty and was saying I couldn't take the kids with me. I panicked and withdrew from the tenancy!

It turns out he was actually saying that I couldn't until the new house was fully set up but after all the nastiness and what the solicitor had said about potential for him to act as resident parent it got me worried. No way was I going without my kids. Anyway, he since then has refused flat out to sell the house. I have managed to get a new job in this time and get a mortgage so that I can buy him out. Looks like he is going to refuse the offer the solicitor sent to him. Went absolutely mad when he received it - smashing things, swearing at me, shouting in my face, etc.

So I'm feeling pretty stuck right now! And still in the house together which is awful. I think this will end up in court which is ridiculous but honestly he has told me many many times that he intends to make this whole process as difficult for me as possible.

I'm feeling pretty stuck but also have told everybody that we are separating which has actually made me feel so much lighter like I'm not hiding anymore.

Will ask solicitor to write to him basically saying accept the offer or let it go to court and hopefully he will accept.

I've just updated as sometimes I read threads like these and wonder what happened. Will update again when we finally don't live together!

Hi
Sorry that things didn't work out and you didn't move out. I hope he accepts the offer and moves out soon.

My ex left four years ago but still manages to control and manipulate so I understand the fear.

Things will get better.

It will get better but will take time. My divorce, pretty straightforward, still took a year I reckon. Lots of forms and letters going backwards and forwards. Hopefully your H will move out. Good luck.

You need to report him to the police for the smashing things up. It's domestic abuse. You can then get a non molestation order and an occupation order.

@Boonlark

You need to report him to the police for the smashing things up. It's domestic abuse. You can then get a non molestation order and an occupation order.

This. If you can get these two in place it will make things much more comfortable for you while you negotiate (go to court over) the sale of the house.

It's a very bumpy road isn't it. My ex is still here. But He's finally got it that the marriage is over. Now the wait for him to move out. Good luck 🤞