Does this sound right - financially?

[Magictoothfairy]

I earn approx £1250 a month.
The houses im looking at are about £1k rent a month. I’ve two dc, 12 and 5 and I’ve used the universal credit calculator. I’ve no savings and no other income sources. It says £316 a week - total. Does this seem about right? Approx £2.5k a month with what I earn and UC, rent will take £1k, bills, food, council tax another £1k ish? Leaving me with £500. Out of which will come approx £200 on childcare actually. Hadn’t thought of that. £300 a month spare then, after this.
I’m anticipating DH having the dc 50% of the time so I won’t get any child maintenance. I’m hoping on the above it’ll just about be manageable because I will have to buy all the dc’s clothes and fund any hobbies or costs like glasses and school holiday childcare etc from my money. It’s unlikely DH will contribute anything. DH earns over £150k but from what I’ve heard I don’t think he will need to pay me anything as the courts favour a clean break.

If you paid for your children during your marriage & he hasn't then you've been financially abused. If you've paid for bills while he has built up a considerable savings / investments portfolio, tethrn he's screwed you over. Regardless of whether your name is on the deeds or not, you're entitled to half the house & savings. You owe it to your children not to grow up in poverty.

Stop the martyr complex and fight for what your kids are entitled to which is half of what their dad's squirreled away. You have been financially abused during your marriage.

Stop feeling guilty about it - I suspect given what you have written here you have very valid legitmate reasons for doing this and are right to do so.

Get legal advice and get what you deserve in terms of joint assets. When the 50/50 inevitably falls down because he doesnt want it dont leave your children vulnerable because you dont want to get the money that is legally and rightfully yours.

You need legal advice and put your children first so you get out what THEY deserve

@Magictoothfairy

I feel guilty because he won’t want to split. And so I’m already going to be upsetting him and it will not be amicable. It’s going to be awful. It’ll be harder still if I ask for money from him. Much better to leave him be.

You wont be. Your solicitor will be

Op you could potentially be in a situation where you mortgage free or have a very low mortgage. Think of the security that will afford you and your DC.

You've had sound advice but ultimately it's your decision.

I have a close friend who left/divorced her husband in similar circumstances to yourself. She felt guilty and left with nothing. Signed over joint investment policies, so she could leave with a clear conscious.

I can honestly say it's her biggest regret. He paid the minimum maintenance and stopped as soon as they turned 18.

He has retired early and living a fulfilled live. She will never own a property, has debts and will have to work beyond retirement age.

She will simply say her pride got in the way and stopped her claiming what was rightly hers and the kids. He however had no morals and allowed her to walk away with nothing.

When divorced I made sure I didn't make the mistakes she has.

Tell your solicitor exactly what you have told us and make sure you take half of what's in the joint account. As a low earner why are you paying for all of the household bills? He is earning £150k + yet you are paying for all of the costs so that's why you're broke & he isn't. If you're in a marriage, any assets accumulated are joint not separate.

Your solicitor will ask on your behalf for a financial settlement, not you so don't panic.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-against-financial-abuse

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/getting-a-divorce/

Guilt won’t pay the bills
Being nice won’t mean he’s nice back to you
If you love your kids and I’m assuming you do ffs get a solicitor
Worse case scenario he goes 50 -50 pats no maintenance but you still have to buy everything for the kids pay for childcare
You know full well that he isn’t going to take days off work and arrange childcare on his time
You will be subsiding him 100 percent

@Magictoothfairy

The house is mortgage free and worth approx £280k and I don’t know what DH has in savings etc, nothing is in my name. I’ve used any savings I had during my marriage. I think he has approx £60k in premium bonds and more in savings plus his pension. However my mindset is I don’t really want any of it because I didn’t earn it and he won’t want the divorce, it’ll be me instigating it. Therefore I don’t feel it is fair to lay claim on anything that isn’t mine. That said, I don’t want to be worrying about clothing and feeding the dc. It’s tricky.

Don’t be so foolish. I took this path as I left my ex. Biggest regret I ever had! You should get 50% of the savings, equity in the house and his pension.

Try & get the house, he can keep pensions & savings or 50/50. No need to be nice about it you need to think practically!

Do it for the dc

@Blueskythinking123

Op you need legal advice. What assets do you have?

My ex earns a fraction of your DH, I got a pension share and a significant percentage of the equity. Out split was 25/75 split of assets in my favour.

Please seek proper advice, once you get a clean break you can't go back for more.

Hi @Blueskythinking123, do you mind sharing any of the process that led to you getting the majority in the split. This is what I’m hoping for.

You need to completely change your thinking on this!

As you were married half of the marital assets are yours.

UC will take into account what you are due from the house sale whether you take it or not. It's called deprivation of assets. You will have far too much capital to get any UC.

Make an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow.

So I won’t get UC even if I have no money or assets from the marriage?

Get a lawyer. You are entitled to a share of the money - you facilitated him earning it by providing childcare for your children. And if he isn't willing to truly do 50/50 care (taking financial responsibility for purchasing clothes, uniforms, activities etc) and be available to take care of the kids during his time, a different split may be better.

A judge may not even sign off the financial order if they think it's heavily weighted in one persons favour.

He won’t be available for the kids - he will have to outsource childcare and it’ll be long hours but my instinct is he’d sooner that than let me have them.

@Magictoothfairy

The house is mortgage free and worth approx £280k and I don’t know what DH has in savings etc, nothing is in my name. I’ve used any savings I had during my marriage. I think he has approx £60k in premium bonds and more in savings plus his pension. However my mindset is I don’t really want any of it because I didn’t earn it and he won’t want the divorce, it’ll be me instigating it. Therefore I don’t feel it is fair to lay claim on anything that isn’t mine. That said, I don’t want to be worrying about clothing and feeding the dc. It’s tricky.

Oh for gods sake, you'd rather scrimp and scrape while he lives in luxury, and Disney Dad of the year treats your DC to holidays etc than get what you're entitled to after marriage to such a high earner so that your kids are well taken care of at both homes?!

Don't be ridiculous.

Your DC deserve to live a nice life at BOTH houses, not be wearing too-small clothes and eating beans on toast at yours and designer gear and takeaways at their dad's house.

Get a decent solicitor, stop being a martyr and set yourself up to be able to parent them without stress.

If he's going for 50/50 despite never having spent time caring for them until now, how will they feel about that? Would they prefer one 'home' and to visit him rather than having two homes they move between more often?

What is best FOR THE DC now? FUCK your STBXH and if you don't want take money because "he earned it" think of your bloody children in this.

He earned it because he never had to think about who was looking after his children so he was free to build his Big Manly Career. You are married, your assets are joint regardless of whose name is on what. The whole point of marriage as a contract is that one person doesn't get shafted (or indeed shaft themselves) if/when you split

@Magictoothfairy

He won’t be available for the kids - he will have to outsource childcare and it’ll be long hours but my instinct is he’d sooner that than let me have them.

in which case you will have more time to earn well for yourself, be free to meet someone else a build a life. I guarantee the minute he gets a whiff of that he'll change his tune and have them never!

Are you afraid of him?

The actual.

God this country is run badly. Man can have two kids, earn that much, and contribute fuck all, so the state has to, great.

I suppose it’s me that should be meeting the shortfall - not the state.

That’s not going to happen if you dint take what is rightly yours.

Ann the ones who will suffer from it are the dcs.

@Magictoothfairy

I suppose it’s me that should be meeting the shortfall - not the state.

Try it. Not as easy as you might wish when you're starting from scratch. The state has plenty of money to go round. Boris can spend thousands on his new wallpaper, I don't think he'll begrudge some support to a newly single mum while she gets back on her feet.

What EXACTLY are you afraid of? If you can name it, you’re halfway to fixing it.

I’m scared of how angry he will be.
But I do think it’s normal to be angry when someone tells you they want to split up.

I don’t want to have to upset him any more than it’s going to.
He won’t want me to have a penny.

Are you scared of upsetting him OP? He doesn’t sound worthy of your concern if he would be quite happy to leave his children in a household which will struggle to make ends meet while he is well off.

Why deprive yourself and your children of something you are legally entitled to? You need to consider your future earnings and what position you will be in regarding picking up more hours, getting a better paid job, possibly buying a property. You should be looking to ensure your financial stability as a family. With The Conservatives in power I would be very wary of building my financial situation around what UC you will be entitled to and what you can get towards childcare costs. Take what is yours from your marriage.